Learning how to argue

[Cristy 4]

The other thing that happens with us is Casey will say sorry and expects it to be over. But I am still holding on to the hurt and anger and can't let it go. So I want to keep talking about what it is that upset me and he is thinking I already said sorry what is she going on about?

Edited September 12, 2006 by cristy

[Mrs.J06 4]

Wow, first of all, thanks so much for everybody's comments so far! I am actually reading this thread taking notes to show Hubby ! Great, keep it coming, folks!

Makes me feel so much better already to know I'm not alone. Welshcookie crashed my theory about it being a male/female thing though... And I'm pretty sure it's not a cultural problem in our case, our cultures are not that different.

Cristy, I'm with you on the saying "sorry and now it's over and done with" thing, too!

*Off to the bookstore to buy Women-Venus/Men-Mars*

[mrsushi66 0]

Have not tried this with my fiance yet but my last long term relationship we had one rule about agruing. We could only argue if we were both in our underwear. You cant believe how hard it is to argue seriously in your underwear. So we would usually break out laughing and then end up talking about it. Once we were done talking we figured what the heck we were half naked anyway why not take advantage of the situation.

Of course this does have one down side, arguing in public can get you arrested!!!!

Paul

[danae 0]

Have not tried this with my fiance yet but my last long term relationship we had one rule about agruing. We could only argue if we were both in our underwear. You cant believe how hard it is to argue seriously in your underwear. So we would usually break out laughing and then end up talking about it. Once we were done talking we figured what the heck we were half naked anyway why not take advantage of the situation.

Of course this does have one down side, arguing in public can get you arrested!!!!

Paul

that is great!

[ChristinaM 0]

"Men/Mars, Women/Venus" is very dry, IMHO. If you're into that kind of thing, there's a much more light-hearted one called "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps" by Allan and Barbara Pease, which is much more fun and equally as informative.

[michellek1976 0]

Glad to see I'm not alone!

I am overly sensitive and take a lot of things the wrong way. I raise my voice, I cry, I slam doors. My fiance runs out of the house to buy chocolate cake from Denny's and comes back when he thinks the coast is clear!

Obviously he can't deal with my emotions and he can't stand the tears!...I feel so abandoned and like he doesn't care when he doesn't stick around to take me on.

After a couple of hours we go back to being nice, we cuddle, we talk about other things - but we both avoid the subject of whatever set me off in the first place!! I don't believe this is particularly healthy because our issues are continually being swept under the carpet.

When I get to the US I'm going to encourage my fiance to start couple counselling with me so we can deal with our recurring issues in a constructive way.

[Cristy 4]

Yeah the whole avoiding thing is what I mean with the sorry thing. Just saying sorry is great but it does not solve the issue. We still have to talk about it and fix it. Saying sorry seems like a cop out to me half the time. It feels more like shut up actually lol.

[Yodrak 7]

Mrs.Johnson,

Interesting that you equate communicating with arguing. In times of disagreement, how about learning how to communicate without arguing?

My ex-wife used to insist on an arguement, no matter what. No way to resolve an issue without having an arguement. One of the reasons why she's ex-.

Yodrak

O.k., this might be a touchy subject to discuss on a public forum, but some people here seem to be able to give great advice in personal matters, so here's mine:

My husband and I are both very happy in our relationship, we have known each other for three years before we got married and generally get along extremely well.

The only real problem we have in our relationship is that we can't argue! Every time we really start fighting about something my husband just runs away, only to be hunted down by me to discuss things. I'm a strong believer in communication, but I'm the only one communicating when we argue (naked truth: I argue with him and he just falls completely silent).

....

Thanks...

[ChristinaM 0]

Yodrak, I understand your point, but aren't some things worth fighting for?

[Mrs.J06 4]

Mrs.Johnson,

Interesting that you equate communicating with arguing. In times of disagreement, how about learning how to communicate without arguing?

My ex-wife used to insist on an arguement, no matter what. No way to resolve an issue without having an arguement. One of the reasons why she's ex-.

