We don't fight..... we hardly speak to each other any more.

[rika60607 215]

This quote was not about a Russian woman in love. Posters portrayed her as a heartless GC hunter and a user and didn't someone even call her a b-word? This quote was referring to the mega-b that you guys portrayed. If you want to discuss her alleged cold hearted fraud, then you have to consider what she lost and what she gained in material terms. That's what cold hearted frauds go for, right?..

Qoute: "Unless the OP is quite well off, living in a nice city and showering her with gifts, I doubt that her quality of life improved."

[snip]

Well, then I don't see the difference between dating a russian or marry a russian! And this qoute is not seen as a quality or flattering for a (married) woman in love for any nation!

[snip]

Time will speak and the OP will find the truth!

[LlamaInvasion 76]

You do not know realities of life in Russia and that leads you to jumping to conclusions.

Jumping to conclusions? You're basing your advice purely on your culture, and not on what the OP has told us.

[TBoneTX 45,298]

Rika, read what this female told her husband, in WRITING, for crying out loud. If it were me, I'd kick her tail out of my house and shove her across the nearest border in a New York minute. Please read what she wrote and interpret it literally. Words mean things.

[Deina 8]

This quote was not about a Russian woman in love. Posters portrayed her as a heartless GC hunter and a user and didn't someone even call her a b-word? This quote was referring to the mega-b that you guys portrayed. If you want to discuss her alleged cold hearted fraud, then you have to consider what she lost and what she gained in material terms. That's what cold hearted frauds go for, right?..

What does she lost and what does she gain?? It is not to be with the loved person without obtaining an advantage and disinterest of the financial?

I think what you want to highlight is the material terms and what the OP can offer her. But as the OP had said: "About a two to three weeks before she arrived here our communications began to get strained"...

Did she not know nothing about OP's life here? If from beginning had a cold attitude.

Then why then she accepted got married and live here unhappy?

We all went through changes when we followed the one we love but together we have to adjust to the new life!!

And NOT!

"When laying in bed after waking up, if I put my arm around her and say "good morning", she takes my hand as if it were a dirty diaper"

"It has gotten to the point if I want to communicate with her I have to send an email"

"It seems the only time things appear to improve is if there is an appointment approaching with USCIS"

"I thought I was lonely before we met, but it was nothing compared to what I'm going through now"

!!!!

YES, she is only after the greencard!The reasons only she knows. But to tease your partner and to take advantage of his human kindness and love, that is b***

The respect is earned, not required!!

Love and respect, but if there is no respect - is there love??

There are cases where woman/man use american citizens to obtain citizenship, green card just that later to bring their dear love from the native country! Like someone else already said and I pull to reach the same conclusion: She is here for a mission to accomplished!!

[Deina 8]

Jumping to conclusions? You're basing your advice purely on your culture, and not on what the OP has told us.

[james&olya 1,121]

This quote was not about a Russian woman in love. Posters portrayed her as a heartless GC hunter and a user and didn't someone even call her a b-word? This quote was referring to the mega-b that you guys portrayed. If you want to discuss her alleged cold hearted fraud, then you have to consider what she lost and what she gained in material terms. That's what cold hearted frauds go for, right?..

I must say that rika gives us a valuable different perspective on this situation. My take on it was pretty much the same as most other people's but now I see another possibility. I saw behaviors suggestive of the alternate theory that rika presents (that such behaviors are sometimes consistent with long-term marriages in russian culture) in one woman I met and dated from the FSU before I found my current wife. Stop beating up on rika, she has valuable insight based on her background that we would all be wise to at least consider!

[rika60607 215]

Jumping to conclusions? You're basing your advice purely on your culture, and not on what the OP has told us.

I consider both what the OP told us and what I know about the culture. What was my advice according to you?

(Me thinks you have difficulty understanding what I wrote, let's make sure if it is so... or not).

You on the other hand avoid the question I asked (How would you feel if it turned out your harsh accusations were wrong?) and keep persisting that your opinion must be the only valid one.

Let's assume that she's a GC hunter...

OP can not send her home and seeing that she has a minor daughter and no income, he can't kick her out of the house either. Report her to ICE? The only evidence that may carry any weight is her e-mail stating that "this marriage never was" - which a good lawyer would reduce to nothing. She can remove conditions on her own, divorce or not.

If she is a heartless GC hunter, she already achieved her objective. If she planned on staying in the US, she should be looking for jobs and acclimating her child (teaching her English to begin with). Instead she spends her time chatting on the net and "haunting the playgrounds", with no plans for the future. Those are classic depression symptoms. She's a social butterfly, but no physically present friends are mentioned.

