what to do when the distance drives you apart?

[JenT 0]

David and I have agreed that regardless of how crazy things get, we would AT LEAST start our day with an email from the other. So... no matter how exhausted I am in the evening, I take a few minutes to write him an email. Sometimes it's only a few sentences about major events of the day and what the next day is supposed to look like. Other times, I write in detail about little things, like something funny one of dogs did, or how long it took me to clean the kitchen... it's the little things that keep us connected.

He gets my email when he wakes up and then writes to me, so I have something from him when I wake up. Checking my email is the first thing I do when I get out of bed in the morning.

The days then, vary, with phone calls, skype sessions, or text messages. But we know generally what to expect of each other's availability as a result of the morning email....

Jen

[incanada1234 0]

We don't let ourselves get so busy that we are not a priority for each other.

Jen

Ditto. You can make the same mistake when together, too. You'll just have to make time for each other. Re-examine those priorities.

AJ...i just love that little soul you let us see once in a while....*grins*

It's a rare gem indeed.

Rebecca and Steven, you guys have something brown on your noses...

Not me. AJ knows I'm ribbin' him...

Ok, you're exempt. Steven on the other hand...

[PlatyPius 5]

I am still working at my crappy job, and working on third shift (11pm-7:30am), specifically so Sian and I can talk daily.

We alternate. We'll have a period where we talk a lot, then a period where we catch up on our sleep.

We text each other on our cell phones several times per day. We email frequently as well. Also, she's a member of my message board and another one that I frequent, so we PM each other, read each other's posts, etc. Lastly, we both have blogs. Blogs catch all of the funny stories of our days that we forget to mention otherwise.

All in all, I spend probably 4-6 hours each day talking to Sian in some form or another.

So, here are our schedules (they vary, of course):

Schedule A

Monday - MSN 3pm-6pm EDT (8pm-11pm GMT)

Tuesday - MSN 3pm-6pm EDT (8pm-11pm GMT)

Wednesday - MSN 3pm-5pm EDT (8pm-10pm GMT) Phone 5pm-6pm

Thursday - MSN 3pm-6pm EDT (8pm-11pm GMT)

Friday - MSN 3pm-7pm EDT (8pm-12pm GMT)

Saturday - MSN 8:30am - 9:30am EDT / MSN 3pm-5pm EDT (8pm-10pm GMT) / Phone 5pm-7pm

Sunday - MSN 8:30am - 9:30am EDT / MSN 3pm-6pm EDT (8pm-11pm GMT)

Schedule B

Monday - Phone Sian at work 8am - 8:20am (1pm-1:20pm in London)

Tuesday - MSN 3pm-5pm EDT (8pm-10pm GMT)

Wednesday - Phone Sian at work 8am - 8:20am (1pm-1:20pm in London)

Thursday - Phone Sian at work 8am - 8:20am (1pm-1:20pm in London)

Friday - MSN 3pm-5pm EDT (8pm-10pm GMT) Phone 5pm - 8pm

Saturday - MSN 9am - 10am EDT / MSN 3pm-5pm EDT (8pm-10pm GMT) Phone 5pm - 8pm

Sunday - MSN 3pm-6pm EDT (8pm-11pm GMT)

[Alex+R 0]

All in all, I spend probably 4-6 hours each day talking to Sian in some form or another.

I thought that sounded really long but then I realized I probably do too. I work 10 hours, 6 days a week and for most of that Rey and I are e-mailing back and forth on Gmail like it's MSN or AIM.

Is there any way you guys could just shoot each other e-mails during the work day? I agree with everyone who's said that e-mail updates even when there's no time to talk really help.

I personally feel the compulsion to tell Rey everything that happens in my life. I have to try to keep the lid on the really boring stuff, though.

[JenT 0]

... I have to try to keep the lid on the really boring stuff, though.

David will ask, "Am I boring you?"

"Of course not," I reply.

"Well, I'm boring ME," he'll say.

[Alex+R 0]

... I have to try to keep the lid on the really boring stuff, though.

