Combating the "yo mama don't live here" issue

[Darnell 8,478]

I'm not a sister, or even contemplating becoming one.

But - you're on a schedule.

Get him on a schedule, as well.

IMO, no muck, no clutter, no decaying food by the time __YOU__ come home, is a great thing. He'll know when you come home each day, so shift him a bit, get him on a schedule - should take less than 1 hour of focused cleaning to get the house back on track, each day.

A Schedule is important. IMO, he needs one, todayish.

Failing all of that - here's a tip for overcoming the maleness in the house.

Go talk with yer Imam/muallah - tell him the issue, then invite him over 1 hour before you are scheduled to get home, knowing full well that he will be training your husband for 'how to clean'. I know it sounds silly, but you get a big man teaching the little man? All is wonderful, in the squeaky house.

Edited June 29, 2011 by Darnell

[momof1 205]

Can you cut the "talk to yer mullah" ####### please??? I don't know why you ram the mullah line down our throats everytime someone asks anything.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I guess how we taught our kids to do housework isn't the solution you're looking for , but it's cute, and you can use it for your baby. When they hit 3 years old, we put on some fun, energetic music, then, we would dance around the house singing, dusting, mopping, vacuuming, etc., until it was all done. They loved it and are proficient cleaners to this day.

Edited June 29, 2011 by Sofiyya

[Darnell 8,478]

Can you cut the "talk to yer mullah" ####### please??? I don't know why you ram the mullah line down our throats everytime someone asks anything.

Sorry, in the communities I lived in, in Houston, Dallas and Singapore, this was the approach that worked. Your Mileage May Vary, Much.

[HannahP 119]

For what it's worth, I've been struggling to get my husband to do any housework for the last six of the seven years that we've lived together.

I think I've tried everything that has been suggested in this thread. Be patient. Be assertive. Make lists. Don't nag. Nag. Take away his things. Withhold sex. Reinforce when he does do something through praise or treats or sex. Adult conversations. Yelling. Crying. Like your husband, he will "shape up" and do stuff for a few days or even a week or two before it falls back into the same ol' pattern. Guilt seems to work the best -- the longest time that he actually pulled his weight around the house was after I caught him in an online/texting relationship with his WoW girlfriend.

Anyway, things are a bit different because you two have a child together. So you have to pull together to do some things. At least he's taking good care of the kid? I've completely separated "my chores" from his these days. I do my own laundry, wash my own dishes, and make my own food.

[~ameriptian~ 54]

I don't buy that whole "he's from a country where women do the housework" stuff, he's an adult and he has responsibilities. I would sit down and have a calm, frank, discussion with him. I would lay out all the chores that need to be done around the house and split them up. He can't be expected to be home, take care of the child, and do all of the housework. And you can't be expected to work 2 jobs and do all of the housework.

When my husband came here he was used to working 70+ hour weeks and had a mother and sister who stayed home. Obviously they did the cooking and cleaning. For the 2 months that he was unable to work I would get frustrated when the dishes weren't done and all he had been doing for the day was watching tv. We sat down, I listed out everything that needs to be done around the house, the frequency it should be happening and we decided who will be responsible for what.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed with work, I'm a tax analyst at a very large company and work 60-80 hour weeks when I'm busy, I let him know. I will come home and immediately say, the dishes need to be done and I really can't handle doing them right now, please help me. I think you also need to start being honest with him about this stuff. No matter where people are from, there are some people who notice and pay attention to housework and there are some who don't. My brother is one who doesn't even notice when the house needs to be picked up and he's American. If you hold these things in until you explode you are at fault too. Be honest about your feelings when you're feeling them, he'll probably respond better if you are calm and not upset when you talk to him.

I agree. I come from a Middle Eastern country and I did not know nothing about housework until I moved here. My parents have a maid, and I just occasionally had to cook for myself when they or the maid were out of town. On the other hand, my husband had been on his own and totally responsible for everything housework related for 8+ years. After I moved here I was overwhelmed by how much I had to learn.. He taught me how to hold a broom, how to do laundry, how fold clothes (I am totally serious), how to use different cleaners for different purposes. It's a good thing I love cooking, but my proportions in the first couple of months were messed up. It was always WAY TOO MUCH food. The first week I started cooking just enough food and learned how to stick to serving sizes, we actually celebrated.

After I became more comfortable doing the house work, he started leaving it all on me. That kinda got me frustrated. I know he is the one working, but giving me a hand in a house that barely stays clean (Well, spotless to my standards) for more than two days because of the children, would be very nice. I continued to just keep doing all the housework for a month (minus taking the trash out and taking care of the cat's litter box), and then it felt like he should contribute even if just a little bit (at least pick up his dirty clothes from the floor!).. We had a heart to heart talk and we agreed that: he would cook once every weekend, none of his clothes would be on the floor anymore, he has to help with the laundry, the dishes now and then, etc. It works for us! And I am sure when I start working, the schedule will be modified to fit our schedule.

Your husband can learn Sarah. If he seems to slack, remind him that it is his responsibility to get the housework done until he works and maybe you two can share it equally. I am glad the talk you had with him worked.

