what to do when the distance drives you apart?

[Fandango 1,439]

I see your point, Lisa. The issue is not that people are busy... it's that the busyness causes one or the other to feel disconnected that's the problem. You and your SO have figured it out, as others have... some struggle with it daily.

I see what you're saying, and I think you're right that the original problem has more to do with communication than time issues, but I think the responses that kinda made me go ????? (I've listed them below btw) had more to do with saying 'oh make your partner and relationship a priority'. I think that's implying that he/she is not...so that's why I responded the way I did.

I agree that the OP can benefit from emails and lil things like text messages to get them by during the busy times...but a statement like 'oh I'm never too busy for my partner' (while being true, I'm not doubting that, btw) does nothing but imply blame on the other party....kinda like a 'shame on you for not doing the same'. I'm not trying to sound confrontational, but not all of us have free time at the same time enough to spend lots of time each day...and that doesn't say anything about where we are in each other's priorities...

Maybe it wasn't implied, and that's just what I inferred from it...either way, I'm just stating my opinion.

That doesn't mean either of us are any less committed than when we started out this process....and I think to imply that those who have little time are not committed is kinda sh!tty and completely wrong. Yes, I'm getting defensive...in a perfect world, yeah it's great...but I think there's a little more to it than how simple some of you are boiling it down to.

I didn't get that out of any of the posts.

I did, from the posts below:

We don't let ourselves get so busy that we are not a priority for each other.

Jen

Ditto. You can make the same mistake when together, too. You'll just have to make time for each other. Re-examine those priorities.

What will you do once you are together? Will you still be this busy? I'm not trying to sound critical, but is there some way you can put aside some of those things that make you both too busy to be with each other? If you can't now, you might not be able to when you're finally together.

Keep an even keel , put a priority on your relationship....

As I said earlier to JenT....it's just the way I've read them. Sure we can all brainstorm new ideas of how to spend quality time with a limited time period...but throwing around words like 'priorities' I think is not fair....there are only 24 hours in the day...and real life is still happening.

Edited September 11, 2006 by LisaD

[tmma 467]

It's not so easy as just saying " make time". There are only 24 hours in a day. Throw in time differences and work schedules and other commitments and sometimes that does leave little time left.

Mark and I make sure the time we do have to talk is quality over quantity ( although we send emails, cards and texts all the time too), we make "dates" and reserve time; but it's always a case of " when we can "as we understand that the other has a very busy life also-have to work).

Works for us, and in no way means that if there wern't more hours in a day we wouldn't be spending them together.

It's finding that balance that you can both live with and not feel the distance is coming you.

Edited September 11, 2006 by tmma

[luvaLimey 0]

We do try to make time for each other. It's just that by the time he's done with work, it's 2am or later where he's at, and he can't make conversation at that time of night. Our work schedules, and the time difference make it really hard to communicate. He used to stay up after he was done with work, until the sun came up some nights. He'd be dead tired the next day. it wore him out too much for us to do that anymore.

We do call and text each other when we can, but when he just got done paying a £800 phone bill, and I'm not paying as much but have in the past paid a $1300 one, you have to make concessions for what you can afford.

What we really need is just to be together. I haven't seen him since April. I know there are others who have gone longer not seeing their loved one, but its so much easier to connect when we're in the same timezone, same room, same bed.

[JenT 0]

LisaD,

Sorry if my post made it seem a though others were not making the effort to be a priority for each other... every couple has a different comfort level when it comes to the amount of communication they need to feel fulfilled in a relationship (whether they're in the same time zone or not). I was responding to what I interpreted the issue to be: that couples can get so busy that the relationship takes a back seat.

Having been through one marriage that failed, in part due to this very reason, I am determined to ensure that does not happen again. My life is extremely hectic, as some of your lives are, and in one way, I am grateful for the busyness because I AM sometimes distracted from calendar/clock watching. But when David gets here, I will be giving up some of my outside commitments in order to ensure that there is time for 'us', especially during the adjustment period.

