Has this story ever turned out well for American man and Russian woman?

[san diego 407]

What strikes me is that you are overly focused on physical side. It may be a bog turn-off for any woman, not just russian. I am male, 36 yo that just got married to a russian woman. Even I am not always ready for intimacy, and sometimes turn my new wife down when she makes advances. This is normal. In order to become intimate you have to be in the right state of mind. Even I have to be in the right state of mind, and I am a male. Females need even more. No offense, but from reading your post (I may be wrong), you treat her like a sex toy, not like a life partner. I would definitely be offended if I was a woman.. In addition, you have to put yourself in her shoes. She just came here and is in total shock.. In the meantime, you leave her alone at home. She neeeds you. If you want this to work I would recommend the following:

1) Try to spend all your free time with her for at least 1st 3 months in US. Try to be sensitive. This is a good sign that she wants to be with you. She is clearly insecure now, all alone in a new country, and you make her feel even more insecure.

2) Stop talking about sex and verbally demanding it. This is a huge turn-off. I am just surprised that you do not know it. Make a mood for it, kiss her. Intimacy is not mechanical act. I feel that you are treating it as such.

I think there is a cultural difference. The main cultural difference is that in US we all treat sex as a mechanical act.

In general, I would wait. Try to be understanding, sensitive to the fact that she is in the state of shock. If it does not get better than do what others are suggesting.

You sound entirely too focused on sex. Your relationship isn't working on ANY level and yet all you can complain about is the physical part. Can't say I blame her for sleeping in another room, to be honest.

Right on!

[Nina~ 431]

Phil, check your inbox.

[Dan and Judy 614]

Again, thank you to everyone who posted.

Several suggested my girl has BiPolar disorder. I looked at this extensively, and while she could have BiPolar II or BiPolar Cyclothymia, or even Mixed BiPolar Disorder, the fit was only partial between those symptoms and the behaviors I am seeing.

A better hypothesis that fits her behavior more closely is Borderline Personality Disorder.

-----------

University of Washington psychologist Marsha Linehan, one of the world's leading experts on BPD, describes it this way: "Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."

Borderline patients seem to have no internal governor; they are capable of deep love and profound rage almost simultaneously. They are powerfully connected to the people close to them and terrified by the possibility of losing them — yet attack those people so unexpectedly that they often ensure the very abandonment they fear. When they want to hold, they claw instead. Many therapists have no clue how to treat borderlines.

What defines borderline personality disorder — and makes it so explosive — is the sufferers' inability to calibrate their feelings and behavior. When faced with an event that makes them depressed or angry, they often become inconsolable or enraged.

For (BP Sufferer Woman) Lily, who calls (Psychologist Marsha Linehan's) therapy "Zen philosophy meets tough love," Linehan was the first therapist to understand that managing Lily's illness would require Lily to take a new kind of responsibility — a willingness to grow the emotional skin she never had.

Linehan also taught Lily various skills to regulate her emotions. Among the most important is one Linehan calls the "wise mind" — a kind of calm, Zen state that Linehan insists even the most debilitated patients can achieve. "Generally," she writes, "I have patients follow their breath ... and try to let their focus settle into their physical center, at the bottom of their inhalation. That very centered point is wise mind." Lily remembers this sensation clearly; she came to feel that her dark moods had a physical location in her body — her solar plexus — and when she focused on it, she could deactivate a destructive emotion.

-------------

In particular, I have experienced the "splitting" behavior in relationships typical of partners of BPD sufferers, where I go from savior to devil in a few moments over a very trivial matter.

Also, I have observed a lot of black-and-white thinking from her.

One that has been most problematic for ME: She has a BELIEF that I am the CAUSE of her emotions, that her emotions are something that simply happen to her as a result of external causes, and that she has little or no choice in the matter. Naturally, I am a frequent external cause of her emotions, and all too often, the emotions that result are negative and I am the devil to her.

I will post a separate topic asking for the wisdom of others as I learn more about this situation.

I need to figure out if this situation can be saved and the potential for a happy relationship is there, or if the only sane thing would be for me to cut my losses and run, and if so, how to do that in a responsible and considerate way.

By the time you start trying to figure out exactly what kind of disorder your fiance' has, you have already lost.

If it was an american girl it would be easy to walk away.