[KittyPollitt 284]

Go talk with yer Imam/muallah - tell him the issue, then invite him over 1 hour before you are scheduled to get home, knowing full well that he will be training your husband for 'how to clean'. I know it sounds silly, but you get a big man teaching the little man? All is wonderful, in the squeaky house.

thanks Darnell. I don't know a single Imam. The best I could do is Tibetan Buddhist monks, and I've seen where they live, I don't want them teaching my husband anything about cleaning

[Staashi 371]

Can you cut the "talk to yer mullah" ####### please??? I don't know why you ram the mullah line down our throats everytime someone asks anything.

Actually, my husband talked to our priest about a domestic issue and he helped to resolve it. Talking to clergy be them Catholic, Jewish or Muslim is not a new suggestion...but it is valid in many relationships, but not in this one as Sarah pointed out.

[Used to be broken 147]

For us, Adam & I both work. Hes said before that its the womans job to cook and clean and I just tell him then its not my job to work and make any money if I'm going to spend all day cooking and cleaning.

One thing that I know for sure is that he does not want to be told what to do or nagged. Im not his mother. I basically put the pressure on myself by trying to keep a perfect house when he would care less that its perfect or not. He never nags on me as to why anythings not cleaned so I had to stop putting pressure on myself about getting every single thing done right now.

He knows if his dirty clothes isnt in the washing machine then they wont get washed. He's slowly but surely learning to go throw his clothes in the washer if he wants them washed today. And when I do laundry and he didnt put his clothes in there, I just say... hey you know where dirty laundry goes and that I do laundry daily, I didnt see any of your stuff in the wash. Then he knows tomorrow to put his clothes in the wash. If he has stuff in his pockets and I do pick up something, it gets washed. And I tell him if you want your clothes washed take your stuff out your pockets so they dont get washed. So basically I make a habit of what I do and he's learning/learned what he needs to do.

Since he works early mornings I take the trash to the road and since Im at work in the daytime he brings in the trash cans. He washes the dog, I wont. Dishes he never does so I dont hurry to do them anymore. Im not going to stress myself out over every fork or spoon in the sink.

I admit my house is not perfectly clean as I would like on a daily basis but it is good enough. Im not going to yell, scream, beg, nag daily and Im not going to stress myself out over something that I have a lifetime to do. Yes I wish he helped more on his own, but it is what it is.

On a awesome shocking note: When I came home from work on Saturday, he was acting like he was starving and just waiting on me to come home and cook immediately. I was ready to come through the door and say, IM NOT GOING TO COOK TODAY! ... I walked in to a table with a homemade baked whole chicken, egyptian style rice, and some kind of okra that is egyptian style made. I was shocked! ... of course guess who ended up doing all the dishes?... ME... but on Sunday

Well we have a rule "the cook doesn't clean" so so the person who didn't cook he cleans the kitchen. Very simple. If you run out of dishes and pots and pans, well its peanut butter and jelly time until the person who didn't cook last cleans the kitchen. The less perceptive and non-cooking hubbies might even find the spouse picking up dinner (for themselves only ) on the way home from work and letting the errant partner fend for themselves in the dirty kitchen.

Same goes for laundry , if you cannot get help there or an even distribution of other chores, just do your own and the babies. Let happy go lucky wear dirty underwear a couple of days, he will clue in.

You might sit down and make a list and divide the chores, each person gets to choose what they least hate to do since frankly none of it is fun. Whats left gets the good old fashioned coin toss.

In the interest of full disclosure I was married to a "culturally retarded spouse" and life was miserable. He was not rehabilitated after several years and I asked myself if I wanted to cater to a person who would not pull his weight in the marriage and the answer was NO.

Looking back perhaps hiring a maid and selling the house and living in a town home or condo where they do the outside chores for you might have provided the needed relief. The option of living in a mess was never on the table for me. So I traded up for a model that sees life as a partnership and there are some chores he doesn't do or has never done (cooking and bathrooms) but on balance he pitches in and does above and beyond 50% of the remaining household chores and that has made my life so much more enjoyable.

I do believe that in an attempt to "retrain" there is wisdom in rewarding the good and ignoring as much of the bad as possible because its stressful enough without the heated words. The bible talks about a marriage as two people being "yolked together" presumably to bear the burden of pulling the cart together.

good luck

Edited June 30, 2011 by brokenfamily

[KittyPollitt 284]

Today I overhauled most of the apartment myself. I figured giving him a clean house to start with might help. He seems to be getting that this issue isn't going anywhere. The last thing he wants to happen is for me to go get some wine and let all this frustration simmer. So he's being agreeable to pulling some more weight. I'll let ya'll know how it works out

[New Beginnings 32]

Today I overhauled most of the apartment myself. I figured giving him a clean house to start with might help. He seems to be getting that this issue isn't going anywhere. The last thing he wants to happen is for me to go get some wine and let all this frustration simmer. So he's being agreeable to pulling some more weight. I'll let ya'll know how it works out

I think your man wants you happy and I'm glad for you that you were able to have a conversation with him and that the issue seems to be resolved. Remember, just like anything else it will go up and down and you may need to have another conversation to get back on track.

