Supporting Fiancee'

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Never in a million years, no man!

In other news, Mrs. T-B. just today (well, yesterday, now) received her approval letter for the 10-year green card, si man. When I announced this to 5.5-month-old Mini-Bone, he responded with a loud fart. His volume and duration of same are extremely impressive, si man; if he keeps this up, he'll be the star of any fraternity party that he attends in later life.

Boy, ain't THIS the truth, si man.

[TBoneTX 45,288]

At least I remember how to use the dishwasher and the microwave...

But, in similar circumstances, do we remember the phone numbers of all the blondes, huh man?

[clueless_in_usa 8]

Wow, I started this discussion a couple of weeks ago and the replies back were certainly of interest. After reading and thinking things over, I began to become very skeptical of my fiance. We just completed a trip together for a week in Mexico, and I will say, it was a disaster. I think I went in with this in the back of my mind: am I being used or does she really love me. She's led me to believe that she's really not the type of woman to show lots of emotion, such as the typical feelings you have at the beginning of a relationship (can't get enough of each other, wanting to kiss and screw all the time, smiling at each other, your heart skipping a beat when you see each other, etc). Even though I thought her behavior was odd, I accepted it and wanted to be open minded.

Anyway, the week was filled with fighting. It would start with her making me feel like I was always annoying her. I would eventually get pissed, because, #######, we're here together, no one should feel like that. All I was trying to do was know her better, and create a stronger bond or whatever. I've been married before, and have many relationships over my 46 years, so I can say with certainty, this was the strangest way to ever be treated. She's very good at turning the situation around to make me feel like I'm over reacting, or as she puts it "drama". I've learned she's pretty good at this.

Anyway, all week long she's checking her email and facebook page from my laptop. Not just once a day, but 5 or more times. That really isn't so unordinary I guess, but I still thought it was something that made me uncomfortable. At the end we parted, made up for the fights, got laid (although I've never seen a woman run so fast to shower after sex in my life, does sperm eat through Ukrainain skin or something? anyways...) When I got home, I opened up my laptop and her facebook page was still open and online! Holy #######, I said, this is not right to look and besides it's in Russian which I know not how to speak, but I was still curious. I opened up her photos and man she has maybe over 1000 pictures of HERSELF in there. There must be at least 6-8 different places, Thailand, Jamaica, Kiev, DR, and some I can only guess. I saw our 2 trips, not one photo of the two of us anywhere. I know she's a camera fiend (everywhere we go - take picture!) All I could think of was how much I hated taking those 400 pictures on our March trip and under protest, she only got about 150 on this trip. AND, those other poor bastards that took all those other photos! And the money they spend taking her on trips, although thank god none were during our time since meeting, so that made me feel good. lol. Next thing I did was discover that these wonderful computers can interpret russian facebook conversations! And my worst fears were answered, she's communicating with many men in Russia, some of the conversations are not a big deal, but there were at least three that I saw (I can't spend forever there) with talking of meeting these guys, all within the last month or so. So I apparently have my answer: Yes this girl is scamming me, and no she probably doesn't love you. A real kick in the balls but better to know now.

I know she still wants to get to the US, and get her greencard, but I know she'd never be true to me. OK, now is there anywhere here that wants to show me another point of view, something I'm not thinking of, like, no #######, it's very possible she loves you and wants to spend her life with you, she's just using facebook to fill the void when you're not there....anyone?

Against my better judgment I am going to write a short summary of my own experience, as a counter-argument to everybody else's opinions here. If my wife finds out that I am writing about our private life in a public forum, I will be in trouble for the longest time

Anyway, my wife is a very private person in regards to her relationship with me. She is also 20-something and I am 40-something. Suffice to say that our age difference is somewhere between 15 to 20 years. Due to her age, her behavior in Internet has been the biggest source of contention in our relationship. Since the beginning no photos together were allowed in Internet and she only changed her status to married a few months after our wedding and only because I asked her to do so. I know for a fact that she told anybody who asked that she did it because she wanted to be left alone by annoying men.

On the flip side, outside her Internet oddities, this is the most loving woman I have ever been with. She has many male "friends" in Internet, but she never went anywhere with anybody but me, either before or after our relationship started. I also thought that she was not proud of her husband, due to her behavior in Internet, but she makes up in private her apparent lack of emotions in public. Recently I was in the hospital and she got very angry with me because I suggested the idea to invite my mother to take care of me while she worked.

There are clear differences between my story and the story above. These differences may be the reason why I consider my relationship a success, while I have my doubts about the girl described here. When my wife is with me, she's with me 100%. No email, no vkontakte, and no phone whatsoever. I do the same when I am with her. Mi wife always worked (even now) and always refused any money offer I made. She's now my wife and it is still difficult for her to accept financial help from me.

