language barrier adjustment

[san diego 407]

My wife (then fiancee) came here less than a month ago (3 weeks). She attends college for ESL. Her English I would say is below average but she can speak and understands everything people say. Since I speak Russia fluently she speaks Russian at home. However, she is ashamed speaking English to strangers. It developed into some kind of mental block when she almost refuses to see my friends (obviously they do not speak Russian). She loves gym and works-out every day. However, she uses only our gym and refuses to join the fitness club (even though she loves it) because she would have to speak to people there. I see that she is heavily depressed because of this and I do not know how to help her. Any suggestions? Thoughts? Anyone's fiancee experienced this type of block? Ho do you overcome it? It is like catch22. She is afraid to speak to people because she is not good but she will never be good until she starts speaking. Personal experience advice would be helpful. This affect our lives in a major way.

[souleymon 27]

It all falls on you.she needs to be goinh out often to events/places u visits.

Let her understand the easiet way to understand n b fluent in a language is via communication.try to let her interact with families who must have understood her language barriers

[stu redman 4]

i think you need to speak to her in English at your home she need to get comfortable speaking it all the time and it will be easier if you correct her and she needs the practice if you do this in 6 months you will see the difference you have to practice something to be good at it and make sure you tell her that shes getting better every week .

[missicy 87]

Speak to her in English and encourage her to do the same, do not talk to her in Russian. She has to start somewhere and I think that in home environment she should feel safe speaking it. Maybe pay for her to take English lessons where she will be able to improve her speaking as well as improve her English in general, learn new words etc.

[san diego 407]

i think you need to speak to her in English at your home she need to get comfortable speaking it all the time and it will be easier if you correct her and she needs the practice if you do this in 6 months you will see the difference you have to practice something to be good at it and make sure you tell her that shes getting better every week .

This is a very good advice, thank you.

[corazónENparaguay 46]

And remember the positive reinforcement needs to be heavy, initially, as you practice at home.

[Szilvia74 3]

I do not understand what you are saying. You say "she can speak and understands everything people say" and then you say "Her English I would say is below average". This does not make sense to me. I speak very good English and have been in the US for 6 years and I still don't understand everything people say. Maybe she guesses what people say rather than understands. Anyway, it is hard if you are afraid to make mistakes in a foreign language and that can make you shy. I did that a lot, even today sometimes. I rather not say it if I think it has a mistake. I bet she is like me that she feels people judge her because she doesn't speak the language well or even just because she has an accent.

Does she have a hobby (other than the gym)? Perhaps a group she could join so she can make friends that she can be more ease with? I know it's not easy.

My wife (then fiancee) came here less than a month ago (3 weeks). She attends college for ESL. Her English I would say is below average but she can speak and understands everything people say. Since I speak Russia fluently she speaks Russian at home. However, she is ashamed speaking English to strangers. It developed into some kind of mental block when she almost refuses to see my friends (obviously they do not speak Russian). She loves gym and works-out every day. However, she uses only our gym and refuses to join the fitness club (even though she loves it) because she would have to speak to people there. I see that she is heavily depressed because of this and I do not know how to help her. Any suggestions? Thoughts? Anyone's fiancee experienced this type of block? Ho do you overcome it? It is like catch22. She is afraid to speak to people because she is not good but she will never be good until she starts speaking. Personal experience advice would be helpful. This affect our lives in a major way.

[san diego 407]

I do not understand what you are saying. You say "she can speak and understands everything people say" and then you say "Her English I would say is below average". This does not make sense to me. I speak very good English and have been in the US for 6 years and I still don't understand everything people say. Maybe she guesses what people say rather than understands. Anyway, it is hard if you are afraid to make mistakes in a foreign language and that can make you shy. I did that a lot, even today sometimes. I rather not say it if I think it has a mistake. I bet she is like me that she feels people judge her because she doesn't speak the language well or even just because she has an accent.

Does she have a hobby (other than the gym)? Perhaps a group she could join so she can make friends that she can be more ease with? I know it's not easy.

Thank you. She has a lot of hobbies. She does a lot of things that do not deal with interacting with people. This is not a problem. It is just that she is afraid to do anything that involves speaking English exactly for the reason that you mentioned that people will judge her. I understand that. I just do not know how to break this trend except good advice that I should probably speak only English to her.

