While waiting for your step/daughter/son

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

You keep defending yourself from perceived personal attacks. Nobody has or is attacking you, accusing you of anything, or assuming anything inproper (or lowlife as you call it) about you. We are just trying to make you aware that the wording you used in your original post is similar to how pedophiles describe their love for children. That doesn't mean anybody has accused you of anything. Nobody here thinks or assumes anything bad about you. Why can't you just accept that?

BTW-Why do you feel that the mere mention of real-life issues like pedophilia is gross and disgusting? Rational adults are able to discuss these issues without name calling (I'm not a lowlife simply because I say the word "pedophilia". I'm sure in your world, it doesn't exist so nobody should ever even discuss it. But here in the real world, it does and people talk about how to recognize it and stop it. I guess all law enforcement are a bunch of lowlifes for setting up stings for online pedophiles, right?) You need a better grip on reality.

Bingo! +1

[Darnell 8,478]

JR - on one thing - buying toys and clothes prior to arrival. I say don't do it - instead, buy them together (the 3 of you) after all have arrived. Makes for a different bonding experience.

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

one post removed for baiting.

Edited June 6, 2011 by charles!

[jrmejia 31]

JR,

I'll give you a bit of advice from a long time father (my oldest is now 19) and a step-father (for 2 1/2 years now):

I understand wanting to get the little guy everything but you do need to be careful as you're setting up a situation with extremely high expectations between yourself and the child. The child could take you generosity as an opportunity to get what they want from you via emotional blackmail. Furnish are room them, sure that's basic needs but most of the other stuff is over the top. You could have accomplished the level of generosity by spreading it out using birthdays, Christmas and other Holidays.

Actually my fiancee told me not to get him so many toys because he will not know which one to enjoy most. To wait until they come here and then little by little I can start buying him stuff. I am supposed to listen to her but every now and then I break the rules.

Your points are well taken but I also hope that you understand my anger. Those comments are too lowlife and too GROSS for my taste and education/personality level.

Anyway, some of your comments remind me of my fiancee "WAIT UNTIL WE GET THERE ARGGGGG" I just laugh and say yes yes..I will stop I

happy posting.

Edited June 6, 2011 by jrmejia

[sunandmoon 450]

JR,

I'll give you a bit of advice from a long time father (my oldest is now 19) and a step-father (for 2 1/2 years now):

I understand wanting to get the little guy everything but you do need to be careful as you're setting up a situation with extremely high expectations between yourself and the child. The child could take you generosity as an opportunity to get what they want from you via emotional blackmail. Furnish are room them, sure that's basic needs but most of the other stuff is over the top. You could have accomplished the level of generosity by spreading it out using birthdays, Christmas and other Holidays.

My little guy landed in the US with a fully furnished room (some new & some gently used items) and over the first year we gradually expanded his clothing & toy inventory. It also gave us a chance to bond during the shopping for him process (not to mention the time spent with the wifie for the benefit of our little guys which helped to build that relationship also).

If you really want him to know you love him, then don't worry so much about the material things and focus on giving him the attention, structure and support he will need as he acclimates to his new world.

Finally I'll address the "nasty, pervert comments" that have offended you so much. I understand that English isn't your first language but you have claimed to have been int he US for over 30 years so I would expect you'd have a better command & understanding of US English. You choice of words was poor and did indeed imply that you have more interest in and excitement for the child than his mother. I understand you're saying that's not the case but you need to think carefully on how you word things. As this in an internet forum we can't hear the nuances of your voice or read the expression on you face as we read your words so we have to take them at face value.

[jrmejia 31]

JR - on one thing - buying toys and clothes prior to arrival. I say don't do it - instead, buy them together (the 3 of you) after all have arrived. Makes for a different bonding experience.

Yes, my fiancee keeps on telling me that and I don't listen to her. But I am getting better at it.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Your points are well taken but I also hope that you understand my anger. Those comments are too lowlife and too GROSS for my taste and education/personality level.

Do I understand anger, yes but it's misplaced.

Can you see how you're doing the exact same thing that you're so angry because you think others are doing to you?

You jump to the conclusion that they are accusing you of being a pedophile and therefore you're accusing them of being sick & twisted or being pedophiles themselves because "only such a person could even thing like that".

The sad & honest truth is that every parent needs to be able to spot signs of a Paedophile's Grooming and influence on a child's behaviors or warning signs in the behavior of an adult with such tenacities.

BTW (and I know this is stretching into Off Topic but I feel it is worth stating not just for the OP but others as well). I have known Pedophiles in my adult life, some who had acted on their situation in the past and some who never did. I will never defend someone for taking actions to harm another especially a child but we shouldn't put all Pedophiles in the same basket with those who do victimize children and more than we should say all Filipinos or Nigerians are SCAMMERS or all Caucasian Americans are Racist. I have more respect for a the man who told me "I may never have an intimate relationship because I don't know that I will ever be as attracted to another adult as much as I have been to some children" then I do for most people in my life. It is a condition that can be managed and those who choose to manage it deserve our respect & help as their friends. These words are coming from a man who has seen all sides of Child Sex Abuse in much more detail than I hope anyone else on the forum ever has to.

