Supporting Fiancee'

[eekee 182]

SMR, I don't think there's anything WRONG with being a housewife, especially when kids are young. My mother was. My stepmother is. I don't think this girl is a scammer, necessarily, BUT in general, as a woman, I would think less of a woman who spends two weeks with a rich man and allows him to send her money every week while she does nothing. Like Amy said, this sort of behavior runs counter to the FSU cultural values I see among my friends, and is pretty much only seen in a certain kind of a woman, one that I probably wouldn't say very nice things about.

[LvivLovers 39]

The true answer is no one knows for sure! There are some really great women out there and there are some snakes! Only time will tell which one you have. Sounds like you are prepared to deal with whatever happens. Enjoy yourself but keep your guard up and everything will be ok imo.

I sent a LOT of money to my wife before we got married and afterwards while we waited for her visa. At one point before we married, I sent her over 10k in one chunk (for various wedding things)...I'll admit ...I was holding my breath for a bit to see whether or not I would ever hear from her again. I was our moment of truth so to speak. Sure enough, she called and let me know she had received everything. My reasoning was, it would still be cheaper to lose that money right in the beginning and know the truth rather than being deceived...it would have sucked, but the monetary losses definitely would not have been the worst part of it. Luckily, my instincts were right and she was even more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Our wedding was fantastic too I might add and it was well worth it.

As far as work goes...some of my wife's friends from Ukraine have had a hard time finding work. The job situation can be pretty abysmal...but it's all going to depend on who you talk to and what their situation is. For example, I haven't had any problem with finding work here in the USA in the last 10 years and the economy here is fantastic as far as I'm concerned. The other thing I've heard from friends/relatives in Ukraine is that prices on food and everything else have skyrocketed the last few years...many things that my wife used to buy were 3-4 times more expensive on her last visit than they were 3 years ago. So even if your fiancée was able to make her way in the past, she might not be able to now.

It's probably true that if you are supporting her now you should probably expect to continue doing that in the future once she comes here. Maybe she really does want a job, but that still doesn't mean that she will have the drive to do it once she gets here. Anyway, that's nothing really unique to Ukraine...that's just dependent on the person...some women/men expect that the woman will be taken care of by the man and some are more independent.

So the gist of it all is that only you can be the judge, since only you are talking to her and seeing her in person and only you know what your particular situation is. I hope it all works out for you and would love to hear how things go in the future! Good luck!!!

[LvivLovers 39]

- You met on Elena's Models... isn't that one of the scammer filled sites? I didn't meet my SO there so maybe I'm wrong.

I'm sure there are scammers there, but many legitimate girls too. Everyplace is filled with scammers...doesn't matter whether it's a website, a bar, a church, a corporation, or government. You have to keep up your guard constantly...if you don't you are a fool who will soon be parted with their money...plain and simple. Trust no one! For the record, I did meet my wife on EM and many other VJers have as well and been very happy.

[Lena and Igor 5]

I guess the only thing I can say to that is I really don't think she's scamming me, I've spent 2 seperate weeks together, talk often on skype and email daily and you can tell if someone loves you, or is using you. I think if anything, she believes that a man is supposed to support his woman financially. I'm fortunate that I can do it, but time will tell I guess. I have had to stop sending money a few times when I was unable too and she was fine with it. I'd feel better if she did work and I could help her out with some money.

Now that's a hard working woman! Congrats on your approval.

Thanks and good luck in your journey.

[baron555 934]

Again, I apologize for my pessimism about this, BUT:

- She speaks English excellently and can't find a job? BS.

- If she can't/won't find work there, don't expect her to find work in the US... her experience/education will be worth little

- You met on Elena's Models... isn't that one of the scammer filled sites? I didn't meet my SO there so maybe I'm wrong.

- RUB girls are proud and independent. Most won't want to be maintained like that. Of course, given the choice, very few women from any country would reject such a comfy life.

- You say you want to trust her; usually when people are saying that, it's because they feel somewhat forced into trusting because their gut is telling them something's wrong.

IMO, you've seen each other for very little time, and it's easy as heck to lie even through Skype. I'd arrange some more time together before jumping into the marriage.

Again this is all your choice, and you know the situation best. We're not trying to scare you off (especially from having a RUB partner!) but while the majority might be good, there are always bad apples and it's good to be well informed about them (and how they work, no pun intended) before making rash decisions.

No EM is one of the good sites.....there's scammers everywhere. I used EM and did run into a classical scammer; reported her and she was removed.

