We don't fight..... we hardly speak to each other any more.

[tc2010 0]

My wife and I met online. After a whirlwind romance decided to get married. We jumped through all the legal USCIS hoops, got married in November, 2 months after she arrived here on a K-1. It hasn't been easy either of us to adjust our lifestyles.

About a two to three weeks before she arrived here our communications began to get strained. She would become cross or upset over minor things. I assumed it was just stress of relocating to a strange new world and the thoughts of being seperated from her family and friends. I thought she would adjust with time.

We have gotten into several disagreements in the past 8 to 9 months and end up not speaking for weeks on end. Marriage counseling isn't an option, she just says "it doesn't apply to us". It has gotten to the point if I want to communicate with her I have to send an email. Her last reply to my question regarding "marriage counseling was;

"This is actually really silly. We have nothing to 'restore' so 'marriage restoration' is not about us. Can we just be friends who have sex sometimes? Without this artificial strain trying to act like what we are not?"

She spends most of her time online, I assume, writing on the forums or in chat. When she isn't occupying her time online she is "going for a walk" with her daughter in tow. She would like to find a job, but we have no sitter who can speak the child's language.

I'm not a "touchy/feely" kind of person, but I do enjoy a hug or a kiss from time to time, just for no reason.

When laying in bed after waking up, if I put my arm around her and say "good morning", she takes my hand as if it were a dirty diaper, moves it off her and jumps out of bed with netbook computer in hand, retreating to another room in the house to go online. Needless to say I am much less than pleased with the way things are going. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to deduce she isn't happy. It seems the only time things appear to improve is if there is an appointment approaching with USCIS. Which there should be no more of for awhile, she has her "temporary green card" now.

I thought I was lonely before we met, but it was nothing compared to what I'm going through now. My own sense of honor would not permit me to break the marriage vows and have an affair or to seek comfort outside the relationship. I still have very strong feelings for her, I'm simply left with no real means of expressing them presently. It's been a little over 6 months since we married and all we can seem to do is to put each other through the hell of some sort of "artificial marriage".

My question(s) are:

If we were to divorce would she have to return to her home country?

There is nothing for her to return to, no home, no job, no school for her daughter..... nothing!

Since I have already signed the I-485, would I still be responsible for her and her daughter if we do divorce and she remains here and self-sponsors?

What options are available? I am still recovering financially from the expenses of moving my wife and her daughter over here and it looks like it will be at least another two years before I can even begin to put away savings for a divorce.

I'm reasonably sure she will see the post here, and that will cause some additional friction.

What scares me is the advice I've seen on other threads here on VJ, suggesting an immigrant spouse file charges of abuse. I'm not a violent person. I much prefer to "live and let live". The stress of this dysfunctional relationship is killing me.

Advice.... comments?

[souleymon 27]

Pretty quite unfortunate.I think she basically doesnt love u from the onset and she has a mission aside u coming down to the states.

It might have had to do with her past relationship with men.i believe she devotes more time to her kid than.she just might ve used u as a stepping stop.

I hate to read abt artificial marriage,mayb its high time u told her abt ur willingness to let off the stress in the marriage.i dont see her wanting u as much as u do.

[Dumb/Dumber 61]

I wish I could offer you some good advice, but I have heard this story before. She had a life in her country before she met you and if she just married you to come to America, she needs to go back to her life. It is terrible that someone would do that to you, but it is very common so I am told. I personally will not let anyone take me for a ride. We go into a relationship or marriage to anyone and there is no guarantee, but if someone purposely sets out to hurt you, they do not deserve your concern. It is terrible for the child though.

[EAbbas 213]

Pretty quite unfortunate.I think she basically doesnt love u from the onset and she has a mission aside u coming down to the states.

It might have had to do with her past relationship with men.i believe she devotes more time to her kid than.she just might ve used u as a stepping stop.

I hate to read abt artificial marriage,mayb its high time u told her abt ur willingness to let off the stress in the marriage.i dont see her wanting u as much as u do.

I have to agree with souleymon on this one...look at your timeline for when the communication issues began I doubt it was coincidental...i'm sure your in love with her but try to be as objective as you can and look at facts. the fact she said can't we just be room mates and have sex once in a while???? That isn't marriage. I wish you the best and maybe she will decide to go to marriage counseling...highly doubful tho sounds as if she already decided to end the marriage without the formality of ending it. There will be plenty of ppl to answer all your questions soon enough..

