Learning how to argue

[ceriserose 1]

Yes, a lot of people retreat when they feel something bad might happen if they don't. In my husband's case I think he is just insecure and afraid of making me mad by saying anything at all. He still compares me to his ex, even though he really makes an effort not to do that. I know it's not that easy after 15 years...

It actually helped some when I told him that even if we disagree on something every once in a while this is never so important that I would doubt our relationship or even consider leaving him because of it!

And like Steven_and_Jinky said, my parents also had a long, very happy marriage but I remember my Mum screaming like a fishwife every once in a while, and us kids just running for cover to wait it out. But in our family we never held a grudge for an extended time frame, which is something I can't handle at all. That was the way things were done in my husband's family. (Silence until eventually something else came up and the issue was "forgotten").

Seems like we are shaped much more by these early childhood experiences than I thought.

I think there are 2 issues at play here...one is his 'baggage' and his learned responses that aren't working for you and the other is how to manage communication effectively when the conversation isn't necessarily pleasant.

Changing the learned responses is something you both can work on...when you're approaching the subject/conversations, think about how he might respond before you talk. Get him away from distractions and then just broach it calmly. If you're not calm then get yourself to a calm place. If he can tell you're not and might take it the wrong way, just tell him you're upset and need to collect your thoughts/yourself to be able to discuss it.

Try asking your husband what he thinks as you're making your comments...and wait for his responses, even if they take a long time.

You could also practice having discussions when you're not upset or stressed...just take 15 minutes a day and discuss topics that you might disagree on (politics, religion or even something less tense) and just discuss...get him used to open communication style with no pressure.

[Mrs. Forgetful 2]

I understand you perfectly - my husband, as sweet and wonderful as he is, is incredibly passive-agressive and non-confrontational. What usually winds up happening is that we muddle on as best we can, but sometimes the manure hits the fan and I shout and he ignores me. Then I get upset because he's ignoring me and it all gets really messy.

The best things I have found are being gentle and kind whilst you're arguing - namecalling and "we'd be OK if only YOU hadn't..." statements are the quickest way to descend into chaos in our household, and I guess we're not alone.

I will be watching this thread with interest, thank you for being so brave Mrs. J.

The other thing that happens with us is Casey will say sorry and expects it to be over. But I am still holding on to the hurt and anger and can't let it go. So I want to keep talking about what it is that upset me and he is thinking I already said sorry what is she going on about?

I often think that my husband is ignoring me, only to find out that he just doesn't want to fight or hear me ramble about how I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't care about how I feel and can't tell when he says or does something that upsets me. When I go to talk to him about it he runs for cover in the bed and tries to sleep, but I follow and try to talk to him which leads me to get angry and raise my voice. At first I think I want to hear him say sorry, but after I have all this stuff going through my head and I want to talk sorry just doesn't cut it! Then he's like lets talk about it tomorrow I'm to tired to talk now. But without fail, I get so upset that I remind myself that I am starting to act like my mother and I start to cry and he stays awake and then starts to hold onto me and then we talk. I stopped walking out of the house after one night I walked out and stayed out for 2 hours and I didn't get a call and he didn't come looking for me. When I got back to the house he was sound asleep. I woke him up yelled at him because he didn't care about me and didn't care if I got picked up and raped when I walked out. But I must say, sometimes I like to start a fight with him, yes I like to start it sometimes, because the making up is amazing!

Also, when he gets upset he holds it all in and doesn't want to talk about it at all. I have to push and push to get him to talk to me about it. In the end it's worth it. He feels better and I think he is learning that I care about what is upsetting him and that I am here to listen.

[Visa4habibi! 0]

I'm not saying that avoiding discussions/arguments is a good thing. But count your blessings, ladies. I've been with men who LOVE to argue over the silliest stuff ever. I was never able to understand that and i divorced one of them, who turned out to be a control freak along with other slight mental problems (he wouldn't even take an anti-depressant while i was with him!).

Now my new hubby loves to argue about anything too. But that's another story - he's MENA guy and they're hot blooded people or whatever. And overly sensitive (at least my hubby is).

One thing I know for sure: men love the making up part. Sometimes i thought that's all the fighting is about. But again, I was with the ex long enough to understand that he needs a shrink... and not me.

And I still need to learn how to argue with my new hubby without everybody getting emotionally hurt too much and still getting some issues resolved. But that i should probably ask the MENA ladies. The only problem is when i wasn't here (internet and other problems) they were fighting like crazy - i couldn't even read the whole thread. Don't even know how it ended.

So, any good advice on how to argue with ppl who do like to argue? Who turn everything you say into an argument? I used to drive my ex crazy with me laughing at something he'd say wrong and i'd find it funny. I try to inject humor into everything, even into that Visa Jorney we all are doing here.

Tanya