My Journey might be over

[Kevin and 10]

Tuyen left to to visit her brother in CA a couple weeks ago. On Sunday she told me that she did want to come back to MN and was going to go back to VN. She doesn't like the US lifestyle.

She won't come back to get her things. She told my Mom that she's afraid I would hurt her and wouldn't let her go back to VN. I have no idea why she thinks that I would. I've never laid a hand on her. It must be VN cultural thing.

She went to VN over Tet for 3 month and came back a different person. She seemed more isolated. I wasn't the only one to notice the change either. My neighbors and family sensed something wasn't the same.

She laid out all these problems to me once she was in CA.

[Dai. 7]

Sorry to hear this

I hope things work out for you.

[Matt_Stevens 5]

She told my Mom that she's afraid I would hurt her and wouldn't let her go back to VN. I have no idea why she thinks that I would. I've never laid a hand on her. It must be VN cultural thing.

That is a danger for you. Many Asian girls start stating such things in preparation of filing for citizenship based upon being a battered woman. I hope to hell that is not it in your case, but I know someone it happened to and it was beyond stunning to everyone. She got away with it too. Despite the mountain of evidence she was a liar.

Tuyen may have gone home and found that she just missed the way things were too much. Many girls, especially those who were not college educated and who have not traveled outside of Vietnam cannot adjust to the mind blowing difference in the way of life here. MN is not exactly L.A. or NYC and in the mind of 95% of the Viet girls, they think that is what America is like.

My wife nearly went home in the first year here because she hated it so much. It was nothing like she expected, despite her having traveled to Japan and across Europe. With all her education and experience, she was not even close to being prepared. Her expectations were wildly insane.

Only when we moved to NYC did things improve.

How ironic that when she goes to visit her family in Saigon she is wishing to go back to NYC within hours of arriving. The heat, pollution, low class bribery BS and other such things inherent in Vietnamese culture just irks the hell out of her now.

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

Are you sure she didn't find another guy? There is usually a reason why women change their attitude so drastically. Hating where you live is a gradual thing, not all of a sudden, she woke up one day and wanted out.

[Xinh_Will 1]

Oh, let's not go there. The homesickness right after a return trip home makes more sense, IMHO.

My sympathies, Kevin. I hope things work out for you.

Are you sure she didn't find another guy? There is usually a reason why women change their attitude so drastically. Hating where you live is a gradual thing, not all of a sudden, she woke up one day and wanted out.

Edited June 8, 2011 by Xinh_Will

[Kevin and 10]

Are you sure she didn't find another guy? There is usually a reason why women change their attitude so drastically. Hating where you live is a gradual thing, not all of a sudden, she woke up one day and wanted out.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the case. I live in a small hick town (2700 people). The closest city is about 30 minutes away.

Edited June 8, 2011 by Kevin and Tuyen

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Tuyen left to to visit her brother in CA a couple weeks ago. On Sunday she told me that she did want to come back to MN and was going to go back to VN. She doesn't like the US lifestyle.

She won't come back to get her things. She told my Mom that she's afraid I would hurt her and wouldn't let her go back to VN. I have no idea why she thinks that I would. I've never laid a hand on her. It must be VN cultural thing.

She went to VN over Tet for 3 month and came back a different person. She seemed more isolated. I wasn't the only one to notice the change either. My neighbors and family sensed something wasn't the same.

She laid out all these problems to me once she was in CA.

Jeezuz, that sucks! After all you went through.

If you think there are any genuine feelings left on both sides then you might be able to salvage this relationship. Everyone has a tough time adjusting. Phuong did, as well. What made the biggest difference for her was where we live. She's got a lot of relatives living within driving distance, and whom she gets to see often. There are plenty of VN people she can talk to, and plenty of VN shops where she can buy stuff. There's an entire mall in San Jose that's all VN shops. She bought a beautiful altar from Da Nang at one of those shops a few weeks ago. There's a Vietnamese Buddhist temple her in our town where she goes every Sunday. One of the monks and a couple of the nuns from the temple visit us often. The senior monk came to our house last Friday to dedicate her new altar and invite the Buddhist spirits to come live in our home. All of these things have made a big difference - they make life bearable in a country where everything else is so foreign. The economy here sucks, and the cost of living is high, but relocating here or SoCal might be worth considering if it will save your marriage. The last option is to move to Vietnam with her.

Man, I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about this.

[Kevin and 10]

That is a danger for you. Many Asian girls start stating such things in preparation of filing for citizenship based upon being a battered woman. I hope to hell that is not it in your case, but I know someone it happened to and it was beyond stunning to everyone. She got away with it too. Despite the mountain of evidence she was a liar.

Tuyen may have gone home and found that she just missed the way things were too much. Many girls, especially those who were not college educated and who have not traveled outside of Vietnam cannot adjust to the mind blowing difference in the way of life here. MN is not exactly L.A. or NYC and in the mind of 95% of the Viet girls, they think that is what America is like.

My wife nearly went home in the first year here because she hated it so much. It was nothing like she expected, despite her having traveled to Japan and across Europe. With all her education and experience, she was not even close to being prepared. Her expectations were wildly insane.

