Has this story ever turned out well for American man and Russian woman?

[Phil N 4]

UPDATE:

I got the protection order last Thursday, and had it served that evening. I booked two days in a hotel for her and her daughter. I was going to put them up for 5 more nights in a different hotel, one close to a grocery store, and give her a prepaid gift card for the grocery store, to make sure they had food to eat. After 5 days, her friend who was on vacation would be back, and had earlier indicated he would take them in at his house. He is married to my ex-fiancee's best friend. My ex-fiancee was their interpreter when this man visited his wife-to-be in her country.

On Saturday, I made arrangements for the move. My ex-fiancee could not be reached by phone, by knock on door by hotel staff, or any other means, to make the transfer happen. When I stopped at the hotel, to get her moved to the new one, the vibe from the front desk was that they had "gotten a call" from someone who was taking care of her, and that I was to be treated like a stalker and given no information. I assumed it was her friend, calling and taking over arrangements for her, while he was on vacation.

Well, today I got an email from him, saying:

"Wasn't me, I've been camping in (east coast state) with (his wife's) family, just got

back home last night after midnight!

I forgot to bring my cell phone charger, it has been with dead batteries for

almost a week now, still have not unpacked.

Let me know what is going on."

I replied:

"Well, now you know as much as me. I just assumed it was you. So apparently (my ex-fiancee) has someone else looking out for her.

She mentioned that she had also communicated with a guy in Vancouver B.C., but that I won the great (x-fiancee) sweepstakes because I wrote to her almost every day, while he wrote to her only once every week or two. So maybe it's him. Or some other guy she kept on a string, at the ready to step in. Or maybe it's her Russian mafia connections--joking (I think, I hope). Or maybe her wealthy friend Irina from Ukraine. Or maybe she just picked up a random guy at a truck stop, or an Internet dating site, rocked his world, and he's in the palm of her hands now. I can only guess..."

So, I have no idea what (my ex-fiancee) has up her sleeve next. She is a woman of many surprises. I can tell you that I saw a whole different woman than the one you think you know. I wish her the best."

So, she is still in this country, being taken care of by someone else, and her best friends have no idea where she is or what she's up to.

One friend expressed the opinion that I was probably one of several men that she was using, and that she had found another one to step in, now the primary gravy train (me) had dried up. Do people think this is the most like case? Or maybe someone at the hotel heard her side of the story, called the hotel owner, and decided to take over arrangements for her. Interestingly, I actually know the owner of that hotel, and let's just say he has numerous Narcissist traits; my ex-wife worked for his right-hand man for several years, and this man was always getting screamed at by the owner, according to her, but he also had a very generous, buy-people's-affection side to him as well, with lavish company parties, to balance out the screaming and berating behaviors.

I'm trying to take responsibility for her and her daughter, but she has gone "off the grid".

What do people on VJ make of this? Another man stepping in to rescue, or the hotel owner, or Russian mafia connection now plotting my execution, or she decided to go to a women's shelter so I wouldn't know where she was, or...??

P.S. I believe she still has the keys to my house. I am changing the locks tonight.

[JoannaV 174]

edited.

Edited August 19, 2011 by JoannaV

[Dan and Judy 614]

Sorry Phil, that was us.

we could not stand the thought of letting her go, the fantasy of being bribed by sex was too much for us. Ha!!! we even let her drive. We gave the daughter 2 big bags of chips and a big gulp.

We was willing to share her with you but she says you are yesterdays news. She says Adios. dont you think thats cute of her to say Adios Ha its not like she is mexican or something.

She did say she might consider doing a little hanky panky again If you are ready to get serious about this wedding thing. It is not too late, you can drop the protective order and post on this

thread that you have come to your senses. and we will bring her back only slightly worse for the wear and tear. (we are huge)

She has made it clear that she will not tolerate any more of your #######. She has decided that you are sumacepshe and she wants you to get treated for it. I dont know what it is or how to spell it but we love it when she speaks russian to us. We do hope that whatever it is we don't catch it.

Just remember Phil until you are married she will only speak russian to us

[TBoneTX 45,361]

What do people on VJ make of this?

Just change the locks ASAP, si man -- avoid any delay. Also, aggregate any of her & her daughter's leftover possessions and keep them intact in one place. Finally, consider changing any accounts or passwords of yours that she may have gotten wind of, si man.

[nane1104 146]

If she knew a little about her immigration status here, she would know that she can only remain in the US legally if she married you. No other guy can help her with that without her going back to her homecountry at least for a while.