No job/ no income/ child to take care of with no relief (no nannies/family/friends)/ no friends or family present to share her frustrations/ failed relationship and prospects of divorce (aka "life without love is nothing") / foreign country with weak economy/ high expectations were not met... yeah, she could not possibly be depressed and taking it out on the only victim available - her husband.

Remember, this relationship started with a "whirlwind romance", not with agreement of "Ok, I'll have sex with you for a GC".

TBoneTX - literal interpretation is not always correct. The woman is well educated and has a good command of English. Possibility that she is not being literal? High.

J&O - thank you. I am trying to bring a balance to what otherwise would be a witch hunt, because I see a possibility that the lady is not what they think she is.

[Deina 8]

To the OP.

In my humble opinion. Love, respect and communication are the basis for any household. But sure each individual is perceived differently and if Russians are based on other princes I hope for you that your wife feels just very depressed and maybe chances are you two to be happy one day

If it's after our will would be nice to make our life happy but as was said by Rika: "I have seen this behavior in Russia many times, and in Russian to Russian marriages that were real and lasted many years, no fraud there"! You might not be russian BUT heyyy what we all not do for love

There were many variations made on why your wife's attitude... if is not one there is the other one but the point is: "Unless the OP is quite well off, living in a nice city and showering her with gifts, I doubt that her quality of life improved".

I personally like to speak from facts and not from fantasies but because I don't know the people involved and your wife has the right to express herself and here on the forum we are not infront of the judge nobody is obliged to justify and the lack of arguments on all assumptions that were made you have not respond I stop here wishing you and your wife all the best!

[LlamaInvasion 76]

I consider both what the OP told us and what I know about the culture. What was my advice according to you?

(Me thinks you have difficulty understanding what I wrote, let's make sure if it is so... or not).

You blatantly stated her behavior could be easily explained due to your Russian culture, and that everyone assuming she's a GC hunter is wrong. You "backed this up" by claiming her life in Russia was far better than it was in the US, with no real evidence pointing to it. You stated her cold behavior is typical of Russian women (really? Russian women resort to e-mail communications for no good reason, and won't let their husbands touch them even innocently? They prefer spending face-time with their laptop over their spouse?), and won't consider the cold, hard facts of the scenario the OP has presented: She's completely ignoring him, wants nothing to do with him, does not think marriage counseling applies to them, and suggested leaving all romantic and marital pretense behind for a sexual relationship. You seriously think that's a marriage?!

You on the other hand avoid the question I asked (How would you feel if it turned out your harsh accusations were wrong?) and keep persisting that your opinion must be the only valid one.

Actually, I answered that several posts back:

If I'm wrong, and she actually married this guy out of love, then I'll still say she's not a good person or a good wife, and she needs to wake up and smell the coffee, and probably could benefit from therapy, both as a couple and alone - communicating via e-mails, refusing marriage counseling, and suggesting they reduce their relationship to a strictly sexual one, is not indicative of a good relationship, or a good future (since it seems to show a general unwillingness to communicate for problem-solving).

Is there a possibility she's not a GC hunter? Sure. But the chances are slim to none, considering her absolute refusal to take ANY steps to stay in the marriage (marriage counseling, direct communication, etc). If I'm wrong, why would she not have agreed to therapy?

Let's assume that she's a GC hunter...

OP can not send her home and seeing that she has a minor daughter and no income, he can't kick her out of the house either. Report her to ICE? The only evidence that may carry any weight is her e-mail stating that "this marriage never was" - which a good lawyer would reduce to nothing. She can remove conditions on her own, divorce or not.

The OP could start by looking further into this, and if she still refuses his advances to fix the marriage, divorce her. A spouse who does not wish to maintain a marriage, is not a spouse. His efforts so far doesn't exactly bode well. What would you have him do? Sit with his thumbs up his butt and wait and hope that one day she'll come running back into his arms, as she grows more and more distant and files for ROC? Other people have given great advice in this thread. The OP has already attempted to approach her to fix their marriage, and she has expressed NO interest in it! It's time to start digging for the alternative.

If she is a heartless GC hunter, she already achieved her objective. If she planned on staying in the US, she should be looking for jobs and acclimating her child (teaching her English to begin with). Instead she spends her time chatting on the net and "haunting the playgrounds", with no plans for the future. Those are classic depression symptoms. She's a social butterfly, but no physically present friends are mentioned.

We don't know what she's chatting on the net about. We also don't know what her plans for the future are, if any. Go look at other threads, where people discovered their foreign spouse was actually chatting with, or even already sleeping with, someone else, preparing to move on as soon as they could remove conditions.

