Combating the "yo mama don't live here" issue

[Mithra 1,185]

I feel the same way re: stay at homes. I don't think that the working partner should have to help with the housework (unless they want to). When I was a stay at home my ex husband never helped me and I didn't expect it. My job was to take care of the kids and keep the house in order. I didn't go help him at his job so why would he have to come home and help me with my job? I even did the yardword most of the time, too. He would help with that part.

[tany1157 161]

I can't give you any advice with my current marriage, as the hubby is still in Morocco, but I will give some insight based on my first marriage. That man did NOTHING around the house. I had to tell him every single time what to do, and what annoyed me so much was that he was a GROWN MAN, and I thought he should be capable of seeing dirty dishes in the sink, and realizing they needed to be cleaned. In the end, I felt like his mom. We had many things contribute to the downfall of our marriage, this was only a small problem in the scheme of things. When he did try to do stuff, I would go around after work, and "fix" what he didn't do right. This eventually made him feel like "why bother." I have thankfully learned a lot about relationships thanks to the downfall of my first marriage.

I am pretty up front, and speak my mind, whether people like it or not. When I first went to visit Ouadie, I watched what his mother did. I felt so uncomfortable, because she would pick up after me, in the bedroom! I mean, my dirty laundry, whatever I had out of place, it was weird. Nobody has done that for me in years. But I made for damn sure to tell Ouadie, all the time, that I will NEVER do what his mother does. I will NOT pick up your dirty underwear, or serve your lunch to you in your room. It just won't happen. I have been a hard working girl since the day I was legally able to start working, and I expect my husband to be able to feed himself, and at least put his dirty clothes in a basket. Now, my husband works in Morocco, and has been away to college, so he is capable of cooking, and doing laundry. We have discussed at great lengths what we "plan" for our household, but know that there will probably be much tweeking when we finally live together. He has told me up front that he does not want to do laundry, he just doesn't want to have to worry about it. I told him I wouldn't mind doing all the laundry, as long as he picks up the slack somewhere else. Thankfully he knows how to cook, so he will be able to cook a couple times a week(he doesn't want to cook full time). I'm thrilled I have a man who knows how to cook, as my ex didn't really have a clue. I have also told him I would like him to do the bulk of the yard work (snow blowing the driveway, mowing the lawn). I grew up in a house where dad worried about the pool, and yard work, and mom did cooking and housework. On paper, we have a good plan set up, but we know things will be much different once we settle in together. One thing I know is Ouadie feels like the man should be financially supporting the family, so all I ever hear him say is, "I will work a ###### job if that is all I can get, while I look for work in my field" He is actually using this shitty time apart to study more, so he will have more skills when he gets here.

To end a long story, what I learned is there should be straight lines of communication. I need to stop assuming that my husband should be able to read my mind, and I should be clear on what I am expecting, and be clear on what he is expecting. Then we should make lists, and actually follow them. Also, making things comfy for him will make it harder for him to have the motivation to actually want to leave the house. But, he can't work until you guys AOS, so in my house, I would prob cut the cable. I would live on watching movies for a while. Once step at a time. I don't have any doubts that he loves you, he just needs some encouragement. Hopefully, as time goes on, he will get off his behind because he will realize it makes for a happier wifey!!

[nurse1967 287]

I was married to a man like that and we both worked. However, he somehow thought everything domestic including the house, laundry, yard work, cleaning cars, paying the bills was my responsibility. I got tired of begging for his help and it was one of many issues that led to our DIVORCE. Life is too short to be someone's door mat. If you are working 60 hours a week and he somehow doesn't see how him sitting on his rump doing little if anything is disrespectful then that probably won't change no matter how much you ###### about it. For me, the resentment got to be too much and I found myself disliking him. I felt that I deserved someone who treated me with more respect and caring so I left. Guess you will know when enough is enough. Hang in there, and I hope things change for you. You are only human and can only go on at that pace for so long until your health or sanity or both give way.

[KittyPollitt 284]

I was married to a man like that and we both worked. However, he somehow thought everything domestic including the house, laundry, yard work, cleaning cars, paying the bills was my responsibility. I got tired of begging for his help and it was one of many issues that led to our DIVORCE. Life is too short to be someone's door mat. If you are working 60 hours a week and he somehow doesn't see how him sitting on his rump doing little if anything is disrespectful then that probably won't change no matter how much you ###### about it. For me, the resentment got to be too much and I found myself disliking him. I felt that I deserved someone who treated me with more respect and caring so I left. Guess you will know when enough is enough. Hang in there, and I hope things change for you. You are only human and can only go on at that pace for so long until your health or sanity or both give way.

