8 months later...no friends

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

It is hard to be alone. After my husband died, my family is far away and i am born in US. I went to penpail site and talk to people online. Now, I am marrried to beautiful man from Morocco. i have been to Peru--to Lima. If you would like to talk and have a friend here, send me private message on my site. Send a yahoo or MSN ID and we can talk. I am Jeanne.

I was reading some post here and i read one that said "Feeling alone" by Fragola, The first thing that came to my mind when I read that post was 4 years and she still feel that bad?... I ama here 8 months, and still trying to find out my place, my husband is nice and he try his best to make me happy, but i still feel lonely and not in place... have no idea how to describe this feeling better....

I took painting classes once a week and go to gym any other day, I drive and can go out wherever I want, but I feel is not the same to go to the cinema, to the mall or just for a walk ALONE, it just doesnt feel good, and nstead of make me feel happy , just depress me more , is not that back in my country I use to have a bunch of friends around all the time, but, the few I have the few I was sure I can count on with, plus being at work everyday give me the dosis of socialize I need, here is just the same routine, wake up clean , go out food shoipping or gym or whatever, come keep cleaning, cook, watch tv, paint, check the plants, I mean seems that a nice confortable life right? but I need friends, need to talk with people of my own age, the only person i talk with is his daughter and believe me people most of teh time i preffer just to keep in mute in front of her (this relationship stemother-stepdaughter is for another topic.. too long and too dramtic to describe it now) husband say go and make some friends , but is not that easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ther eis a girl around my corner who invite me to her house, the times i went she is always busy and i feel a bit unconfortable to just interrupt her.

I had a live already made in my country, friends already made throu the years, people here are the same everybody have it own life, and one for sure cant make friends from day to night, good friends take time to do.

I just feel like I born again and that I have to start from scratch...no body know me, no body know what i am able to do, what i know, my studies mean nothing here, i apply to many jobs and they dont even callme for an interview for being a receptionist!!!!!

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

Hello!

You have some great replies! I just wanted to add my '2cents'

I am also a person who needs human contact and relationships in my life I understand!

Making friends takes time. I have been here for 7 months. I came here on K1 so I could not work right away which was hard initially. Then I decided to volunteer full time! It's been great. I work in a school 3 days a week at at the local public radio station the other 2 days. I also attend a weekly yoga class.

I have a lot of 'acquaintances' but I wouldn't say I have any real friends yet. I think you should focus on meeting lots of people and don't worry about forming true friendships yet...just have fun and enjoy talking to the people you meet! Talk to the people you encounter in your day and just chat. Friendship will follow. You may meet a lot of people but they won't all be friends and some will extend friendship your way in small gestures

One example is that I volunteered in a soup kitchen last summer in Alaska. Then when I would go for walks alone because my husband was working...I would usually bump into someone from there who'd recognise me and start talking and sometimes walk with me. For me it doesn't matter that they were not friends...they made me feel more at home and part of the community because I knew people. I also met some truly fascinating people.

You are obviously a kind and nice person with a lot of heart. Start doing things to bring you in contact with other people so that people can get to know you.

Also, ease off the cleaning...I did that too and got upset with my husband when he did not validate what I had done....I only felt this way because that was the sole purpose of my days work...you need a new purpose because cleaning is not satisfying you...you have more to give. Find something fun and meaningful to you to volunteer at during the days and try to fill your days.

That's my 2cents

Good luck!!

[Gosia & Tito 199]

I was reading some post here and i read one that said "Feeling alone" by Fragola, The first thing that came to my mind when I read that post was 4 years and she still feel that bad?... I ama here 8 months, and still trying to find out my place, my husband is nice and he try his best to make me happy, but i still feel lonely and not in place... have no idea how to describe this feeling better....

