language barrier adjustment

[Max1gk 68]

The worst part is that I get invited to a lot of social events due to my work which I have to attend with her. That completely paralizes her. There is one social/business event that she is expected to accompany me for and she is dreading it. I do not even know if I should cancel this event or force her to go... Everyone there understands that she is from another country, just came here and does not expect her to speak well. I try to explain this to her. This just does not work. She is in total shock. She does not refuse to go and understands that she should go. However, I see that she is constantly thinking about it.. Like a torture.. keeps saying "everyone will see that I am not good enough for you", etc...

sandiego, according to what she says to you I think the Language issue is simply a synthom of an underlying insecurity.. "she keeps saying everyone will see that I'm not good enough for you" - concentrate on that aspect even more then talking to her in English. Try making her feel she deserves everything she has in this new life of her and make her feel you feel extremely lucky to be with her and how good she is in doing things around the house,cooking etc. Being such a short time I'm totally sure this will go away very soon,but I'd suggest to work on positive reinforcements in general. That's more important than the mere language aspect; that will follow automatically once she feels she doesn't have to prove nothing and feel confident about herself in this new environment.

all the best

[san diego 407]

What she experiences is totally normal. I had English in school for years and did not anticipate any problems. I also had a tutor to prepare me for the American adventure.

I remember vividly sitting in the local coffee shop, knowing that I would want to order coffee and 3 eggs "over easy." The server then told me the 421 different kinds of toast I could choose from, and I was speachless. It really takes some time to get used to all of this, and she'll get better as time moves on. Be gentle and help her without being too much picky. Allow her to transition smoothly. Half-a-year from now she'll be so much better!

Thank you!

[san diego 407]

sandiego, according to what she says to you I think the Language issue is simply a synthom of an underlying insecurity.. "she keeps saying everyone will see that I'm not good enough for you" - concentrate on that aspect even more then talking to her in English. Try making her feel she deserves everything she has in this new life of her and make her feel you feel extremely lucky to be with her and how good she is in doing things around the house,cooking etc. Being such a short time I'm totally sure this will go away very soon,but I'd suggest to work on positive reinforcements in general. That's more important than the mere language aspect; that will follow automatically once she feels she doesn't have to prove nothing and feel confident about herself in this new environment.

all the best

Thank you, Max! This is a good advice!

[PAGE 11 14]

I speak some French from having worked with a French company for many years, and I took lessons too. I noticed that at that time, though I was quite uncomfortable speaking French to people I knew well (such as French friends or colleagues) because I didn't want to seem stupid, I was much more comfortable and surprisingly more fluent speaking French to STRANGERS-- such as taxi drivers or hotel personnel. Obviously this was because their opinion about me mattered less.

Maybe you could encourage your wife to interact more with shopkeepers, the mailman, cashiers, etc. The conversations will be shorter and more standard, something she could practice saying every time she sees them. Eventually she will develop confidence to speak with other people whose opinion she values more.

[san diego 407]

I speak some French from having worked with a French company for many years, and I took lessons too. I noticed that at that time, though I was quite uncomfortable speaking French to people I knew well (such as French friends or colleagues) because I didn't want to seem stupid, I was much more comfortable and surprisingly more fluent speaking French to STRANGERS-- such as taxi drivers or hotel personnel. Obviously this was because their opinion about me mattered less.

Maybe you could encourage your wife to interact more with shopkeepers, the mailman, cashiers, etc. The conversations will be shorter and more standard, something she could practice saying every time she sees them. Eventually she will develop confidence to speak with other people whose opinion she values more.

Thank you this is a great advice! Now that you mentioned it, she does speak with our mailman and cashier at the store! She mentioned this on several occasions. She should probably do this more. I will let her know.

[Brit Abroad 166]

This sounds like more than a language barrier to me. Your wife sounds like she is missing familiarity of home and the ease of which she fit into her lifestyle there and suffering a crisis of confidence because she is unsettled and nervous of "starting over in a new place". It's like being the new kid at school, with all the terrors and insecurities that come with it.

The only way to develop familiarity with a new language is to be surrounded by it. Encourage her to watch tv with subtitles (that way she learns the word spelling at the same time she hears the pronunciation!) and listen to radio as her English improves. Once her ears become accustomed to hearing the language, she will pick it up the same way a child does. Hear, repeat, understand.