I try to be understanding, because I lived with his family for 6 months and got a really good idea of the lifestyle he was accustomed to before coming here. He never had to lift a finger to do anything- his mother would even prepare his bathwater like a little child. I would often tell him that it's not going to be like that in America (my mother would have laughed at me if I'd even asked her to prepare my lunch lol). Conversely, I was not raised by a very domestic mom. My mom has always been on the messy side, and is now married to a guy with OCD who does all the cleaning for her (she's smarter than me, I guess). I never learned how to cook or clean until I was out on my own, and it was self taught. Come to think of it, most of my life skills have been self taught and I'm very independent, which makes it even more difficult for me to relate to his neediness.

When it comes down to it, I don't see it becoming a deal breaker, because it's my home too and if you want something done, sometimes you've gotta do it yourself. I'm just a little tired.

[Peace.... 281]

Hi,

When I met my fiance then in Morocco, I loved so much that he was such a family man and did so much for his mother and sister's. He helped around the house, ran errands for the family if they needed anything, heck I helped too when I was there. My husband is very helpful around the house. He washes dishes always after I cook, he keeps up the laundry for family, he takes out the trash every day, LOL he even waters my flowers when I forget. I have a puppy that he takes care of all day making sure he goes outside.... he even like to vacuum We have small disagreements about little things but nothing major so far and life has been blessed for us both. He has the patience of someone that is 100 years old LOL, nothing ever seems to bother him at all. He still prays all his prayers which I am so blessed that he America has not changed his way of thinking.

[LaL 418]

[Jenn! 918]

I haven't had time to read all the responses yet, but I just wanted to say that my life and our relationship has improved so much since I hired a housecleaner. So much. I didn't even realize how much of our problems came down to this issue. I tried for almost 8 long years to change him before I gave up. Maybe some people can learn, but I ran out of energy for the fight.

Of course, this solution all comes down to whether you can afford to do it. We both work, so the dynamic is different. My husband protested paying someone to clean the house (my job, right? though he didn't say as much)...said that he was going to help out more, yadda yadda. He hasn't said a peep since he's seen how the nagging, begging, etc. has stopped.

[Jenn! 918]

Today I overhauled most of the apartment myself. I figured giving him a clean house to start with might help. He seems to be getting that this issue isn't going anywhere. The last thing he wants to happen is for me to go get some wine and let all this frustration simmer. So he's being agreeable to pulling some more weight. I'll let ya'll know how it works out

If I had a dime for every time I've heard that!!! I hope you have better luck than me...

[KittyPollitt 284]

Have you done this too?

I am prayin to God that Nabil won't sit on his rear and do nothing when he gets here. But Nabil is kinda laid back (a very nice word for lazy) just like yours, so I know that it's likely he just might be the same.

Can you picture me doing that, Tracy? Honestly?

Today I bought a cool futuristic looking vacuum/steamer and told him to imagine he's scanning for an underground bunker on an unexplored planet while he's CLEANING THE DAMN FLOOR. If that doesn't work, at least the thing will make MY job easier.

[Muh and me 18]

Can you picture me doing that, Tracy? Honestly?

Today I bought a cool futuristic looking vacuum/steamer and told him to imagine he's scanning for an underground bunker on an unexplored planet while he's CLEANING THE DAMN FLOOR. If that doesn't work, at least the thing will make MY job easier.

Love it Sarah! I hope for your sake he comes around. My hubby tells me he can cook but thats it. He won't clean up his mess in the kitchen I do, and he won't get any kind of job thats not in the medical field cause "HE IS A DOCTOR". So I've been working my part time hours and cleaning the whole house, and support us on my teeny tiny salary and disability while he sits on his azz studying for his certifications. On the up side, he does pick up after him self (clothes) when he comes in his shoes are put away (i'm bad for that), his clothes are hung up. He throws none of his clothes on the floor ever! Something about satan, I dunno.

Anyway, I know its not easy, but soon inshallah you will get the money for AOS and he will be able to work. I will pray for you Sarah!

[LaL 418]

I seriously cannot fathom drawing a grown, able-bodied man's bathwater. Call me culturally insensitive or whatever, but this is O.o to me.

Edited July 1, 2011 by LaL

[Muh and me 18]

I seriously cannot fathom drawing a grown, able-bodied man's bathwater. Call me culturally insensitive or whatever, but this is O.o to me.

I just read that I somehow missed that!!!

[AngelK96 0]

If I had a dime for every time I've heard that!!! I hope you have better luck than me...

Lmao.....good luck..omg that makes me laugh..

[AngelK96 0]

oh goodness this makes me laugh..my husband calls my work like three times and i am in a surgical case.. wanting to tell me he forgot to unplug the charger to our riding lawn mower in the garage..i am like what i can't go home and unplug it.. oh dear..cracks me up..sheesh...lmao :rofl: when i got home i opened a bottle of wine..

Edited July 2, 2011 by AngelK96

[nurse1967 287]

I just can't somehow feel that it is totally disrespectful to sit on your butt all day while your wife works 60+ hours a week. I don't care what culture you come from. He has to see that you are exhausted and frustrated too. Like I said, more power to you. I would find myself resenting him and eventually disliking him as well. I have seen very few relationships where it is 50/50 but 30/70 I think is doable.