Youve already made a commitment, You've already found out it was a mistake.

there is an emergency exit but it seems that short of being chased around the house with a butcher knife, you are not willing to use the exit.

I'm being blunt because "I been there, done that"

You can "save" her from poverty but you are not going to "cure" her.

What you see now is what you are going to get.

[Phil N 4]

What strikes me is that you are overly focused on physical side. It may be a bog turn-off for any woman, not just russian. I am male, 36 yo that just got married to a russian woman. Even I am not always ready for intimacy, and sometimes turn my new wife down when she makes advances. This is normal. In order to become intimate you have to be in the right state of mind. Even I have to be in the right state of mind, and I am a male. Females need even more. No offense, but from reading your post (I may be wrong), you treat her like a sex toy, not like a life partner. I would definitely be offended if I was a woman.. In addition, you have to put yourself in her shoes. She just came here and is in total shock.. In the meantime, you leave her alone at home. She neeeds you. If you want this to work I would recommend the following:

1) Try to spend all your free time with her for at least 1st 3 months in US. Try to be sensitive. This is a good sign that she wants to be with you. She is clearly insecure now, all alone in a new country, and you make her feel even more insecure.

2) Stop talking about sex and verbally demanding it. This is a huge turn-off. I am just surprised that you do not know it. Make a mood for it, kiss her. Intimacy is not mechanical act. I feel that you are treating it as such.

I think there is a cultural difference. The main cultural difference is that in US we all treat sex as a mechanical act.

In general, I would wait. Try to be understanding, sensitive to the fact that she is in the state of shock. If it does not get better than do what others are suggesting.

Right on!

The comments of this group of posters suggest that you haven't actually read the thread. If you did read it, you only read it with your biases and prejudices activated and ignored anything that didn't fit your preconceptions. I understand it is a lot to read.

Trying to ration sex and intimacy to control a man's behavior (to manipulate him into a quick marriage) is a huge red flag about the relationship.

Neither she nor I belong on a pedestal. She used sex and intimacy as bait to lure me in, try to get me hooked, and then withhold to try to control my behavior.

On my last visit, when I told her I was losing feelings for her, because she seemed unavailable, she told me that it was my misunderstanding, and all I had to do was "Phil, TAKE what you want! So much wasted time!" And then proceeded to seduce me and engage in 2 hours of porn-star like sex with me.

So she was suggesting that all I had to do was initiate and persist in taking what I wanted.

In phone conversations during the weeks before she flew over, she made a point of talking about how she was getting an extra supply of birth control pills at the pharmacy before coming over.

After she arrived here, I found that the "TAKE what you want" rule had somehow totally changed to, "you get NOTHING until after we are married".

I was operating based on what SHE had told me, only to find "TAKE what you want" was a lie, a clever little manipulation to keep me hooked.

She did seduce me with one quick "nooner" on the third day here, that was apparently intended to remind me of what I was missing, so I would marry her quickly.

After that she told me no more sex until after we were married, and she would sleep in the room with her daughter until then.

To be clear, I chose this woman for all her other qualities, and sex was only one piece of the puzzle.

If you read the thread with more attention, you would have noticed that several posters suggested my girl is bipolar, and then finally, that I don't think she is bipolar, but likely does have Borderline Personality Disorder or some similar related condition.

I appreciate the helpful intent; would you consider suspending prejudices, re-reading the thread, and then sharing comments?

Remember that TWO real and complicated people are involved, and three when you count her teenage daughter, and six when you count my existing young adult children.

[san diego 407]

The comments of this group of posters suggest that you haven't actually read the thread. If you did read it, you only read it with your biases and prejudices activated and ignored anything that didn't fit your preconceptions. I understand it is a lot to read.

Trying to ration sex and intimacy to control a man's behavior (to manipulate him into a quick marriage) is a huge red flag about the relationship.

Neither she nor I belong on a pedestal. She used sex and intimacy as bait to lure me in, try to get me hooked, and then withhold to try to control my behavior.

On my last visit, when I told her I was losing feelings for her, because she seemed unavailable, she told me that it was my misunderstanding, and all I had to do was "Phil, TAKE what you want! So much wasted time!" And then proceeded to seduce me and engage in 2 hours of porn-star like sex with me.

So she was suggesting that all I had to do was initiate and persist in taking what I wanted.