Regarding understanding: she claims she understands everything. Below average is my judgment.

[san diego 407]

The worst part is that I get invited to a lot of social events due to my work which I have to attend with her. That completely paralizes her. There is one social/business event that she is expected to accompany me for and she is dreading it. I do not even know if I should cancel this event or force her to go... Everyone there understands that she is from another country, just came here and does not expect her to speak well. I try to explain this to her. This just does not work. She is in total shock. She does not refuse to go and understands that she should go. However, I see that she is constantly thinking about it.. Like a torture.. keeps saying "everyone will see that I am not good enough for you", etc...

Edited May 25, 2011 by san diego

[san diego 407]

It all falls on you.she needs to be goinh out often to events/places u visits.

Let her understand the easiet way to understand n b fluent in a language is via communication.try to let her interact with families who must have understood her language barriers

I am trying. This is what she is dreading the most..

[ryna 132]

My wife (then fiancee) came here less than a month ago (3 weeks). She attends college for ESL. Her English I would say is below average but she can speak and understands everything people say. Since I speak Russia fluently she speaks Russian at home. However, she is ashamed speaking English to strangers. It developed into some kind of mental block when she almost refuses to see my friends (obviously they do not speak Russian). She loves gym and works-out every day. However, she uses only our gym and refuses to join the fitness club (even though she loves it) because she would have to speak to people there. I see that she is heavily depressed because of this and I do not know how to help her. Any suggestions? Thoughts? Anyone's fiancee experienced this type of block? Ho do you overcome it? It is like catch22. She is afraid to speak to people because she is not good but she will never be good until she starts speaking. Personal experience advice would be helpful. This affect our lives in a major way.

Practice with her in the home. This is where I am now with my wife now that she's taking English classes. She's terrified of speaking English with anyone except me and my parents. And, I don't help much because I prefer to speak Spanish with her now. I don't want to go back to the early days of our relationship when our conversations were painful (for lack of a better word.) When my wife and I first met, I spoke no Spanish and she spoke no English. But, I know that she needs to hear English if she's going to learn it well so I force myself to throw English into our conversations. I do have to watch myself though because I find that I sometimes speak English as a Spanish speaker would sometimes using wrong pronunciations because they are easier for her to hear. I don't mean to do it but I guess that we've spoken in Spanish for so long that I've developed an accent around her.

Also, I can understand how she and your wife feel firsthand.

In these nearly 2 years since, I have learned to speak Spanish fairly well. Until just very recently, my wife and I spoke nearly 100% in Spanish (now it's about 90/10 due to her classes.) I understand my wife very well when we speak in Spanish. I speak it daily with her and she understands me very well. But, just today, a former co-worker/friend of hers called from Colombia, speaking Spanish of course, and I stumbled through that conversation like a complete idiot just trying to take a message. I passed the message along and I asked my wife to explain to her friend that I'm not a moron, it's just that I don't speak Spanish well. My wife didn't understand why I would say that because we speak it every day and I'm fine. Even after two years, I'm still very uncomfortable (though no longer afraid of) speaking Spanish with anyone but her, her family and certain friends and tend to awkwardly fumble through any Spanish conversation with others.

The point is, it just takes time (and certainly more than 3 weeks.) Speak with her in English more and more, be patient and let her get comfortable with it around the house. She'll get there and almost certainly in less time than it has taken me.

[ryna 132]

I do not understand what you are saying. You say "she can speak and understands everything people say" and then you say "Her English I would say is below average". This does not make sense to me. I speak very good English and have been in the US for 6 years and I still don't understand everything people say. Maybe she guesses what people say rather than understands. Anyway, it is hard if you are afraid to make mistakes in a foreign language and that can make you shy. I did that a lot, even today sometimes. I rather not say it if I think it has a mistake. I bet she is like me that she feels people judge her because she doesn't speak the language well or even just because she has an accent.

Does she have a hobby (other than the gym)? Perhaps a group she could join so she can make friends that she can be more ease with? I know it's not easy.