I hope you realize that depression has different symptoms, depending on the person. (And please don't play the culture card again and say "well, a Russian woman would display depression this way...") I was diagnosed with depression nearly a decade ago, and have been dealing with it ever since. My symptoms have not been anywhere near hers. My group therapy across two countries (both in Norway and America) has people who had symptoms at all ends of the spectrum. And unless you're an educated psychiatrist/psychologist AND have had this woman in therapy to know her story and perform a professional diagnose, you can't possibly dismiss her behavior with this conclusion.

Even if she IS depressed, blatant refusal of any approaches to fix their marriage is NOT helping her. A person who won't accept help, cannot be helped. She then needs to either start accepting the OP's insistence on therapy and communication to fix their marriage, or the OP needs to cut his ties. It's not fair to ask a person to sit around and endure the spouse's mental illness, if the spouse takes absolutely no steps to correct it, because it leads to intense misery on both sides, with absolutely no resolution. Trust me on this.

If she's truly depressed and willing to work on it, he should stay and help - but so far, she's not. It's time for her to receive a wake-up call, of what will happen if she does not actually start treating their marriage as a marriage.

No job/ no income/ child to take care of with no relief (no nannies/family/friends)/ no friends or family present to share her frustrations/ failed relationship and prospects of divorce (aka "life without love is nothing") / foreign country with weak economy/ high expectations were not met... yeah, she could not possibly be depressed and taking it out on the only victim available - her husband.

Remember, this relationship started with a "whirlwind romance", not with agreement of "Ok, I'll have sex with you for a GC".

That's one way of interpreting it. Or:

Living off the OP's money/child in tow, making connections via the internet/preparing to leave the OP as soon as she can for whatever purpose/the American dream so many seem to get tricked into thinking is real/plan is in motion, all she has to do is tough it out 'till she can remove conditions... Yeah, she couldn't possibly be using the OP for a green card.

The only relationships that DO start out with, "OK, I'll have sex with you for a GC," has both partners in on the scam, and one of them would then not be on VisaJourney, wondering what's up with his or her spouse when they grew distant.

Edited June 5, 2011 by LlamaInvasion

[rika60607 215]

Suspicion confirmed!!!!

You can't or did not read my posts carefully.

You blatantly stated her behavior could be easily explained due to your Russian culture, and that everyone assuming she's a GC hunter is wrong. You "backed this up" by claiming her life in Russia was far better than it was in the US, with no real evidence pointing to it. You stated her cold behavior is typical of Russian women (really? Russian women resort to e-mail communications for no good reason, and won't let their husbands touch them even innocently? They prefer spending face-time with their laptop over their spouse?), and won't consider the cold, hard facts of the scenario the OP has presented: She's completely ignoring him, wants nothing to do with him, does not think marriage counseling applies to them, and suggested leaving all romantic and marital pretense behind for a sexual relationship. You seriously think that's a marriage?!

1. I stated that she may be she's a GC or may be not.

2. Cold behavior is by no means typical for Russian women. But such behavior exists, usually in response to stress/ insult or an intense argument. (OP and his wife argued).

3. Lack of belief in marriage counseling is typical in Russia.

4. No, I do not. Never did. Not for me. But I have seen marriages like that.

Actually, I answered that several posts back:

Is there a possibility she's not a GC hunter? Sure. But the chances are slim to none, considering her absolute refusal to take ANY steps to stay in the marriage (marriage counseling, direct communication, etc). If I'm wrong, why would she not have agreed to therapy?

5. See number 3 above.

The OP could start by looking further into this, and if she still refuses his advances to fix the marriage, divorce her. A spouse who does not wish to maintain a marriage, is not a spouse. His efforts so far doesn't exactly bode well. What would you have him do? Sit with his thumbs up his butt and wait and hope that one day she'll come running back into his arms, as she grows more and more distant and files for ROC? Other people have given great advice in this thread. The OP has already attempted to approach her to fix their marriage, and she has expressed NO interest in it! It's time to start digging for the alternative.

6. Could not agree more.

We don't know what she's chatting on the net about. We also don't know what her plans for the future are, if any. Go look at other threads, where people discovered their foreign spouse was actually chatting with, or even already sleeping with, someone else, preparing to move on as soon as they could remove conditions.

I hope you realize that depression has different symptoms, depending on the person. (And please don't play the culture card again and say "well, a Russian woman would display depression this way...") I was diagnosed with depression nearly a decade ago, and have been dealing with it ever since. My symptoms have not been anywhere near hers. My group therapy across two countries (both in Norway and America) has people who had symptoms at all ends of the spectrum. And unless you're an educated psychiatrist/psychologist AND have had this woman in therapy to know her story and perform a professional diagnose, you can't possibly dismiss her behavior with this conclusion.