[jrmejia 31]

....

Sorry bob, this topic is getting too gross for my taste. Let's continue posting/chatting about pleasant things. Like gifts, love, romance, etc.

I am asking politely. Just too gross to even mention it.

I hope you understand.

[sunandmoon 450]

you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

It's sad that you are far removed from the realities (yes, some sick & perverted) of life.

Ok, let's talk about toys then. I have 2 stepdaughters for almost 3 years now.

Here's what I learned about buying too many toys. My daughters in law came to the US from a pretty poor life to my middle class home. I went out and bought a good number of toys (too much really) and what happened was that it was overkill. They were not used to having their own toys, much less having a lot of toys. They didn't know what to play with. My wife then had the job of picking up all the toys from all over the place. They would play with one for 5 minutes, drop it, and go on to the next one for 5, and so on. This went on a while since they didn't learn the house rule about putting away the toys after they are finished playing with them too quickly.

The worse part in having an excessive amount of toys + computer + video games, is that it is distracting when it comes to school work. When they went to school, they had issues concentrating on school work with so many distractions around. Eventually, they realized that school is first, but we had to get rid of some stuff. It took a while and a lot of stress to get to that point. Luckily, the older one prefers reading book over playing with toys. The younger one still tries to play when it's homework time, but she's coming around.

If your kid is school age, you may want to think about that. Use Christmas and birthday to buy toys. If he's school age, I'd think about getting some alphabet and kindergarten level reading books.

Edited June 6, 2011 by Eric-Pris

[Krikit 1,164]

Additional post removed and member banned from thread.

[jrmejia 31]

Ok, let's talk about toys then. I have 2 stepdaughters for almost 3 years now.

Here's what I learned about buying too many toys. My daughters in law came to the US from a pretty poor life to my middle class home. I went out and bought a good number of toys (too much really) and what happened was that it was overkill. They were not used to having their own toys, much less having a lot of toys. They didn't know what to play with. My wife then had the job of picking up all the toys from all over the place. They would play with one for 5 minutes, drop it, and go on to the next one for 5, and so on. This went on a while since they didn't learn the house rule about putting away the toys after they are finished playing with them too quickly.

The worse part in having an excessive amount of toys + computer + video games, is that it is distracting when it comes to school work. When they went to school, they had issues concentrating on school work with so many distractions around. Eventually, they realized that school is first, but we had to get rid of some stuff. It took a while and a lot of stress to get to that point. Luckily, the older one prefers reading book over playing with toys. The younger one still tries to play when it's homework time, but she's coming around.

If your kid is school age, you may want to think about that. Use Christmas and birthday to buy toys. If he's school age, I'd think about getting some alphabet and kindergarten level reading books.

I agree with your statement. Same thing that my fiancee keeps repeating to me. That is why stopped buying him toys. I will wait until he comes and gradually buy only few things but enough to keep him happy in the house.

One thing for sure, I will suggest to her if she wants to enroll him in some kind of after school activities. She already told me I need to teach him chess. That is my to do.

I kind of like baseball, I will suggest it to her but he is not interested in that, I will ask him what kind of activities he will like to do after work.

I am sure many of us get too excited about this. I know i am.

[sjr09 155]

Actually my fiancee told me not to get him so many toys because he will not know which one to enjoy most. To wait until they come here and then little by little I can start buying him stuff. I am supposed to listen to her but every now and then I break the rules.

Your points are well taken but I also hope that you understand my anger. Those comments are too lowlife and too GROSS for my taste and education/personality level.

Anyway, some of your comments remind me of my fiancee "WAIT UNTIL WE GET THERE ARGGGGG" I just laugh and say yes yes..I will stop I

happy posting.

“not to get him so many toys because he will not know which one to enjoy most”

The parent is the child's first and most important toy! Your on the path of teaching the child that material things is what will make him happy in life.

Attempting to fill the gap with a piece of plastic usually backfires. When children have no limits and have always had whatever they want with no sense of worth, then everything becomes worthless and meaningless to them. And unfortunately, in your desire to give this child ‘everything‘, in your own words you can create a situation where they appreciate and value nothing. You had stated you have no children, look into a parenting skills class.

[jrmejia 31]

“not to get him so many toys because he will not know which one to enjoy most”

The parent is the child's first and most important toy! Your on the path of teaching the child that material things is what will make him happy in life.

Attempting to fill the gap with a piece of plastic usually backfires. When children have no limits and have always had whatever they want with no sense of worth, then everything becomes worthless and meaningless to them. And unfortunately, in your desire to give this child ‘everything‘, in your own words you can create a situation where they appreciate and value nothing. You had stated you have no children, look into a parenting skills class.

I think that is what she wants to prevent. She wants to teach him how to appreciate things. So little by little I am learning my lesson. I just feel bad for them. They are coming from such a far country and leaving behind their love ones. I want their staying as pleasantly as possible. I would not like them to be bored, homesick, nor depressed.

[Krikit 1,164]

The best thing for homesickness and depression is a lot of hugs and understanding.