Combating the "yo mama don't live here" issue

[KittyPollitt 284]

NO MAN is worth that in my opinion.

lol I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing it for me. At this point, I've realized that he's going to lay around on his #### either way. I want a clean house, and I'm going to get it. I'm not getting a 3rd job solely to pay for a maid. I'm getting a 3rd job solely to save for a BMW. Maid service is just something I'm willing to pay for to keep peace in my house.

[nurse1967 287]

I don't like being taken advantage of. I would send him packing, put my daughter in preschool and go on with my life. Actually, that's exactly what I did with my daughter's father and I never regretted it or looked back for one moment. If the person I am married to doesn't respect me enough to lift a finger to help then really that says volumes about his feelings for me. That's just me though. Others feel like till death do us part. Just be careful not to work yourself to an early death!

[Peace.... 281]

Hi, I know in previous posts earlier in the year that you said you were gonna wait for a few years to apply for AOS as you both agreed he could just stay home and take care of your daughter. Maybe that was a mistake.... If your saving for a BMW why not apply that money for AOS get him is EAD card so he can get out of the house and work a part time job and you spend some time with your daughter. Your little girl needs her mother and it's time he gets out of the house, gets a job, and apply this money to daycare program as she is probably not getting much attention at home while you are gone if you say he is just laying around on the couch doing nothing.

I agree with another poster that men can be pretty spoiled from Morocco as the mother and sister's tend to do all the work in the family. My husband didn't have to do too much there when it came to housework, as his mother always said "no just let me do it". My husband is no different than any other man from Morocco, they all come from a very clean home as the women in the family take pride in keeping a very very very clean home. Though my husband didn't have to do much there, he does plenty here when it comes to keeping the house in order while I work. Heck, I have probably only made the bed 10 times in 8 months as he beats me to it. He always washes the dinner dishes since he says you made dinner, now I will clean up afterwards as I should cause you work and I should have some kind of home responsibility.

Squeaky, I forget just why you didn't want to apply for AOS upon his arrival almost a year ago but I think it's time and 6 moths from now he can work with his EAD card. I mean the longer he doesn't have any responsibility for anything, it's gonna be even harder to just get him out of the house to work and keep a job if you are doing everything. Please don't be a mother to him and be a wife and give yourself a break and I know you have to be tired and exhausted not just physically but emotionally as well.

If I were you, I would not take the extra job, stay home, keep up the house and play with your daughter and enjoy life together. Being a wife means you are a partner in a marriage and it takes two not one. Being a mother means your sole responsibility in life is to raise that little girl with much love and to guide her in the right direction in life and provide for her with a stable family and atmosphere. Just look back on your own Mother's role as you were growing up, most likely she cleaned, cooked, worked, payed the bills and so forth, in general we do it all as we watched our very own mother's do the same, so it our instinct to do the same with our own families. Maybe your husband is missing you too Squeaky but can't find a way to tell you, as I am sure your a strong minded woman. I mean, gosh if he sits at home all day with the baby, I am sure mentally he is getting depressed and now you are taking on a third job and I just don't see him getting any better mentally.

Rethink your situation and find some family time and get back on track, as you didn't wait all these years just to get him here so he could sit at home while you work your life away. Take care and good luck as I know you will find a way to make this work just as you did to get your husband here.

[Jenn! 918]

I'm getting a 3rd job solely to save for a BMW.

Really? I know you didn't ask, but that doesn't seem like a wise idea to me.

[KittyPollitt 284]

Really? I know you didn't ask, but that doesn't seem like a wise idea to me.

Really it's a Mini Cooper. I'll be paying cash for it. I never get anything for myself, I'm getting my car.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I won't be quitting any jobs, I won't be leaving him- I don't give up so easy. Ya'll have a great day

[HannahP 119]

Really it's a Mini Cooper. I'll be paying cash for it. I never get anything for myself, I'm getting my car.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I won't be quitting any jobs, I won't be leaving him- I don't give up so easy. Ya'll have a great day

Hey, if it works for you guys -- then it works. I've been arguing with my husband for over seven years now about this very same issue. I definitely don't believe it's a reason to get divorced (and if I were like, oh my Canadian husband won't clean up -- versus my MENA husband won't clean up) -- how many people would be acting like we should get divorced?