If I were you, I would stop the dependency immediately and would observe her behavior afterwards. One thing that worked wonders in my relationship was to tell her clearly the consequences of her odd behavior in Internet. Slowly but surely my wife has matured and Internet is becoming irrelevant for her. And everyday we spend together our relation becomes stronger and better than I ever imagined.

I have to say that it was not easy, especially due to her age. For the longest time she was clueless about the damage she was causing to her marriage due to her behavior in Internet. However, the more I help her understand how I feel about some of her immature behavior, the more she commits to making her best effort to show me that I am the only man in her life and the man she wants to be very happy with for years to come.

OP: Heed the advice given to you, but remember that only you know the details of your relationship, so only you will be able to decide what is the best course of action. I would tell her clearly that she has some serious explaining to do, and base on her behavior I would slowly make decisions accordingly.

The key word being "slowly."

If I had made rash decisions in my situation based on uncomfortable behavior she exhibited when she did not know better, I would have probably missed the best months of my life so far.

[LvivLovers 39]

I haven't been here in a bit...this thread has gotten a lot more interesting.

K & S, sorry to hear about your situation. It's a tough position to be in to have invested so much in a relationship and to have doubts as to whether it's genuine or not. If you don't mind being sneaky, create a profile with a hot guy on the site she uses and write to her. Then perhaps you'll have some insight into if she is really committed to you or not and how she operates.

As far as photos go...oh man...no one takes more photos than my wife. No one. Upwards of 1,000 photos per day on vacation...that's not including video. Hell, I probably even have 1,000+ photos of her while she is making video! Just dropped 3k+ for a better camera on the 4th...be glad if your fiancee/wife is just making you take photos on a point-and-shoot! I always joke with her that she left out of her profile the part about her match must be willing to be a professional photographer. That said, she's got lots of pictures of just her, or her with her pets, but plenty with me as well that she posts. If she's not proud to show you as her man, I would be concerned. Her behavior in private would be another reason to be concerned...if you are really in love with/attracted to someone, wouldn't you be all over them?

[LvivLovers 39]

Never in a million years, no man!

In other news, Mrs. T-B. just today (well, yesterday, now) received her approval letter for the 10-year green card, si man. When I announced this to 5.5-month-old Mini-Bone, he responded with a loud fart. His volume and duration of same are extremely impressive, si man; if he keeps this up, he'll be the star of any fraternity party that he attends in later life.

Boy, ain't THIS the truth, si man.

Congrats! Mine is going to be very popular as well...I swear if I connected a chanter to him I could probably play him as a bagpipe.

[LvivLovers 39]

Well, not to Hijack K & S's thread, but I withdrew my K 1 petition on June 23. I am not sure on all the reasons or if they are true, but what I do know is Olya and I are done! K & S, use your head and temper your heart. Only you will know what is right for you. You are in the situation and have all the information. Everyone here has experienced something and they are giving you their advice. Not to say it is the same situation as you. You have the only say so. As for me, I am not new to RUB women and I can honestly say I did not expect this to happen to me this time. Oh well, I am not one to cry over spilled milk. I have already moved on and I am going to Ukraine next month! Looks like a trip to Odessa and Donetsk. Gary are you coming along for the memories. It is like the Russians and Ukrainians tell me, "It is life and it happens, but we still have to live." So now I choose to live and be happy and whatever happens, happens. Don't cry for me, because I will be just fine.

P.S. I am not going back to Russia!!! I should have stayed in Ukraine. Ok changing my flag.

Sorry to hear about it, but if something is wrong, the earlier the better. Sounds like you are wise enough to know to get right back on that horse because the woman you seek is out there...and in Ukraine! Just out of curiosity...what were your warning signs?

[LvivLovers 39]

The very simple test -

"Would I do this with a chick here?"

If you answer no, then don't do it with her either.

Good test.

[ONA 133]

Anyway, my wife is a very private person in regards to her relationship with me. She is also 20-something and I am 40-something. Suffice to say that our age difference is somewhere between 15 to 20 years. Due to her age, her behavior in Internet has been the biggest source of contention in our relationship. Since the beginning no photos together were allowed in Internet and she only changed her status to married a few months after our wedding and only because I asked her to do so. I know for a fact that she told anybody who asked that she did it because she wanted to be left alone by annoying men.

I'm a "20-something", but I posted a whole bunch of my fiance's pictures (and his family) and I have us together as my profile pic on my vkontakte page and him wearing his Russian hat as my profile pic on my FB page...

I do have male friends, but I've known them since high school and most of them are either married or date somebody. And they all know about my fiance and some of them have met him. Those, who haven't met him yet, ask me though "when are we gonna drink with him?" i mean... what else can they say after listening to me, when every other sentence i say to them starts with "my fiance...", "oh, by the way, my fiance", "did you know that Andrew (my fiance)...?"