I took painting classes once a week and go to gym any other day, I drive and can go out wherever I want, but I feel is not the same to go to the cinema, to the mall or just for a walk ALONE, it just doesnt feel good, and nstead of make me feel happy , just depress me more , is not that back in my country I use to have a bunch of friends around all the time, but, the few I have the few I was sure I can count on with, plus being at work everyday give me the dosis of socialize I need, here is just the same routine, wake up clean , go out food shoipping or gym or whatever, come keep cleaning, cook, watch tv, paint, check the plants, I mean seems that a nice confortable life right? but I need friends, need to talk with people of my own age, the only person i talk with is his daughter and believe me people most of teh time i preffer just to keep in mute in front of her (this relationship stemother-stepdaughter is for another topic.. too long and too dramtic to describe it now) husband say go and make some friends , but is not that easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ther eis a girl around my corner who invite me to her house, the times i went she is always busy and i feel a bit unconfortable to just interrupt her.

I had a live already made in my country, friends already made throu the years, people here are the same everybody have it own life, and one for sure cant make friends from day to night, good friends take time to do.

I just feel like I born again and that I have to start from scratch...no body know me, no body know what i am able to do, what i know, my studies mean nothing here, i apply to many jobs and they dont even callme for an interview for being a receptionist!!!!!

Hang in there, it takes time to adjust, often over 1 year. You are doing the right things. You have to account that the US is not like Peru (seems you are from there), culturally. It takes longer to make friends and to getting used to things. I know this first hand. I am now bringing my fiancee and I know it will be challenging to say the least. What I did was to connect my fiancee with a friend of mine (from her own country) when she visited so at least she can take a break from English and talk about things familiar. I'm planning to set up a Skype, video etc, so she can talk to mother whenever she wants.

Even with that, I expect challenges. On the other side, you don't want to be around with all people from your country all the time. About the girl nearby your house, things are a bit different, you can't just show up at people's doors...cultural stuff...but if agree of a date/time, then it will probably go better.

SOme ways to make some friends is to find activities you like to do and then socialize there...not easy...but doable. It does feel odd to do things on your own (alone as you say), but again ..culture..There is no magical pill or advice. One day at a time.

[waitwaitwait 3]

Thank you v j'ers I hope I am listening carefully and keep your perspective when my wife joins me soon. I think about how much she cares about me and I think about this issue for her often. I realize how great an adjustment things will be for her. Thanks for you insite and pray for me to keep a sentitivity for her as we work through this adjustment periord. God bless and hope all works positively for you.

[Miss_Monkey 0]

Just think that when she is here, things at first are ok cause verything is new and even with the internet and all that eventually the homesick comes... i use to be an aoutgoingperson and now i dont feel like doing anything....

research what she likes to do and join her in classes doing my painting classes releaseme in certain way thank you for read my post...

Thank you very much for read my post and for take time replying me, i will try to find some volunteer thing to do i will keep posted

I know doesnt exist a magic pill to heal the pain but as u say maybe time....

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; heey!!

I am in the US for a couple of months now, and I am living the same life as you do!!

I wake up, watch tv, do groceries,come back home, clean the house, cook dinner for my fiance and spend some quality time together, I go to the gym (pilates, latin heat). and the next day it starts all over again.

I def know where you're coming from. I am also a very outgoing girl, but i don't like to go out, or whereever just by myself.. that looks weird!!!

BUT!!! I might have a solution!! www.meetup.org

You can select your area and join the groups you like, whether its a painting group, cultural group, food group, dance group and so on!!

When you join a group, you get an E-mail about actual meetings.. so you all come together and do that thing you joined the group for.

I even met Dutch people, since Im Dutch.. You can join a group with people from your home country.

You should give it a try, the website has social groups for everything!!

And its true, although I am here for quit some time now, it's hard to make good friends when you're older.

Hang in there!!

Maybe join salsa lessons? everything is on that website..

Good luck to you!!!

[Shere&Doug 0]

Its so sad, I feel ur pain and i can definately relate to ur situation... i have been in the US 6 years now and is now a citizen. All my friends and family are in Jamaica and i am missing dem like crazy i still after 6 years is trying to adjust to the culture here. the people here are so different. i myself dont have a lot of friends but the few i have they are great. I dont trust ppl easily and the few that i have tried to trust betrayed me here. SO i understand how u feel...and u definately dont want to be a bother to ur neighbour. It however will affect ur union if u let it stress u... please dont allow that to happen. Ur husband have invested time and money bringing you here and i know its hard you havent been here that long so at least try to give it a chance so he dont think u are not trying...he may need to introduce you to some of his friends wifes so you will be able to start build friendships... GIVE IT A CHANCE... Good Luck

[Merlin<3Aidan 2]

I have moved all over the place and no matter where I find myself Meetup.com has always worked for me. I have made some of my most favorite friends through that site. I recommend it as well for anyone that finds themselves new in town.

