Has this story ever turned out well for American man and Russian woman?

[TracyTN 237]

Is your other thread not enough for you to discuss this at length or?

[catracha85 6]

[/you as a guy who is way too obsessed with sex.quote]

Isn't fiance a 39 years old women? or a virgin or what?

I believe this is not a fair relationship. You are both growups, madure persons not teenages dating, so come on ppl!! A couple how love reciprocally each other dont use sex to get something. That is not LOVE. And if you have a doubt, simply don't get married. Marriage is something very serious, for all your life...

Just my cent

[tom&tanya 48]

I sense some troll-like behavior

[rika60607 215]

Mmm... you misunderstood my "other thread" posts a bit. Quite a bit, in fact.

Yes, American/RUB marriages can be and often are very happy, but it is not automatic.

You will do whatever you want to do, obviously. I just hope that you are not about to bite more than you can chew... do not marry if you are not absolutely sure. I can tell you from the first hand experience that getting divorced is MUCH harder than getting married.

Thank you Rika.

I remember your comments from way back. I believe you wrote in a post that when you first arrived, you treated your beloved man badly, and later regretted treating him that way. Those comments of yours are part of what gives me hope that this situation could turn out to have a happy ending.

I do try to be realistic and avoid unnecessary pain whenever possible.

So now I am trying to understand the commitment that would be needed, and if my life would be richer or not, and if the risk is too high.

Maybe by understanding her behavior through the lens of BPD, I won't be so easily wounded by insensitive things she does or says.

She did wind up with me because I was the only man she felt could deal with her emotions (All more sensible men ran for the hills, leaving only me??)

So, I knew I was getting a super-emotional girl. My bet was that the positive emotions "upside" would make the other parts worthwhile enough to cope with the occasional negative emotions "downside".

To be sure, there have been some wonderful times mixed in with the difficulties. I just haven't written about the wonderful times because they're not a difficulty I need help with. Maybe a few more weeks of helping her adjust and being sensitive will help put things into balance and result in happier ongoing relations, and a plan for coping with BPD issues.

Wish me luck and pray for me as I do my best to work through this.

[Phil N 4]

Very different issues. Help or don't help, it's up to you.

I truly appreciated everyone's comments in the other thread.

Now I'm pretty sure of what I'm dealing with. Focusing on one narrow issue, physical intimacy, showed the pattern and led to the underlying issue.

If you know of good BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) discussion boards, that would help.

There is very limited amount of BPD discussion on VJ. Mostly it's in the "Run Forrest Run" category.

Basically the posts say dealing with a BPD person is going to be your worst nightmare, this side of a Narcissist, in any type of divorce setting.

They say that BPD persons are skilled and convincing liars who are excellent at manipulating the family court system and making a man's life a living hell.

I choose to be open to the possibility that my girl is simply very insecure and BPD for her is about survival and controlling her environment, and that things could still turn out very good. At least, I will go in believing this is possible, and try to educate myself enough to avoid:

a) Making a horrible, life-decimating mistake that totally screws me over for the next 10 years

or

b) Missing out on a talented, beautiful, caring woman who could be an amazing life partner, not to mention another daughter who might just be the one who looks after me in old age.

From what I've learned so far, most BPD women will typically turn an accommodating, chivalrous, good-hearted, woman-on-a-pedestal man into a piece of hamburger. Since I'm a bit of a #######, selfish #######, etc. myself, and may have more issues than her, she just may have met her match in me. One question is if this woman is worth me learning the skills to make the lioness purr. I have no problem standing up for my self, facing her disappointment and letting the chips fall where they may. But, at the end of the day, will the happiness be worth the effort, or should I bolt for the exit now while I still have my sanity? (or can still at least publicly maintain my delusion of sanity? ;-) ) I think I owe it to her and her daughter to at least make a decent effort.

We've all read the horror stories from fiance/fiancee K1 sponsors whose beneficiary turned into a monster after arriving and getting married. What's different here is I'm reaching out for help before things have gotten out of hand.

[rika60607 215]

It is time to talk to your nearest psychologist about BPD, diagnosis and treatment options for it.

[TBoneTX 45,364]

It is time to talk to your nearest psychologist about BPD, diagnosis and treatment options for it.

Absolutely, si man. It's illegal for any of us here to practice (psychiatric) medicine without a license. And are you a licensed mental-health professional who has the wherewithal to make a diagnosis of this sort? How about "My relationship is dysfunctional, and we're either seeking professional counseling together or I'm calling it off and sending her home for both our sakes"?

Edited to add: And why are you posing such questions here instead of on a mental-health forum board?

Finally, in answer to

5) How can I protect myself from having my life destroyed if I do marry her and things start spiraling out of control in a bad way?

Don't marry her. Asking such a question is proof positive that there's no foundation for a functional relationship. Edited July 20, 2011 by TBoneTX

[TracyTN 237]

You brought up the same issue in that thread which is why it confused me to see a completely new thread about it.

Regardless, I agree with rika's suggestion.