To me, the age difference is an eyebrow raiser....yes I also have a large gap (not quite as large as the OP) but the age of the woman is a concern for me (if she was in her 30s my thoughts would be different).

Well OP, you still have more time (and you said you are seeing her again) to vet things out. Good luck, really.

[sea-monkey 13]

How much support does the fiancee require?

I wouldn't be able to support my girl. She lives in Moscow and has an $800 apt, drives a late model car, weekly salon visits, etc

Luckily, mine has a well paying job and has been fending for herself since she was 18. I haven't sent a dime nor was asked to. I'm sure she would gladly take any and all if offered

[Brad and Vika 129]

FWIW my wife REFUSED VEHEMENTLY to accept any money from me until we had the NOA2 and then only because we did a budget using BOTH our incomes and both our expenses and all the upcoming expenses of moving THREE people to the USA and I sent her money accordingly and not a penny more. She would not have it any other way. After all, what you don't send now will be here for her when she arrives! Alla mentioned that herself many times..."Don't send more, save it for when we arrive"

THAT is the ultimate sign of sincerity.

My wife refused to take or really even discuss money before she got here. If I sent any, it was usually for something pretty specific (i.e. buy train tickets to Lvov, a vaca to Kemer, or whatever). Not that she is disinterested in our finances at all, she just didn't think my support was necessary that early on. I think that each couple has to reach their own solution to issues like this, and I hope the OP doesn't take offense to the warnings. We have seen loads of situations that didn't work out - all laid out in this forum. Most involved very little time together and regular cash transfers. Just saying

[TBoneTX 45,156]

Mrs. T-B.-to-be never asked for money, no man. I sent her a little, once, when her employer in Ecuador ran into a financial bind and couldn't make payroll. I voluntarily added $20 for an amiga (girlfriend) of Mrs. T-B.-to-be who also worked there and was in even direr straights, and that made a bigger hit with Mrs. T-B.-to-be than the money that I sent to Mrs. T-B.-to-be herself, si man.

Mrs. T-B. did go to Ecuador once, ahead of me (I would join her later), and she called me. She put on her half-mischievous, half-little-girl voice and said, "Sometimes, husbands go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy their wives... a ponytail. [in full sad-little-girl voice] Mine got damaged." Ergothuswithforthly, I went to Sally Beauty Supply, entered hesitantly, paused in bewilderment in view of the alien environment, and asked a saleslady, "Can you please direct me to the Ponytail Department?" She pointed me to a pegboard on the side wall, where I was able (having been thoroughly instructed) to identify, select, and purchase the correct variety of ponytail.

Today, Mrs. T-B. will look at me with the big brown puppy-dog eyes and say, "Cariño [sweetheart]... I have to ask you something," and she'll blink rapidly. Knowing what's coming, I'll say, "How much, Cariño?" She'll get the half-little-girl voice and say, "Only $200, but it's for..." and it will be for something that sounds semi-plausible. I'll invariably agree (sigh, man) to cough up the bucks. She'll hug me and give me a little kiss along with a Level I wedgie (mild), then either say "I love you, Cariño" or (in half-little-girl voice) "Wedgies are a sign of commitment in a marriage." I'll either quit while I'm behind or reply "RUBIAS (blondes) are a sign of commitment, and three of them are committed to seeing me right now. Bye!" and I'll dash out before a Level II (unignorable) or Level III (industrial-strength) wedgie is forthcoming, si man.

Edited June 23, 2011 by TBoneTX

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Mrs. T-B.-to-be never asked for money, no man. I sent her a little, once, when her employer in Ecuador ran into a financial bind and couldn't make payroll. I voluntarily added $20 for an amiga (girlfriend) of Mrs. T-B.-to-be who also worked there and was in even direr straights, and that made a bigger hit with Mrs. T-B.-to-be than the money that I sent to Mrs. T-B.-to-be herself, si man.

Mrs. T-B. did go to Ecuador once, ahead of me (I would join her later), and she called me. She put on her half-mischievous, half-little-girl voice and said, "Sometimes, husbands go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy their wives... a ponytail. [in full sad-little-girl voice] Mine got damaged." Ergothuswithforthly, I went to Sally Beauty Supply, entered hesitantly, paused in bewilderment in view of the alien environment, and asked a saleslady, "Can you please direct me to the Ponytail Department?" She pointed me to a pegboard on the side wall, where I was able (having been thoroughly instructed) to identify, select, and purchase the correct variety of ponytail.

