Dealing with the parents

[rylin 3]

let me share my opinion about this.. coz me and my fiance had already discussed this.lol

i am a filipina (hardheaded) lol and my fiance is an american (and a hard headed too) lol hehehe..

but what i like about our relationship is we talked and share everything that goes to our mind even if sometimes it will lead us to disagreement coz we dont drop the issue or just keep it in ourselves. we listen,argue,understand and come up with a solution that will be fair to the both of us..

so like for me i explained to ryan that helping our parents is a way of appreciation to our parents for giving us life and oppurtunity to live in this beautiful world.its one of the culture of the filipino(a) to help their parents at all cost.which some or most of the americans dont understand, coz their culture is different from us.

so what i did i told my fiance my plans and said that it is what it is u cant take it away from me i must help my parents,if the time comes that i will be able to get a job im going to help them but it doesnt mean that ill be sending them monthly pension, nope it wont be like that. we come up with a plan which is fair and my fiance agreed with it and that is we will give my parents 2 gifts...

1.) HOUSE =we are going to help them to have a nice and a comfortable house to live in.

2.) BUSINESS = we are going to give them some money for business and they shouLd work on it to make that business profitable where they can get all there daily expenses...and not expect that whenever they need they'll just call us and tell us we need money and there you go we wil be like an atm machine and thats not fun at all and we dont like it.

so a business that is profitable will make us feel good that our money is not wasted and my parents are helping us too and they still have their pride coz they dont just wait for our help they are the one who will work on it.so if the busines will work im sure it will, then good for them coz all the benefits of that business will go to them.

i already discussed it to my parents too, that this what will happen and never to expect and think that my husband to be is rich.. plus im not going to the US for just a vacation and rob all the banks there to send them money lol i am going there to be with the person whom i love so dearly and start a family of our own live a happy married life..

my parents understand and agreed to me..which is good and a relief in my part. so i think its fair to the both sides..

ohh plus i think

its more nice if the filipina will be the one to tell the parents and explained to them this things rather than let your fiance tell them this. coz it will be much nicer, more respectful and the pride of your parents wont be step on...

so me and my fiance are done discussing about this and i know in the near future we wont have this drama anymore.lol

its just a matter of compromising and trying to work things together! a WE and not I..

HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE!

[JSVP08 3]

from my observation, not only on this topic... why is it that this financial support for family always comes up?, does marrying an American entails having to mandatory or support the family that the person is leaving? let alone house or business that needs to be agreed upon? isn't it more logical if the family expects and even come into discussion of this financial issue/s if/and or when the member of the family is going to US to acquire work? for goodness sake, s/he is marrying, and who happens to be marrying a foreigner. I don't mean to be mean but i really shun on families who expects and/or demands financial support to a would be (yet) husband or wife of their children. Allow your child to move on with his/her new found life and at some point get a job so that s/he can resume his/her financial obligations. Its a shame to parents who put their children in the middle... i understand the self-guilt s/he will suffer.

its a different story if the family has really no one to rely upon but their child...now that's something they can amicably discuss.. however, imposing, asking and expecting too much too soon is absurd.

helping our family is inherent to us and i do help my family (parents only, no relatives ) myself but its something i have been doing since i started to work (at 20yo)...so moving here in the US isn't new... i started to help them financially ONLY when i got a job.

MY thoughts Only.

[JoBri 548]

My wife always knew I was poor, from the get-go, hehe. She was the rich one who gave up the job that would have left us set for life, the comfy "doesnt matter what it costs" good life.

Thank God she has no family she feels she needs to contribute to anymore.... because we dont have a penny to spare. And she basically knows the value of a dollar... I say "basically" because when we still have to figure out how we are going to pay the rent, she squanders her paycheck on things at the grocery store, such as Key Lime Pie for me, or something else extravegant to "make [you] happy", as she puts it. I dont need Key Lime Pie to make me happy...she just is very sweet.

Brian in Tennessee

[PhilAmTx 14]

"The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!"

For one, please don't generalize. Although helping our family members or relatives is deeply embedded in our culture/psyche as Filipinos, each family/individual is different. My Ma does not have a pension or a stable income as a small time organic farmer but she never force me or my brother (we're both adults and have stable jobs) to support her or give her money. She raised us single-handedly when our father abandoned us when we were kids, he never sent alimony or anything. That's why if we ever give our Ma any support which doesn't happen every month (only when we have something to give her,) it is out of love and respect for what she has done/sacrificed to raise us.

