OK...She's met my two teenage sons - Culture Clash!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

They probably feel kind of funny having a "hot young woman" in the house now that's off limits to them because "that's dad's girl."

"What if I get out of the shower and the water's glistening from my chest pubes down to my ball fro and she pops in on me. I mean, she's already had the old bull... what if she wants the young calf?"

Wait till she brings a few friends over. They may change how nice they are!

It's just like wacking off to your old man's Penthouse magazines. Somewhere a line must be drawn.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

They probably feel kind of funny having a "hot young woman" in the house now that's off limits to them because "that's dad's girl."

"What if I get out of the shower and the water's glistening from my chest pubes down to my ball fro and she pops in on me. I mean, she's already had the old bull... what if she wants the young calf?"

Wait till she brings a few friends over. They may change how nice they are!

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

For Lena:

I have two teenage sons who, for the most part are good boys. One is now a senior and the other will start jr. college in the fall. I've had custody since my divorce 4 years ago. Good boys who have had it good (too good) with dad. Kinda lazy, on their computers playing Counterstrike and World of Warcraft constantly. So far, I am observing that they are slow to be as welcoming with Lena as I would've hoped. She asked me to post the following question: has any RUB fiancées/wives experienced the ups and downs of developing a relationship with the American kids of the OP? I know this one's on me really. I've been too soft with my boys and when comparing how children are raised in the FSU according to Lena. I can foresee this situation becoming problematic. Any similar experiences/solutions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Time is going to tell on this one. But you need to take them aside in private and have a talk with them telling them this is how it is. You love her, she is your wife, you love them, they are your sons and you expect them to treat her with respect. If you don't do it soon it could tear your marrage apart.

The parent child relationship over there isn't like it is here in so many ways. Over there those kids jump when the parent says jump. There's no back talking and the parents word is the last word. Respect is the major difference from here and there. Over there you don't see negotiating like you do here.

Right now those boys are jealous and they have had their own way for awhile now. Don't come down on them, but you have to make it clear what's what...no grey area so to say. Hopefully this works out, but a lot of times it you just have to wait it out and weather the storm. Man I feel for ya though. I had a German step mom that was way younger than my dad and it was a tough one at first, but when I look back on it I was the one being a jerk.

Good luck on this one.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Why_Me

[Neonred 3,553]

My kids were just a little older, both at the university and away from home when my wife arrived. When they met each other my kids were polite but not overly friendly. Of course they did not know my new wife. My wife did make an effort to talk with them and immediately found common ground with my son as they both follow European soccer. A lot of good discussion about favorite players and teams. It was an instant bond. There has not been as close a relationship with my daughter but she is out of state and we do not get to spend as much time with her. Still my wife has been able to find common ground with fashion advice and buying clothes together.

[Tanya and Barry 59]

I have four sons. The youngest two are 18. Just give your sons time and don't try to force the situation. It is natural for them to be reserved at first.

[Captain Hammer 113]

It's probably more like they need time to get to know eachother .

Well put. It's going to take weeks if not months. Just let it happen, no need to force it or worry.

[Sergi9 110]

For Lena:

I have two teenage sons who, for the most part are good boys. One is now a senior and the other will start jr. college in the fall. I've had custody since my divorce 4 years ago. Good boys who have had it good (too good) with dad. Kinda lazy, on their computers playing Counterstrike and World of Warcraft constantly. So far, I am observing that they are slow to be as welcoming with Lena as I would've hoped. She asked me to post the following question: has any RUB fiancées/wives experienced the ups and downs of developing a relationship with the American kids of the OP? I know this one's on me really. I've been too soft with my boys and when comparing how children are raised in the FSU according to Lena. I can foresee this situation becoming problematic. Any similar experiences/solutions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Teenagers and young adults tend to be self absorbed. The wife should not take it personally. She should also not be put in the position of playing maid to the new crew. Define territories, if they are lazy and slobs like most american teens that is fine if its confined to the room, not the rest of the house or the commonly used areas.

She has a right so to speak to expect a clean and tidy abode and not have to pick up after them or take any ####### such as disrespect. It sounds like its too late to turn them into hard working participants of the household although it might be time to re-assess what everyone has as jobs around the house. You unfortunately are going to have the enforcer role do not put her in the position of having to be the bad guy.

Establishing a family meal time every day can have the effect of a forum for everyone to get to know each other assuming you or your wife likes to cook, and if the kids are openly rude or hostile or ignore her, then family meal time can be you and her having a nice meal and the boys can fend for themselves with ramen and pb&j, they might think twice about the cold shoulder under these circumstances.

