Learning how to argue

[Mrs.J06 4]

O.k., this might be a touchy subject to discuss on a public forum, but some people here seem to be able to give great advice in personal matters, so here's mine:

My husband and I are both very happy in our relationship, we have known each other for three years before we got married and generally get along extremely well.

The only real problem we have in our relationship is that we can't argue! Every time we really start fighting about something my husband just runs away, only to be hunted down by me to discuss things. I'm a strong believer in communication, but I'm the only one communicating when we argue (naked truth: I argue with him and he just falls completely silent).

I asked him many times why that is so and he only tells me that once I get mad at him about something he just feels he'd better "get out of the way" before he does something to make me even more angry. Now, that makes me feel like a yelling b***h and I sure hope I'm not! He even told me once that every time we argue (which doesn't happen all that often) he is scared to death to say something "wrong" and I'll just pack my bags and go back to Germany.

I have never, ever in our entire relationship threated anything like that. He knows perfectly well I'd never just leave him for some stupid reason, we've been through quite a bit together already and I'm not the kind of person to just run away from problems, and he admits that he knows that.

Alright, so what can I do? It doesn't seem to get any better. What am I doing wrong to make him shut up? I have to add that his previous marriage was pretty miserable, he (seriously) wasn't allowed to do anything, got yelled at frequently (that might be one reason, but I'm not her!) and eventuelly he found out that wifey had been cheating on him since over a year already, while still living on his money etc. really ugly. I admire him tremendously for having the courage to start over again after all he's been through...

Any advice how I can help him/us to overcome this? I really like the reconciliations but I'd like to be able to have a "cleaning" arguement every once in a while!

Thanks...

[Cristy 4]

We have this issue too. We can't fight. When we argue I never mean it to be a fight. I want to discuss, he wants to get defensive. He either ends up not talking or raising his voice.

We are getting so much better, I stay really calm and say I just want to talk. If he raises his voice, I calmly ask him not to raise his voice to me, and he stops.

It is really important that he does not feel I am attacking him and that I feel safe to talk and like I am being heard.

We both have baggage and mine is being from an abusive relationship so it can be tricky for me sometimes when we argue.

The one rule we both have is never to degrade, put down or name call.

BTW men shutting down is very natural. Read men are from Mars women are from Venus. You will totally understand it lol. They need to retreat when they feel like they can't solve something or like they are being attacked.

Edited September 12, 2006 by cristy

[almaty 19]

never bring up the past...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

In my last significant relationship, we tried couple's therapy on learning how to communicate. Although that relationship didn't pan out... the method the counselor was teaching us was helpful. If I was the one who had an issue I'd ask to talk to her. We'd sit down across from each other, facing one another. Each person takes their turn speaking but keeping it to the subject on hand and without blaming. The listener is suppose to echo back what is being said to them. The emphasis was on actively listening to the other person - and being able to validate what they are saying, even if you don't agree with them. There may not be a resolution beyond just being able to vent and being listened to respectfully.

Edited September 12, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[Fuzzness 2]

communication is the key. allowing your SO to talk about their feelings, and respecting that. and also not being afraid to talk about your feelings. that goes a long way

[Arazia 0]

I think a lot of couples have this problem. Communication isn't always the easiest thing and everyone reacts differently. From what it sounds like, he is afraid of making you more angry or upset and thus doesn't want to say anything. What you could try doing is maybe taking five, ten minutes or so to calm yourself down. Tell him you're upset, but that you're going to go for a walk to get your mind strait, and you want to talk about it then. Come back calm, with your head collected on what you want to say. Try to be clear about why you feel like you do.

Now... my fiancee' and I both have a condition that makes communication hard, so we've had to work twice as hard on it as most other couples. Even so, sometimes we just can't understand each other. It can take a lot of explaining reasons behind things. 'I feel this way when you do that because of this and that and the other thing. I know you didn't -mean- to make me feel like that, but could you try not to do so in the future?' Sometimes what upsets us is a combination of things... 'I'm upset because this and this happened at work, and this happened with mom and dad, and then you did whatever...'. I've found that a lot of times when I'm upset at him, I'm not upset -at- him, but at a bunch of other things where one little thing he does is the last straw.