[Fandango 1,439]

I dunno....if I had this much doubt before getting married, I'd rethink getting married.

[Phil N 4]

You brought up the same issue in that thread which is why it confused me to see a completely new thread about it.

Regardless, I agree with rika's suggestion.

Yeah, at this point, marriage is nearly out of the question, barring some sort of miracle, and it would be toward the end of the 90 day period, not anytime soon.

I am sure I am certifiable for not simply totally ruling it out.

I did say in that thread that this was my plan, to start a new thread, now that I've determined it's BPD I'm dealing with.

I did find the excellent BPD resource, "Stop Walking On Eggshells" 2010 edition, at my local library, and also "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me!"

I've adopted and tried some of the ideas and mindsets from "Stop Walking On Eggshells" in interacting with my girl. So far, so good. I can see her in a different way.

I also ran across suggestions to look at the forum "Welcome To Oz" for significant others of Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers. So, I will go there next.

Why am I doing this in this way, posting in a public forum (semi-anonymously)?

1) Because it's the best source of knowledgeable people who will share their opinions and insights and experiences

2) Because I want others to have access to my story, as they deal with issues in their foreign fiance/fiancee relationships, and if any part of it helps them, so much the better. The stories of others have helped ME so incredibly much in this process, and have helped me have the fortitude to STOP and not make a major decision, without due process. Reading about fiance/fiancees taken by a ride by their K1 beneficiary, VAWA fraud, etc. has helped me to know the consequences of a poor decision in this area. Certainly I'm guilty of hoping, wishing, and ignoring red flags.

I have been on the receiving end of an attack divorce from my American first ex-wife, and it was very emotionally painful and extremely expensive. There's nothing and no woman worth ever going through that again. One observation is that we men tend to suffer in silence, in relationships with an abusive/mentally ill partner, until things are so out of hand that there are few good alternatives left. I'm trying to break that pattern and in the process, share my story to help others in the future.

For the record, I love women, and I have two beautiful, amazing, high-achieving young adult daughters. I love this woman I am engaged to, and even if I cannot marry her, I can appreciate the beauty in her womanly qualities, and do my best to treat her in a respectful way, as I move on with my life.

[Phil N 4]

It is time to talk to your nearest psychologist about BPD, diagnosis and treatment options for it.

Thank you so much for your sincere and helpful posts in the other thread. Your thoughts, and those of several other Russian/Ukrainian/FSU women were so helpful in understanding the limits of cultural differences. It helped make it clear to me that what I am dealing with is well beyond cultural differences, and in the mental health realm. When Russian women are telling me NOT to marry one of their own, that speaks volumes.

I am seeking out and evaluating options in the BPD area.

[Nina~ 431]

Personally I would never marry or stay in a relationship with a BPD person, just because BPD is almost impossible to treat. If you do wish to stay & marry your fiancee, you might want to google & read up on "Drama Triangle" by Steve Karpman. I have never read "I hate you - Don't leave me" but I heard that it is a great book.

Good Luck OP.

[Phil N 4]

Personally I would never marry or stay in a relationship with a BPD person, just because BPD is almost impossible to treat. If you do wish to stay & marry your fiancee, you might want to google & read up on "Drama Triangle" by Steve Karpman. I have never read "I hate you - Don't leave me" but I heard that it is a great book.

Good Luck OP.

Nina, thank you so much also for your very helpful offline messages. I will take a look at the Drama Triangle book.

The Stop Walking On Eggshells (SWOE) book suggests to NOT confront the BP with your opinion about their BPD. They do appear to make an exception for situations where the future of the relationship hinges on the BP being willing to confront this issue. For now, I am going to just use the mindsets and skills from SWOE about dealing with the BP's emotions and manipulations, and getting my needs met in a healthy way at the same time. I'm going to check out the Oz forums for more advice about when/how to raise the issue with her. I'd like to think my girl may be a less severe and more sincere BP than most, but, I'm also doing my best to live in reality.

The "splitting" behavior is especially frustrating, because I'd just like to be appreciated for all the BIG things I do, rather than constantly castigated for every small thing I do that upsets her, and cancels out any and all good things.

[Nina~ 431]

No, don't buy the book. It is an article written by Steve Karpman and you can find it by doing a simple google search.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

While the OP felt it reasonable to separate his concerns into two separate threads, this is an immigration related forum and the second thread really is a continuation of issues raised in the first thread but have veered off from the immigration related focus. In order to keep all of the relevant information in one location as well as to keep the focus on 'immigration' issues, I am merging the two threads and request that the discussion about the various issues be confined to this thread.

I will also give my support to the post advising viewers that this is an immigration forum and while some of us can reasonably expect to offer valid immigration related advice, none of us are qualified to evaluate a relationship or a psychological 'evaluation' of one person in that relationship and should refrain from doing more than offering our opinions about the immigration aspects of the situation.

OP, you and your fiancee would be well advised to seek a consultation and perhaps several sessions with a relationship counselor who is qualified to offer advice in this area.

One duplicate post has also been removed.

Edited July 20, 2011 by Kathryn41