In phone conversations during the weeks before she flew over, she made a point of talking about how she was getting an extra supply of birth control pills at the pharmacy before coming over.

After she arrived here, I found that the "TAKE what you want" rule had somehow totally changed to, "you get NOTHING until after we are married".

I was operating based on what SHE had told me, only to find "TAKE what you want" was a lie, a clever little manipulation to keep me hooked.

She did seduce me with one quick "nooner" on the third day here, that was apparently intended to remind me of what I was missing, so I would marry her quickly.

After that she told me no more sex until after we were married, and she would sleep in the room with her daughter until then.

To be clear, I chose this woman for all her other qualities, and sex was only one piece of the puzzle.

If you read the thread with more attention, you would have noticed that several posters suggested my girl is bipolar, and then finally, that I don't think she is bipolar, but likely does have Borderline Personality Disorder or some similar related condition.

I appreciate the helpful intent; would you consider suspending prejudices, re-reading the thread, and then sharing comments?

Remember that TWO real and complicated people are involved, and three when you count her teenage daughter, and six when you count my existing young adult children.

Phil, I did read your comments carefully. And I did make my comment based on what I read. Again, as I mentioned, I may be wrong. But please, read what I said: this is a new environment for her and she is insecure. I really do not think there is anything wrong with her. The fact that she wants to be with you and that she gets upset when you leave to be with your friends points towards her insecurity rather than her taking you for a ride.. You have to put yourself in her shoes: she is in a brand-new country, trying to adjust. Everything is alien to her here. You have your job, your friends.. She has NOTHING HERE !! Literally! Nothing that she claims to be hers.. NOw in a second you can turn around and send her back.. How secure can she feel? Basically, you are saying to her: "put up or leave".. She made a huge commitment (independently of her past financial situation) of coming here, changing her life drastically! You have to be patient and sensitive to it. The fact that she wants to get married ASAP only points towards this insecurity. She is not asking for money or expensive gifts. All she is asking for is a piece of security.. Marriage is one part of it. I am in no way a marriage specialist or pretend to know your situation. However, from what you wrote I say that she is insecure and you do only increase this sense rather than trying to make her more comfortable. If you feel that my advice is incorrect or assessment is incorrect you may ignore it. However, one thing if you are looking for advice where everyone is saying : "Oh! You are right, Phyl, and she is a b$$$tch" and another thing is if you are looking for objective assessment.

Edited July 18, 2011 by san diego

[rika60607 215]

Phil,

if you two do not get along and you are not happy with each other... Is it important who's fault it is and who might have what sickness and what the reasons are? I did not get impression that you were madly in love with each other ever...

Don't get married. Buy her tickets to get home and make sure you restore everything for her back to pre-Phil days as much as you can. That would be a kind and reasonable thing to do.

Why would you want to get married and continue to hurt each other??? If you don't fit together, then you don't fit together.

[san diego 407]

Phil,

if you two do not get along and you are not happy with each other... Is it important who's fault it is and who might have what sickness and what the reasons are? I did not get impression that you were madly in love with each other ever...

Don't get married. Buy her tickets to get home and make sure you restore everything for her back to pre-Phil days as much as you can. That would be a kind and reasonable thing to do.

Why would you want to get married and continue to hurt each other??? If you don't fit together, then you don't fit together.

I may agree with this.

[Phil N 4]

Phil, I did read your comments carefully. And I did make my comment based on what I read. Again, as I mentioned, I may be wrong. But please, read what I said: this is a new environment for her and she is insecure. I really do not think there is anything wrong with her. The fact that she wants to be with you and that she gets upset when you leave to be with your friends points towards her insecurity rather than her taking you for a ride.. You have to put yourself in her shoes: she is in a brand-new country, trying to adjust. Everything is alien to her here. You have your job, your friends.. She has NOTHING HERE !! Literally! Nothing that she claims to be hers.. NOw in a second you can turn around and send her back.. How secure can she feel? Basically, you are saying to her: "put up or leave".. She made a huge commitment (independently of her past financial situation) of coming here, changing her life drastically! You have to be patient and sensitive to it. The fact that she wants to get married ASAP only points towards this insecurity. She is not asking for money or expensive gifts. All she is asking for is a piece of security.. Marriage is one part of it. I am in no way a marriage specialist or pretend to know your situation. However, from what you wrote I say that she is insecure and you do only increase this sense rather than trying to make her more comfortable. If you feel that my advice is incorrect or assessment is incorrect you may ignore it. However, one thing if you are looking for advice where everyone is saying : "Oh! You are right, Phyl, and she is a b$$$tch" and another thing is if you are looking for objective assessment.