/no kids 'tho

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Really it's a Mini Cooper. I'll be paying cash for it. I never get anything for myself, I'm getting my car.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I won't be quitting any jobs, I won't be leaving him- I don't give up so easy. Ya'll have a great day

a mini cooper sounds kind of small and dangerous too. I wouldnt want to be in a car crash in one or have my kids in one either

[KittyPollitt 284]

a mini cooper sounds kind of small and dangerous too. I wouldnt want to be in a car crash in one or have my kids in one either

They have a 4 star safety rating in all categories. I drive 1k miles a week. I shop for engine quality and gas mileage, not trunk size.

Edited August 19, 2011 by squeaky580

[Tahlisha 28]

He needs to just get off his butt and help out!!!! In my opinion it doesn't matter what country he is from because I am sure there are plenty of american men who do the same.... If the shoe were on the other foot he would expect you to have that house clean his dinner cooked and his child tken care of so because he is not working he needs to make sure those things are done... Moroccan men tend to be spoiled by then wimen in their families.. But he needs to know that you are not his mother or his sister or his maid nor are you his slave.... You are his wife therefore it is his obligation to take care of you. Now because he is not able to work outside of the house for now taking care of you means taking care of the house..... I have had this discussion many times with my husband.. I let him know I am not a super woman, I'm not his momma or his sister nor his maid or slave.... And as along as I have to work outside of the house and pay bills with the money I make he has to help out around the house....

Remind him that even the Prohet Muhammad (saw) helped out around the house... So he needs to get off his butt and help you out.... Especially during Ramadan...

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Lazy azz dads are poor role models for their kids. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Just sayin'

[Darnell 8,478]

I may not post a lot but I do a lot of reading around here. Any time Darnell gives advice to MENA people in any part of this site we get the "ask yer mullah" line. Only recently has it become "ask yer mullah/imam" It sounds insincere and it gets old because I don't see any "ask yer priest/rabbi" advice given to anyone else.

Someone's husband is a scammer? ask yer mullah Your husband won't wash dishes? ask yer mullah Generall suckiness of MENA people? ask yer mullah

After living through Ramadan in Singapura, I had a totally new aspect on just what an Imam/Muallah could influence. It's not as if I just throw it out there, but I get it - it sure seems that way, yes? I rarely give my backstory, I'm a verra private person about who I am, what my upbringing is, what my religious views are. So, kudos to you for noticing my posting pattern about this - I don't do it to be flippant, at all.

My apologies, but thanks for reading, noticing the pattern.

I still stick by my original posit - you got's a broken Muslim Spouse? Time to get to the Mosque, have a talk. The Imam there will be more culturally sensitive to your situation than almost ANYONE ELSE you bring your problem (to ), can swiftly tell you (and yer spouse) what to do to effect a positive change.

I've seen it happen, in communities where I've lived. Does it work for everyone? HECK NO... <EOM>

[Tahlisha 28]

After living through Ramadan in Singapura, I had a totally new aspect on just what an Imam/Muallah could influence. It's not as if I just throw it out there, but I get it - it sure seems that way, yes? I rarely give my backstory, I'm a verra private person about who I am, what my upbringing is, what my religious views are. So, kudos to you for noticing my posting pattern about this - I don't do it to be flippant, at all.

My apologies, but thanks for reading, noticing the pattern.

I still stick by my original posit - you got's a broken Muslim Spouse? Time to get to the Mosque, have a talk. The Imam there will be more culturally sensitive to your situation than almost ANYONE ELSE you bring your problem (to ), can swiftly tell you (and yer spouse) what to do to effect a positive change.