I am assuming she is planning on staying here illegally and if that's the case, she is not your problem anymore.

But- prepare to hear from her again.

In the meantime...TBoneTX gave excellent advice on what to do next.

Good luck.

[cdneh 3,112]

None of that matters. Who she went with and where she is. Change the locks. Move on.

[Darnell 8,478]

Hey Phil - just checking in - IMO - you've got a good handle on this stuff, now-ish.

[rlogan 2,036]

You asked if we see a pattern Phil and yea, I do. I missed the part about the ex-girlfriend and the psycho fiance in the same house, and other drama, but seeing that now I recognize the pattern, yea. Each move of the drama llama is explained as the most rational thing to do and you need to know how one operates to recognize it because they're slick.

When you are bringing the ex-girfriend into the house with the crazy, violent fiance we get softened up with how she has become the dream woman and logically of course she belongs with you. Nobody could disagree with that given the evidence that has been submitted, which is controlled by you. All of us do this, at least to some degree - we choose which information to provide, or word it in such a way that our audience is led to conclude it is bad luck that brings us this conveyor belt of drama. Look at the decisions we made - normal people would make all the same decisions. But there is a reason drama follows some people around and others have stable, even boring lives.

You see this guy playing with matches in the dynamite factory, and he has a rational explanation for it. Oh, don't mind me with these matches because I need the light to see what I am doing so none of this dynamite goes off. I mean the top reason for murder is mixing competing sexual partners, green card or other financial/power motive, and drugs which is in this case alcohol. Hey! You hit all three top reasons simultaneously! No wait it is four because next after that is mental illness. How can this go wrong?

You have more than one victim of abusive people you have attracted. Well sure, lightning always strikes twice in the same place - if you are a lightning rod. Of course you have to finish getting rid of this leper. But that isn't going to fix you. What is it about you that attracts you to these drama cases. I learned there was a kind of frankenstein woman attracted to me that could recognize me at a distance, and set me up for ambush before I knew what was going on. There were things they did to me that should have been signals to run, run, run - but they were familiar to me from having experienced them in childhood, and I actually smiled to myself because it felt familiar. A person can actually find comfort in something the rest of us would not submit to. My mother or father does this to me, or this is the kind of thing I grew up with, so I am actually uncomfortable around normal people. I am not saying you are clinical. There is a pattern here though yea.

All in good spirit. One tip: It is cheaper and more honest to hire a couple of hookers for the night and have them fight over you. Then do the threesome. They'll do whatever you want and no manipulation is involved, all above-board and fully compensated. The nice thing about that is when it's over there's no baggage. Nobody trying to kill you, or places you have to avoid going etc.

[Phil N 4]

You asked if we see a pattern Phil and yea, I do. I missed the part about the ex-girlfriend and the psycho fiance in the same house, and other drama, but seeing that now I recognize the pattern, yea. Each move of the drama llama is explained as the most rational thing to do and you need to know how one operates to recognize it because they're slick.

When you are bringing the ex-girfriend into the house with the crazy, violent fiance we get softened up with how she has become the dream woman and logically of course she belongs with you. Nobody could disagree with that given the evidence that has been submitted, which is controlled by you. All of us do this, at least to some degree - we choose which information to provide, or word it in such a way that our audience is led to conclude it is bad luck that brings us this conveyor belt of drama. Look at the decisions we made - normal people would make all the same decisions. But there is a reason drama follows some people around and others have stable, even boring lives.

You see this guy playing with matches in the dynamite factory, and he has a rational explanation for it. Oh, don't mind me with these matches because I need the light to see what I am doing so none of this dynamite goes off. I mean the top reason for murder is mixing competing sexual partners, green card or other financial/power motive, and drugs which is in this case alcohol. Hey! You hit all three top reasons simultaneously! No wait it is four because next after that is mental illness. How can this go wrong?

You have more than one victim of abusive people you have attracted. Well sure, lightning always strikes twice in the same place - if you are a lightning rod. Of course you have to finish getting rid of this leper. But that isn't going to fix you. What is it about you that attracts you to these drama cases. I learned there was a kind of frankenstein woman attracted to me that could recognize me at a distance, and set me up for ambush before I knew what was going on. There were things they did to me that should have been signals to run, run, run - but they were familiar to me from having experienced them in childhood, and I actually smiled to myself because it felt familiar. A person can actually find comfort in something the rest of us would not submit to. My mother or father does this to me, or this is the kind of thing I grew up with, so I am actually uncomfortable around normal people. I am not saying you are clinical. There is a pattern here though yea.