Two, help your fiancee educate her parents/family. It is a common misconception among Filipinos that most Americans/Westerners are rich. Help them understand where you're coming from and what you have. Sometimes, they're just concerned you might not be able to support or give their daughter a good life. They just don't know how to express their thoughts. Like the previous posters said, we Filipinos are very relational and family-oriented. We test/measure/equate intentions with material things or external gestures. Gifts or support (money) could mean to your future in-laws a better life, a responsible or generous husband for their daughter.

My fiance (USC) and I have early on talked about financial matters even if it is a very sensitive subject. We've come up with guidelines/compromises. We always try to split the costs in everything. He doesn't (has not) help any of my family and I don't/won't require him to. But he does help me with the fiancee visa expenses and the wedding.

Also, please be reminded that this is a public forum. Anyone can see/read your messages. Try to restrain your emotions, some people might misunderstand what you post here and others might think you are discriminating the Filipino culture/people. We have flaws too, we're not perfect.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, I think it will be best to talk about this matter with the concerned people (fiancee and family) first.

very well said... i agree

[lovelyjoy 13]

Thanks for the thumbs up acrossthemiles! I hope it helps the OP and others who are in the same situation.

[rylin 3]

from my observation, not only on this topic... why is it that this financial support for family always comes up?, does marrying an American entails having to mandatory or support the family that the person is leaving? let alone house or business that needs to be agreed upon? isn't it more logical if the family expects and even come into discussion of this financial issue/s if/and or when the member of the family is going to US to acquire work? for goodness sake, s/he is marrying, and who happens to be marrying a foreigner. I don't mean to be mean but i really shun on families who expects and/or demands financial support to a would be (yet) husband or wife of their children. Allow your child to move on with his/her new found life and at some point get a job so that s/he can resume his/her financial obligations. Its a shame to parents who put their children in the middle... i understand the self-guilt s/he will suffer.

its a different story if the family has really no one to rely upon but their child...now that's something they can amicably discuss.. however, imposing, asking and expecting too much too soon is absurd.

helping our family is inherent to us and i do help my family (parents only, no relatives ) myself but its something i have been doing since i started to work (at 20yo)...so moving here in the US isn't new... i started to help them financially ONLY when i got a job.

MY thoughts Only.

geee maybe you read my post negatively. or i missed some info about the real situation ..

but its your own thoughts..so its a ok.

just an addition we are in the same situation.. i have been helping my parents since i started working at the age of 17yo.

thats why leaving them is an issue not for them but for me coz i do love my family and i get worried so as much as possible it would be nice if i set things up and talk to them let them know what me and ryan have discussed coz that what family do.., even if they are not saying anything i know that they get worried if ever i move out.its just a daughter instinct

hmm the house and the business is a GIFT!and that gift will be given to them when i get a job not when i get to the us.. geee it would be really absurd..

so there..geeeee

[rylin 3]

"The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!"

For one, please don't generalize. Although helping our family members or relatives is deeply embedded in our culture/psyche as Filipinos, each family/individual is different. My Ma does not have a pension or a stable income as a small time organic farmer but she never force me or my brother (we're both adults and have stable jobs) to support her or give her money. She raised us single-handedly when our father abandoned us when we were kids, he never sent alimony or anything. That's why if we ever give our Ma any support which doesn't happen every month (only when we have something to give her,) it is out of love and respect for what she has done/sacrificed to raise us.

Two, help your fiancee educate her parents/family. It is a common misconception among Filipinos that most Americans/Westerners are rich. Help them understand where you're coming from and what you have. Sometimes, they're just concerned you might not be able to support or give their daughter a good life. They just don't know how to express their thoughts. Like the previous posters said, we Filipinos are very relational and family-oriented. We test/measure/equate intentions with material things or external gestures. Gifts or support (money) could mean to your future in-laws a better life, a responsible or generous husband for their daughter.

My fiance (USC) and I have early on talked about financial matters even if it is a very sensitive subject. We've come up with guidelines/compromises. We always try to split the costs in everything. He doesn't (has not) help any of my family and I don't/won't require him to. But he does help me with the fiancee visa expenses and the wedding.