Only when we moved to NYC did things improve.

How ironic that when she goes to visit her family in Saigon she is wishing to go back to NYC within hours of arriving. The heat, pollution, low class bribery BS and other such things inherent in Vietnamese culture just irks the hell out of her now.

She's a good woman. I know she wouldn't do that to me.

She just felt trapped at home with now where to go.

[luckytxn 2,264]

I am very sad about this. I remember y'all from way back and y'all were the poster child for patience and perseverance. The amount of time in AP was ridiculous. My prayers and thoughts go out to you. Please if you need anything feel free to send a message and I will reply as soon as I can and even send my number if you need to talk.

[Xinh_Will 1]

With my fiancee, I worry often about the support issue. I'm lucky in that Austin has a large and vibrant VN community with a VN buddhist temple about 5 minutes from my house, VN shops are common. And I still expect the transition to be hard. But a small hick town in MN just might be too much for her. It's a cautionary tale, and I don't doubt that Tuyen is lonely and having a very hard time adjusting. An offer to move nearer asian support might be the only hope you have. Regardless, I DO hope it works out.

[Kevin and 10]

Jeezuz, that sucks! After all you went through.

If you think there are any genuine feelings left on both sides then you might be able to salvage this relationship. Everyone has a tough time adjusting. Phuong did, as well. What made the biggest difference for her was where we live. She's got a lot of relatives living within driving distance, and whom she gets to see often. There are plenty of VN people she can talk to, and plenty of VN shops where she can buy stuff. There's an entire mall in San Jose that's all VN shops. She bought a beautiful altar from Da Nang at one of those shops a few weeks ago. There's a Vietnamese Buddhist temple her in our town where she goes every Sunday. One of the monks and a couple of the nuns from the temple visit us often. The senior monk came to our house last Friday to dedicate her new altar and invite the Buddhist spirits to come live in our home. All of these things have made a big difference - they make life bearable in a country where everything else is so foreign. The economy here sucks, and the cost of living is high, but relocating here or SoCal might be worth considering if it will save your marriage. The last option is to move to Vietnam with her.

Man, I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about this.

She is actually in San Jose right now. Her brother lives there. We've talked about moving before, but it never came up again.

I'd asked if she wanted an alter for home, but she didn't want one. I used to go to the Temple every Sunday for Tieng Viet and she never wanted to go.

I know part of the the problem is that I'm not that outgoing, but neither is she.

I'm trying to get her to sit down with me to talk about all the issues we're having, but she said she needs time. I'm afraid the longer we wait the worse it will be.

[ScottThuy 140]

I couldnt count the times that Thuy has said this is not her life that she misses VN and wants to return... she is in VN right now and has been saying how much she misses me and our life together but a day later she gets emotional and says she wants to stay there... We are already planning to semi retire in VN a portion of the year or permanent but that is not planned for 3 years yet,,, It is clear that there is a huge disparity between the two lifestyles.. IMO its not a cultural thing its a I miss the way my life was I am bored thing... For those that live in a city like NY it may be an easier transition but the lifestyle here is so different.. we live in a quiet town...

IMO its not about another guy as was mentioned...its not about her not loving you, Its just the frustration of adjusting... she really hasnt been here that long in the scheme of things and it takes a long time to adjust if you are in a quiet town like we are..

[ScottThuy 140]

She is actually in San Jose right now. Her brother lives there. We've talked about moving before, but it never came up again.

I'd asked if she wanted an alter for home, but she didn't want one. I used to go to the Temple every Sunday for Tieng Viet and she never wanted to go.

I know part of the the problem is that I'm not that outgoing, but neither is she.

I'm trying to get her to sit down with me to talk about all the issues we're having, but she said she needs time. I'm afraid the longer we wait the worse it will be.

Maybe she would feel more comfortable if you guys lived closer to her relatives... is that an option?

[Kevin and 10]

I couldnt count the times that Thuy has said this is not her life that she misses VN and wants to return... she is in VN right now and has been saying how much she misses me and our life together but a day later she gets emotional and says she wants to stay there... We are already planning to semi retire in VN a portion of the year or permanent but that is not planned for 3 years yet,,, It is clear that there is a huge disparity between the two lifestyles.. IMO its not a cultural thing its a I miss the way my life was I am bored thing... For those that live in a city like NY it may be an easier transition but the lifestyle here is so different.. we live in a quiet town...

IMO its not about another guy as was mentioned...its not about her not loving you, Its just the frustration of adjusting... she really hasnt been here that long in the scheme of things and it takes a long time to adjust if you are in a quiet town like we are..

That about sums it up. She'd been here for 8 months then took a 3 month trip to VN. After that everything changed.

[ScottThuy 140]

That about sums it up. She'd been here for 8 months then took a 3 month trip to VN. After that everything changed.

Yup.. she had fun when she was there.. went places and did things and remembered her life before you... Then when she came back here it was not like starting the adjustment over again it was like starting even farther back... communication and compromise are the key to success here...