Your comments were thoughtful and helpful and I very much appreciate them. It was mainly the part suggesting I was relentlessly pressuring her for sex. Absolutely incorrect. I tested the sincerity of her earlier statements, and found they no longer apply. Sex and intimacy is an important barometer of the overall health of a relationship. But it's only *one* part. At no point did I say or convey "put (out) or leave". I simply didn't marry her on her timetable.

I do agree she is going through tremendous insecurity and adjustment and that I need to be sensitive to that.

The BPD diagnosis is looking more and more on-target. She manufactures fake disagreements in order to try to control the situation. Other posters have written privately sharing their experiences with BPD partners, and confirmed this, and other behaviors.

Believe it or not, it was never really about the sex. That simply pointed to other issues. So at this point, I'm pretty much done with the sex and intimacy angle, and I feel it has pointed me to the core issue, of her being a likely BPD sufferer.

Now I need to explore the potential BPD issues and see where that leads. Wish me luck...

[san diego 407]

Your comments were thoughtful and helpful and I very much appreciate them. It was mainly the part suggesting I was relentlessly pressuring her for sex. Absolutely incorrect. I tested the sincerity of her earlier statements, and found they no longer apply. Sex and intimacy is an important barometer of the overall health of a relationship. But it's only *one* part. At no point did I say or convey "put (out) or leave". I simply didn't marry her on her timetable.

I do agree she is going through tremendous insecurity and adjustment and that I need to be sensitive to that.

The BPD diagnosis is looking more and more on-target. She manufactures fake disagreements in order to try to control the situation. Other posters have written privately sharing their experiences with BPD partners, and confirmed this, and other behaviors.

Believe it or not, it was never really about the sex. That simply pointed to other issues. So at this point, I'm pretty much done with the sex and intimacy angle, and I feel it has pointed me to the core issue, of her being a likely BPD sufferer.

Now I need to explore the potential BPD issues and see where that leads. Wish me luck...

Good luck! But please be sensitive to insecurity. You cannot even imagine what it is!! I am 36 and I came to this country on a green card alone when I was 18. I cannot even explain the level of insecurity of a person coming to a new country.. You have to experience to feel it. I very well understand her, which has nothing to do with your behavior or her intentions. Just try to spend more time with her, try to take her for day trips around, try to have visitors, friends. If you can find Ukrainian/Russian people around - even better. Right now, I can assure you, she feels absolutely lonely. She does not even have friends to turn to. I believe in my heart, even if you forget BPD and focus on security, you will see magical turn-around.

[rika60607 215]

Good luck! I'd hope you are ready, willing and understand consequences of the commitment that you are considering to take...

....

Now I need to explore the potential BPD issues and see where that leads. Wish me luck...

[Phil N 4]

Good luck! I'd hope you are ready, willing and understand consequences of the commitment that you are considering to take...

Thank you Rika.

I remember your comments from way back. I believe you wrote in a post that when you first arrived, you treated your beloved man badly, and later regretted treating him that way. Those comments of yours are part of what gives me hope that this situation could turn out to have a happy ending.

I do try to be realistic and avoid unnecessary pain whenever possible.

So now I am trying to understand the commitment that would be needed, and if my life would be richer or not, and if the risk is too high.

Maybe by understanding her behavior through the lens of BPD, I won't be so easily wounded by insensitive things she does or says.

She did wind up with me because I was the only man she felt could deal with her emotions (All more sensible men ran for the hills, leaving only me??)

So, I knew I was getting a super-emotional girl. My bet was that the positive emotions "upside" would make the other parts worthwhile enough to cope with the occasional negative emotions "downside".

To be sure, there have been some wonderful times mixed in with the difficulties. I just haven't written about the wonderful times because they're not a difficulty I need help with. Maybe a few more weeks of helping her adjust and being sensitive will help put things into balance and result in happier ongoing relations, and a plan for coping with BPD issues.

Wish me luck and pray for me as I do my best to work through this.

