My Journey might be over

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Just out of curiosity and you don’t have to respond.

- How did you guys meet?

- How long did you two know each other before getting married?

- How long had she lived in US before you guys got married?

- Was it the first time she came to US when you guys were getting married?

Read the timeline in his signature. They married in Vietnam. They fought for 3 1/2 years to get a visa. For the overwhelming majority of Vietnamese, entering the US with a fiancee or spousal visa is the first time they ever set foot in the US. Getting here any other way is extraordinarily difficult.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

If you have to shower someone with money to have them stay with you, then your doing it wrong.

I don't think you get it at all. My point is, people who are struggling financially shouldn't get into this sort of thing. It's a recipe for disaster. Since 2006 I have watched one couple after another bust up where the man, who was the USA citizen, clearly was not well off and had very little money, if not any.

Finances matter. They can kill of any union. Love does not conquer all.

Forgive me for trying to make that point in a diplomatic way.

And considering how well my wife and I get along these days, I think I am doing it right, thank you very much.

We also had an advantage in that we met in France. Then I went back when she was in Germany. then I went to Vietnam for nearly a month. All between we talked daily. We saw each other much more than most here and STILL it wasn't enough, in my view. We are fortunate that we worked through the difficult first year and a half. This ain't easy, as many of you know.

Edited June 9, 2011 by Matt_Stevens

[utst10 0]

Love is a 2 way street. Make sure you pay attention to her.

For the first 6 months, I went to bed around 1 am and get up at 6:30 am to go to work...that was really rough!

When my wife got her, she told me after one month she felt like her hands and feet were cut off.

She was a very independent girl living in Saigon. She have adjusted nicely now that she is driving.

[Nero 17]

Strangers? Far from... Many in the VN regional have known each other for years and helping each other out is normal.. we are a group of friends... When my wife almost died from H1N1 a couple of years ago it was a VJ member that offered to get the medicine to her that was not easy to come by at the time in VN... some great people here to say the least.. :thumbs:

Well I still agree that the sense of community and friendship is commendable.

[Khổ Quá 0]

Thank you everyone for the advice, support, and offers to help.

I don't think we can save the relationship. Too much time passed from the filing until the visa. She doesn't love me. Maybe she thought it would change once she got here, but it didn't.

Anyway, We both want each other to be happy. I guess I'll let her go. She's a good woman and there aren't any bad feeling between us. I just wish it didn't go down like this.

Dạy con từ thủa còn thơ, dạy vợ từ thủa bơ vơ mới về.

http://vn.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080418011741AAGRQOp

Don't understand? Try a VNese translator.

Good luck, Kevin!

Edited June 9, 2011 by Kho Qua

[ScottThuy 140]

My wife has said this about my son...

[Kevin and 10]

I'll know in a couple days what's going on. I'm still going there to talk, but Tuyen still needs a little time to sort things out. At least she's talking to me now.

I screwed up too. She wouldn't open up and tell me what was wrong, so I gave up and didn't push the issue far enough to find out.

[Khổ Quá 0]

I'm no expert in family relationship and/or therapy but here's my 2©:

In Vnese, they often say the 2 people, as in husband and wife, stay together as a couple when the following 2 things still exist in that relationship (both must exist, not just one or the other): tình(love) & nghĩa (there's no word for this in English). Often people start drifting apart when the second element (nghĩa) is no longer present in their daily life (the longer you two live together, the more "nghĩa" will be established and strengthened as well). That might explain why lots of wives of "cheating" hubbies (Senator John Edwards' wife is one example) still stood behind and supported them after their horrible acts went public. (this doesn't infer you're cheating, just an example)

Therefore, I'd advise you to look at "nghĩa" element in your relationship. Does she still "care" about this element in your relationship? If none exists, I think you're in serious trouble. The "love" element is quite simple to correct (Viagra, more together time, etc) but I'm afraid the "nghĩa" one is otherwise.

End of my 2©

Edited June 10, 2011 by Khổ Quá

[james&nicole 2]

I'll know in a couple days what's going on. I'm still going there to talk, but Tuyen still needs a little time to sort things out. At least she's talking to me now.

I screwed up too. She wouldn't open up and tell me what was wrong, so I gave up and didn't push the issue far enough to find out.