I noticed that, too. If she understands everything people say, then she's way ahead of the game. As I mentioned in my other post, I can speak Spanish well (mostly) but, other than my wife, I have a very difficult time hearing it. And, I live in a place with many Spanish speakers so I've heard it for far longer than the two years I've been learning to speak it.

Honestly, in my case, I think I speak Spanish too well for my Spanish hearing abilities and that leads others to speak to me way too fast, assuming that I understand them. Then I get all tripped up trying to formulate something to say when I'm not even sure what was said to me. I guess I could just ask them to repeat it and slow down but that's what causes my uneasiness with conversing in the language...

Edited May 25, 2011 by ryna

[san diego 407]

Practice with her in the home. This is where I am now with my wife now that she's taking English classes. She's terrified of speaking English with anyone except me and my parents. And, I don't help much because I prefer to speak Spanish with her now. I don't want to go back to the early days of our relationship when our conversations were painful (for lack of a better word.) When my wife and I first met, I spoke no Spanish and she spoke no English. But, I know that she needs to hear English if she's going to learn it well so I force myself to throw English into our conversations. I do have to watch myself though because I find that I sometimes speak English as a Spanish speaker would sometimes using wrong pronunciations because they are easier for her to hear. I don't mean to do it but I guess that we've spoken in Spanish for so long that I've developed an accent around her.

Also, I can understand how she and your wife feel firsthand.

In these nearly 2 years since, I have learned to speak Spanish fairly well. Until just very recently, my wife and I spoke nearly 100% in Spanish (now it's about 90/10 due to her classes.) I understand my wife very well when we speak in Spanish. I speak it daily with her and she understands me very well. But, just today, a former co-worker/friend of hers called from Colombia, speaking Spanish of course, and I stumbled through that conversation like a complete idiot just trying to take a message. I passed the message along and I asked my wife to explain to her friend that I'm not a moron, it's just that I don't speak Spanish well. My wife didn't understand why I would say that because we speak it every day and I'm fine. Even after two years, I'm still very uncomfortable (though no longer afraid of) speaking Spanish with anyone but her, her family and certain friends and tend to awkwardly fumble through any Spanish conversation with others.

The point is, it just takes time (and certainly more than 3 weeks.) Speak with her in English more and more, be patient and let her get comfortable with it around the house. She'll get there and almost certainly in less time than it has taken me.

This is helpful, thank you! I am not alone!

Edited May 26, 2011 by san diego

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

What she experiences is totally normal. I had English in school for years and did not anticipate any problems. I also had a tutor to prepare me for the American adventure.

I remember vividly sitting in the local coffee shop, knowing that I would want to order coffee and 3 eggs "over easy." The server then told me the 421 different kinds of toast I could choose from, and I was speachless. It really takes some time to get used to all of this, and she'll get better as time moves on. Be gentle and help her without being too much picky. Allow her to transition smoothly. Half-a-year from now she'll be so much better!

[TBoneTX 45,267]

Many excellent answers have already been provided here. I emphasize the importance of speaking English at home. Mrs. T-B.'s English was already pretty good, but very rusty, because few people in Ecuador have the chance to practice. Here in the U.S., her Ecu girlfriends around the country, and her native-Spanish-speaking girlfriends locally -- all of whom are married to other native-Spanish-speakers -- were and are uniformly jealous that she is married to a gringo and has the chance to speak English at home.

The central issue is that "practice makes permanent, and perfect practice makes perfect." Your wife may have very high standards for herself, and is therefore afraid to make mistakes. She may also be afraid that people will laugh at her. I'm the same whenever I try to talk Spanish -- whether in Mexico or Ecuador, I say something, and people usually look very alarmed and point me toward the nearest restroom. Actually, the natives of those countries are very understanding, and they seem not only to tolerate but to appreciate my fumbling efforts to communicate with them. (However, like R above, I wish that they'd slow DOWN when they talk.)

So, I'd recommend talking to her exclusively in English at home, always speaking slowly and with distinct enunciation, to build her internal confidence that she can understand absolutely everything. Then, when she goes outside, she'll be better able to (or have more confidence that she can) understand others who speak more sloppily and rapidly. Engaging in small-talk brief conversations with strangers could help. She'll almost certainly never see them again, so she need not worry about being criticized or judged harshly by them, si man.

Edited May 26, 2011 by TBoneTX