Everything is a compromise... and each couple has their own unique set of compromises. Communication is just one of those aspects that needs to be sorted out, since it is so critical to the success of a relationship.

Jen

...What we really need is just to be together. I haven't seen him since April. I know there are others who have gone longer not seeing their loved one, but its so much easier to connect when we're in the same timezone, same room, same bed.

Amen.

[bowhunter 0]

simply do that: "re-connect", call your SO and tell him/her how you feel regarding this; communication is the key and the two of you have to work for it to happen. Good luck!

People always make time for what's important to them. Just like people (almost) always get the government they deserve (no, let's not go there). You know, we both work full time jobs, on opposite sides of the planet. But we connect several times a day if only by txt, and we make it a date every other day where we spend at least a couple hours in video messaging. It's not perfect, but it keeps us connected and communicating. And, by the way, for a while we would get together every day. But it got to be too much, because as you say, we both have lives to live. Every other day seems to be a good balance. And, then, as I've said before every few months I find a way to go to Phils to be with her. You just have to decide what you want, and what's important, and then figure out a way to do it. I do think if there is any positive to thiis whole visa mess it is that it does give people time to find out if their relationship is really what they want. I know this is cliche, but most of life's 'good stuff' costs. It costs time, sacrifice and committment. Sure being apart for months at a time is tough, but there are plenty of things tougher than this that you'll have to get through as a couple. Whenever I hear of couples falling apart because of this insane visa process, I really do feel bad for them. But, I also think if we were all granted our K-1's immediately, probably most of those couples would fall apart later anyway, and with much more devastating consequences. One other thing I would add . . . you have to believe, deep down inside, that being together is the right thing to do, that the two of you were made for each other, and that it isn't your life and his or her life. But there is only one life now. If you have that, you can weather anything . . . even intractable government bureacracies.

[Perseverance 1]

I understand the phone bills Yikes!!! I now use phone cards. We talk everyday on the phone and I have to be able to afford it.

Time... I work 2 jobs and have 3 kids the only time I have is before I go to sleep at night. It works out well he is just getting up and I am just going to sleep. That is our time. We may talk for a few minutes, we may talk for an hour...but we take the time to go over things together to share our days. We have been together since 11/2004 and there have been times when it was rough. If he was having a hard time then I would support him and vice versa. Many times we have just cried on the phone.

This process has stregthened our realationship. He tells me nothing that is good comes easy. LOL ok ok I say. It is not easy that is FOR SURE.

Take the rough spots in stride, they too shall pass

Edited September 11, 2006 by Heather & Justice

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Even with physical distance, I think that you can go overboard with too much phone/chat/email contact everyday, but to each his/her own as too how much is too much. The best remedy for that is when we've actually been less available for a day or two and then reconnect.

Very true. We had to cut instant messaging out of our lives. The whole reason I left Brazil was because Rey got an invitation to work here (albeit in Kansas City, and Charles knows how much I love it there). He quit his job, I spent a few weeks with the fam and looked at apartments and applied for jobs in KC.

When his visa was unexpectedly denied, we were both left in the lurch, with no jobs or anything to do while the consulate reconsidered (still denied--failure to show ties to Brazil!).

Result: we spent 2 months talking on AIM pretty much ALL DAY and sometimes talking on the phone. It took a HUGE toll on our relationship. We were both depressed and had nothing to talk about apart from each other. When we cut out instant messaging, our relationship was suddenly the fabulous thing it had always been. Phew.

Right now he's been camping with his friends since Friday and I'm DYING for him to get home and call me. Aw shucks.

Awwww... It's like the old adage - pizza is great, but not for every meal of every freakin day! You gotta have the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches also to really appreciate the pizza.

Disclaimer: That in no way reflects my daily diet.

Edited September 11, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[rebeccajo 14]

Ditto. You can make the same mistake when together, too. You'll just have to make time for each other. Re-examine those priorities.