Today, Mrs. T-B. will look at me with the big brown puppy-dog eyes and say, "Cariño [sweetheart]... I have to ask you something," and she'll blink rapidly. Knowing what's coming, I'll say, "How much, Cariño?" She'll get the half-little-girl voice and say, "Only $200, but it's for..." and it will be for something that sounds semi-plausible. I'll invariably agree (sigh, man) to cough up the bucks. She'll hug me and give me a little kiss along with a Level I wedgie (mild), then either say "I love you, Cariño" or (in half-little-girl voice) "Wedgies are a sign of commitment in a marriage." I'll either quit while I'm behind or reply "RUBIAS (blondes) are a sign of commitment, and three of them are committed to seeing me right now. Bye!" and I'll dash out before a Level II (unignorable) or Level III (industrial-strength) wedgie is forthcoming, si man.

OMG they are just like RUB women! Only she calls me "garichka" and calls those her "bloop-bloop" eyes.

[SMR 368]

Mrs. T-B.-to-be never asked for money, no man. I sent her a little, once, when her employer in Ecuador ran into a financial bind and couldn't make payroll. I voluntarily added $20 for an amiga (girlfriend) of Mrs. T-B.-to-be who also worked there and was in even direr straights, and that made a bigger hit with Mrs. T-B.-to-be than the money that I sent to Mrs. T-B.-to-be herself, si man.

Mrs. T-B. did go to Ecuador once, ahead of me (I would join her later), and she called me. She put on her half-mischievous, half-little-girl voice and said, "Sometimes, husbands go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy their wives... a ponytail. [in full sad-little-girl voice] Mine got damaged." Ergothuswithforthly, I went to Sally Beauty Supply, entered hesitantly, paused in bewilderment in view of the alien environment, and asked a saleslady, "Can you please direct me to the Ponytail Department?" She pointed me to a pegboard on the side wall, where I was able (having been thoroughly instructed) to identify, select, and purchase the correct variety of ponytail.

Today, Mrs. T-B. will look at me with the big brown puppy-dog eyes and say, "Cariño [sweetheart]... I have to ask you something," and she'll blink rapidly. Knowing what's coming, I'll say, "How much, Cariño?" She'll get the half-little-girl voice and say, "Only $200, but it's for..." and it will be for something that sounds semi-plausible. I'll invariably agree (sigh, man) to cough up the bucks. She'll hug me and give me a little kiss along with a Level I wedgie (mild), then either say "I love you, Cariño" or (in half-little-girl voice) "Wedgies are a sign of commitment in a marriage." I'll either quit while I'm behind or reply "RUBIAS (blondes) are a sign of commitment, and three of them are committed to seeing me right now. Bye!" and I'll dash out before a Level II (unignorable) or Level III (industrial-strength) wedgie is forthcoming, si man.

One of the best things I ever did for the health of our relationship in terms of financial harmony was to sit down with my wife, tell her that the money was all hers as much as mine, and then explain the budget. The point is, if we can afford the $200 and it's in the budget, she doesn't need my permission. If it's not in the budget, my permission is not going to change that. She wanted me to be the gatekeeper and take the responsibility for the finances. If it's all both of yours to begin with, it's on both of you to be responsible.

[LvivLovers 39]

One of the best things I ever did for the health of our relationship in terms of financial harmony was to sit down with my wife, tell her that the money was all hers as much as mine, and then explain the budget. The point is, if we can afford the $200 and it's in the budget, she doesn't need my permission. If it's not in the budget, my permission is not going to change that. She wanted me to be the gatekeeper and take the responsibility for the finances. If it's all both of yours to begin with, it's on both of you to be responsible.

Exactly our solution. I already have everything I ever wanted. I explained to her she can spend whatever she wants, but when it runs out it runs out. She went through a little bit of spending spree right in the beginning to satisfy some long-time wants, but she's been great with money ever since. We're up to the point now where I've explained all the finances, stock market stuff, and even taxes down to the most minute detail (I've always done my taxes myself even though it takes me 3-4 days to do them each year). I never expected she'd be so quick at picking things up, but luckily she's a smart cookie! Everyone has their own way of approaching things, but this has certainly worked well for us.

[Evgeniya 3]

You would need to provide us with more details of your relationship and it's history and her work history, etc before we can weigh in on will it hurt. It should have no bearing on the approval process but it is unusual. I can't understand why weekly payment are needed versus less frequent. And again, there have been scam cases recently where the lady received monies and then never went to the interview (because then no monies would be needed to be sent). Just trying to protect you; but again, we don't know your story.