Good luck...

[LlamaInvasion 76]

If you've brought up the issues and suggested marriage counseling like you say, and she still is unresponsive (e-mails you back? #######?), then it's time to give it up. This whole thing does look fishy, considering the time line for when she started acting weird.

A divorce doesn't automatically mean she'd have to return to her home country, but if she is really using you for a green card, she might.

You say there's nothing for her to return to - like someone else says, she had a life before coming here, she can return to that life.

If you signed the affidavit of support, you will retain that financial responsibility for her if she stays and removes conditions.

Your options at this point, I would say either she agrees to actually start working on the marriage and teat it as a damn marriage (right now, with her proposal of being friends who have sex, it makes it sound like she's willing to ####### herself out as long as it keeps herself in the country, and keeps you desperate enough not to do anything about it), or borrow money from someone for a divorce. Either way, her behavior is shifty, shitty and you shouldn't let it go on out of sympathy. At this point, even if she did agree to the counseling, I'd be suspicious.

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

Sorry to hear this is happening to you. You deserve love, not friends who sleep together while you support them and their child and they can treat you however they please. That is not marriage.

It sounds like you are very caring and you obviously worry about the life they will go back to. But you can't let that keep you in an abusive marriage. What Country is your wife from?

I hope she is just having trouble adjusting to life in the US...but if that is the case, she should be going to counselling. My husband and I got married in November too. This is still the beginning, you are Newlyweds. The way she is behaving isn't right and may reflect that she did not enter the Marriage genuinely, as you did.

Again. Sorry to hear this is happening.

Best wishes, Helen

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Her last reply to my question regarding "marriage counseling was;

"This is actually really silly. We have nothing to 'restore' so 'marriage restoration' is not about us. Can we just be friends who have sex sometimes? Without this artificial strain trying to act like what we are not?"

This is definitely not the woman that you would like to spend your whole life with.

An old adage says, that once a ####### always a #######...and only a ####### do this.

Best of luck...

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

"This is actually really silly. We have nothing to 'restore' so 'marriage restoration' is not about us. Can we just be friends who have sex sometimes? Without this artificial strain trying to act like what we are not?"

There's no beating around the bush in this statement. She married you for a ticket to the US and a green card. Divorce her and get on with your life. She can remove conditions on her own if she's got proof she entered the marriage in good faith.

The I-864 will remain binding until one of the conditions for terminating it have been met, but she'd need to sue you in order to get anything, and lawsuits based on the I-864 have been hit or miss. On the other hand, if she collects means tested benefits then you may be tapped to reimburse the government. She isn't eligible for most means tested benefits until she's been an LPR for five years, but that child is eligible today.

[papart_banks 0]

Send her and child back to the Philippines. Forget that you ever met her!

[rika60607 215]

It is such a knee jerk reaction to conclude that she married the green card. Depending on where she comes from, US may seem attractive or not... is she from Philippines, really?

Is it possible that she is depressed and regretting her decision to come to the US? OP, did you ever ask her what she wants and what is the reason for her behavior? May be it would be kind to let her go back if that's what she wants... you said she no longer has a home or a job in her country, but this could be restored if that's what she really wants and you are willing to help.

You mentioned that you had bad arguments. Is it possible that she feels she has no power because she does not work/has no income and you hold all the cards? Did you win those arguments? Is it possible she is holding the grudge?

You know that "no childcare giver with child's native language" is a bogus excuse. The daughter is perhaps pre-school age (or else why is she not in school and learning the language) and young kids learn new languages pretty quickly.

She will not have to leave the US if you divorce now. But as you seem to not have a firm idea as to why the two of you are so miserable... try to find out!

[Moomin 292]

Maybe you'd be better off emailing her the consequences of immigration fraud if that's her level of communicating in a marriage or the only way she accepts. You still live under the same roof?

You're still responsible financially until she either leaves/surrenders her greencard or becomes a USC if she manages to ROC. You cannot make her leave the country. However -

I understand she made a sacrifice coming to be with you and I hope you've been her support through that. Having that said, she needs to ROC in some time from now. If she does that without you(divorced) she'll need to prove she entered the marriage in good faith(which is hard with an email like that if USCIS were to get hold of it), or she files as married in which case it doesn't look mighty fine not even wanting to restore "something that wasn't" according to her unless you support her.