That's why I found what the OP said before about her communication online pretty surprising.

[Captain Hammer 113]

I think the big take away here is that the flow of money to her needs to stop. If it's a real relationship, this won't be a deal killer. If she breaks up over money, then you're better off knowing that now. In my mind at least, it really is that simple. (ok I know...love isn't ever simple. But if you're looking for a litmus test, this is the one.)

[K & S 0]

I do agree. I think I'll know more from her reaction. But then if she says fine and still doesn't start working, I'll have to assume she's getting funded elsewhere. In any case, I shouldn't ever have to wonder if she really loves me, not at this point in the relationship, and many times I do.

[baron555 934]

I do agree. I think I'll know more from her reaction. But then if she says fine and still doesn't start working, I'll have to assume she's getting funded elsewhere. In any case, I shouldn't ever have to wonder if she really loves me, not at this point in the relationship, and many times I do.

Steve, please read my comments below. I agree with the money test and it is really a problem you started on your own with her. Also read my comments relative to my relationship and how my wife dealt with the "announcement" of us as a couple. You have already spent the money for the K-1 petition, so you have many months before you have to invest in anything else, i.e. money for the medical and the interview fee. Read how my relationship with my fiancee at the time and now my wife changed throughout the visa process......keep in mind we only met in person for 10 days before deciding to become engaged and pursue the K-1.

I think the big take away here is that the flow of money to her needs to stop. If it's a real relationship, this won't be a deal killer.

I agree. My wife was all distraught when I bought her plane tickets back to Moscow when we met for 10 days in Kiev. She had originally planned to take the train but decided she needed to get back after our meeting, quickly. She didn't have the money and I did. She started to cry outside the Aeroflot office and later told me she was just taken over with emotion with the thought that she would be totally helpless to provide income for herself if she came to the US. We talked it out. She did pay for her train trip to Kiev and I never offered to reimburse her; she was making decent money in Moscow and would never have accepted it.

Anyway, my wife is a very private person in regards to her relationship with me. She is also 20-something and I am 40-something. Suffice to say that our age difference is somewhere between 15 to 20 years. Due to her age, her behavior in Internet has been the biggest source of contention in our relationship. Since the beginning no photos together were allowed in Internet and she only changed her status to married a few months after our wedding and only because I asked her to do so. I know for a fact that she told anybody who asked that she did it because she wanted to be left alone by annoying men.

On the flip side, outside her Internet oddities, this is the most loving woman I have ever been with. She has many male "friends" in Internet, but she never went anywhere with anybody but me, either before or after our relationship started. I also thought that she was not proud of her husband, due to her behavior in Internet, but she makes up in private her apparent lack of emotions in public. Recently I was in the hospital and she got very angry with me because I suggested the idea to invite my mother to take care of me while she worked.

20 somethings are more Internet savvy and trained than 30 year old's; my wife is one of the latter. When we both came back from Kiev, having agreed to pursue the K-1, we both only told very close family and very close friends. In our special case, with her pursuing the adoption within the Russian Adoption system, of the child she was the legal guardian, there was never an assurance that she could do that and if she could not, she couldn't become his official mother and therefore not bring him over as a K-2 and therefore wouldn't have come over and our relationship would have ended.

So there was no big announcement, in the beginning.

Also, there were all the uncertainties we had with our own relationship with each other and the entire K-1 process.......it wasn't until we had the NOA2 approval that our relationship took a big big turn.

We never used the Love word with each other until after that.........it was a milestone to us......that we actually could get the visa....there never was a question in our minds that we had a true relationship and that we both would work at it to make it last as forever as we could. We never had a doubt about our committment to each other.

And, it wasn't until she actually made it on the plane over her, that she went totally "public" with her new relationship, with both women and men she has kept in contact with. I have met many of them via Skype and all are very happy for us and for her. I also did the same with my extended family and other acquaintances and work friends.

It seems that you two do have doubts.

Take the next bunch of months to do your tests with each other and to keep learning about each other.

I can understand your concern since she is probably very beautiful, as most normal FSU gals are and you are concerning about the age difference. That, manifesting itself with the Internet differences, can be a show stopper or it can not be.....you two, together, can only make that decision. Good Luck.

[clueless_in_usa 8]

I opened up her photos and man she has maybe over 1000 pictures of HERSELF in there. There must be at least 6-8 different places, Thailand, Jamaica, Kiev, DR, and some I can only guess. I saw our 2 trips, not one photo of the two of us anywhere. I know she's a camera fiend (everywhere we go - take picture!) All I could think of was how much I hated taking those 400 pictures on our March trip and under protest, she only got about 150 on this trip. AND, those other poor bastards that took all those other photos! And the money they spend taking her on trips, although thank god none were during our time since meeting, so that made me feel good. lol.