Not much you can do about her confidence with friends/colleagues except encourage her to meet them. Maybe suggest a dinner party with you and another couple that are particularly "gentle-natured" and easy-going. Ask them to concentrate on speaking at a slightly slower pace, with good enunciation and getting to know your wife and her interests. If she can relax with a small group, gradually increase the number of people until she's more comfortable before building up to a business type event.

I really feel for you both. It's horrible to feel so insecure and you both just have to keep moving forward in small steps. Are there any other Russian-speaking people in your community, that she could go to the fitness club with? Sometimes having "a bit of home" to tread new ground with makes a huge difference.

Good luck to you both.

[san diego 407]

This sounds like more than a language barrier to me. Your wife sounds like she is missing familiarity of home and the ease of which she fit into her lifestyle there and suffering a crisis of confidence because she is unsettled and nervous of "starting over in a new place". It's like being the new kid at school, with all the terrors and insecurities that come with it.

The only way to develop familiarity with a new language is to be surrounded by it. Encourage her to watch tv with subtitles (that way she learns the word spelling at the same time she hears the pronunciation!) and listen to radio as her English improves. Once her ears become accustomed to hearing the language, she will pick it up the same way a child does. Hear, repeat, understand.

Not much you can do about her confidence with friends/colleagues except encourage her to meet them. Maybe suggest a dinner party with you and another couple that are particularly "gentle-natured" and easy-going. Ask them to concentrate on speaking at a slightly slower pace, with good enunciation and getting to know your wife and her interests. If she can relax with a small group, gradually increase the number of people until she's more comfortable before building up to a business type event.

I really feel for you both. It's horrible to feel so insecure and you both just have to keep moving forward in small steps. Are there any other Russian-speaking people in your community, that she could go to the fitness club with? Sometimes having "a bit of home" to tread new ground with makes a huge difference.

Good luck to you both.

Thank you so much for your advice. Actually, we found Russian-speaking people in the community. She does socialize with them. Moving outside of this circle is a challenge. There is one couple living pretty close to us and female does attend fitness club. I will suggest this to her. This is a very good advice.

[Messybrownhair 251]

As a speech therapist and ESL teacher, I can understand how hard it can be to teach a new language. My advice would be to make it fun, as this is what I do with my students. It can be silly things like making flash cards or labeling things with Post-its and then making a game out of it. Also, do not speak to her in Russian, you are the best teacher and example so start speaking to her in English as much as you can, and encourage her to reply in English too. It's important to make her feel like she is making good progress, so never correct her to her face, just echo it correctly and expand it. The examples I gave are usually what I do with kids since those are my main clientele, but you both just need to develop a technique that works for you. You said she likes the gym, then do it while you are exercising together. Ask questions in between sit-ups or something. Hope this helps somewhat! There are also lots of resources on the internet that you can use to supplement her studies, and you could also use Rosetta Stone. Goodluck and you'll be fine!

[amesa 9]

My wife (then fiancee) came here less than a month ago (3 weeks). She attends college for ESL. Her English I would say is below average but she can speak and understands everything people say. Since I speak Russia fluently she speaks Russian at home. However, she is ashamed speaking English to strangers. It developed into some kind of mental block when she almost refuses to see my friends (obviously they do not speak Russian). She loves gym and works-out every day. However, she uses only our gym and refuses to join the fitness club (even though she loves it) because she would have to speak to people there. I see that she is heavily depressed because of this and I do not know how to help her. Any suggestions? Thoughts? Anyone's fiancee experienced this type of block? Ho do you overcome it? It is like catch22. She is afraid to speak to people because she is not good but she will never be good until she starts speaking. Personal experience advice would be helpful. This affect our lives in a major way.

I learned Spanish as a second language, English is my native language. It is very frustrating when a person cannot communicate the way they want to due to a language barrier. You will need to be patient and very supportive of her and try to understand what she is facing. She, on the other hand, is going to need to have the courage to face the challenge. The more she speaks with people in English, the faster she is going to learn. I tell you this from experience.

Having her go to ESL classes is a great start, but unfortunately, no one can make another person talk. She will need to make that choice. Maybe if you start at home, like an hour a day, or when you are in the car together...something so that just between the two of you, she can practice with you and she won't feel so insecure and hesitant. Just a thought.

Practice, practice, practice. Try going to the library, to the primary level of the children's books and getting kindergarten level reading material and have her read out loud to you. You can help her with definitions and pronunciation.

My minor in college was TESOL. People can take all the classes they want, but if she doesn't open her mouth, there will be no improvement in speaking ability.