All in good spirit. One tip: It is cheaper and more honest to hire a couple of hookers for the night and have them fight over you. Then do the threesome. They'll do whatever you want and no manipulation is involved, all above-board and fully compensated. The nice thing about that is when it's over there's no baggage. Nobody trying to kill you, or places you have to avoid going etc.

The re-girlfriend was only at the same house as my ex-fiancee the night before I went and got the protection order. Since my ex-fiancee wasn't getting up until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, they didn't cross paths the next morning. The girlfriend was my moral support in getting me to family court and following through on getting the protection order. Without her, I probably wouldn't have gotten it done. Bringing her in was the "nuclear option". I knew if/when I brought the girlfriend to the house, that was my way of saying the engagement was 100% over.

Yes, I was playing with matches in the dynamite factory. I decided I was going to roll the dice and bring this woman, my ex-fiancee over here. In hindsight, my mistakes are obvious. I was guilty of assuming I would fully win her over once she got here. I was guilty of believing her when she insisted she would be just a normal calm woman in the USA, without the stress of simply surviving in her country. I was guilty of giving her too much undeserved credit for her capabilities, and of not seeing the nature of the underlying issue (BPD), while making excuses for her behavior. I was guilty of listening to her American friend (she was his interpreter when he met his wife), who tried to explain away all her issues as cultural differences. She didn't show him her real BPD side. That is reserved for only her closest people. The truth is, it was his influence that is probably singularly responsible for me sticking with the process during the many difficult times and bringing her over here. There have been at least half a dozen times, especially during my two visits, when I was ready to bail and he talked me into sticking it out. He didn't intend to mislead me, but he didn't know the BPD side of her. When I look back at my notes from the two trips, it is all so obvious that BPD is what I was dealing with. A new experience for me... as they say, good judgment comes from experience... experience comes from mistakes and scars and pain.

Also, I felt I would be getting another awesome daughter; I have two amazing, talented, beautiful young adult daughters. Both will graduate from college next Spring. Her daughter is a great kid, and for a man there's no such thing as having too many daughters who love you.

Hell, I don't need to hire hookers, I can do just fine with regular women, and if anything, they should pay me. But, your argument makes sense from a purely numerical standpoint. I spent around $14,000 visiting her twice, doing the K-1 process and bringing her here. That would work out to about $1,000 per playtime. Certainly less potential for baggage, as you suggest, but not without its risks I'm sure.

I don't normally attract crazy women, and in the USA I'd recognize it and ditch the witch in a hurry. But mix in all the other stuff, cultural and language differences, the appeal of the exotic, etc. and it's a little trickier. I plead guilty to sticking things out with my ex-fiancee, wanting to see how things could turn out, hoping they would turn out amazingly well. About 3 years ago, I had a young 30-something American gal try to play me; unknown to me, she was a few weeks pregnant when she seduced me, and then she tried to pass her pregnancy off as my child, and played little games with me, claimed she loved me, etc., while displaying other erratic behavior. Then it turned out the baby had spina bifida. Well, an ex-girlfriend helped me add up the weeks, and knew the timing of the tests, and told me there was no way I was the father, since the spina bifida test wouldn't be meaningful until week 12, and it was only week 6 if I was the father. By that point, I'd already told the other gal we wouldn't be a couple, but maybe we could be friends and do a good job parenting together. After I questioned her on the timing, I never heard from her again. It was easier for me to be certain about psycho behavior without language/culture differences confusing the issue.

[rlogan 2,036]

It was easier for me to be certain about psycho behavior without language/culture differences confusing the issue.

This can have an element of truth to it, but it is also one of just many excuses the naiive are willing to accept without cause. We always give the benefit of the doubt, even when we walk in the bedroom with them on top of their boyfriend. We just need an excuse supplied to us. So it's her culture.

About 3 years ago, I had a young 30-something American gal try to play me; unknown to me, she was a few weeks pregnant when she seduced me, and then she tried to pass her pregnancy off as my child, and played little games with me, claimed she loved me, etc., while displaying other erratic behavior. Then it turned out the baby had spina bifida.

Here again, the vast majority of people go their whole lives without someone committing paternity fraud on them with a leper child. This is soap opera drama material, not normal life. Not a big deal, I did not lead a normal life - not even close. But we have to know ourselves. Why did this hunter-killer unit zero in on you? Because hunter-killer units have radar operating 24/7 to detect people like you. Once they do, it is like a lion spotting a zebra.