I wish I had more advice, but we're still learning about this as well. Especially lately with the added stress of the whole visa process. Goodluck...

[ChristinaM 0]

I understand you perfectly - my husband, as sweet and wonderful as he is, is incredibly passive-agressive and non-confrontational. What usually winds up happening is that we muddle on as best we can, but sometimes the manure hits the fan and I shout and he ignores me. Then I get upset because he's ignoring me and it all gets really messy.

The best things I have found are being gentle and kind whilst you're arguing - namecalling and "we'd be OK if only YOU hadn't..." statements are the quickest way to descend into chaos in our household, and I guess we're not alone.

I will be watching this thread with interest, thank you for being so brave Mrs. J.

[CutienPurg 0]

first of all ......are you ladies married to my husband?

Cristy is right , men are good shutter downers when it comes to confrontation at home.

Try making "I" statements rather than " you " statements. Instead of saying something like "YOU never listen to me" try saying " I don't feel like Im being heard"

A practice I heard about years ago and I employ with my children is called " constructive listening "( what I think Steven and Jinky is referring to ). The 1st person speaks while the 2nd person listens. The person talking speaks(not yells) for 5 mins , the person listening may not speak at all , no gesturing or facial expression , no nodding....nothing. After the 5 minutes is up the 2nd person becomes the speaker and they must speak for 5 minutes about what the 1st person said while the 1st person listens without interrupting. Then it starts again with the original roles reversed.

I have my children do this as well, only I only make them speak and listen for 2 minutes and even that's difficult for them. It helps them to listen to and also be able to understand and express their own and another persons feelings. Hopefully it teaches them understanding and empathy.

Well that's my contribution!!

Edited September 12, 2006 by CutienPurg

[rclouse 0]

What do you say to your wife if she has two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

/soooo going to hell

[CutienPurg 0]

/soooo going to hell

yeah ya are!

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

What do you say to your wife if she has two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

/soooo going to hell

run they are coming for you!

[Sister Fracas 5]

What do you say to your wife if she has two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

/soooo going to hell

[Welshcookie 17]

I understand you perfectly - my husband, as sweet and wonderful as he is, is incredibly passive-agressive and non-confrontational.

oooo....I think that is me my hubby is all about talking about stuff as it happens, if something is bothering him he just comes right out and says it....I bottle things up but I am getting much better at this whole 'talking things out' malarky.....I just figured it was cos he was American and all that....

[kirk and Jenny 0]

I saw a great article on this in MSN about 2 days ago. Women like to communicate about problems; men like to go into their caves and figure out the problem and not communicate until they come up with a solution. I will try and bring some stuff up they brought up. Basically, fight fair. (98% of the couples who do not fight fair are divorced within 10 Years)

1. Don't name call.

2. Do not bring up other subjects into the argument.

If more come to me I will post. Remember, it takes 2 to fight fair.

As a side note I think this is a very important subject for this forum. I am staggered by the difficulties cultural differences have made in our relationship. I know I have hurt Jenny very badly, for behavior I feel is innocent. I had been friendly to many women in a non romantic way, and she perceived this as a threat. Here, in the USA it is common. In her space in the Philippines it is unacceptable.

[ChristinaM 0]

@ WelshCake

My husband just says "Whatever" when I ask him to discuss things, and then it comes back to bite me in the azz later.

He also can't argue about anything without feeling it's personal - we can't debate euthanasia, or whether you should be able to choose the sex of your baby, whether the UK should have gone into Iraq with the US, whether the sky is blue or grey... Doesn't matter what it is, he just finds it very scary to argue. It's not a big deal for the small things - I can talk politics with all kinds of people. It is a big deal for the important things though, and it makes life difficult sometimes.

Edited September 12, 2006 by ChristinaM