I need some opinions

[bigdog 376]

Hello everyone, Thanks in advance to those who reply.

I met my husband in Ecuador 3 years ago and about one year ago we decided to get married and get him here on a K1 visa. I came home to California to do the paperwork, so we spent over six months apart and he finally arrived on February 2nd. During this whole time we talked on the phone all the time and were very much in love. I visited him, and I thought I could never be happier.

Unfortunately, shortly after his arrival (within the week?) he began showing strange behavior. I thought at first he was just uncomfortable in a new country, not speaking English, and all of the unfamiliar things he was doing, but it just got worse. He would call me 5 or 6 times during my shift at work to make sure I was working and not having sex with other men. He would always accuse me of cheating on him when I came home from work, or when we would be walking together and I would look at other men (now, when I say looking I mean with my eyes, not flirting and smiling, just looking). When I would deny it he would become angry and call me a ####### or a #######. I am not cheating on him and I haven't since we decided to be serious with each other 2 years ago. He however, feels that I did cheat on him because I didn't see him as my partner for the first year we knew each other (when I met him and spent 3 weeks out of the entire year with him). He feels like I am lying to him all the time because I was with other people during that first year. Since August 2009 when I went down to stay with him for a while I have not slept with anyone but him.

Then after a couple of months here living and fighting and wasting our 90 days away he admits to me that HE cheated on ME while we were traveling and living together in Peru about a year and a half ago. While I was sleeping in our bed, he was drunk f*ing some girl in the bathroom of the club, later to come home and sleep it off while I went to work. During all this time I have been supporting him, sending money to him in Ecuador, and later when we were traveling, paying all expenses. Of course his admission caused another huge fight in which I called him a hypocrite for calling me a cheater when he cheated worse than I ever could have. He slept on the sofa, but the next day I forgave him... I told him now we're even (even though we're not) and that we should leave it all behind but he didn't. He continued to accuse me of cheating (now with my female friends too!) and any time I would leave the house for any reason he would call me every 30 minutes to make sure I was "being good."

I lost my job after 2 months and I'm still not sure if it was related to my-then-fiance and his constant vigilance or if the owner really couldn't pay my wage anymore (which is what he told me). Without a job I am unable to sponsor my husband in AOS (I have no willing co-sponsors) and I am still unemployed almost 4 months later. I had money for AOS saved so I had a little something at least. As you can imagine, loosing my income put us in a bad place and made all of our problems worse. Luckily, he had misc. landscaping jobs he could do without documents and he supported us for a couple months. We still spent a lot of time fighting, but I could tell he felt better about himself once he was contributing. Things got a little better but our 90 days were about to expire and I couldn't just brake it off... I love him so much and we had so many wonderful experiences together that even with the fighting I didn't want to brake up... I want the best for him (of course) and I couldn't just put him back on a plane to Esmeraldas where he has no opportunities... He comes from a very poor family in a village with something like 70% unemployment. I can't just send him back, I can't.

We married on the 89th day of the K1 visa and that day I felt so wonderful but less than a week later we got into another screaming match in which he called me a ####### and a ####### and a bad woman and all the rest. He has never been physically violent with me but that night he threatened me so I went to sleep at my mothers house. After that I told him I couldn't live with him anymore... I sent him to live with some buddies he found playing soccer, about 30 minutes away from our house. Once he is living somewhere else he becomes so apologetic and loving he says he's so sorry (as he always does after a fight) and that he wants to come back etc. I tell him we need time to get our sh*t together and that I won't take him back until he stops calling me puta y sorra y el resto.

It's been over a month that we've been living separately now, and things have been better. We don't fight hardly ever because we only see each other for a couple of hours a week and I love it (the not fighting part). I decided to move to a bigger city because I can't find a job here and I thought maybe a couple of months later he could come and move with me there- once I have a job again and I am able to support him again he could come back... This is what I was thinking, but he doesn't want that, he wants to be with me NOW. He says he's changed, that he loves me, and that he didn't come to the US to live with a bunch of guys, he came to live with me. But, I know he hasn't changed because he still accuses me of cheating or planning to cheat, and he still becomes irrationally angry and rude whenever something doesn't go his way. And he still drinks. I know that planning a future on some unknown "change" is not very smart... but...

