I need some opinions

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Malia,

I feel very sorry for you and having to deal with this horrible turn of events. I agree with the other posters; cut your losses and move on with your life. You certainly deserve better than these last few months and him. As VJ member extraordinaire JimVaPhuong mentioned, his stay in the US is no longer your concern. If you do decide to leave him and divorce him you may decide to notify ICE or you may just choose to move on. Either way, he is not your concern any more. He should not be your concern any more. I understand you would feel guilty or responsible for him, yet he is an adult and has shown in his behavior that he lacks good judgment and is disrespectful and ungrateful of all of your efforts. Why should you continue to suffer because of him? Why would you keep believing him if he has said he would change in the same breath as he accuses you of cheating or calls you a puta? I believe most jealous and insecure people are suspicious because they are engaging in cheating themselves. Given what he did cheat on you while you were living together in Peru, why wouldn't he do the same here? Especially since you are currently separated?

Did he ever show such beahaviors before? What is interesting to me is that you guys actually lived together before becoming engaged, therefore getting to know one another to a greater extent than many of us in this process. Can a person really change from night to day? From just crossing the border? Think about it, were there signs or symptoms that you chose to disregard for the sake of love and adventure?...

Best wishes!

[TracyTN 237]

How does having a DUI make adjusting status more dfficult?

The only place there is any evidence of his working without papers is here in this post, so, that is not one of the things on the list making our life harder.

Any arrest or conviction can work against a green card applicant.

[Operator 1,927]

End it and move on. His behavior won't change.

[Barbara J 115]

I agree with Darnell and all those on here what are you thinking ? Move on and get rid of him this is never going to change and you could have such a happier life without him. Don;t be used or abused life is way too short. Get out now while you can and get him a ticket back home.

[Zee Bee 61]

M-Bone,

What you've described is classic Ecuatoriano "machista" behavior -- and I mean classic. The suspicion, the drinking, the double standards... I can't even chalk much of it up to his feeling like a "pescado out of water" in his new environment.

When I was courting & visiting the future Mrs. T-B., she mentioned this behavior to me, stating without rancor that this is why she could never marry an Ecuatoriano. She said, "Whether to a greater or lesser extent, every Ecuatoriano is a macho." I took intellectual note of it, but I privately dismissed it as exaggeration. Well, on my second visit, I did some observing. Every one of the dozen boyfriends/husbands that I observed exhibited machista behavior. Some of it was absolutely appalling. Even one of my future brothers-in-law -- so personable and popular and sweet with his kids and everything else -- blew up in a macho way over something completely innocuous. His poor little wife (my future sister-in-law) was terrified.

At our Stokes interrogation at the ####### Guayaquil consulate, the Foreign Service National who interviewed me asked why Mrs. T-B.-to-be wanted to marry an American. I told him that she wouldn't marry an Ecuatoriano because of the ingrown, inbred machista behavior that they all exhibited. He said, "Yes, there are still pockets of that here and there." When he said that, it was all that I could do not to bust through the Plexiglass and throttle him for being so dismissive of the obvious.

Your Ecuatoriano's behavior, abusiveness, and actions are just like those of a lowlife American redneck who lives in a trailer park. (How are they not?) That's the American equivalent of the caliber of guy that you married. To hell with feeling sorry for him. The objective situation is that, just like Mrs. T-B., you have no obligation to put up with any of this. His behavior and actions come from the culture and how he was raised, and he will not and cannot change. Despite your hopes and his apologies or protests, he will not change. Therefore, you need to cut the cord -- wish him well, but state that you have higher standards for treatment (which you do, or else you wouldn't have posted here), and he needs to leave. Use the AOS money to send him home, or to any other country where he might like to go.

As one whose previous marriage (to an Americana) was quite dysfunctional, I can tell you that as soon as he's permanently gone, you'll sit down in your now-peaceful home, open your favorite adult beverage, and say out loud to no one in particular, "I'm free." And it's the best feeling in the world, si man.

As always

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

Hello everyone, Thanks in advance to those who reply.

I met my husband in Ecuador 3 years ago and about one year ago we decided to get married and get him here on a K1 visa. I came home to California to do the paperwork, so we spent over six months apart and he finally arrived on February 2nd. During this whole time we talked on the phone all the time and were very much in love. I visited him, and I thought I could never be happier.

Unfortunately, shortly after his arrival (within the week?) he began showing strange behavior. I thought at first he was just uncomfortable in a new country, not speaking English, and all of the unfamiliar things he was doing, but it just got worse. He would call me 5 or 6 times during my shift at work to make sure I was working and not having sex with other men. He would always accuse me of cheating on him when I came home from work, or when we would be walking together and I would look at other men (now, when I say looking I mean with my eyes, not flirting and smiling, just looking). When I would deny it he would become angry and call me a ####### or a #######. I am not cheating on him and I haven't since we decided to be serious with each other 2 years ago. He however, feels that I did cheat on him because I didn't see him as my partner for the first year we knew each other (when I met him and spent 3 weeks out of the entire year with him). He feels like I am lying to him all the time because I was with other people during that first year. Since August 2009 when I went down to stay with him for a while I have not slept with anyone but him.