[monyfer 27]

I know it is hard to make friends! When I was living in Mexico with my FI, I didn't have any friends of my own. Even here in the US, when I moved to a new town it took me awhile to make friends. You will. It is great you are going to take paint classes and the gym. Like others said, meetup.com is awesome! Do you have a job? I think that is the easiest way to make friends when you are older - find a part time or full time job and invite your co-workers out to happy hour. Good luck!

[Dana-Mića 51]

Its hard at any time. I feel like its even harder when you don't have friends you have grown up with or been close to for years. My co-worker has been here for almost five years and even though she has friends from her country she wants friends who aren't with in her culture and its hard but she is trying in school and other places.

My problem will be I have a few good friends and none of them are Serbian once my non-english speaking Serbian husband gets here we won't really have anyone but my family to hang out with unless he starts learning English fast but we figured we will work on getting him here first and our living arrangements in order and than start meeting Serbian friends at church and places like that.

[Adam & May 4]

I'm not sure what you want to do for a job (not necessarily a career at this point).

Finding a job is tough for most right now, for a foreigner probably even more so. The plan we came up with for May was this...

She wanted to get a job for a year or two but not something she would necessarily do for the rest of her life. Since the medical field (caregiver) is going to be in high demand she decided to take a 3 week CNA course. She obtained her CNA license shortly after. Since she still didn't have her EAD/GC yet she decided to volunteer at a local nursing home. She volunteered 40 hours a week (patient activities not as CNA). She got to meet people, make some work friends but more importantly then got to know her.

When she finally did get her EAD there was no interview. The hired her as a CNA because they loved her as a patient activities volunteer.

She is meeting new people and slowly building a network of acquaintances and friends.

We hope things get better for you soon.

Adam & May

[TBoneTX 46,087]

I know doesnt exist a magic pill to heal the pain but as u say maybe time....

Homesickness will strike everyone -- no matter how alert we are or how we prepare for it. This is true for Americanos who live outside the U.S., too. Therefore, your feelings are quite normal and natural, si man.

I hesitate to suggest this, because (as I tell my wife) we don't eat our pets here, but if you really, really miss your food, you can go to a pet store and buy a cuy. Maybe you will decide to keep it as a pet. Or, a gato would be an excellent companion. Animals are not human, of course, but they are certainly good when one is lonely.

Edited to add: Years ago, I moved to a rather large city in the U.S. A native told me, "It will take you a full year before you begin to feel at home here." He was right.

Edited May 20, 2011 by TBoneTX

[Andie 147]

Just a thought, since you enjoy and have a talent for painting... are you able to find a shop or gallery nearby that might sell your work. It would be a contact as well as a purpose for your paintings. It may just be something to get involved in until you find something else you want to do?

[stevenandanna 0]

Hi,

There is a website expatriate community, the living aboarde website by expats for expats. You could find people with you nationality and where you live.

I wish it would help you.

http://www.expat-blog.com/

Good luck!

[Jubi & Tony 3]

I read your post an its one of the primary concerns of what I want to avoid when my Fiancee arrives in a few months. We have already agreed to do ball room class lessons one night a week and I referee soccer games and she wants to attend to meet my friends which is great. I also learned that there is a Philippine community gathering that occurs so she can meet others in the area who are also from her country. I want her happy..I want her to always feel that she made the right choice for us to be together. We have also discussed that when I retire that we will move back to the Philippines. I try to be pro-active in what I can do to ensure she won't feel bored for I feel if she does get bored that the boredom will fuel resentment. I love her and want her happy. I can only suggest try doing activities together with your husband in the even9ing that will give you the opportunity to meet others. You have to remember the friends you have at home country are the ones you spent a lifetime developing by doing activities and meeting them. In the sub-burbs your close friends will not always be your neighbor. It will many times be the friend you make at activities. Ask your husband to do a regular activity each week where you get to meet the same group of people. Good Luck