[Tjl3909 0]

I read your story, and showed it to my UKR wife of 11 months. When she came she felt lonely, insecure, but it didn't make her act crazy. I know all people handle stress different but If I were in your shoes I would end it now. My UKR wife agrees as well. If the relationship is not good now, marriage will not fix it. I don't think she's in love with you, and just wanted to get over here. If that is true then maybe she feels guilty with her decision? Her making up reasons to fight to avoid a physical relationship is a huge red flag. Additionally, what happens after marriage? She probably knows the system and before you know it you can be up for domestic violence charges..Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you!

[TBoneTX 45,333]

People can bang their heads into walls, trying to turn sow's ears into silk purses. If the foundation isn't there, or even molecules thereof, trying to manufacture something is a hurtful waste of time and effort.

It speaks volumes that the OP is psychoanalyzing the woman he purportedly loves, and is assigning psychiatric conditions to her in a public forum.

[KLS2010 30]

Remember that TWO real and complicated people are involved, and three when you count her teenage daughter, and six when you count my existing young adult children.

Umm...no offense...but did you think about this when you decided to bring her and her daughter to the US after only having met in person for a total of what... three weeks?

I'm not trying to lay blame on either side. I don't know you or your fiancee. Maybe she has mental problems, maybe not. Maybe there's cultural differences causing conflict, maybe it has nothing to do with her culture.

Whatever the reasons, things are obviously not working very well. And they wont turn out well unless both of you start to BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER and MAKE AN EFFORT TOGETHER to work things out, if that is what you both really want.

I wish you both the best whatever you decide to do.

[Phil N 4]

I am certain my fiancee has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

She has been here just under two weeks. Her 15 year old daughter is also here with her.

She is from Ukraine, and is fluent in English, and worked as an interpreter. Language is not such a huge issue.

Culture is only part of the issue.

I am trying to decide if this is something I can manage (there is a lot of good with the bad)

To go ahead with marrying her, I would have to feel that she acknowledges the situation and is willing to do the work needed.

I want a happy life with her, not a rollercoaster life of insanity.

I know I am very ignorant about this. A few quick questions...

1) What resources do people suggest for learning more about BPD?

2) How to discuss this with her and see what her readiness is to confront the issues?

3) How can I make sure she is sincere, vs. putting on a temporary act to get what she wants?

4) How can I conduct myself in the best way to help her improve? What practical tips, do-and-do-not, should I be aware of?

5) How can I protect myself from having my life destroyed if I do marry her and things start spiraling out of control in a bad way?

My sense is that she is not using me for GC and leave, but rather is looking for security for her and her daughter.

My main concern is not having my life and happiness destroyed and being able to walk away reasonably whole if things start to go intolerably badly.

I appreciate all posts, and please try to keep them helpful. The reality of the situation is that it is too complicated for snap judgments.

She would be considered a high-functioning borderline.

Mostly the issues involve mood swings and controlling behavior by her.

I have bolded some of the characteristics below I have experienced.

--------------------

Control Issues

Borderlines may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, they may be trying to make their own world more predictable and manageable. People with BPD may unconsciously try to control others by putting them in no-win situations, creating chaos that no one else can figure out, or accusing others of trying to control them. Conversely, some people with BPD may cope with feeling out of control by giving up their own power; for example, they may choose a lifestyle where all choices are made for them, such as the military or a cult, or they may align themselves with abusive people who try to control them through fear. Non-BPs share this characteristic.

Situational Competence

Some people with BPD are competent and in control in some situations. For example, many perform very well at work and are high achievers. Many are very intelligent, creative, and artistic. This can be very confusing for family members who don't understand why the person can act so assuredly in one situation and fall apart in another.

High Functioning vs. Low Functioning

High-functioning borderlines act perfectly normal most of the time. Successful, outgoing, and well-liked, they may show their other side only to people they know very well. Although these borderlines may feel the same way inside as their less-functional counterparts, they have covered it up very well-so well, in fact, that they may be strangers unto themselves.

Non-borderlines involved with this type of BP need to have their perceptions and feelings confirmed. Friends and family members who don't know the borderline as well may not believe stories of rage and verbal abuse. Many non-BPs told us that even their therapists refused to believe them when they described the BP's out-of-control behavior.