7. Replace would with could, please. Stereotypes are often wrong.

Even if she IS depressed, blatant refusal of any approaches to fix their marriage is NOT helping her. A person who won't accept help, cannot be helped. She then needs to either start accepting the OP's insistence on therapy and communication to fix their marriage, or the OP needs to cut his ties. It's not fair to ask a person to sit around and endure the spouse's mental illness, if the spouse takes absolutely no steps to correct it, because it leads to intense misery on both sides, with absolutely no resolution. Trust me on this.

If she's truly depressed and willing to work on it, he should stay and help - but so far, she's not. It's time for her to receive a wake-up call, of what will happen if she does not actually start treating their marriage as a marriage.

8. I never did. Mental disease is also a viable alternative explanation to her behavior, I am glad you brought it up.

That's one way of interpreting it. Or:

Living off the OP's money/child in tow, making connections via the internet/preparing to leave the OP as soon as she can for whatever purpose/the American dream so many seem to get tricked into thinking is real/plan is in motion, all she has to do is tough it out 'till she can remove conditions... Yeah, she couldn't possibly be using the OP for a green card.

9. I never said she was not using the OP for living. However her ex-husband was her previous and more reliable cash cow... it was his child, at least. What will she get in divorce with OP? Likely nothing, due to short marriage.

The only relationships that DO start out with, "OK, I'll have sex with you for a GC," has both partners in on the scam, and one of them would then not be on VisaJourney, wondering what's up with his or her spouse when they grew distant.

Overall, I am glad you admitted that she may not be a GC hunter! (Even if you consider the chances to be slim). I am checking out of this argument though.

[LlamaInvasion 76]

Suspicion confirmed!!!!

You can't or did not read my posts carefully.

Actually, I did.

3. Lack of belief in marriage counseling is typical in Russia.

Is e-mail communication and substituting sex for a marriage also common? Because those, in conjunction with the refusal of any counseling or steps to repair their marriage whatsoever, is what's making this look really damn bad for this woman. After all, the alternative to taking corrective steps is the OP leaving her. That's got nothing to do with culture. That's got to do with whether she wants to stay married to the man she supposedly loves or not. She clearly does not. My advice remains the same: Divorce her ####.

However her ex-husband was her previous and more reliable cash cow... it was his child, at least. What will she get in divorce with OP? Likely nothing, due to short marriage.

You know absolutely nothing about whether the ex was a more reliable cash cow or not. We don't have any information about his financial situation, vs the OP's financial situation, besides the fact that the ex gave her an "allowance." What will she get from the OP? Couldn't possibly be, oh, say, a green card. Derp.

Overall, I am glad you admitted that she may not be a GC hunter! (Even if you consider the chances to be slim). I am checking out of this argument though.

...in my VERY first post in this thread, I was more lenient towards that, than the opposite. I think you're the one not reading posts very carefully.

Personally, I'd be happy if you do check out of this argument, since none of your conclusions have been sensible, logical or helpful.

[MarocAEHabiby 2]

Does anyone else notice the OP has been missing from the last few pages while the bickering continued on? Why not agree to disagree on the OP's wife and her reasons behind getting married and moving to the US. Regardless..I wish you the best of luck OP and I hope that you get to the bottom of your unfortunate situation sooner than later.

[Ken y Leidys 20]

[kennym 275]

I simply don't understand why people post thier relationship issues on the internet..

Does anyone really beleive that we can take a few paragraphs and have a clue as to what's going on in the minds of the people directly involved in this situation?

I really hope the OP doesnt place to much credibilty on any advice givenn here... If it was my wife and I, My wife would skin me alive if she thought I was sharing issues of our relationhip on the internet.. I wonder if the OP's wife had a reason to treat him that way..

There is much much more going on here that we will ever know and certainly not enough information to give any solid advice..

Unless you just here for the entertainment factor (which would be pathetic) , I simply dont see much value in these threads... Kinda like watching MAURY!

[kennym 275]

To the OP...

In general, the "GC hunter theory" is typically garbage... This is a general comment.. I am not saying it doesnt happen, but, it's so easy to use that excuse than to accept the million other possiblities; many of them our very own fault..

I really hope you're honest with yourself about what's going on with your relationship.. only you and your wife really knows..

I urge you to consider everything you've learned about her in the courtship and during your marriage... Then, be sensitive about the challenges of being in a strange place alone with someone who may hardly know.. Remember, "American thinking" doesn't always apply to relationships with a foriegn bride...

If you've sincerely factored all this in, and still feel you're in a bad relationship, then act accordingly... But seriously, be honest with yourself, and evaluate the entire picture before dismissing any possiblity... ONLY YOU AND HER REALLY KNOW...

Nobody, and I want to stress, NOBODY on the entire internet can answer that from an internet forum alone...