Then after a couple of months here living and fighting and wasting our 90 days away he admits to me that HE cheated on ME while we were traveling and living together in Peru about a year and a half ago. While I was sleeping in our bed, he was drunk f*ing some girl in the bathroom of the club, later to come home and sleep it off while I went to work. During all this time I have been supporting him, sending money to him in Ecuador, and later when we were traveling, paying all expenses. Of course his admission caused another huge fight in which I called him a hypocrite for calling me a cheater when he cheated worse than I ever could have. He slept on the sofa, but the next day I forgave him... I told him now we're even (even though we're not) and that we should leave it all behind but he didn't. He continued to accuse me of cheating (now with my female friends too!) and any time I would leave the house for any reason he would call me every 30 minutes to make sure I was "being good."

I lost my job after 2 months and I'm still not sure if it was related to my-then-fiance and his constant vigilance or if the owner really couldn't pay my wage anymore (which is what he told me). Without a job I am unable to sponsor my husband in AOS (I have no willing co-sponsors) and I am still unemployed almost 4 months later. I had money for AOS saved so I had a little something at least. As you can imagine, loosing my income put us in a bad place and made all of our problems worse. Luckily, he had misc. landscaping jobs he could do without documents and he supported us for a couple months. We still spent a lot of time fighting, but I could tell he felt better about himself once he was contributing. Things got a little better but our 90 days were about to expire and I couldn't just brake it off... I love him so much and we had so many wonderful experiences together that even with the fighting I didn't want to brake up... I want the best for him (of course) and I couldn't just put him back on a plane to Esmeraldas where he has no opportunities... He comes from a very poor family in a village with something like 70% unemployment. I can't just send him back, I can't.

We married on the 89th day of the K1 visa and that day I felt so wonderful but less than a week later we got into another screaming match in which he called me a ####### and a ####### and a bad woman and all the rest. He has never been physically violent with me but that night he threatened me so I went to sleep at my mothers house. After that I told him I couldn't live with him anymore... I sent him to live with some buddies he found playing soccer, about 30 minutes away from our house. Once he is living somewhere else he becomes so apologetic and loving he says he's so sorry (as he always does after a fight) and that he wants to come back etc. I tell him we need time to get our sh*t together and that I won't take him back until he stops calling me puta y sorra y el resto.

It's been over a month that we've been living separately now, and things have been better. We don't fight hardly ever because we only see each other for a couple of hours a week and I love it (the not fighting part). I decided to move to a bigger city because I can't find a job here and I thought maybe a couple of months later he could come and move with me there- once I have a job again and I am able to support him again he could come back... This is what I was thinking, but he doesn't want that, he wants to be with me NOW. He says he's changed, that he loves me, and that he didn't come to the US to live with a bunch of guys, he came to live with me. But, I know he hasn't changed because he still accuses me of cheating or planning to cheat, and he still becomes irrationally angry and rude whenever something doesn't go his way. And he still drinks. I know that planning a future on some unknown "change" is not very smart... but...

To make all matters worse, last week I went to bring him to visit late at night and I was so sleepy he offered to drive. Even though he doesn't have a license yet, I trust his driving skills. He said he had had 2 beers earlier and I thought he wouldn't offer to drive if he had been drinking (besides, 2 budlites are not going to get you drunk). Shortly after we get going he begins to drive erratically. He got angry about something (probably that I was still unwilling to have him back at home) and he began to speed up and slow down quickly and inappropriately. I got scared, I thought he was going to crash, and so I tried to get out of the car at the stop. He wouldn't let me leave and began to speed up again (on a crowded Friday night while everyone is walking the bar crawl) and a police officer saw us. He stopped us and I apologized saying we were fighting and that I would drive, but of course the cop had to pull my husband out of the car and test him for drunk driving. Turned out he blew 1.1% BAC (legal limit in CA is 0.08% or approx. 4 beers in an hour) and got a DUI! He maintained he had only had 2 budlites to the cops and to me, until 3 days later when he finally admits he had had 10 beers.

So, now he has a court date for his DUI and driving without a license, he's lying to me about I who knows what, we're still fighting, I'm still unemployed, we still haven't filed for AOS, and... we're f*cked right? This is just one long nightmare, right? Someone hit me over the head. Please.

Ma'am,

I am truly sorry for what you are going through but this is no nightmare, this is the life you are living right now. I am new to this forum since I have recently gotten married and going through the CR1 process myself, but I felt compelled to answer to this post.

I 100% agree with everyone on this post, you need to get yourself together and leave him ASAP, don't pass go, don't collect 200$, just leave. I'd get the marriage annuled, cut my losses as the other VJ'ers have suggested and make like a tree, and get out of there. Stop all contact with him immediately, it's obvious that you are still emotionally attached to him at the hip. And as long as he knows that he will always appeal to that to get you to stay with him. No phone calls, emails, video chat, or smoke signals. There are ways to get this done without him, Google is an excellent friend:)

He is just verbally abusive now, it WILL escalate to physical violence in time. Don't wait another minute....

