OK...She's met my two teenage sons - Culture Clash!

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Hi - as other posters have pointed out it's probably less a culture clash than the fact that you are now a 'blended family' and Lena is now a 'step mother'. This can be extra hard for any step parent but studies show it's particularly for women who don't already have kids of their own.

I was in this position when I got married - my step-daughters are now 15 and 19. I was able to build our relationship slowly over the 3 years we dated before getting married and we all spent many holidays together before I finally moved in and became a full time co-parent.

I read MANY books on step-parenting and asked around for loads of information to try to do the best I could in this relationship and these are the basics which helped me...

1. Take it slowly - you can't force a loving family unit overnight - bio parents get years to bond and live with their kid, you can't expect a real relationship to generate overnight. As a step-mom I started off by being a calm, helpful, fun friend and let them see I cared about them. wanted to spend time with them and wanted to be part of their family.

2. The partner of the step-parent is CRUCIAL to the success of all relationships in the the blended family. You should make sure your sons know that you love them and will always love and care for them. But them them know that Lena is now part of the family and that you love and care for her and care about her opinion. Let Lena know that you will back her up and stand up for her within the family.

3. You can create house rules that now work for all of you. This way the step parent doesn't have to feel that she's the one 'imposing' the discipline. If it's a house rule (ie. Dishes get washed or put in the dishwasher, clothes put in the laundry basket. etc) then everyone sticks to it. Let the kids help draw up the house rules. The step parent can then feel comfortable saying "Hey guys, you know we all agreed that laundry would not be left on the floor" Bio-parent - don't forget to back up the step parent if needed.

4. Make time for fun stuff to do as a family to start creating 'us' memories which include the step-parent. And let this lead to activities the step-parent can do just with the step-kids on her own. All families are made up of their memories "Do you remember the time we went to the beach?..." So it helps the step-parent be part of that family story telling.

5. Make sure the step-parent has time and space within the family home she can call her own and place to go and get a breather when it all gets too much.

Wishing you all the best, I'm sure in a year's time you will all be one happy unit.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Hmmm - would not let me edit my topic to add the following...

Edited to add: I didn't address your point about the differences between American kids' upbringing and those from other countries. I think kids in European countries do have a slightly stricter upbringing than in the US with less autonomy and fewer privileges but it can often just come down to your own individual upbringing and family. Within a particular country or culture some families are stricter than others. The challenge in a blended family or even just a regular one is for both parents to blend their individual parenting style and expectations in ways which work for everyone. I'm certainly more of a disciplinarian than my husband and now we have our own child I know I am going to be tougher on her on some things than her older sisters experienced but I will cross than bridge when we come to it.

Also encourage Lena to join an internet chat room like this but for step-moms - it just helps to vent sometimes with people going through the same things as you.

Good Luck

[visaveteran1 33]

I think Slim has got at least a piece of the puzzle. Two high testosterone boys and a Russian beauty suddenly appears in their own territory. That could cause all manner of reactions...least of which would be to do better at cleaning up their rooms. They may, paradoxically, act out against her because they actually are attracted to her...like teenagers sometimes do from their immaturity.

I was always glad my wife had a son. Having a 20 year-old, female, Russian beauty join the household would be testing me. Living in a condo...in tight quarters; oh man. Well, like I said, glad I don't have to deal with that issue. The hot mother/daughter fantasy lives on only in my Freudian subconscious.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

The hot mother/daughter fantasy lives on only in my Freudian subconscious.

Think positive. There's still time...it's not like any us are dead yet.

[Lena and Igor 5]

There is such great advice given in this thread - it really translates to all the blended families around. The age of the children is the biggest indicator of what type of relationship the step child and step parent may develop.

My 2 stepsons do not regard me as their mom, and neitehr do I expect that of them - I arrived on the scene when they were 14 and 16, my own daughter was 15 and she does not regard my husband as her father.

We expect everyone to be respectful, it's a battle - what with an ex wifes who bad mouths both of us etc. It's a work in progress and will probably always be.

I can't tell you how grateful (we) are for your sincere and forthright advice and comments. This one hit home. The X has been spending unusually more time with the boys lately. I know she has been shoving negativity down their throats, "Russian bride" and "free ride to the US".

My plan is to let them know Lena is part of the family. Let them know that I love them. Do things together, slowly. Involve them in our daily activities. Never diss the X in front of them and always include Lena in the decision making. It's been two weeks now and I do see a little progress. We are now sitting down together for the evening meal :-) we're all going to the Detroit Tiger's game in a couple of weeks. That's progress.

[Lena and Igor 5]

Hmmm - would not let me edit my topic to add the following...

Edited to add: I didn't address your point about the differences between American kids' upbringing and those from other countries. I think kids in European countries do have a slightly stricter upbringing than in the US with less autonomy and fewer privileges but it can often just come down to your own individual upbringing and family. Within a particular country or culture some families are stricter than others. The challenge in a blended family or even just a regular one is for both parents to blend their individual parenting style and expectations in ways which work for everyone. I'm certainly more of a disciplinarian than my husband and now we have our own child I know I am going to be tougher on her on some things than her older sisters experienced but I will cross than bridge when we come to it.

Also encourage Lena to join an internet chat room like this but for step-moms - it just helps to vent sometimes with people going through the same things as you.

