What did I do wrong?

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

maybe she is just having one of these moments...before the period, one can be really upset and angry and irritable for novalid reason...just keep bein supportive and things will get better

1. Did a woman or man write this post?

2. Can that be found on a t-shirt or successory?

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

Let me be real here on some things.

We need more information from the OP. If you do not understand the Filipino culture, do not judge the culture or how the culture is run. We have some edumacated I-D-10-t-s on this thread. The big thing here is the culture. their culture is influenced by the tribal customs and the catholic church. And where the two overlap and are the same, the tribal customs have been continued.

By some surveys, only about 20% of Fil/Am marriage fail, compared to 50%-75% divorce rate for the common US/US marriage.-- http://www.jaderune....0Filipinas.html

Very common myth repeated all over the place due to people really not understanding how statistics work and extrapolating from predictions made in the late 1970's and not realizing that the divorce rate topped out in 1980.

New york Times: Divorce Rate: It's Not as High as You Think

I am sure we can all read the article, see the stats, and still make it fit into our own personal belief systems.

Apologies to the OP for the off-topic post.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Let me be real here on some things.

We need more information from the OP. If you do not understand the Filipino culture, do not judge the culture or how the culture is run. We have some edumacated I-D-10-t-s on this thread. The big thing here is the culture. their culture is influenced by the tribal customs and the catholic church. And where the two overlap and are the same, the tribal customs have been continued.

By some surveys, only about 20% of Fil/Am marriage fail, compared to 50%-75% divorce rate for the common US/US marriage.-- http://www.jaderune.com/Why%20Filipinas.html

I still stand by my original post. Get the book the 5 love languages and learn the languages and each other. then listen to her, and work with her. If you put a stone in middle of a circle. Then ask each person to describe the same exact stone from where they are sitting. You will get a different description from each person. If you learn to appreciate the differences form the other person, you learn more about the stone and their thought processes. If you choose to argue and maintain your point of view, you lose out on the vastness of God's creation. this is the same in marriage. It is a marriage, but because of cultural influences, you will get a different description.

Too warm fuzzy, touchy-feely for me. Get out the plastic sheets, rubber toys, and Crisco. Nobody leaves the room until everybody is satisfied.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

maybe she is just having one of these moments...before the period, one can be really upset and angry and irritable for novalid reason...just keep bein supportive and things will get better

Hormone imbalance? Insensitive husband?

I don't think so. You can't tame passion.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Let me be real here on some things.

We need more information from the OP. If you do not understand the Filipino culture, do not judge the culture or how the culture is run. We have some edumacated I-D-10-t-s on this thread. The big thing here is the culture. their culture is influenced by the tribal customs and the catholic church. And where the two overlap and are the same, the tribal customs have been continued.

By some surveys, only about 20% of Fil/Am marriage fail, compared to 50%-75% divorce rate for the common US/US marriage.-- http://www.jaderune.com/Why%20Filipinas.html

I still stand by my original post. Get the book the 5 love languages and learn the languages and each other. then listen to her, and work with her. If you put a stone in middle of a circle. Then ask each person to describe the same exact stone from where they are sitting. You will get a different description from each person. If you learn to appreciate the differences form the other person, you learn more about the stone and their thought processes. If you choose to argue and maintain your point of view, you lose out on the vastness of God's creation. this is the same in marriage. It is a marriage, but because of cultural influences, you will get a different description.

Darren, have you been involved with a Filipino woman before?

Because unless you have, I'm unsure how you got to be such an expert in their culture in - 8 months?

[markelsa71 4]

A little back story on this one. Charry at a young age had a leg injury that did not heal properly resulting in an gastrocnemius equinus contracture. Basically she could not place one of her feet flat on the ground. Once she found out that this could be corrected through surgery she wanted to have it.

Me being the typical husband and wanting everything for my family, currently consisting of just the 2 of us, I found out if it was covered by our insurance and we scheduled the operation. The surgery took place last week, and while not a 100% success the result was favorable.

I work in technical support and as such take phone calls as a part of my job. I am currently working from home to help her as she should not be moving around much for the first week and a half, and she is on crutches, so she can't carry much of anything.

Everything was going fine until yesterday. She had a friend come over, not a problem. I took my lunch break and made lunch for us and her friend brought over some food too. We had a nice lunch, and then I went back to work.

She and her friend were chatting in the other room using their, I'm sitting across from you but I have to scream at you, voices, when a call came in that I had to take. I politely asked her if they could go into the next room over or keep their voices down. A few mins later, still on the same call and having trouble hearing the customer because they apparently didn't listen to me, I asked again. About an hour later after getting off the call I found out why it had gotten quiet, she kicked her friend out.