Yodrak

O.k., this might be a touchy subject to discuss on a public forum, but some people here seem to be able to give great advice in personal matters, so here's mine:

My husband and I are both very happy in our relationship, we have known each other for three years before we got married and generally get along extremely well.

The only real problem we have in our relationship is that we can't argue! Every time we really start fighting about something my husband just runs away, only to be hunted down by me to discuss things. I'm a strong believer in communication, but I'm the only one communicating when we argue (naked truth: I argue with him and he just falls completely silent).

....

Thanks...

Yodrak,

I'm not sure I understand what you mean, or I probably didn't make myself very clear (that's part of the above mentioned problem, too! )

I didn't think I equated communication with arguing. What I meant is talking to each other (not yelling) while having different opinions on a matter, as opposed to not talking and just evading the issue, apologizing and moving on. Which I think does not really resolve anything and the subject will just come up again and again.

My husband often even doesn't talk enough to help me understand what he feels and why, simply because he doesn't want to hurt me and/or our relationship!

May I ask in which way do you think I equate the two things?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Mrs.Johnson,

Interesting that you equate communicating with arguing. In times of disagreement, how about learning how to communicate without arguing?

My ex-wife used to insist on an arguement, no matter what. No way to resolve an issue without having an arguement. One of the reasons why she's ex-.

Yodrak

What's wrong with arguing? I mean, what's wrong with venting, getting angry and expressing that anger verbally as long as you're not abusive?

Edited September 12, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[Lou Lou 1]

What's wrong with arguing? I mean, what's wrong with venting, getting angry and expressing that anger verbally as long as you're not abusive?

As long as you keep to the subject in hand, don't get personal, and end it quickly and quietly, there is nowt wrong with it. I think in some ways it can be very constructive. And don't argue just because you want to be right

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

Mrs.Johnson,

Interesting that you equate communicating with arguing. In times of disagreement, how about learning how to communicate without arguing?

My ex-wife used to insist on an arguement, no matter what. No way to resolve an issue without having an arguement. One of the reasons why she's ex-.

Yodrak

What's wrong with arguing? I mean, what's wrong with venting, getting angry and expressing that anger verbally as long as you're not abusive?

while the one doing all that doing that might not think such crosses the line, it's all in the perspective of the one listening to it. it's best to remain calm and refrain from such.

[CutienPurg 0]

a couple quotes by Dr Phil I think work in life as well as relationships....

- It's better to be happy than it is to be right

- People do what works

- You teach people how to treat you

..and another that doesn't really apply to relationships but I like it..... You'd worry less about what people think about you , if you realized how little they did.

And no , Im not a daily Phil watcher but now and again I catch him and he has some that just stick with ya.

[PlatyPius 5]

As already mentioned, men tend to wander off and think for a bit if something bothers them or they feel attacked. There are three main reasons that I can think of: feelings of wanting to hurt the other person physically, feelings of wanting to hurt the other person verbally, feelings of being cornered and needing to escape.

It's usually the last one for me. But yet it's also tied in with the second one. If I get defensive/feel cornered, I can - unless I retreat temporarily - completely go off. I don't like doing that, and make it so that it doesn't happen. Luckily, Sian and I are the same. We BOTH retreat. Therefore, we both take a few minutes to calm down, then we discuss whatever it was rationally.

"Arguing" serves no purpose at all. Women can get pretty vile when they're upset (recent events in the ME/NA trainwreck come to mind), and men tend to have a hard time dealing with/understanding that. We get completely overwhelmed. 'How can my beautiful wife, whom I love more than anything, want to hurt me so badly?'

The worst thing you can do is keep pushing it. Giving it a few minutes ultimately helps both of you.

For a lot of men, the woman leaving IS a very real fear. Just look at the divorce rate in the US and the percentage that are initiated by women and you'll get an idea of why.

With that said, I don't know how Sian or I would react if we had a serious arguement. We've only had little disagreements so far, and that includes the dreaded "Money Discussion". I think we'd both wander off for an hour or two and read a book, then come back and discuss it calmly.