[Messybrownhair 251]

Oh and watch television and movies with her.. It also helps, as well as the radio. Auditory bombardment is the key. I lived in China for two years and when I moved there I did not even know how to say Hi, but I was forced to learn and now I can say I know a pretty good amount of Mandarin (just speaking and listening though, I can't read and write unless its pinyin) so it's definitely doable, she just needs a lot of encouragement

[san diego 407]

I learned Spanish as a second language, English is my native language. It is very frustrating when a person cannot communicate the way they want to due to a language barrier. You will need to be patient and very supportive of her and try to understand what she is facing. She, on the other hand, is going to need to have the courage to face the challenge. The more she speaks with people in English, the faster she is going to learn. I tell you this from experience.

Having her go to ESL classes is a great start, but unfortunately, no one can make another person talk. She will need to make that choice. Maybe if you start at home, like an hour a day, or when you are in the car together...something so that just between the two of you, she can practice with you and she won't feel so insecure and hesitant. Just a thought.

Practice, practice, practice. Try going to the library, to the primary level of the children's books and getting kindergarten level reading material and have her read out loud to you. You can help her with definitions and pronunciation.

My minor in college was TESOL. People can take all the classes they want, but if she doesn't open her mouth, there will be no improvement in speaking ability.

Thank you!

Oh and watch television and movies with her.. It also helps, as well as the radio. Auditory bombardment is the key. I lived in China for two years and when I moved there I did not even know how to say Hi, but I was forced to learn and now I can say I know a pretty good amount of Mandarin (just speaking and listening though, I can't read and write unless its pinyin) so it's definitely doable, she just needs a lot of encouragement

Thank you for your help!

[Solwalt 2]

Hello, I agree with most of the people who gave their testimonyhere. Need to talk to her in English. Tell your Fiancee is normal at first. I advise you to hold meetings at home with friends, family, take it for fun in the most relaxed type: valleys, waterfalls, to have encounter with nature while trying to unwind a little. Good Luck, Sol

[Gina & Dan 2]

I am working with the same issue my Fiancee who is from Honduras, she is not here yet. We have done many things to practice her English. Of course daily conversation is a greate excersise but it produces a fairly limited vocabulary since it is mostly with just you, and you will likely (or at least I do) use words and a speed you know she is comfortable with. The other aspect that is difficult to deal with strangers is everyone speaks at different speeds and sounds. I have come with a few ways to introduce more vocabulary that is not just drills.

1. Word Games: Scrabble, pictionary, hangman, etc.

2. Reading childrens books

3. Music - this is by far the best I have found. I find videos on you tube (many have lyrics built in), then find the lyrics and translate them (I prefer google translator) we have found this gives a great variation in speed, sounds, and word selection. We have actually had so much success with this method I am building a website that brings them all together in one spot. if you are interested I can post the link to it when I have the first beta available (hopefully this weekend).

I actually recommend starting with the theme songs of Dirty Dancing, and Titanic. My fiancee could actually sing along with the song, but never knew what the words meant, until I translated them.

[EasternDE 35]

Aaah...

We all experience this the first weeks/months, I guess to different degrees.

Even though I think my english is quite good, I was totally terrorized when it came to set an appointment with a doctor, make a call for some kind of administrative request....

And I wouldn't be very chatty around friends...

Well at some point, I had to do those things anyway and succeeded. Which filled me with a victorious feeling! which lead to more confidence I guess.

She also needs to find out that the USA is not like a "regular country", many people here have accents and don't speak perfect english.

Bring her to Dunkin'Donuts!

Give it some time, you said it has been only a few weeks, that is very short.

Being surrounded by people who speak a different langage, things that are different, can be very aggressive.

It is the little things, day by day, that help to feel more comfortable.

About friends, I didn't like big crowd, invite your friend and family one by one (or couple by couple), it makes it much easier.

The typical BBQ crowd is too much, too much noise, too many people who already know each other... too aggressive.

If at first she doesn't want to participate, don't make a big deal out of it, we all need some kind of "observation time" to feel comfortable.

Some dumb situation would put me in total panic, and my husband would'nt understand, because it looked so basic for him, but it was too different for me...

Try to be supportive even if at first you do not understand what is the issue and then later ask her about her feelings, to be able to understand.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; It would be a very good idea for her to attend English classes (evening school), because she'll be around other International people who are dealing with the same problems.

She'll get more confidence and she will actually learn propper English during these classes.

I think, personally, that would be a great idea. She is around people with same issue and she can make friends

Edited May 26, 2011 by Channah&Aaron