To make all matters worse, last week I went to bring him to visit late at night and I was so sleepy he offered to drive. Even though he doesn't have a license yet, I trust his driving skills. He said he had had 2 beers earlier and I thought he wouldn't offer to drive if he had been drinking (besides, 2 budlites are not going to get you drunk). Shortly after we get going he begins to drive erratically. He got angry about something (probably that I was still unwilling to have him back at home) and he began to speed up and slow down quickly and inappropriately. I got scared, I thought he was going to crash, and so I tried to get out of the car at the stop. He wouldn't let me leave and began to speed up again (on a crowded Friday night while everyone is walking the bar crawl) and a police officer saw us. He stopped us and I apologized saying we were fighting and that I would drive, but of course the cop had to pull my husband out of the car and test him for drunk driving. Turned out he blew 1.1% BAC (legal limit in CA is 0.08% or approx. 4 beers in an hour) and got a DUI! He maintained he had only had 2 budlites to the cops and to me, until 3 days later when he finally admits he had had 10 beers.

So, now he has a court date for his DUI and driving without a license, he's lying to me about I who knows what, we're still fighting, I'm still unemployed, we still haven't filed for AOS, and... we're f*cked right? This is just one long nightmare, right? Someone hit me over the head. Please.

You deserve to be happy, sounds like your done. See an attorney.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

M-Bone,

What you've described is classic Ecuatoriano "machista" behavior -- and I mean classic. The suspicion, the drinking, the double standards... I can't even chalk much of it up to his feeling like a "pescado out of water" in his new environment.

When I was courting & visiting the future Mrs. T-B., she mentioned this behavior to me, stating without rancor that this is why she could never marry an Ecuatoriano. She said, "Whether to a greater or lesser extent, every Ecuatoriano is a macho." I took intellectual note of it, but I privately dismissed it as exaggeration. Well, on my second visit, I did some observing. Every one of the dozen boyfriends/husbands that I observed exhibited machista behavior. Some of it was absolutely appalling. Even one of my future brothers-in-law -- so personable and popular and sweet with his kids and everything else -- blew up in a macho way over something completely innocuous. His poor little wife (my future sister-in-law) was terrified.

At our Stokes interrogation at the ####### Guayaquil consulate, the Foreign Service National who interviewed me asked why Mrs. T-B.-to-be wanted to marry an American. I told him that she wouldn't marry an Ecuatoriano because of the ingrown, inbred machista behavior that they all exhibited. He said, "Yes, there are still pockets of that here and there." When he said that, it was all that I could do not to bust through the Plexiglass and throttle him for being so dismissive of the obvious.

Your Ecuatoriano's behavior, abusiveness, and actions are just like those of a lowlife American redneck who lives in a trailer park. (How are they not?) That's the American equivalent of the caliber of guy that you married. To hell with feeling sorry for him. The objective situation is that, just like Mrs. T-B., you have no obligation to put up with any of this. His behavior and actions come from the culture and how he was raised, and he will not and cannot change. Despite your hopes and his apologies or protests, he will not change. Therefore, you need to cut the cord -- wish him well, but state that you have higher standards for treatment (which you do, or else you wouldn't have posted here), and he needs to leave. Use the AOS money to send him home, or to any other country where he might like to go.

As one whose previous marriage (to an Americana) was quite dysfunctional, I can tell you that as soon as he's permanently gone, you'll sit down in your now-peaceful home, open your favorite adult beverage, and say out loud to no one in particular, "I'm free." And it's the best feeling in the world, si man.

Faved as one of the best posts of all time.

[TBoneTX 45,284]

Faved as one of the best posts of all time.

Vielen dank, si man.

M-Bone: I sent your original post to Mrs. T-B., and we talked about it at some length. She has three words for you: SEND HIM BACK. She says that he will never change; the behavior is typical of more than 90% of Ecuatorianos (she then altered this figure to 99.9%); the fact that he's from a poor area (Esmeraldas) is not your concern; she can't believe that he calls you a puta (####### or #######); she's shocked at the seriousness of the DUI; and she says that the biggest problem for you and for every woman like you is to think that you're too blindly in love to see the truth about Ecuatoriano machista behavior.

I had another completely lawful idea that would efficiently rid yourself of the problem, but I edited it out of this post, because others might consider it to be extreme. Send me a PM if you're interested, si man.

Edited July 22, 2011 by TBoneTX

[VivaBaños 2]

Cut your losses. You don't deserve this, no one does. This could spiral into something much worse and more dangerous (the driving was enough for me) and you have to look out for yourself. This is not what you dreamed of when you thought of your future together. So, as countless others have stated--use that AOS money to send him packing.

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like this relationship was a ticket out to him. And because of his insecurities he is controlling you (even if only mentally with the constant cheating accusations) and insulting you. Yes there are definitely cultural differences that take time and effort to work through--but the stuff you report here is not worth it, because you'll likely never get to a place where you are comfortable in the relationship. And I fear that it is not going to improve dramatically when you find a job.