[Casprd 167]

ditto with what everyone else has said. He is not going to change his behavior and he has shown you that repeatedly, not to mention actions which put you at serious risk. If it is this bad at the beginning of the marriage it won't get better. You need to cut your losses and move on. Leave him to the mercy of ICE. I would definately advise USCIS of the situation and leave it in their hands.

[G&T 12]

I second the opinions of everyone else.

Is best for you to cut this relationship and get some advise on how to divorce invert the whole process. Luckily you have not filed for his AOS, don't make the mistake to feel pity for him and go on with it, the whole process feels right and is easy when you are doing it for someone who you see yourself having a future with. If you are having all this OBVIOUS RED Flags now and you go on with it you might be even accused of immigration fraud , as someone else pointed put, because at some point you won't be able to go on with this Circus, better do it now that later when it will be worse.

Also, get the advise from an immigration lawyer( a consultation should not cost u) I don't think that you are financially responsible for this person but you did filed an affidavit of support for him, so get inform because I bet that HE will use the information against you if he can, probably I am just given a not needed extra 2 cents on this one.

[NY_BX 397]

There are one-too-many red flags here on a personal/ marriage level and on a AOS/ legal level. I'm not judging your decision making process or you as a person, simply because I don't know you. However, I must ask, what prompted you to allow, this man, or anyone for that matter, to abuse you like this? I have a bad hunch that indeed he is partly to blame for your job loss. That alone is scary beyond repair. Everything else, are unnecessary headaches for an elocuent, kind hearted woman like you.

By reading your post I sense that you and I share a common trait: we are kind hearted, therefore we feel "sorry" for those less fortunate that us AND feel a great need to help. The problem is with that is crossing the line between helping and fighting a third party's battle. One thing is charity and another thing is ownership of responsibility. For example, I live in New York and ooooooh how many times to we encounter beggers on the trains. One thing is to give them money or food. Another is to offer help and send them to a homeless shelter. People like us would dare to bring them home, feed them, cloth them and try to fix their problems. We'd be called heroes, but in reality, we're not helping at all! Like they say in Puerto Rico: "el famoso ay bendito!"

So, if this man comes from an extremely poor family and has lived a less fortunate life, that's not for you to take on as your responsibility. What ended up happening is the obvious: entitlement. Now, you don't have a husband... you have a bratty son that now feels entitled to run (and ruin) your life. The sense of entitlement is apalling, off-putting and disheartening to say the least. You deserve so much better! I know that and I don't even know you!

In conclusion, I echo the advise presented by this community: get rid of him and get a new life. This is clearly not only for your sanity, but for the legal woes coming up. He is dangerous!

God bless you and please look at this with fresh eyes. You will be victorious!

[jac_chappin 24]

You deserve much better than that given everything you have done for him.

No one can make the decision for you but deep down you know you deserve better.

Take back control of your life!

Best wishes!

[TBoneTX 45,284]

As always

Thank you, Z-Bone; an endorsement from someone of your high caliber means a lot.

M-Bone: The funds that you have saved for AOS are just about equal to a round-trip ticket between here & Ecu, so they should nicely cover a one-way trip plus his checked-baggage fees. They'll feed him lunch on the plane.

[A & L 2]

He's f*cked, you're not. What are you holding onto?

This summed up my thoughts exactly. Based on your descriptions, there is nothing happy sounding about this relationship, and considering all the current circumstances you may be looking at getting hit for marriage fraud, as someone stated above. I don't know either of you to make informed opinions so obviously all I've got is speculation, but it sounds to me he is constantly attacking you with cheating suspicions to waylay any suspicions you might have over him doing any cheating, outside of the one time he admitted. You may love him and feel some kind of protective responsibility to not send him back to his country where he will have no real opportunities, but honestly he doesn't deserve the ones you're giving him here, and you are wasting yourself away over a man who, according to what you've said about your relationship with him, isn't worth a single ounce of your love.

Save yourself the stress, pain and heartache.

[catracha85 6]

So, you bring a guy from Ecuador, you sponsor him, maintain him financially almost a 100%, he is verbally abusive, he likes to drink............and if that is not enough he cheated on you.

What else you need to L-E-A-V-E him? Sometimes when you are so in love, loves may blind you. But open your eyes, because things are not going to be better with his behavior.

What is the purpose of passing for such a pain and stress in a k1 process, if once married you are not going to be together as husband and wife??

He should be threating you as a queen! Its in your hands to stop the process and send him back to his village

[Dan and Judy 614]

The big problem here is that you are cheating on him every chance you get and you can't stop

[Dan and Judy 614]

the reason you can't stop is that it is happening in his head. He believes it. There is nothing you can do to change it. You have absolutely no control over it. If you stay with him for 10 years you will be cheating on him every day. He hasn't been violent yet but your continued cheating is going to drive him over the edge. He will beat you. and if you don't stop the cheating (which you can't) he will probably kill you.