-----------------------

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER INDICATORS

Is someone you care about causing you a great deal of pain?

Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you're afraid of the other person's reaction or because it just doesn't seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will follow?

Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you? Are you blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship-even when it makes no logical sense?

Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving? Does no one believe you when you explain that this is going on?

Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or even lied to sometimes? Do you feel like you're the victim of emotional blackmail?

Do you feel like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between? Is there sometimes no rational reason for the switch?

Are you afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told that you're too demanding or that there is something wrong with you? Are you told that your needs are not important?

Is the person always denigrating or denying your point of view? Do you feel that their expectations of you are constantly changing, so you can never do anything right?

Are you accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said? Do you feel misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain do you find that the other person doesn't believe you?

Are you constantly being put down? When you try to leave the relationship does the other person try to prevent you from leaving in a variety of ways (anything from declarations of love and promises to change to implicit or explicit threats)?

Do you have a hard time planning anything (social engagements, etc.) because of the other person's moodiness, impulsiveness, or unpredictability? Do you make excuses for their behavior or try to convince yourself that everything is okay?

Right now, are you thinking, "I had no idea that anyone else was going through this?"

Thoughts that may indicate BPD

Does this person:

* Alternate between seeing people as either flawless or evil? Have difficulty remembering the good things about a person they're casting in the role of villain?

* Find it impossible to recall anything negative about this person when they become the hero?

* Alternate between seeing others as completely for them or against them?

* Alternate between seeing situations as either disastrous or ideal?

* Alternate between seeing themselves as either worthless or flawless?

* Have a hard time recalling someone's love for them when they're not around?

* Believe that others are either completely right or totally wrong?

* Change their opinions depending upon who they're with?

* Alternate between idealizing people and devaluing them?

* Remember situations very differently than other people, or find themselves unable to recall them at all?

* Believe that others are responsible for their actions-or take too much responsibility for the actions of others?

* Seem unwilling to admit to a mistake-or feel that everything that they do is a mistake?

* Base their beliefs on feelings rather than facts?

* Not realize the effects of their behavior on others?

Feelings that may indicate BPD

Does this person:

* Feel abandoned at the slightest provocation?

* Have extreme moodiness that cycles very quickly (in minutes or hours)?

* Have difficulty managing their emotions?

* Feel emotions so intensely that it's difficult to put others' needs-even those of their own children-ahead of their own?

* Feel distrustful and suspicious a great deal of the time?

* Feel anxious or irritable a great deal of the time?

* Feel empty or like they have no self a great deal of the time?

* Feel ignored when they are not the focus of attention?

* Express anger inappropriately or have difficulty expressing anger at all?

* Feel that they never can get enough love, affection, or attention?

* Frequently feel spacey, unreal, or out of it?

Behaviors that may indicate BPD

Does this person:

* Have trouble observing others' personal limits?

* Have trouble defining their own personal limits?

* Act impulsively in ways that are potentially self-damaging, such as spending too much, engaging in dangerous sex, fighting, gambling, abusing drugs or alcohol, reckless driving, shoplifting, or disordered eating? (SMOKING)

* Mutilate themselves-for example, purposely cutting or burning their skin?

* Threaten to kill themselves-or make actual suicide attempts?

* Rush into relationships based on idealized fantasies of what they would like the other person or the relationship to be?

* Change their expectations in such a way that the other person feels they can never do anything right?

* Have frightening, unpredictable rages that make no logical sense-or have trouble expressing anger at all?

* Physically abuse others, such as slapping, kicking, and scratching them?

* Needlessly create crises or live a chaotic lifestyle?

* Act inconsistently or unpredictably?

* Alternately want to be close to others, then distance themselves?

(Examples include picking fights when things are going well or alternately ending relationships and then trying to get back together.)

* Cut people out of their life over issues that seem trivial or overblown?

* Act competent and controlled in some situations but extremely out of control in others?

* Verbally abuse others, criticizing and blaming them to the point where it feels brutal?

* Act verbally abusive toward people they know very well, while putting on a charming front for others? Can they switch from one mode to the other in seconds?

* Act in what seems like extreme or controlling ways to get their own needs met?

* Do or say something inappropriate to focus the attention on them when they feel ignored?

* Accuse others of doing things they did not do, having feelings they do not feel, or believing things they do not believe?