Why do you people even care if he provides for his fiancee or not? It is their business. And why are you so ready to pass judgement? You know nothing about their relationship and already make conclusions. Also a woman is not a dog, you can't practice a "treat" technique. You do what I want and you get a treat. What is it about Russian women that makes you think we can be classified as such?

In response to scams, I can assure you there are plenty of stories about Americans who get a girl to the U.S., use her (in a worst case abuse a person) and then kick her out of the country. THIS IS TWO WAY STREET MY FRIENDS.

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

Why do you people even care if he provides for his fiancee or not? It is their business. And why are you so ready to pass judgement? You know nothing about their relationship and already make conclusions. Also a woman is not a dog, you can't practice a "treat" technique. You do what I want and you get a treat. What is it about Russian women that makes you think we can be classified as such?

Take a chill pill. A bit defensive aren't we? Nobody mentioned "Russian" women. :unsure:

In response to scams, I can assure you there are plenty of stories about Americans who get a girl to the U.S., use her (in a worst case abuse a person) and then kick her out of the country. THIS IS TWO WAY STREET MY FRIENDS.

True, but not as many as stories of American men being played for fools by foreign women (not just Russian either).

Edited June 23, 2011 by Eric-Pris

[eekee 182]

Why do you people even care if he provides for his fiancee or not? It is their business. And why are you so ready to pass judgement? You know nothing about their relationship and already make conclusions. Also a woman is not a dog, you can't practice a "treat" technique. You do what I want and you get a treat. What is it about Russian women that makes you think we can be classified as such?

In response to scams, I can assure you there are plenty of stories about Americans who get a girl to the U.S., use her (in a worst case abuse a person) and then kick her out of the country. THIS IS TWO WAY STREET MY FRIENDS.

I would have the same reaction to this situation if the woman was from New Jersey. A golddigger is a golddigger. Only usually, if the girl was from New Jersey, you wouldn't spend two weeks with her and then wire her money every week while she sits around in Hoboken getting her nails done.

I think you are reading something into people's responses that isn't there.

Edited June 23, 2011 by eekee

[Alex & Rachel 78]

I feel any lopsided handling of finances ought to raise some concern, regardless of who/what/where people are from.

I'm the beneficiary (UKC) and before arriving in the US I was actually the one sending money to the petitioner. $500 for filing the visa, and another couple of hundred on a couple of other occasions for presents, etc. Alex had a job, but cost of living was high, and I knew he was struggling to budget for living alone (he had just moved out of his parents' house). Nothing to really worry about...

I sent about $1,200 - what I had managed to save - just before I flew to the US. A week after I arrive, we had this conversation:

Alex: We have $300 left in our bank account.

Me (brightly): Oh, never mind! My money should arrive soon enough.

Alex: ...it already did arrive...

Then, two days after we married, he was laid off. I began work as soon as I received my EAD and I've been supporting him ever since.

He is not a malicious or selfish person. Being incredibly bad with money (and at math) is just about his only flaw. It didn't prevent us from getting married and it hasn't caused me to want to leave him. But, it was a real stress at a time when stress really wasn't needed. It's hard enough to adjust to living in a new country without having to deal with financial issues.

The problem with having sent money was it set a standard. He had grown used to, when he was struggling, being bailed out by either his parents or me. He had grown used to me giving him presents. For the first two years we ignored discussing our finances for the sake of a little peace - which was a bad mistake! Only in the past few months has he really grown to understand what interest rates mean and why it's important to have savings. I only recently discovered exactly how much he has on his credit cards, and I really wish I'd known sooner, because we could have quite easily paid them off by now.

Having him rely on me for money, in addition to the stress, has created a dependency I don't think is entirely healthy. I'm really encouraging him to find a job, not because we are struggling financially, but because he needs to gain some independence. Also, I am tired of sounding like a meanie every time I have to say 'no' to him asking to buy something (he feels that he can't trust himself to check the bank balance and make his own decision - which I at least respect him for admitting!).

Now, if I could do things over again, I'd have not sent any money. I'd have put money into my paypal to be withdrawn once I was in the US. I would have actually sent presents rather than sending him the money to buy presents. I'd have sat down from the start, logged onto mint, and asked for full transparency regarding finances.

So, yes. It's not the nationality of the person, or the amount of money being sent - but any kind of situation where one person is sending money to the other can result in expectations being adjusted accordingly, and form a habit that might be hard to break once you're together. So, what if once she arrives in the US she sees the higher costs of everything, and starts asking for a greater sum on a regular basis? Or what if, for any reason, your income decreases and you can no longer afford the weekly payments? The last thing you want to be arguing about when dealing with the stress of immigration is money.