I'm married to an ecuatoriano and let me just say, there is at least 1 who is certainly not machista. I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

Best of luck as you grapple with this.

Now, to finish packing. Flying off to Ecuador later this afternoon to visit relatives.

[TBoneTX 45,284]

I had another completely lawful idea that would efficiently rid yourself of the problem

Communicated by PM to the OP per her inquiry, si man.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Communicated by PM to the OP per her inquiry, si man.

Inquiring minds want to know.

[TBoneTX 45,284]

Inquiring minds want to know.

See, man.

[Maliajannah 0]

Thank you very much to everyone for your replies. Your unanimous response has helped me to solidify my position, though I still can't seem to break it off... I went to visit him to tell him I needed a divorce in person, and to really make a stand. It's not the kind of thing you can take seriously over the phone, and I wanted to show him the reality of our situation. It took quite a lot of explaining for me to say that I wasn't going to see him or talk to him anymore and that I was going to bring the papers for him to sign. As the idea became clear to him he began to cry, and then became hysterical, grovelling on the floor begging me to change my mind, to not be so harsh on him. At first I tried not to look at him, but I can't stare at the ceiling while someone I love is so upset and I began to cry with him. In the end I was unable to hold my line and I told him I would wait to bring the papers and that we could talk twice a week on Wednesdays and Sundays... you know, to make sure we were both alright. He wanted four months of this to show me that things would change. Unfortunately, we all know they won't.

I come back here to read all your responses again, but somehow when I am with him I always change my mind... I remember all the great things we wanted to do together and I see him so loving and apologetic. I see him really wanting to change, wanting to make things better. He's so earnest and sincere... But unfortunately, he's also unhinged. He went to the ER the other night with a friend of his, claiming acute insomnia and migraines. I always have told him not to use the hospital because it's so expensive, but he believed his friend that his insurance would cover it (the friend's insurance, Patricio doesn't have his own insurance). The doctor told him he has migraines and anxiety and gave him a prescription for ATIVAN. He told me not to worry, that everything would be better soon and that I won't ever see any hospital bills. I have my fingers crossed.

On top of that, he has already breached the rules of our agreement (calling only Wednesday and Sunday) by calling me today (Tuesday) and begging me to change my mind about only talking twice a week. Saying he couldn't handle being so separate from me and that it will be better if we just talk more. I got a little angry on the phone, telling him he's always asking me for things and never sticking to his word, but I still finished the call telling him he could call me on Friday.

Why do I always give in?

I think you meant his BAC was 0.11%. It couldn't have been 1.1%. He'd be dead with half that much alcohol in his blood.

Thank you, you're right of course. 0.11% not 1.1%. Stupid mistake really.

Did he ever show such behaviors before? What is interesting to me is that you guys actually lived together before becoming engaged, therefore getting to know one another to a greater extent than many of us in this process. Can a person really change from night to day? From just crossing the border? Think about it, were there signs or symptoms that you chose to disregard for the sake of love and adventure?...

Laura the real answer to this is yes. New years 2010 he drank for 3 days straight and disappeared for 10 hours after telling me he would be right back. We broke up for 3 weeks. October 2009 we were staying at an organic farm volunteering in Canoa and he got angry at me for not being "in the mood" one night. We got in a fight, in which I'm sure some lines were crossed because I locked him out of the room somehow. We were in an elevated room and I didn't even think of the window as accessible but he climbed in, terrifying me. I thought he was coming to hurt me (though he said he only wanted to make up), but I starting calling for help and woke up the whole camp. I spent the night in a different room for a couple days. There are many more lesser fights that we had as well. Somehow through all our travels the bad stuff didn't seem so bad, the good stuff seamed more important, and the more time we spent together, the more attached to each other we became.

I don't know why I walked away from so many fights willing to keep going, but I did. I think that because we're in my home country now where I have established rules about things, the 'bad stuff' I used to write off has become bigger, and the good stuff I relied upon has almost disappeared. Put all together like this it makes me look like a fool. *sigh*

Edited July 27, 2011 by Maliajannah

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

You need to get some counseling, you are an enabler. Things will never be good, because you are enabling him to do bad. You will spend the rest of your living life trying to correct his mistakes, therefore you will never have anytime for your own self growth.

Please, I am not being mean, I am only telling you what you yourself already knowns.

[Golden Gate 530]

You need to get some counseling, you are an enabler. Things will never be good, because you are enabling him to do bad. You will spend the rest of your living life trying to correct his mistakes, therefore you will never have anytime for your own self growth.