Maybe she was able to complete all those trips for free by joining a site like THIS

As an example, this woman. Or this one, who guarantees a great time traveling together.

[baron555 934]

Maybe she was able to complete all those trips for free by joining a site like THIS

As an example, this woman. Or this one, who guarantees a great time traveling together.

My wife has a similar travel background; all paid by herself, many times part of a Russian travel trip company excursion.

Those are really not too expensive, all things considered. I wuoldn't weigh into that fact too much except to say she has travelled.

Maybe your fiancee is right; you are the "problem" in your relationship.

Sounds like you two need to have some serious discussion about your future together, or not.

Until she has the visa in hand, nothing can be taken for granted; and that's why my wife and I didn't go about announcing to the world. She may have similar considerations.

Maybe the age difference....i.e. what people do at certain ages (especially in these days) is a big difference to you two.

Have you met her family and friends? Or have you two only take vacation trips together?

Have you been to her hometown?

[tom&tanya 48]

"I agree. My wife was all distraught when I bought her plane tickets back to Moscow when we met for 10 days in Kiev. She had originally planned to take the train but decided she needed to get back after our meeting, quickly. She didn't have the money and I did. She started to cry outside the Aeroflot office and later told me she was just taken over with emotion with the thought that she would be totally helpless to provide income for herself if she came to the US. We talked it out. She did pay for her train trip to Kiev and I never offered to reimburse her; she was making decent money in Moscow and would never have accepted it."

This reminds me so much of my wife's reaction. When we decided to get the K-1 visa I offered to help her each month. She was working 7 days a week, most days more than 10 hours a day. She thanked me and her answer was: " For me to take money from a man would be as if I was married to him already, and we are not married yet" This blew me away. This then led to a conversation where she shared her fear that she would be totally reliant on me for everything when she came to the USA. She was three years out of a really bad marriage to her first husband. I made a promise to her that I would help her get on her feet here as soon as I could and she could make her own money. I always keep my promises to her. My experience with RUB women has shown me if they don't respect you, they can't love you.

My two cents for what it's worth to the OP: If you have constant doubts, they are most likely correct. VJ is littered with stories of men (and women) who didn't listen to that little voice inside.

[K & S 0]

Steve, please read my comments below. I agree with the money test and it is really a problem you started on your own with her. Also read my comments relative to my relationship and how my wife dealt with the "announcement" of us as a couple. You have already spent the money for the K-1 petition, so you have many months before you have to invest in anything else, i.e. money for the medical and the interview fee. Read how my relationship with my fiancee at the time and now my wife changed throughout the visa process......keep in mind we only met in person for 10 days before deciding to become engaged and pursue the K-1.

I agree. My wife was all distraught when I bought her plane tickets back to Moscow when we met for 10 days in Kiev. She had originally planned to take the train but decided she needed to get back after our meeting, quickly. She didn't have the money and I did. She started to cry outside the Aeroflot office and later told me she was just taken over with emotion with the thought that she would be totally helpless to provide income for herself if she came to the US. We talked it out. She did pay for her train trip to Kiev and I never offered to reimburse her; she was making decent money in Moscow and would never have accepted it.

20 somethings are more Internet savvy and trained than 30 year old's; my wife is one of the latter. When we both came back from Kiev, having agreed to pursue the K-1, we both only told very close family and very close friends. In our special case, with her pursuing the adoption within the Russian Adoption system, of the child she was the legal guardian, there was never an assurance that she could do that and if she could not, she couldn't become his official mother and therefore not bring him over as a K-2 and therefore wouldn't have come over and our relationship would have ended.

So there was no big announcement, in the beginning.

Also, there were all the uncertainties we had with our own relationship with each other and the entire K-1 process.......it wasn't until we had the NOA2 approval that our relationship took a big big turn.

We never used the Love word with each other until after that.........it was a milestone to us......that we actually could get the visa....there never was a question in our minds that we had a true relationship and that we both would work at it to make it last as forever as we could. We never had a doubt about our committment to each other.

And, it wasn't until she actually made it on the plane over her, that she went totally "public" with her new relationship, with both women and men she has kept in contact with. I have met many of them via Skype and all are very happy for us and for her. I also did the same with my extended family and other acquaintances and work friends.

It seems that you two do have doubts.

Take the next bunch of months to do your tests with each other and to keep learning about each other.

I can understand your concern since she is probably very beautiful, as most normal FSU gals are and you are concerning about the age difference. That, manifesting itself with the Internet differences, can be a show stopper or it can not be.....you two, together, can only make that decision. Good Luck.

Phil, you've got great insight on this. There's parts of your story that ring true for me. Time will tell where things will land, and thanks once again for the advise. BTW, physical beauty only gets you in the door. Inner beauty is what counts.