She is now mad at me saying she wants to leave me because I was rude. She says she wants to leave me saying that she doesn't love me anymore.

She is now trying to do everything for herself and is fighting me over it. If I try to help her she throwsthings around the house, mostly water bottles, but also 2 3-5 lb dumbells, her laptop, at least 1 of the 2 month old kittens, though that was more gently and with a "wee" sound on her part, and other assorted items. She has threatened to break the new AC, hit me with her crutches, a full on swing not anything accidental. She also hit her computer with the crutches too trying to make me mad or something. All that ended up doing was making her more upset when the laptop stopped working.

Without my knowledge, she has taken a bath by herself, the bath part is fine, its the getting in and out of the tub on her own that is dangerous. She somehow cooked her lunch and got a plate and food over to the kitchen table. She has not done it safely however as she burnt herself with hot water while cooking.

She has even snuck out twice taking the car, her driving foot is fine. In the process her wrappings are now coming undone, whether that's from her putting on pants she should not be wearing with her foot wrapped, or just from all the activity she is doing. She has also hurt her leg, but won't tell me what is wrong, take any of the pain medication, or let me take her to the hospital.

What did I do wrong? How can I fix this? And how can I get her to let me help her?

you are such a very patient..but i hope everythings gonna be fine! but let me tell you that once you are told that she doesn't love you anymore is a different story...how could she do that! don't stay in the situation when you think you are being abused and punished!

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

you are such a very patient..but i hope everythings gonna be fine! but let me tell you that once you are told that she doesn't love you anymore is a different story...how could she do that! don't stay in the situation when you think you are being abused and punished!

Pinay are so bad! They take the side of the Kano against their sisters! I wonder why. Perhaps they know this behavior, or they still have friends to make matches for. Perhaps it is something else. Coming from a country where the men can't be trusted, I wonder what that could be. Is it just jealousy? I know my wife is not the sharing type when it comes to other women. Whatever it is, I would like to know.

Edited July 17, 2011 by Some Old Guy

[Fandango 1,439]

Please understand where I am coming on taking her back home, is a FINAL LAST ditch effort to try and save things. And no my fiancee knows her coming here has NO CONDITIONS. i love her completely. I have talked with my fiancee about what other girls have done, and how I would react if something like it happened to me. I believe Love Is ForEver.(note the capitals)

AS M60man pointed out, the Filipino culture has certain attributes which pre-date even american, spanish, mexican, or catholic cultural teaching. Just going home to her family WILL affect their relationship. Even if HE is not well respected in the family, her breaking things WILL be dealt with by the parents and extended family as well. It is possible she is a "rotten egg". But I believe the best, and think there are just issues which taking her home to her family will help if nothing else does. Presently, the OP needs help in getting his spouse to not be so abusive. It could be so was going through "tampo" and he pushed her on it. She could have been reacting angrily to him pushing for answers. Right now she is upset over something. She is becoming "americanized" while this is good in some ways. It is also bad. Her "americanization" is affecting their marriage negatively. Right now he is trying to fix things, and he needs a "reset" button. Taking her home to her family, or sending her home for a month or two will provide the "reset" button he needs.

Please note, although you may believe she cannot be deported, divorcing 30 days AFTER the 10 year green is issued is a HUGE RED Flag to ICE. NOT Attempting to deport her CAN affect the OP should he go for another marriage to a non US Citizen, he will go through much pain because they will suspect him of marriage fraud from this marriage. Her wanting to divorce him at this time is very, very bad to his future. I sincerely hope this does not happen. If they file for divorce in America, the superior court of the state handles the divorce. If that court SUSPECTS anything wrong in the marriage, the court MUST report and HAVE those suspicions investigated by the proper authorities BEFORE issuing a final divorce decree. The way she has been abusive, breaking things, saying she does not love him, plus asking for a divorce 30 days after her 10 year green card, would REQUIRE the court to report to USCIS for SUSPECTED marriage fraud. From what I have read, and from what I know of cases like this in Arizona, she would be deported with a LIFETIME ban. (and yes if you walked into the USEmbassy returning a green card saying you suspected your spouse of marriage fraud, they would take the green card right then. NOTE: if your claims are false, you are in very, very serious trouble.) Please understand IF I was in HIS shoes, I would be feeling extremely hurt by all of the events going on right now. if someone used me for a green card then wants support from me, I would be extremely angry at being used. I would be taking any and all legal measures possible. (and some people here know HOW MUCH I have done just to get my fiancee here so far. Imagine after all the trips, all the time, all the money, all the senators, congressmen, friends, family, pledging your life to her, you get your beloved here. You are told by your greatest treasure -- Luke 12:34 and Matthew 6:21 -- she no longer loves you and wants to leave, plus ACTS like it after getting her 10 year green card. How ANGRY would YOU be?)