I've seen it happen, in communities where I've lived. Does it work for everyone? HECK NO... <EOM>

I am not thatfamilar with Darnell's posts.... However he has a point..... Far too many women mary muslim men not knowing much about Islam or just beleiving what their fiances/husbands tell them... I went through it prior to my taking shahada I dated a tunisian american for 8 years I (like a dummy) beleived all the silliness that spued from his mouth.... But then I started studying about Islam with some women from the local Masjid and found that most he had told me were variations of Islama mix of his own ideals and Tunisian culture.... Needless to say after taking shahada we started to grow apart and eventually broke up.. Now I am married to a Moroccan man whom I love to death :0) But he gets all caught up in his culture and most born muslims from foreign mix thheir culture with Islam... I am learning things about Islam everyday and I am glad I am married to a man who is open to learning how some things he grew up beleiving were part of Islam are not... From an Islamic point of view Squeaky's husband is totally wrong... My advice to any woman who is engaged/married to any muslim man is to learn about TRUE ISLAM.... Know where you stand Islamically and call your man out when he is in the wrong....

[Golden Gate 530]

My advice to any woman who is engaged/married to any muslim man is to learn about TRUE ISLAM.... Know where you stand Islamically and call your man out when he is in the wrong....

[/quote

So true. He will tell me I should find out about my new religion and that I can research things online and find out what I want to know about Islam. So I do, and then I will ask him about what I've learned, and it doesn't always match what he knows, and he will say to me - so, you are one person, and you are going to go against all Muslims? Ha ha. I will respond, well, you suggested I find out, and I have done so, and I don't do things because everyone else does it, I want proof. Even if sometimes I don't mind doing what he believes is the correct thing, I will make him find the proof, just to know, and he thanks me for asking him that in the end. He always reminds me he isn't a Muslim scholar, but just a simple Muslim, so I think this works quite well in that we both learn.

[Ready to do it 101]

Sarah

I know we've had a rather uninspiring discussion in the past. I'll throw in my two cents and I'll give you a piece of advice and a suggestion on how to make some real life needed changes.

Advice... Get your priorities straight. If you show poor decision making how can you expect better judgment from him. I've read all through this post of a messy house, internet, nintendo, tv's, books all over the place, messy floors, BMW or Mini-Cooper, a futuristic vacuum cleaner. Uhmmm... did you ever purchase that health insurance? See what I mean? If you aren't a positive influence how can you expect him to be? You don't purchase health insurance and you have stated what kind of living conditions you live in, and then you have all of these luxuries in your home... an unsanitary home.

Suggestion... New rule, have him clean the house, or lock him out of the house while you are gone at work. What can he do? Give him a broom and tell him to sweep the sidewalk, clean the windows in the building, pick up trash in the neighborhood. I.e. Either clean the house or learn how to clean/do something that benefits society and teaches cleaning skills while he sweats all day outside. It may sound a little brutal, but he will learn.

Ultimately you rushed into marriage. You did not know everything about your partner, or you poorly calculated that he would change. Your finances are minimal and you have no health insurance. See what I meant about the idea of raising the income requirements for sponsors. You assured me your income was well over the needed amount, you lived very comfortably paying cash for everything, and did not live high on the hog with material things, etc. Really?

Now you are working 74 hours a week, spending all your money on unneeded luxuries, and your husband has no interest in helping you. What would happen if your husband were to fall and break a leg? What would happen if you were to fall and break a leg? Do you have the savings to pay for that? Could you go 4 months without working? It's time to do a little house-cleaning and I mean the "real" house, the relationship, and getting priorities in order. You can't change your past, but you sure can change your future.

Really it's a Mini Cooper. I'll be paying cash for it. I never get anything for myself, I'm getting my car.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I won't be quitting any jobs, I won't be leaving him- I don't give up so easy. Ya'll have a great day

[Ready to do it 101]

One more suggestion that should work assuming the child is his. Tell him a neighbor looked through the window and saw the mess you guys are living in and threatened to call Child Protective Services. That should get him moving. If parents can't provide a safe clean environment for their children then they don't deserve to have them... not to mention it's the law. They can take your daughter away from you if you are not providing a healthy environment for your child. Certainly this would hit a nerve, wouldn't it?