There is no deep insight here. People are attracted to "their kind of people": the kind of people they want to be around. So you see sports nuts at sports bars, the band geeks doing their thing together, etc. These psycho hunter-killer manipulator units are looking for the naiive, happy-go lucky, gullible fellow who gives the benefit of the doubt no matter how outrageous their behavior is.

Your "filter" is broken or nonexistent. Some relationship advisors say to have this list of "dealbreakers" so you aren't such a retard about who you allow into your life to waste your scarce time. Things they absolutely must have, or things they absolutely must not have.

I have been this outdoor maniac, so all the hunter-killer psycho units would tell me how much they loved the out-of-doors, fishing, camping, etc. "All my life I wanted to live in a cabin in the woods..." My filter was whether they actually did anything amenable to cabin life with a wood stove as opposed to being a townie in high heels just weaving B.S. to manipulate me. You can make all the excuses you want for them and in the end the mistake was not filtering them out in the beginning because they had a dealbreaker.

There are some really important dealbreakers you just cannot make excuses for. If they lie, they're out. If they have this big drama going on through no fault of their own, that is a person who is going to have drama for the rest of their life through "no fault of their own". So you write down on paper: No drama. You would be amazed how that simplifies your life.

I guarantee that with this psycho hunter-killer unit that pulled paternity fraud with the leper child on you - there were red flags you ignored on the way in. As a matter of fact you told yourself that it showed your conscientiousness, your empathy, your understanding for giving her a chance despite seeing her morph into a reptile or have mirrors shatter when she looked in them. I did the same thing with people and had to learn over and over again that there are a lot of bad people who will hurt me because of it.

Edited August 23, 2011 by rlogan

[Phil N 4]

This can have an element of truth to it, but it is also one of just many excuses the naiive are willing to accept without cause. We always give the benefit of the doubt, even when we walk in the bedroom with them on top of their boyfriend. We just need an excuse supplied to us. So it's her culture.

Here again, the vast majority of people go their whole lives without someone committing paternity fraud on them with a leper child. This is soap opera drama material, not normal life. Not a big deal, I did not lead a normal life - not even close. But we have to know ourselves. Why did this hunter-killer unit zero in on you? Because hunter-killer units have radar operating 24/7 to detect people like you. Once they do, it is like a lion spotting a zebra.

There is no deep insight here. People are attracted to "their kind of people": the kind of people they want to be around. So you see sports nuts at sports bars, the band geeks doing their thing together, etc. These psycho hunter-killer manipulator units are looking for the naiive, happy-go lucky, gullible fellow who gives the benefit of the doubt no matter how outrageous their behavior is.

Your "filter" is broken or nonexistent. Some relationship advisors say to have this list of "dealbreakers" so you aren't such a retard about who you allow into your life to waste your scarce time. Things they absolutely must have, or things they absolutely must not have.

I have been this outdoor maniac, so all the hunter-killer psycho units would tell me how much they loved the out-of-doors, fishing, camping, etc. "All my life I wanted to live in a cabin in the woods..." My filter was whether they actually did anything amenable to cabin life with a wood stove as opposed to being a townie in high heels just weaving B.S. to manipulate me. You can make all the excuses you want for them and in the end the mistake was not filtering them out in the beginning because they had a dealbreaker.

There are some really important dealbreakers you just cannot make excuses for. If they lie, they're out. If they have this big drama going on through no fault of their own, that is a person who is going to have drama for the rest of their life through "no fault of their own". So you write down on paper: No drama. You would be amazed how that simplifies your life.

I guarantee that with this psycho hunter-killer unit that pulled paternity fraud with the leper child on you - there were red flags you ignored on the way in. As a matter of fact you told yourself that it showed your conscientiousness, your empathy, your understanding for giving her a chance despite seeing her morph into a reptile or have mirrors shatter when she looked in them. I did the same thing with people and had to learn over and over again that there are a lot of bad people who will hurt me because of it.

Wow, this is out of control with the projection and attempted analysis. But, I appreciate your intentions.

If I recall correctly, these women are 0-for-2 in getting me locked up in a long-term commitment. Yes, one cost me a good chunk of money, but a small amount in the grand scheme of things. And I don't regret the fling with the paternity fraud gal. It was fun for the couple weeks the "relationship" lasted. Then she went partly AWOL for the next 2-3 weeks, and I didn't put anything on hold for her while she tried to play her games. Then I called BS on her fraud attempt and that was the end of that; she suddenly "lost the baby". The interesting thing... This gal made plenty of money and owned her own house, nicer than mine at the time. So she picked me as the one to try to dupe apparently because she wanted me as a father influence in the child's life. Actually, almost flattering.