Having that said - I do think it's important to have a heart to heart talk with her about your future to make her understand what your view on a marriage is and how it's affecting you to not see her happy. And ask her what her needs are. You're probably not the only one feeling lonely in that relationship.

Edited May 31, 2011 by moomin

[Kyivan 0]

What's the age difference between you two?

Edited May 31, 2011 by Kyivan

[tirzaray 4]

Sorry to say but I am no marriage counselor! It is either your own life (sacrifice) or hers! Many, and I say many which is little certainly do all this formal lovie dovie to get here to the states. I am not implying this is your case but please, if all of this happened just after she got here it is OBVIOUS that deep embedded in her mind was this great opportunity! Sorry, some of us go into denial but love has no conditions and reasons!

My wife and I met online. After a whirlwind romance decided to get married. We jumped through all the legal USCIS hoops, got married in November, 2 months after she arrived here on a K-1. It hasn't been easy either of us to adjust our lifestyles.

About a two to three weeks before she arrived here our communications began to get strained. She would become cross or upset over minor things. I assumed it was just stress of relocating to a strange new world and the thoughts of being seperated from her family and friends. I thought she would adjust with time.

We have gotten into several disagreements in the past 8 to 9 months and end up not speaking for weeks on end. Marriage counseling isn't an option, she just says "it doesn't apply to us". It has gotten to the point if I want to communicate with her I have to send an email. Her last reply to my question regarding "marriage counseling was;

"This is actually really silly. We have nothing to 'restore' so 'marriage restoration' is not about us. Can we just be friends who have sex sometimes? Without this artificial strain trying to act like what we are not?"

She spends most of her time online, I assume, writing on the forums or in chat. When she isn't occupying her time online she is "going for a walk" with her daughter in tow. She would like to find a job, but we have no sitter who can speak the child's language.

I'm not a "touchy/feely" kind of person, but I do enjoy a hug or a kiss from time to time, just for no reason.

When laying in bed after waking up, if I put my arm around her and say "good morning", she takes my hand as if it were a dirty diaper, moves it off her and jumps out of bed with netbook computer in hand, retreating to another room in the house to go online. Needless to say I am much less than pleased with the way things are going. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to deduce she isn't happy. It seems the only time things appear to improve is if there is an appointment approaching with USCIS. Which there should be no more of for awhile, she has her "temporary green card" now.

I thought I was lonely before we met, but it was nothing compared to what I'm going through now. My own sense of honor would not permit me to break the marriage vows and have an affair or to seek comfort outside the relationship. I still have very strong feelings for her, I'm simply left with no real means of expressing them presently. It's been a little over 6 months since we married and all we can seem to do is to put each other through the hell of some sort of "artificial marriage".

My question(s) are:

If we were to divorce would she have to return to her home country?

There is nothing for her to return to, no home, no job, no school for her daughter..... nothing!

Since I have already signed the I-485, would I still be responsible for her and her daughter if we do divorce and she remains here and self-sponsors?

What options are available? I am still recovering financially from the expenses of moving my wife and her daughter over here and it looks like it will be at least another two years before I can even begin to put away savings for a divorce.

I'm reasonably sure she will see the post here, and that will cause some additional friction.

What scares me is the advice I've seen on other threads here on VJ, suggesting an immigrant spouse file charges of abuse. I'm not a violent person. I much prefer to "live and let live". The stress of this dysfunctional relationship is killing me.

Advice.... comments?

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Send her and child back to the Philippines. Forget that you ever met her!

The OP never stated his wife is from the Philippines. So what made you think she is? There's a lot of people (men/women) like her all over the world. So why make such assumption?

Edited May 31, 2011 by ~happyndinlove~

[Vi-Jay 218]

"Run Like Hell"

Run, run, run, run

You better make your face up in

Your favourite disguise

With your button down lips and your

Roller blind eyes

With your empty smile

And your hungry heart

Feel the bile rising from your guilty past

With your nerves in tatters

As the cockleshell shatters

And the hammers batter

Down your door

You better run

P.S. If she does see this thread, don't be surprised by a complete change in her behavior. You better run.

Edited May 31, 2011 by Vi-Jay