My Journey might be over

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Many people here (all throughout Visajourney) can typically be delusional. I was at times. Most are not well off. Many are so so financially and thinking you can bring a gal from the other side of the world to the middle of Nowhere USA is kind of silly. It is VERY difficult to make it work, especially if you are not able to shower her with shopping money. Rule of thumb is, if you cannot afford to go overseas twice a year for two weeks at least each trip, you can't afford to bring your girl here. You are asking for trouble. Many do make it, of course, but it takes work, luck and sometimes faith. The love has to be strong.

Suffering through so many troubles with regards to a visa, as in this case, will take its toll emotionally.

Kevin, if you do go to see her, make sure you are not alone. Do not see her without witnesses who are friendly to you. For your own protection. You don't know what is going on in her mind.

You may just have to let her go. As awful as that sounds. I truly do wish you well.

A movie that made me laugh and makes many in our situation laugh (uncomfortably) is Mail Order Wife. It's a mockumentary and I urge everyone to check it out. Just trust me. Only WE can get this movie. My wife found it to be eye opening at times, actually identifying with the girl.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377088/

Edited June 9, 2011 by Matt_Stevens

[tanstaafl 1]

That is a danger for you. Many Asian girls start stating such things in preparation of filing for citizenship based upon being a battered woman. I hope to hell that is not it in your case, but I know someone it happened to and it was beyond stunning to everyone. She got away with it too. Despite the mountain of evidence she was a liar.

Tuyen may have gone home and found that she just missed the way things were too much. Many girls, especially those who were not college educated and who have not traveled outside of Vietnam cannot adjust to the mind blowing difference in the way of life here. MN is not exactly L.A. or NYC and in the mind of 95% of the Viet girls, they think that is what America is like.

My wife nearly went home in the first year here because she hated it so much. It was nothing like she expected, despite her having traveled to Japan and across Europe. With all her education and experience, she was not even close to being prepared. Her expectations were wildly insane.

Only when we moved to NYC did things improve.

How ironic that when she goes to visit her family in Saigon she is wishing to go back to NYC within hours of arriving. The heat, pollution, low class bribery BS and other such things inherent in Vietnamese culture just irks the hell out of her now.

Matt

Right now I'm just hoping that my situation would be the same as yours. My wife already hated moving here to the States when we've been experiencing the NVC process. Like yours, she's highly educated and experienced with traveling across Asia and Europe, full of expectations and ambitions. We've been arguing a lot in terms of whether I should be relocating to VN or she should be in the US. If last May she didn't get pink then she would have more legit reasons to pressure me.

Your last part is pretty interesting. I guess once she gets adjusted here she'll like it. She's so sick of having to deal with corruptions of local officials here in VN already.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Kevin, I'm 30 minutes from San Jose. You're welcome to stay here. We've got a few cars so transportation won't be a problem. Phuong and her family would be happy to help you figure out what's going on. PM me if you need anything.

[stronger 43]

Kevin, I'm 30 minutes from San Jose. You're welcome to stay here. We've got a few cars so transportation won't be a problem. Phuong and her family would be happy to help you figure out what's going on. PM me if you need anything.

Wow! I am moved by your offer to a stranger. Beautiful really.

[astrlsrfr 1]

I am saddened by this. I don't know you but I can see from your history and from the poo-bah's commentary that you've been thru a lot. On a positive note - I think its great that the bond you have developed with other VJ members and forged along your journey is providing you at least little backstop here.

I concur its time for a last ditch full-court-press.. you have simply invested way too much to just give up. I recommend being strong & firm, but communicative & understanding. Let her know how hurt you are, and get her to open up about what is the problem. (I'm gonna assume now its an isolation issue) Tell her that you are sympathetic to what she is going thru. Tell her there is always other towns & cities and that you are willing to make such sacrifices for her. She will respect you at a minimum, she will break down & melt in your arms at a maximum.

My thoughts on the general isolation issue are as follows.... One thing I have discussed heavily with my honey is that I intend for us to live a country lifestyle when raising our family. I don't want to raise my children in an unnatural, polluted, crowded environment. That said.. we will initially live in the beautiful city of SUN Diego, where there is a very large Vietnamese culture with endless spectacular VN cuisine, VN stores, VN nail salons, VN temples, yadda yadda yadda. After some transition period.. We will be making a move to that country lifestyle and we have openly discussed the implications of this. She is from the country herself.. and she is very family focused. I think pets / kids / my or her family visiting (she has some distant relatives in other states) / skype vid chats to her family / road trips to see my family or some of her family in other states.. all these things are, in my mind, necessities to help her make the move to country living. I would never plan to bring her to a country home without her being on board with that and having her fully understand all the implications of that.

I hope it works out for you. But if, in the end it doesn't... remember that this too shall pass. If there is one thing I have learned in my many travels around the world... the world is FULL of beautiful, decent, loving women just waiting to be loved.

[Daniel&Theary 30]

I know I am a little late to the talk but i will give you my advice IF YOU LOVE HER GET YOUR #### ON A PLANE you have some wonderful people offering to help you take them up on it.

