My Journey might be over

[Kevin and 10]

Maybe she would feel more comfortable if you guys lived closer to her relatives... is that an option?

Her brother lived in MN until about 4 years ago. The transition would have been a lot easier if he hadn't moved, but that's the breaks. I am more than willing to move out there for her. I wanted her to live here for a little while to get to know my family more. She seems angry at me, but won't tell me why. She told my Mom she can't come back, but won't say why.

[Kevin and 10]

Yup.. she had fun when she was there.. went places and did things and remembered her life before you... Then when she came back here it was not like starting the adjustment over again it was like starting even farther back... communication and compromise are the key to success here...

If I could get her to sit down and talk about it.

I tried to get her to talk with other people transitioning to life in the US, Tran (Bryonm4) and Thao (VN10). At least she wouldn't feel like she was the only one going though the lifestyle change. She never wanted to.

[quann 26]

a 3mos vn trip after just 8 months in the usa is not very healthy for the adjustment. i know of vietnamese relatives who were sponsored by their dads. we live in orange county ca, little saigon...we're basically vietnam-west, and they were still homesick and wanted to go back after the first few months. that's just human nature...i can only imagine how much more difficult it is for a vietnamese woman to be in a strange town with strange people and feeling disconnected from the world. wishing you guys the best

[Matt_Stevens 5]

I live in a small hick town (2700 people). The closest city is about 30 minutes away.

Ouch, That right there is a killer. 2700 people is barely a town at all. For SE Asian women to move to a strange small town where they do not have access to their normal food and groceries, activities, etc. and with nothing to really do, it will be pure hell. Love cannot conquer that.

Anh came here and I lived in a town with a population of 32,000. It was a well known city/town in CT and just a few hours from NYC. But she HATED it. Then we moved to NC to a town with a similar population, but more spread out. That almost killed our marriage.

I don't want to offend anyone, but there are some simple facts here. The government tries like hell to prevent these visas for being granted because of fraud and because so many will end in failure. The novelty of being in America wears off in days, if not hours for some. Most of the 'men' are years older than their younger pretty new wives and that doesn't help.

The isolation these girls will feel is impossible for us to understand and for them to foresee.

Anyway... this is a tough place for you to be in. I feel for you and hope it can be worked out. Be patient. Be kind. Make sure to speak or write to her parents so that they understand how much you love her.

Edited June 8, 2011 by Matt_Stevens

[ScottThuy 140]

Make sure to speak or write to her parents so that they understand how much you love her.

[ScottThuy 140]

The fact that Thuy ahs made friends of her own here has been the only thing that kept her from not staying here... Has Tuyen made any friends here? She go to ESL classes at all? They dont have to be VN friends.. just someone that is going through or has gone through the same transition

[cristina.c 2]

Sorry to hear this

I hope things work out for you.

Sorry to hear this!I know right know you don't understand why is this happening to you,but remember that everything happens for a reason,and only God knows why!!!Have faith!

[Kevin and 10]

The fact that Thuy ahs made friends of her own here has been the only thing that kept her from not staying here... Has Tuyen made any friends here? She go to ESL classes at all? They dont have to be VN friends.. just someone that is going through or has gone through the same transition

She has a couple friends, but they are in St Paul. The ESL class she goes to is once a week in town with classes in other town in the area. She never wanted to go to the other classes. It is the same teacher too.

There are a few people from VN that go to one of the classes in another town. They live in 30 min from us. I wanted her to go to meet them, but Tuyen is stubborn.

[tcTTct 37]

It's sad to hear about this and I hope you guys can work it out. Maybe she will feel better after being with her brother for a while. But regardless, if you want her to stay you will most likely need to move to where therre's more Vitnamese people. She is feeling very alone here in the US especially in your small town.

[1HappyGuy 45]

Unfortunately, this situation is not unique. Many people have transitional problems and usually the cure is finding people and/or stores from their home country. In your situation, it really seems that she is feeling severely isolated and can't survive that way. I hope you can find a solution that will keep your marriage working. Maybe you can find a Vietnamese community not too far from your current home to help her get acquainted with others.

I'm afraid you have some difficult decisions to make. Best of luck.

[confusedasheck 21]

She told my Mom that she's afraid I would hurt her and wouldn't let her go back to VN. I have no idea why she thinks that I would. I've never laid a hand on her. It must be VN cultural thing.

Maybe she's projecting the attitudes of Vietnamese men onto you. She expects VN guys to act this way, so she logically she expects you to do the same thing.

[MatthewNCarolina 73]

Ok.. I hope you guys can work things out.. but let me be honest. She's stubborn, very, from what you're saying... hard to figure her out, what she wants, what she needs.

I bet it is hard to adjust, such a big difference btw the countries, traditions and customs.. BUT, being stubborn doesn't help HER either. And I'm not even talking about the relationship..

Why she doesn't want to tell somebody else what's going on?? There's only one way to help her, and this is communication..nobody has a crystal ball to predict that.

Can you get her brother to talk to her and find out what's going on? Maybe she'll be more open with him and he can tell you.

She doesn't wanna go to the temple, classes, meet new people... Okaay, it's hard to adjust to this whole new things, plus missing family it makes it hard, but if she entered the country willing to marry you and do THIS ''sacrifice'' for you.. and if YOU are willing to talk to her, make things, make changes to please HER, to make her happy and more comfortable... some understanding would be appreciated too huh?

I'm gonna move from Rio de Janeiro, a crowded city, full of beaches and everything else, to a small city in WV, never been there before and I don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust but I do know my man would try ANYTHING just to help me with that, and I see that YOU are trying to do the same.

8 months of adjusting and then 3 months in her home-country doesn't seem too bad for me. It doesn't seem to me that you need to figure out what's her needs .. but SHE does. I honestly hope you guys can get to talk and she can be more open with you, because I don't think she's doing the right thing...

[quann 26]

i agree with the above. seems like she's not trying very hard to adapt and not receptive to help/communication.

[Dai. 7]

If you move, then come to houston. 2nd largest vn population after orange county. Cost of living is way cheaper than west coast east coast living.

[clayr 35]

I notice your timeline to get her to USA is long which is very difficult on a relationship. It sounds like others are working against you, for all you know her brother is talking her into to leaving you. The part where she went to VN for 3 months and came back changed sounds like maybe she met some one else I am sorry for being disrespectable . I know you put alot into this I wish you the best. I am curious since you live in a small town, does she work or go to school? How many hours a day are you away from her? I think the communication gap and long time apart are a real strain that is difficult to overcome. And if others are putting ideas in her head about she can work, live, meet someone else then that is ehat is probably going on.