Good Luck

Thank you. And thank you for the PM.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I can't tell you how grateful (we) are for your sincere and forthright advice and comments. This one hit home. The X has been spending unusually more time with the boys lately. I know she has been shoving negativity down their throats, "Russian bride" and "free ride to the US".

My plan is to let them know Lena is part of the family. Let them know that I love them. Do things together, slowly. Involve them in our daily activities. Never diss the X in front of them and always include Lena in the decision making. It's been two weeks now and I do see a little progress. We are now sitting down together for the evening meal :-) we're all going to the Detroit Tiger's game in a couple of weeks. That's progress.

Good News. We have never had the experience of "X's" messing things up. But doing things together and involving everyone as a FAMILY is important. Yes, they have to know that they are cared for and not just "oh yeah, you too"

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

one post removed for hijacking, one quoting.

stay on topic.

[Ellie-n-Vladimir 3]

My step-children, girl 20 and boy 24, want to have a step mother as they lost their mom 3 yrs ago. I feel, hear, and see it every moment we're together. My boys (21, 26) respect my X's woman, she is close to my children - they call/sms/email each other, have some trips together. I do the same to her children, boy 21 and girl 25. I have no negative thoughts and feelings. 0 jealousy. My boys know I'm irreplaceable. I'm also fortunate that we (parents) don't have to deal with radically different parenting styles. However, I know few families where children did not accept step parents. Those children, though, did not have strong feelings with their bio parents. A girl would cross the street seeing her mother and demonstrate resentment to her life. That girl was resenting her step father regardless of the material support he provided.

What is happening has nothing to do with RUB or FSU. Maybe you did not expect it, or you do not find it normal, but that is because 1) you have 35+ years more behind you than your boys, 2) Lena is '5min before an hr' in the country and her new family. It cannot be any other way. Your boys will understand your needs and feelings to have a 'significant other.' They will appreciate the benefit of having a step mother, give them a time. I can only suggest that you relax and stop worrying about it. Moreover, adjust your expectations. The sooner you do so the easier it will be for you in the long term. Do the uncomfortable. Undoubtedly, you will be spending time with Lena. Always invite your children to join but never force. Welcome them but do not expect to follow. Don't do anything that puts boys over Lena.

Go ahead and enjoy your life.

[SMR 368]

I haven't done a scientific study of families in the US or the FSU, but I wouldn't say that one has categorically stricter expectations of the children. I know plenty of FSU children who did/do whatever they want. There are strict and open families (and functional and dysfunctional families) everywhere. Lena may have different expectations, but I would be careful to remember that it isn't because she is from the FSU. If she was from Alabama, she would also probably have different expectations (and no one could really predict what they were, just based on her geographic origin).

[Lena and Igor 5]

My step-children, girl 20 and boy 24, want to have a step mother as they lost their mom 3 yrs ago. I feel, hear, and see it every moment we're together. My boys (21, 26) respect my X's woman, she is close to my children - they call/sms/email each other, have some trips together. I do the same to her children, boy 21 and girl 25. I have no negative thoughts and feelings. 0 jealousy. My boys know I'm irreplaceable. I'm also fortunate that we (parents) don't have to deal with radically different parenting styles. However, I know few families where children did not accept step parents. Those children, though, did not have strong feelings with their bio parents. A girl would cross the street seeing her mother and demonstrate resentment to her life. That girl was resenting her step father regardless of the material support he provided.

What is happening has nothing to do with RUB or FSU. Maybe you did not expect it, or you do not find it normal, but that is because 1) you have 35+ years more behind you than your boys, 2) Lena is '5min before an hr' in the country and her new family. It cannot be any other way. Your boys will understand your needs and feelings to have a 'significant other.' They will appreciate the benefit of having a step mother, give them a time. I can only suggest that you relax and stop worrying about it. Moreover, adjust your expectations. The sooner you do so the easier it will be for you in the long term. Do the uncomfortable. Undoubtedly, you will be spending time with Lena. Always invite your children to join but never force. Welcome them but do not expect to follow. Don't do anything that puts boys over Lena.

Go ahead and enjoy your life.

Thank you. I believe as you it takes time to adjust to the new environment. I may have jumped the gun a bit but, I posted because there are signs of discontent coming from the boys and Lena and I would like to work towards a happy compromise. Yes, she is here only since 11 July. I like your final thought, "Go ahead and enjoy your life."

I hope that my post will help others in a similar situation.

[1HappyGuy 45]

Lena and Igor,

Like you said, only two weeks have passed since her arrival. Some sort of reaction (good or bad) was likely from your boys, but if everyone is willing to give it some time, the differences can be ironed out and resolved. Now that your ex-spouse has aired her disagreements with Lena you can approach that with the boys in calm and rational discussions. The fact that your fiancee is from another part of the world should just reinforce your desire to seek a different style of woman. Any fact like her being much younger and very nice looking is just added bonus. Explain this to the boys and they will begin to look for these differences and maybe appreciate them too.

Mostly, you just need to give it time. But asking the RUB community for advice means that you are paying attention and are a caring parent. Hang in there, it will be okay.

[Lena and Igor 5]

VJ - particularly the RUB forum has been and continues to be a guiding light during the process. Thank you.

[Captain Hammer 113]

VJ - particularly the RUB forum has been and continues to be a guiding light during the process. Thank you.

Just realize that the light you see is really a train heading straight at you.

[Lena and Igor 5]

Just realize that the light you see is really a train heading straight at you.

CRAZY TRAIN - Black Sabbath