right now, he is feeling very used and hurt. He just got her 10-year green card, He got her surgery for a problem with her leg, He has overlooked her rants and raves in the past. He stayed home with her to take care of her. He was ignored in his requests for silence while he was working from home on an important call. He is also being told she wants to leave him. She has been breaking things, and swinging at him. He may be part of the cause. No sides are completely innocent or completely guilty. But she is guilty of breaking things, of throwing things, of swinging at him hard enough to break a laptop, and telling him she no longer loves him, plus trying to do things on her own without him. She is showing him, she is no longer "his property". there are problems. She may be thinking he is bad for some reason, and can now just leave versus fixing the issue. She may also be thinking she can now divorce him and get half of what he owns. I really want them to fix their marriage. i want them to do well. It is for them to decide.

Whoa, this is kinda crazy.

First of all, if the OP was scammed into a marriage, he's not gonna be thrown in jail because of it. Most likely, he'll look like just another older man who 'dared to dream' that some 20 year old beauty came here for him, and not the GC.

The 'no longer his property' comment is really odd and interesting at the same time. No living being should be viewed as chattel, although I guess there are other opinions.

I do wonder if this ability to dismiss this wretched behavior as 'tampo' is partly due to an age difference. It sounds like many of the men who have learned to deal with it have done so employing the same tactics I'm using to teach my son. Would anyone assume that it's pretty standard for a woman of a certain age to act this way? Or is it somehow more easily accepted as 'cultural' even though it seems there's definitely a dynamic of father figure and child at play.

[B_J 2,752]

I do wonder if this ability to dismiss this wretched behavior as 'tampo' is partly due to an age difference. It sounds like many of the men who have learned to deal with it have done so employing the same tactics I'm using to teach my son. Would anyone assume that it's pretty standard for a woman of a certain age to act this way? Or is it somehow more easily accepted as 'cultural' even though it seems there's definitely a dynamic of father figure and child at play.

Tampo is not childish and it's not throwing things out of anger (which seems a little too common). Tampo really is a cultural trait.

Tampo

[kev_n_jena 89]

Whoa, this is kinda crazy.

First of all, if the OP was scammed into a marriage, he's not gonna be thrown in jail because of it. Most likely, he'll look like just another older man who 'dared to dream' that some 20 year old beauty came here for him, and not the GC.

The 'no longer his property' comment is really odd and interesting at the same time. No living being should be viewed as chattel, although I guess there are other opinions.

I do wonder if this ability to dismiss this wretched behavior as 'tampo' is partly due to an age difference. It sounds like many of the men who have learned to deal with it have done so employing the same tactics I'm using to teach my son. Would anyone assume that it's pretty standard for a woman of a certain age to act this way? Or is it somehow more easily accepted as 'cultural' even though it seems there's definitely a dynamic of father figure and child at play.

Do you know the age difference between the OP and his wife? BTW, I'm one of those guys that "dared to dream" as you put it. So far the dream has been very sweet.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Tampo is not childish and it's not throwing things out of anger (which seems a little too common). Tampo really is a cultural trait.

Tampo

Well, is it a good one?

[kev_n_jena 89]

Do you know the age difference between the OP and his wife? BTW, I'm one of those guys that "dared to dream" as you put it. So far the dream has been very sweet.

Ok, I did a search and it turns out their age difference is:

"Me: 29 almost 30, (USC)

Charry: 22, (PI)

7 years. 4 months, 22 days"

(Quoted from OP's previous post)

[B_J 2,752]

Well, is it a good one?

Actually, in some ways it is.

[kev_n_jena 89]

Well, is it a good one?

IMPO Tampo is a desirable trait when compared to what I went through in a previous 19 year relationship/marriage. When I say tampo, I'm refering to the withdrawl of affection mentioned in the above link. I had a hard time dealing with it during the first few years of our relationship. I was used to arguing and making my point. When tampo is deployed at our house, there's no arguing, no speaking, no communication at all for the duration. Thankfully it doesn't last long compared to other couples I've read about and only happens rarely.(once or twice per year maybe)

I would compare her tampo to me raising my voice and swearing. We both try to keep these things to a minimum and realize that when they happen, it means the other person is very angry or hurt by our actions or words.

We've discussed this thread and that led to more talk about our relationship. We had a very healthy conversation! Thanks to VJ

Edited July 17, 2011 by kev_n_jena

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Actually, in some ways it is.

If a person decides to pull back so the argument ceases, that can be healthy.

If a person continues to punish the person they are angry with after they have apologized, that is not healthy.

Some people have said the actions described by the OP are tampo. That does not appear healthy at all.