If not who cares, one is a senior and the other is going to college and will be gone soon and you two can get on with your plans without the hassle of the kids.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

For Lena:

I have two teenage sons who, for the most part are good boys. One is now a senior and the other will start jr. college in the fall. I've had custody since my divorce 4 years ago. Good boys who have had it good (too good) with dad. Kinda lazy, on their computers playing Counterstrike and World of Warcraft constantly. So far, I am observing that they are slow to be as welcoming with Lena as I would've hoped. She asked me to post the following question: has any RUB fiancées/wives experienced the ups and downs of developing a relationship with the American kids of the OP? I know this one's on me really. I've been too soft with my boys and when comparing how children are raised in the FSU according to Lena. I can foresee this situation becoming problematic. Any similar experiences/solutions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Alla gets along fine with the two older boys. They are both on their own now so we do not have any such problems. Any change in your boy's routine is going to be perceived as originating from Lena and if they do not like the change, they are going to hold it against her. It can be difficult partocularly if she has different rules for her own kids (if she has any)

Alla and I have very similar ideas about raising children. We both will put the kids above all else BUT we do not tolerate laziness and never did and they are not going to sit around and play video games all day. They can play them when they do not have homework and house chores to do...or their jobs and they damn well better have a job once they are 15 or older. Both boys work full time right now in the summer plus do their "list" of chores. Otherwise the router gets unplugged

I can just tell you what has worked for us.

1. They are OUR kids, all of them. WE have 4 sons and 2 grandsons

2. Kids and grandkids are first and they know it. They need to know it. we have both had less problems getting them to do things if they know you take care of them. we get absolutely -0- backtalk, rolling eyes, arguments, etc. If we say to do it, they do it. If they don't like it I wouldn't know it.

3. Support each other. If they know that they can get out of something by going to the other you may as well blow your brains out now...you lost. If you do not agree with something your wife says to the kids, tell her later and go with it for now.

4. I refer to Alla ONLY as "Mom" at all times to the boys. Never "Your mother" NEVER, EVER. You and your wife are the "parents" in the house. Act like it in front of the kids at all times

5. Give her responsibilities. I take care of everything for the boys educations, bank accounts, travel arrangements, driving, insurance, entertainment (it is I who schedules shooting, swimming, rafting, outings with the boys) I will be the one that goes with Pasha to buy a car, etc. You should give your wife things to do for the boys so they have to go to her for something, whatever works for you. If she holds the "purse strings"so to speak, for something they will have to be more cooperative with her.

As I said, it works for us, I cannot guarantee your results will be the same.

[SuperDuper! 230]

Your boys are upset about the disruption in their lives. They'll get over it, especially after Lena starts preparing dinners and making their lives better by having a caring woman in their lives. Be sure to support Lena and the problems will be less. But, you also must be aware of the cultural differences and make adjustments to everyone's lives. This is not a slam dunk on the new integration of two cultures and it takes time. Everyone has to be a lot more tolerant and understanding, even your boys. I'm sure once they accept her into their lives things will improve greatly. You have been living a bachelor's life times three. Things change and the men need to accept it.

+1 Best Post on the Topic!

Lena needs insider tips from the boys dad on how to best warm up to them.

Cooking great food for them is a sneak (love) attack

Dad needs to give intelligence to Lena on how to irresistibly garner favor with the boys, then she cannot possibly fail.

Whaddya think, dad?

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

+1 Best Post on the Topic!

1HappyGuy is always making intelligent post but in this case I have to give slim a slight edge in this thread with the "best post so far award".

[eekee 182]

your kids are at the age where, like SMR said, she will never be an authority figure/mother to them. I get along with my stepmother just fine, but to me she is my dad's wife/mother of my siblings, not a second mother. If she has issues with their behavior, it'll be up to you to address this with your sons, I think.

[Captain Hammer 113]

Following on the heels of some very good advice...don't ever expect them to think of her as "mom." Don't ever expect them to call her "mom." Unless they really want to of course, but that's probably not going to happen, and if it does then let them decide on it. But as others have said, she's also not their maid, and everyone in the family, not just her, deserves to have a peaceful, tidy home. They may not want to spend time around her (initially), but they need to help with the chores, etc. If there's some real friction, you're going to need to sit down with them one on one and figure out what's going on.

Might be good to plan some family activities, but don't make it a thing where everyone's stuck with each other in the car for an hour. Have some barbecues, maybe play some board games together if you like that kind of thing. Or go twitching, it's a very relaxing and non-stressful activity. But in the end, they're going to have to respect her, and she's going to have to give them time. Unfortunately you are going to be caught up in the middle of it all, so a lot depends on how you handle it. Good luck, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. ;)

[Lena and Igor 5]

Do the boys have regular jobs?

No. This is a big problem! I hammer my 19 y.o. frequently and bring him applications occasionally. Yea, the job market sucks but you gotta get your feet on the street and work at getting a job. Him, I'm ready to ship back to the X. Honestly.

[eekee 182]

He is nineteen. He should be going out and getting the job applications himself!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

There is such great advice given in this thread - it really translates to all the blended families around. The age of the children is the biggest indicator of what type of relationship the step child and step parent may develop.

My 2 stepsons do not regard me as their mom, and neitehr do I expect that of them - I arrived on the scene when they were 14 and 16, my own daughter was 15 and she does not regard my husband as her father.

We expect everyone to be respectful, it's a battle - what with an ex wifes who bad mouths both of us etc. It's a work in progress and will probably always be.