I think it was a good choice to avoid the passive-aggressive route and talk to him about it. Because of the amount of time we spent apart during the CR-1 process my husband and I had developed such amazing communication skills. I would hate to forget I have those skills and not resolve issues, whether they be dishes or anything else, by using those skills. I believe in the long run, if you go down the passive-aggressive road you may manipulate your partner into doing what you want, but wouldn't you rather they understand what the problem is and what they can do better? I know for me personally, if I was doing something that bothered my husband I would rather he speak to me about it instead of not bringing home dinner for me.

[KittyPollitt 284]

I think your man wants you happy and I'm glad for you that you were able to have a conversation with him and that the issue seems to be resolved. Remember, just like anything else it will go up and down and you may need to have another conversation to get back on track.

I think it was a good choice to avoid the passive-aggressive route and talk to him about it. Because of the amount of time we spent apart during the CR-1 process my husband and I had developed such amazing communication skills. I would hate to forget I have those skills and not resolve issues, whether they be dishes or anything else, by using those skills. I believe in the long run, if you go down the passive-aggressive road you may manipulate your partner into doing what you want, but wouldn't you rather they understand what the problem is and what they can do better? I know for me personally, if I was doing something that bothered my husband I would rather he speak to me about it instead of not bringing home dinner for me.

Passive-aggressive is giving me way too much credit. Last month, it got UGLY up in here. But it achieved nothing. I'm a "work for what you want" kinda girl, and using different approaches seems to be working So I'm gonna stick with it.

[momof1 205]

Actually, my husband talked to our priest about a domestic issue and he helped to resolve it. Talking to clergy be them Catholic, Jewish or Muslim is not a new suggestion...but it is valid in many relationships, but not in this one as Sarah pointed out.

I may not post a lot but I do a lot of reading around here. Any time Darnell gives advice to MENA people in any part of this site we get the "ask yer mullah" line. Only recently has it become "ask yer mullah/imam" It sounds insincere and it gets old because I don't see any "ask yer priest/rabbi" advice given to anyone else.

Someone's husband is a scammer? ask yer mullah Your husband won't wash dishes? ask yer mullah Generall suckiness of MENA people? ask yer mullah

[LaL 418]

I may not post a lot but I do a lot of reading around here. Any time Darnell gives advice to MENA people in any part of this site we get the "ask yer mullah" line. Only recently has it become "ask yer mullah/imam" It sounds insincere and it gets old because I don't see any "ask yer priest/rabbi" advice given to anyone else.

Someone's husband is a scammer? ask yer mullah Your husband won't wash dishes? ask yer mullah Generall suckiness of MENA people? ask yer mullah

Thanks for the lulz I think well-intended advice sounds like it's teeming with stereotypes when it's repeated in such a fashion.

[Fandango 1,439]

I don't know what the answer is, but I wanted to say I empathize with you working moms. It is so hard!

I didn't work most of last year when I was pregnant/had my son in Sept. This year, I started over VERY part time in a new company (self-employed realtor, btw). When I didn't work, I stayed home with the baby, and took care of the home. My husband was working, and I didn't think it was fair to him to not pull my own weight around the house. I was responsible for everything home related, and I was fine with that...because he was working all day, and I was home. So it was easy for me to take care of the home, and have it nice for him when he got back from work. I don't feel it was his responsibility to work a full day, then have to come home to have to start cleaning a mess, when I've been at home all day long.

Then I started to work, and it was hard finding a balance. But, we both worked together at the house. Granted, I am a bit cleaner than my hubby...there have been times when he would walk past something that I would have dealt with. And anytime that would happen, I would mention it to him. I don't like nagging, I don't like fighting...and I certainly don't like treating my husband like a child...he's a grown man, he's my partner. I'm not going to set up a pice of oak tag with a chart so that he can get a star for the day for doing what he should. I am not his mother, nor his maid, and he knows that. And as partners, I give 100%, and he knows I expect the same from him.

Especially when both parents work, you must be hell-organized in order to work at an optimum speed, lol. While it may seem that I'm a housewife at times because I can work from home...I'm not. I have a 1000 things to do in a day workwise (I'm back full time), so I cannot and will not do everything.

Coincidentally, when we were finding our new 'legs' wrt to division of labor, we wound up watching that show Hoarders, and it made him so sick, that he's been awesome ever since. Especially the episodes where the family has small children. It's an extreme example of how a horrible home can affect a child. Granted, hoarding doesn't equal slight disarray, but if you (the OP) stopped cleaning altogether, how would the house look if it was solely up to him?

I'm sure he wants what's best for your child, so perhaps watch an ep of Hoarders to get your point across?

One suggestion as to the toys: I have found that when Nick has his choice of any of all of his toys, he winds up not really showing an interest in any of them. So we have started cycling the toys. We have a box where all the toys go, and every few days, they get 'cycled'. So he feels like he has new toys, and totally shows different interest when they are re-introduced. It also lessens up on the clutter of having everything all over the place.

Good luck!

Edited June 30, 2011 by Anita Cocktail