Good luck, you are in a tough spot. I wish the best for you two. Just a thought, but it might be good for you to take a step away from her, your family and all of this, take a day to reflect on yourself. What do you want, need, etc. Relationships are thought of as 50-50, but really its more like 100%-100%. Both need total commitments to make it work. Sometimes we can spend so much time working on keeping the technical aspects of the relationship going that we forget the heart and soul of it all. You can build a house but that doesn't make it a home. I'm hoping for the best for you and yours.

[joenlemy 2]

My wife can be the same way. Quiet and Moody. . .Nothing wrong with that. It's part of who she is. But she knows quiet dont cut it, and talking while your upset can only make things worse... Growing pains, can be fun.

Dont beat yourself up. Best of luck to the 2 of you!!!

[luckytxn 2,264]

I'll know in a couple days what's going on. I'm still going there to talk, but Tuyen still needs a little time to sort things out. At least she's talking to me now.

I screwed up too. She wouldn't open up and tell me what was wrong, so I gave up and didn't push the issue far enough to find out.

I had the same problem. My babe would never tell me what was wrong even though I knew something was. It used to take forever and persistence to get her to tell me. (Many times it was nothing I did wrong) Now after all this time she doesn't make me work so hard at trying to find out what is wrong and tells me right away and usually she just tells me right out right away now without me even realizing anything is wrong.

It is very hard for us to help and be there when we don't know what is needed. I have found other VN babes also this way but don't know if all are and it is customary. I am very happy that you have gotten her to talk. This is a huge beginning for you both. The road may still be long and bumpy but at the very least you deserve after all you have done to have her talk to you and tell you to your face. God bless you both.

[ScottThuy 140]

I'm no expert in family relationship and/or therapy but here's my 2©:

In Vnese, they often say the 2 people, as in husband and wife, stay together as a couple when the following 2 things still exist in that relationship (both must exist, not just one or the other): tình(love) & nghĩa (there's no word for this in English). Often people start drifting apart when the second element (nghĩa) is no longer present in their daily life (the longer you two live together, the more "nghĩa" will be established and strengthened as well). That might explain why lots of wives of "cheating" hubbies (Senator John Edwards' wife is one example) still stood behind and supported them after their horrible acts went public. (this doesn't infer you're cheating, just an example)

Therefore, I'd advise you to look at "nghĩa" element in your relationship. Does she still "care" about this element in your relationship? If none exists, I think you're in serious trouble. The "love" element is quite simple to correct (Viagra, more together time, etc) but I'm afraid the "nghĩa" one is otherwise.

End of my 2©

I had the same problem. My babe would never tell me what was wrong even though I knew something was. It used to take forever and persistence to get her to tell me. (Many times it was nothing I did wrong) Now after all this time she doesn't make me work so hard at trying to find out what is wrong and tells me right away and usually she just tells me right out right away now without me even realizing anything is wrong.

It is very hard for us to help and be there when we don't know what is needed. I have found other VN babes also this way but don't know if all are and it is customary. I am very happy that you have gotten her to talk. This is a huge beginning for you both. The road may still be long and bumpy but at the very least you deserve after all you have done to have her talk to you and tell you to your face. God bless you both.

Same same.. not different.

Thuy often gets moody or frustrated and doesnt want to talk in depth about things.. If I push too hard I get frustrated ecause she isnt ready to talk.. If I push too soft she thinks I dont care.. Its a dance of sorts.. finding that magic amount of persistence that shows you care without going overboard... over time you two will find that groove and things will be groovy again..

Edited June 10, 2011 by ScottThuy

[quann 26]

viet have too many sayings and metaphors to explain stuff...duyen no, tinh nghia...should just stop wasting time and tell us what's wrong!

i eventually just beat it out of my fiancee ...j/k! usually she won't tell me ("it's nothing concerning u"...then why won't u tell me!), then i get frustrated, then i get mad at her...then she tries to make peace and in the end she forgot what the problem was to begin with...bleh.

and this is viet on viet, i can understand the frustration of our american brethren in the forum.

Edited June 11, 2011 by quann

[Dan Nguyen 3]

Does this áo dài make me look fat?

No, being fat makes you look fat.

Sorry, I just had to put that in.

[johncali9 6]

Her brother lived in MN until about 4 years ago. The transition would have been a lot easier if he hadn't moved, but that's the breaks. I am more than willing to move out there for her. I wanted her to live here for a little while to get to know my family more. She seems angry at me, but won't tell me why. She told my Mom she can't come back, but won't say why.

Hey kavin,

sorry to hear that,i do not think ,you guy can work out together ( i see this in my life) let she's go ,