Well Lisa, you and I often agree but not on this one I guess. Cause what AJ said above - to me - sums it all up. Like you said it's just an opinion and it's mine, as a veteran of one 20 plus year marriage already, you've got to put each other first. And if you think it's lonely right now while you are apart, try being alone in the same house with someone who doesn't know you because they don't care to connect with your brain.

There's bills to be paid and separate identities to be kept for sure. But if you don't make time there won't be a future, and all those assets and big careers are worth nothing.

Edited September 11, 2006 by rebeccajo

[Fandango 1,439]

Ditto. You can make the same mistake when together, too. You'll just have to make time for each other. Re-examine those priorities.

Well Lisa, you and I often agree but not on this one I guess. Cause what AJ said above - to me - sums it all up. Like you said it's just an opinion and it's mine, as a veteran of one 20 plus year marriage already, you've got to put each other first. And if you think it's lonely right now while you are apart, try being alone in the same house with someone who doesn't know you because they don't care to connect with your brain.

There's bills to be paid and separate identities to be kept for sure. But if you don't make time there won't be a future, and all those assets and big careers are worth nothing.

I'm not advocating not spending time with your partner when you can...but Becca, there are so many factors in play here and so much at stake financially, that while it would be a good thing to sit at home and not work and talk every waking second, the bottom line is you can't eat love. And nor can you use it to clothe you or put a roof over your head....unless anyone here is a millionaire, then all of us need jobs to survive. and downing careers by implying they shouldnt be a priority is a little short sighted imo.

We all want a fairytale life where we don't have to worry about material things such as a home and transport and blah de blah, but at the end of the day, real life is still happening...

I feel that a relationship can be a priority in conjunction with real life responsibilities...responsibilities suck, of course they do...that's why it's not called playtime. But love is never an all or nothing situation...it's how a couple communicates and works together thru the busy times and the hard times that's the real issue....not 'my job or my man'....but to say that because D and I are both busy working for our future, that we're not making each other a priority is disregarding the very reasons why we work so hard to begin with.

Me and David's 'assets and careers' is what's going to facilitate us being together and being secure in our lives for not only ourselves, but our future children...so how that can be a bad thing is honestly anyone's guess.

[Mandi+Ryan 1]

Ryan is my first priority, and I make sure we get a lot of time to spend together, but the distance is still "driving us apart".

[rebeccajo 14]

Lisa I don't think I'm making myself clear. The part of AJ's post that struck a cord with me was the part about making the same mistake when together.

It's not about a 'my job or my man' mindset. It's about finding the balance. Which can get lost in the pursuit of careers and assets.

I'm probably not making sense. I just know that I've been there.

Oh Lisa I also didn't think anybody was saying that you weren't as committed as they are. At least that's not how I took it.

[chri'stina 190]

I missed Sujeet a whole lot while he was still in India, but I never felt that the distance drove us apart.

We chatted for two years before being able to meet face to face. During that time, we spoke/chatted everyday unless one of us was on a trip or unable to for some other reason. Remember this is two full years of only chatting, talking on the phone, before being able to meet face to face. That was so hard. (I know many of you have faced similar). But we got closer, not driven apart.

Then after I went to India and came back home, that was the hardest 11 months until he came on the K1 visa. Because you already have been together in "real life" and chatting/phone cannot substitute so well.

There was a point where I started a new job, and he did too, and our schedules got all crazy and we could only speak about 30 mins a day and to me that was very hard. But still, we never felt driven apart in our relationship, but we felt far from eachother in the literal miles apart. We felt frustrated that we were so far from eachother, going through the visa process, and weren't sure when we'd see eachother again.

So those of you who don't speak everyday, you must be more brave than I am. Because I couldn't handle that, either could Sujeet. If we missed one day of talking, we would miss eachother so much. We did miss days, but only like I said if one was on a trip or unable to for some important reason. We are blessed that although our time difference was huge, we still were able to chat basically every day.

Luvalimey I hope you both will be able to find more time to talk. It must be really hard when your schedules don't allow any time for eachother. I know it's very hard!