My story is that I have great, loving wonderful people in my life who care about me, and these are people I have attracted into my life. And these were people who helped me avoid getting sucked in by women who wanted to manipulate me. So I have the one ex-girlfriend (who now rents from me) that helped me avoid the paternity fraud, plus the re-girlfriend who loved me and wanted me and stuck with me and helped pull me back out from the BPD near-disaster. I also have another dear friend who was in a 7-year relationship with a BPD who sucked his soul out of him, and he helped me tremendously too. As he said near the end when I was wavering, "I've lived that 7 years with a BPD, so now you don't have to." Meaning he could give me the Cliff's Notes version and save me the trouble of getting into a long-term relationship, by sharing his experience and letting me know what to expect.

You are correct about a lot of things though. You are right about me overlooking the lies (in her profile, she lies about smoking, drinking, and fudges her height and weight) and she lied to me about other little things too. My BPD gal got this far with massive, massive help from her American friend (and I consider him my friend) who sang the praises of this misunderstood girl, and insisted I should chalk all her strange behavior up to cultural differences and her stressful and difficult environment, and we just needed to understand each other better. Now I've had my first experience at recognizing what personality disorders look like in an intimate relationship. Now that I know how the next chapters of a BPD/NPD/other story turn out, and I know how to recognize the signs, I don't need to go any further than the first chapter in the future. I admit to liking to have a certain amount of adventure in my life, and being willing to defy conventional wisdom sometimes, willing to take calculated risks if the potential returns are high enough. Sometimes the risks pan out, and sometimes they don't. Certainly, I spent WAY too much life energy on this woman. If I had chosen better and heeded red flags earlier, it would have saved everyone a lot of grief. Now I know that most red flags are independent of cultural differences.

Some of my dealbreakers were:

1) Attempting to use rationing of sex and intimacy to try to control a partner

2) Behaving in ways towards me that I found extremely disrespectful

3) Having double standards for herself vs others

plus, for this international relationship:

4) Never making the adjustment to functioning on USA time

It was the first dealbreaker that triggered me to start this thread.

You are correct, the hunter-killer units are out there, hunting for vulnerable targets. I don't see anything wrong with having some fun with them, as long as you recognize them for what they are, and don't do my mistake of trying to project them into being something they're not. Maybe I'm guilty of sometimes coming across as a nice, accommodating guy who can be manipulated and shamelessly taken advantage of. I'm working on developing my ####### side more. I think getting a protection order and getting the ex-fiancee escorted out of my house by law enforcement showed there's hope for me yet on the ####### side of things.

Actually, I went back and counted my criteria for a long-term partner. There are 44 yes-no questions on it. You're right, my filter (for women to avoid) is broken or nonexistent; after all, I should have at least 50 items, and my criteria list only has 44. Anyway, for my ex-fiance, I can answer "yes" to 26 out of 44. For the re-girlfriend, it's 40 out of 44. So I might be a fool to kick that one out of my life again. My favorite kind of messed-up woman is the talented, energetic, loving codependent who dotes on my every need and thinks constantly about how she can make things better for me and take care of me. That's her, my re-girlfriend. I think it's my emerging ####### side that she really loves, and I just mix in enough nice guy to keep it unpredictable and interesting. She's sure she can fix me.

On a positive note, my 20 year old daughter plays college soccer and has been complaining about her weird coach for 3 years now. I recognized some elements of his behavior as similar to BPD behavior. No, I am not "diagnosing" this man!! Asthenia and Nene and everyone else, stop wagging those fingers NOW!! just saying he shows some elements... Given that, I was able to suggest to my daughter some strategies for communicating better with her coach, and for keeping her own focus and not getting distracted by his behavior. Now when he "projects", she'll can recognize what is happening, and have some tools for dealing with it. She will know NOT to get into a "logical" argument with him, over whose version of reality is correct, that's for sure! So there have been some good things that came out of this.

Edited August 24, 2011 by Phil N

[TBoneTX 45,361]

Keep us apprised of further news regarding the ex-fiancee, man.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I just finished reading this and all I still can't believe it. :wow: Phil, I just don't know what to say. Do keep us updated.