Please, I am not being mean, I am only telling you what you yourself already knowns.

Yes. This is it, exactly Life's Journey!

Find out why you are doing what you are doing and stop worrying about him, Malia.

He will continually flip flop back and forth, be sorry for his behavior and yet still do it again, and sounds like he is being manipulative with the headache things...not saying he isn't getting the headaches, because I am sure he is, but then he shouldn't be drinking (alcohol brings on migraines!!) He is getting you to feel sorry for him. How can you love someone you pity? He will never make you happy, and all those memories will become just a pipe dream. He is too mixed up, and you can't fix him. That is his job, not yours. Hmmm, this sounds vaguely familiar - something like my ex from Mexico.

Edited July 27, 2011 by Golden Gate

[TBoneTX 45,284]

Aw, M-Bone, for God's sake...

[keysjangle 145]

You must find a way to boost your self esteem. He will continue to use and manipulate you until you are an old woman with nothing left to offer. He does not truly care about what is best for you or your relationship. He is like a parasite. He knows you are sensitive and cannot stand your ground which is why you take him back when he cries. It's like a child throwing a tantrum when you don't buy them something.

You NEED to leave this man. You need to do it for your health, sanity and happiness. You need to be strong!! Be tough, stand your ground and take control. Does it feel good to be treated like a doormat? No, of course not. So change your life.

First step: stand up to this cruel, loveless man and leave him for good. No more "we'll talk two days a week" business. Get the papers ready, serve them and move on.

[rlogan 2,036]

I don't know why I walked away from so many fights willing to keep going, but I did.

Because you have a personality defect: the inability to recognize and defeat manipulative behavior.

One of the things manipulative people do with everyone is phase I: evaluation. They try different tactics on you to see what works. Find your weaknesses and then just use them over and over again. Nothing they do can be taken as sincere, for example the crying and groveling. You said it yourself: you "just can't", meaning that tactic works splendidly on you. You are conscientious, so he can make you feel really guilty about things that are not even your fault whereas he has no conscience at all himself and is willing to put you through the worst kind of anguish: lie, humiliate, etc.

You need to read as much literature on manipulative disorders as you can. Start off with "In Sheep's Clothing". It change my life to read all this stuff. I could not believe how gullible and stupid I was about people before.

[Golden Gate 530]

Because you have a personality defect: the inability to recognize and defeat manipulative behavior.

One of the things manipulative people do with everyone is phase I: evaluation. They try different tactics on you to see what works. Find your weaknesses and then just use them over and over again. Nothing they do can be taken as sincere, for example the crying and groveling. You said it yourself: you "just can't", meaning that tactic works splendidly on you. You are conscientious, so he can make you feel really guilty about things that are not even your fault whereas he has no conscience at all himself and is willing to put you through the worst kind of anguish: lie, humiliate, etc.

You need to read as much literature on manipulative disorders as you can. Start off with "In Sheep's Clothing". It change my life to read all this stuff. I could not believe how gullible and stupid I was about people before.

http://memberfiles.freewebs.com/20/15/54021520/documents/In_Sheeps_Clothing.pdf

Edited July 27, 2011 by Golden Gate

[Maliajannah 0]

First step: stand up to this cruel, loveless man and leave him for good. No more "we'll talk two days a week" business. Get the papers ready, serve them and move on.

He is not cruel and loveless, and that's exactly why I have been down the same road with him again and again. If he was cruel and loveless I would have left him ages ago.

Because you have a personality defect: the inability to recognize and defeat manipulative behavior.

You need to read as much literature on manipulative disorders as you can. Start off with "In Sheep's Clothing". It change my life to read all this stuff. I could not believe how gullible and stupid I was about people before.

I have always been someone people would call gullible (I fall for silly pranks), but I truly believe any manipulation on his part is subconscious. He is not actively trying to manipulate me, at least not with any real intention. Perhaps he's manipulating in the way a child is, trying to get what they want without a full picture of what is going on.

http://memberfiles.freewebs.com/20/15/54021520/documents/In_Sheeps_Clothing.pdf

Wow. Thank you. That saves me a trip to the library... or at least looking for it myself. I haven't read this before so I definitely will now.

To everyone, I appreciate all of your support, though I have sensed a sharpness in more recent replies... Sometimes the discomfort of seeing someone continue to act stupidly causes anger towards that stupid person... but it feels a little rough. I know I'm acting foolishly at times but I don't need people I haven't met telling me I have a personality defect, thanks all the same.

I'll let you all know once I have the divorce.