David will ask, "Am I boring you?"

"Of course not," I reply.

"Well, I'm boring ME," he'll say.

Maybe I should start asking too.

[iceyspots 0]

... I have to try to keep the lid on the really boring stuff, though.

David will ask, "Am I boring you?"

"Of course not," I reply.

"Well, I'm boring ME," he'll say.

lol yacine buzzes me on yahoo to wake me up!

Maybe I should start asking too.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

We don't let ourselves get so busy that we are not a priority for each other.

Jen

Ditto. You can make the same mistake when together, too. You'll just have to make time for each other. Re-examine those priorities.

AJ...i just love that little soul you let us see once in a while....*grins*

It's a rare gem indeed.

Rebecca and Steven, you guys have something brown on your noses...

Not me. AJ knows I'm ribbin' him...

Ok, you're exempt. Steven on the other hand...

What's the best way to wash it off?

... I have to try to keep the lid on the really boring stuff, though.

David will ask, "Am I boring you?"

"Of course not," I reply.

"Well, I'm boring ME," he'll say.

Maybe I should start asking too.

Even with physical distance, I think that you can go overboard with too much phone/chat/email contact everyday, but to each his/her own as too how much is too much. The best remedy for that is when we've actually been less available for a day or two and then reconnect.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

I've never felt like distance was driving us apart the way the OP mentioned. We make time for each other and if it means staying up late a few times a week, so be it. But even though we talk every day for a few hours, the distance between us causes a lot of stress, sadness and loneliness. That's why I bought a book online called "Loving Your Long Distance Relationship". It's a very good e-book. Here's the website: http://www.sblake.com/index.phtml

I also bought an e-book called "1000 Questions For Couples", which is sooooo much fun to read together. Even though we know the answer to a lot of those questions, it's still a great way to spend time together while apart. It brings up subjects that are fun to talk about and that keeps sadness away. I'd recommend this e-book to anyone... it is great!!

And to the OP, those two books do help you reconnect....

[Fandango 1,439]

Oh come on now guys....just because you may be busy with work does NOT mean that priorities are mucked up or any of us are not as committed to our partners.

There's an immense strain on both parties...the non-USC is busy working like mad cos he/she knows work might be limited for a while...plus they're packing up a life, experiencing 'last...' with friends etc...there's so much for them to do.

Then the USC is busy preparing for his/her life to be completely changed around...to have the financial responsibilities of caring for another person. Getting his/her home to be ready for their partner;s arrival...dealing with the stress of planning a wedding, dealing with all sorts...

add to that a time change, and it's no wonder some people are busy.

I think it's all well and good to say 'oh well you have to restructure' or 'you have to make your relationship a priority'.....it IS a priority...I'm living it every second of every day. I fell asleep in my work clothes the other night. I work hard so that D and I - with our pooled resources - can weather an emigration with all the logistics of the move/paperwork/restrictions when he gets here...blah blah blah.....sometimes we do get too busy to talk much. He's leaving his country! So why should I keep him talking on the phone with me if his friends want him to go see his lifelong favorite footy team play? Should I think 'uh oh, I'm not a priority'? It's something he's enjoyed doing long before I came there, yet he's giving it up for me...so if that was our only free time, he shouldn't go because of some misguided game of 'where's your loyalty?'

I say no.

That doesn't mean either of us are any less committed than when we started out this process....and I think to imply that those who have little time are not committed is kinda sh!tty and completely wrong. Yes, I'm getting defensive...in a perfect world, yeah it's great...but I think there's a little more to it than how simple some of you are boiling it down to.

Edited September 11, 2006 by LisaD

[Alex+R 0]

Even with physical distance, I think that you can go overboard with too much phone/chat/email contact everyday, but to each his/her own as too how much is too much. The best remedy for that is when we've actually been less available for a day or two and then reconnect.

Very true. We had to cut instant messaging out of our lives. The whole reason I left Brazil was because Rey got an invitation to work here (albeit in Kansas City, and Charles knows how much I love it there). He quit his job, I spent a few weeks with the fam and looked at apartments and applied for jobs in KC.