Keep us apprised of further news regarding the ex-fiancee, man.

:yes: Suddenly I remember why I'm single.

Edited August 24, 2011 by IR5FORMUMSIE

[Fandango 1,439]

I have never understood the need for a Tarzan-swinging-through-the-jungle mentality when it comes to love....not truly letting go of one before firmly grabbing hold of another. Get it together, man.

[rlogan 2,036]

First things first Phil. Let's do this one, which is supposed to be one of your "dealbreakers":

1) Attempting to use rationing of sex and intimacy to try to control a partner

The truth is you ignored this, and a lot of other ones, and waited until she jeapordized your life, according to your accounting. The definition of a dealbreaker is that before you get all emotionally invested in someone, if they break a dealbreaker you LEAVE. Not after the thousandth time - the FIRST time. People have to be on their best foot with you when they meet you for the purpose of marriage introduction. This is not a vendor selling you peanuts. Who cares if he lies to you.

Lying is a dealbreaker with me. But look at what you did here with it:

You are right about me overlooking the lies (in her profile, she lies about smoking, drinking, and fudges her height and weight) and she lied to me about other little things too.

This was not just one lie or two or three. Half a dozen at a minimum mentioned right here, and it will have been more than that. Threfore lying is not a dealbreaker to you. Finally, finally after decades of wrong-headed thinking I was capable of walking away from scorching hot 18 year olds if they lied to me or did anything else on my list, which is pretty short. I used to be like you where I forgave them again and again: "Oh, she is only lying because of this or that..."

You are correct, the hunter-killer units are out there, hunting for vulnerable targets. I don't see anything wrong with having some fun with them, as long as you recognize them for what they are, and don't do my mistake of trying to project them into being something they're not.

You don't see anything wrong with having some fun with them. The Psycho hunter-killer paternity fraud girl was fun. The current girl was fun. The ones your friends protected you from because you're filter is broken - those were fun too. So much fun in one lifetime. The problem is that by wasting your time with these basket cases you have missed the opportunity with someone decent. That's why you have dealbreakers that actually are dealbreakers, and they are up front from the moment you meet them.

This is zeroing in on the problem right here. It is not them. It is you. We have proven beyond any doubt that you do not have a filter for lying and other malicious behavior and that you think of reptilian lizard-people as "fun". I have tried explaining this to you already but this is generally something that goes way back into your childhood experiences. I am not some loner here saying you have a problem and everyone else says you are perfectly normal. Most people would never have gotten involved with her because they are capable of seeing actions instead of listening to words.

My story is that I have great, loving wonderful people in my life who care about me, and these are people I have attracted into my life. And these were people who helped me avoid getting sucked in by women who wanted to manipulate me.

You keep telling me about all these problems with getting sucked in by manipulative women. Apparently, you think this is perfectly normal. It isn't. Who else needs friends to protect them from manipulative people? There are some other signs here too that are classic:

Actually, I went back and counted my criteria for a long-term partner. There are 44 yes-no questions on it. You're right, my filter (for women to avoid) is broken or nonexistent; after all, I should have at least 50 items, and my criteria list only has 44. Anyway, for my ex-fiance, I can answer "yes" to 26 out of 44. For the re-girlfriend, it's 40 out of 44.

Having 44 items on a list of alleged "dealbreakers" that you don't follow anyway is more a sign of some kind of obsessive behavior than it is a sign of normalcy. It doesn't mean you are sick. It is a weakness and it needs to be fixed.

My favorite kind of messed-up woman is the talented, energetic, loving codependent who dotes on my every need and thinks constantly about how she can make things better for me and take care of me. That's her, my re-girlfriend. I think it's my emerging ####### side that she really loves, and I just mix in enough nice guy to keep it unpredictable and interesting. She's sure she can fix me.

Someone else mentioned the problem of latching on to one girl before you have even left the last. Like I said before, this former reject is now the perfect girl - it is all so rational, following the 44-point plan rigorously to the letter. Actually, what you are very good at is rationalizing. That is why we must have dealbreakers that actually mean something: so that we don't rationalize away with our weenie doing the thinking.

You see a lot of people coming in here with one-line dismissals, like the last: "get it together". For them, it is amazing someone could be so blind. This is easy for normal people. When they see a lizard person, they immediately run. You say "oh this looks like fun". That is EXACTLY the thing you need to change. Instead of being attracted to it you need to be repulsed by it in the same way an alcoholic needs to be repulsed by alcohol even though being drunk is "fun".