[A and T 82]

Many people here (all throughout Visajourney) can typically be delusional. I was at times. Most are not well off. Many are so so financially and thinking you can bring a gal from the other side of the world to the middle of Nowhere USA is kind of silly. It is VERY difficult to make it work, especially if you are not able to shower her with shopping money. Rule of thumb is, if you cannot afford to go overseas twice a year for two weeks at least each trip, you can't afford to bring your girl here. You are asking for trouble. Many do make it, of course, but it takes work, luck and sometimes faith. The love has to be strong.

Suffering through so many troubles with regards to a visa, as in this case, will take its toll emotionally.

Kevin, if you do go to see her, make sure you are not alone. Do not see her without witnesses who are friendly to you. For your own protection. You don't know what is going on in her mind.

You may just have to let her go. As awful as that sounds. I truly do wish you well.

A movie that made me laugh and makes many in our situation laugh (uncomfortably) is Mail Order Wife. It's a mockumentary and I urge everyone to check it out. Just trust me. Only WE can get this movie. My wife found it to be eye opening at times, actually identifying with the girl.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377088/

" if you are not able to shower her with shopping money. Rule of thumb is, if you cannot afford to go overseas twice a year for two weeks at least each trip, you can't afford to bring your girl here."

If you have to shower someone with money to have them stay with you, then your doing it wrong.

[Usui Takumi 1,562]

You're right. That's the only way I will know.

Good luck, I hope things work out. It sounds like things are getting confused because of the distance.

[dtc 1]

well kevin, just go down to SJ and see wut up with your wife, if she love ya enough you 2 will work things out , if not just cut your loss and look 4 anather wife. she will not be doing this if she love you enough. am from vietnam , i know that it hard for people from my country to made adjustment to life in america , yet she must deal with that if she love you. it took me a while to deal with culture shock when i first come to the us , yet i done it ,your wife being selfish man.

the day that i met my wife i told her that she can either stay home and starve , or follow me to the us and work , if we lucky we will go back to vietnam when we hit 55, to the village that we actually come from and retire . i told her that the us is a tough place to live , full of hard work and the like ,yet she willing to put up with that. i told her the truth so she will know what await her in the us ,so she not gonna run her #### off on me when she get here.

a lot of women from my country think that life in other countries are easy , every years many of them married korean, taiwanese men and follow them to their country , most of those women end up nothing more than a sex slave , what a bunch of dumbass. while i know it wrong to say bad thing about my own people these are the truth , i must put this out here so those of us who have kids will teach em to be wiser.

Edited June 9, 2011 by dtc

[homme 0]

Since she wants to go home so bad, grant her wish and divorce her. And send her packing, she has wasted a lot of your time and money. So many other women out there that would not act this way you just have to keep trying

Agree 100%. been there and done that 11 yrs ago. If a woman truly love you, no matter where you live, she will follow you, even to the jungle.

[Harsh_77 718]

Just out of curiosity and you don’t have to respond.

- How did you guys meet?

- How long did you two know each other before getting married?

- How long had she lived in US before you guys got married?

- Was it the first time she came to US when you guys were getting married?

[ScottThuy 140]

Wow! I am moved by your offer to a stranger. Beautiful really.

Strangers? Far from... Many in the VN regional have known each other for years and helping each other out is normal.. we are a group of friends... When my wife almost died from H1N1 a couple of years ago it was a VJ member that offered to get the medicine to her that was not easy to come by at the time in VN... some great people here to say the least.. :thumbs:

[Little_My 464]

OP - I am sorry to hear about your situation even though I don't know anything about your past or your relationship. I would echo many of the previous posters in saying that if you do really still love her, go to her and see if there is anything you can do to salvage your relationship. I am from Finland and know nothing about Vietnamese culture, but even for me being in the U.S is sometimes utterly overwhelming and frustrating - even though culturally it is in the end not that different. So, I can only imagine how hard this must be for someone coming from such a different country and culture, and having to try to adapt to life here.

On another note..

Agree 100%. been there and done that 11 yrs ago. If a woman truly love you, no matter where you live, she will follow you, even to the jungle.

Really? That's what we are here for, to follow men around? I can tell you that I love my husband very very much, with all my heart - but love and marriage are two-way streets. I follow him to a point, after which it is his time to follow me. That is how it works. That is what love is - not women running around after you wherever you choose to live in, regardless of their happiness and aspirations. That's 1950s.

[Nero 17]

That is a danger for you. Many Asian girls start stating such things in preparation of filing for citizenship based upon being a battered woman. I hope to hell that is not it in your case, but I know someone it happened to and it was beyond stunning to everyone. She got away with it too. Despite the mountain of evidence she was a liar.

Sorry to hear it man, it's a bad situation to be in. My suggestion would be this. If she says she misses her home country and doesn't want to live in the US, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Say "ok darling, I understand how you feel. I love you and don't want to live without you so lets see what it will take for me to move to Vietnam." If she's genuine she'll either be elated or realize that maybe that's not the best idea and decide to stay, OR if she's doing as the poster above said...you'll at least be calling her bluff. I would do everything I could to see if she has a boyfriend in her home country. Maybe the plan all along has been to gain US citizenship through the battered woman thing and then bring over her vietnam born husband.

I first read it in a preachy forwarded email that annoyed me, but it's true. Too often instead of using things and valuing people, people value things and use people. It's a shame and I hope it's not the case for you.

[tan&tuyet 15]

Kevin you fought hard and long to bring her over!!! Don't give up man. After all you been though the least she could do it listen and talk to you and try to figure this out.