When his visa was unexpectedly denied, we were both left in the lurch, with no jobs or anything to do while the consulate reconsidered (still denied--failure to show ties to Brazil!).

Result: we spent 2 months talking on AIM pretty much ALL DAY and sometimes talking on the phone. It took a HUGE toll on our relationship. We were both depressed and had nothing to talk about apart from each other. When we cut out instant messaging, our relationship was suddenly the fabulous thing it had always been. Phew.

Right now he's been camping with his friends since Friday and I'm DYING for him to get home and call me. Aw shucks.

[JenT 0]

Oh come on now guys....just because you may be busy with work does NOT mean that priorities are mucked up or any of us are not as committed to our partners.

There's an immense strain on both parties...the non-USC is busy working like mad cos he/she knows work might be limited for a while...plus they're packing up a life, experiencing 'last...' with friends etc...there's so much for them to do.

Then the USC is busy preparing for his/her life to be completely changed around...to have the financial responsibilities of caring for another person. Getting his/her home to be ready for their partner;s arrival...dealing with the stress of planning a wedding, dealing with all sorts...

add to that a time change, and it's no wonder some people are busy.

I think it's all well and good to say 'oh well you have to restructure' or 'you have to make your relationship a priority'.....it IS a priority...I'm living it every second of every day. I fell asleep in my work clothes the other night. I work hard so that D and I - with our pooled resources - can weather an emigration with all the logistics of the move/paperwork/restrictions when he gets here...blah blah blah.....sometimes we do get too busy to talk much. He's leaving his country! So why should I keep him talking on the phone with me if his friends want him to go see his lifelong favorite footy team play? Should I think 'uh oh, I'm not a priority'? It's something he's enjoyed doing long before I came there, yet he's giving it up for me...so if that was our only free time, he shouldn't go because of some misguided game of 'where's your loyalty?'

I say no.

That doesn't mean either of us are any less committed than when we started out this process....and I think to imply that those who have little time are not committed is kinda sh!tty and completely wrong. Yes, I'm getting defensive...in a perfect world, yeah it's great...but I think there's a little more to it than how simple some of you are boiling it down to.

I see your point, Lisa. The issue is not that people are busy... it's that the busyness causes one or the other to feel disconnected that's the problem. You and your SO have figured it out, as others have... some struggle with it daily.

[Caladan 19]

An overworked schedule + a significant time difference can wreak havoc on trying to talk. My fiancé and I don't have the time difference, but we had a heck of a time recently when we were both putting in 12-14 hour days, 7 days a week, and he was so tired he could barely talk on the phone. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, just that he's trying to squirrel away money for the move.

We try to set a time to call every night and try to think of at least one good story to tell about the day. If nothing happens, find a funny article and read it to him over the phone. Or start your day with a long, detailed e-mail about daily life. You have to do something more than just talk about each other though, or else it gets very dull.

[rebeccajo 14]

That doesn't mean either of us are any less committed than when we started out this process....and I think to imply that those who have little time are not committed is kinda sh!tty and completely wrong. Yes, I'm getting defensive...in a perfect world, yeah it's great...but I think there's a little more to it than how simple some of you are boiling it down to.

I didn't get that out of any of the posts.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

I agree with Lisa when she says that not talking as much doesn't mean you don't care about your relationship as much. If we didn't have time to talk, it wouldn't mean anything more than what it is. But I think the OP's question was about how some couples manage to keep the relationship strong, even when it's not possbile to talk every day, and some other couples feel the distance driving them apart.

David got another job last month so we're not talking as much as we used to. Also, our petition was approved a few days ago so, just like Lisa said, I'm spending a lot more time with my family since I'll be leaving in a couple of months. We try to talk every day for a few hours but it's not like it was.... we're a lot busier. But we still feel connected and understand that we're spending time with ourselves and with a life that soon won't be the same.

Edited September 11, 2006 by MrMrsKnight