Also, please be reminded that this is a public forum. Anyone can see/read your messages. Try to restrain your emotions, some people might misunderstand what you post here and others might think you are discriminating the Filipino culture/people. We have flaws too, we're not perfect.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, I think it will be best to talk about this matter with the concerned people (fiancee and family) first.

very well said lovely! love it...

[tonylovesam 8]

do you have a sister?

Sisters in Christ I have but I dont have biological sister. May I know why?

[lovelyjoy 13]

very well said lovely! love it...

Thanks Rylin!

[jimmysmitts 9]

I see the wanting help family as a positive and a sign of good character in my fiancée. I think the problem I have is when that goes overboard to the point it hurts our own family trying to help someone else, then compounds that by the fact they are ungrateful and expect / require it bothers me.

[rylin 3]

I see the wanting help family as a positive and a sign of good character in my fiancée. I think the problem I have is when that goes overboard to the point it hurts our own family trying to help someone else, then compounds that by the fact they are ungrateful and expect / require it bothers me.

hmmm yup your right it does happen butttt i believe that in everything that u do theres always a limitation...

its like you can help them but not to the extent that in the end of that you'll suffer..

thats what me and my fiancee discussed in one of our daily chats..

i love helping my parents so as ryan thats why we come up with an idea on how to help them..i already post it earlier.

i am positive that it will work in both sides without causing any heartaches or headaches..lol

[jnjune30 0]

Money subjects, it does not matter where are you from can be a little stressing and some how yo can have certainly have arguments with your SO when it happens.

Just like every one saying, you really need to talk to your gf, if was on the same position first you need to cool down, and talk to her with your head cold, not angry because if you are upset, you will have a discussion for sure, what i do is to negotiate with my fiance. I think you both know that you are from different cultures, besides that you guys are use to different things, knowing that you both need to make user you are in the same pad here, first yes helping families is ok , of course ...., but her family needs to know too that cannot force you to give them money, and that does not matter if you are rich or not, if you decide to help them is because you decided as a couple to do so. Like i once told my fiance, we are not going to take our food from our table, or not paying better school from our own children , just to help your brother or sister, or parents, why because they are grown ups and the can provide for them selves, if we have the money , if we agree on it then yes we are going to help them, but always with the knowledge from both sides, that is because you want to not because they are telling you to do it.

It does not matter if you are from Philippines or if you Mexican, like me , when you married some one you also getting married with the extended family, either you like or not that´s the way it is. But both families Philippine family and US family needs to be open to changes, and to things they are not use to, because their son, or their daughter are getting married with someone from another country.If it becomes on TAKE OR LEAVE IT, then i don´t think you should get married at all!!

GOOD LUCK!

NICK&JUSTIN

[adiiann 163]

I am dealing with a somewhat disturbing issue and hope that some of you may advise me. I met and am engaged to a wonderfu girl from the Philippines. We have files a K1 visa and are in the early stages. All seems good between us. BUT, according to the fiance', her parents think that I am 'rich' and have been continually pressuring my fiance for money for support, new appliances etc. Mind you, they haven't had the courtesy to wait until we are married.

The fiance', her brothers, and sister (who is married and here) are all apparently supporting the parents to some extent. I don't mind sending some xmas gifts, birthday, etc, but I really object to taking on "another monthly payment."

The whole support discussion almost caused me to leave the Philippines early when I visited and tell the whole family to "take a hike". I am coming off of a divorce in which my ex basically almost bankrupted us several times, so money is a real touchy issue.

I really don't know how to deal with this! The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!

Let me say that I do have a stable job (25 years) and am able to save, but I WILL NOT be made to feel that any prosperity that we may have in our marriage must be sent "back home."

I feel that I must deal with this up front in order to be able to trust my new wife. I would hate to give her a debit card and realize that she had sent several hundred to the family w/o my knowlege.

All I can say about your situation is, "It's all depends on your fiance/wife whether you are going to go through hell or not, when you're dealing with your in-laws". GoodLuck.

Edited May 21, 2011 by adiiann

[rlogan 2,036]

I also feel that it is a bit unfair of her parents to put her in the middle of this right now

Zero in on this because it isn't just unfair - it is cruel and abusive. It takes bad character to do this.

Good people can do bad things when they are in an environment that rewards it. The traditional Filipina extended family support network is one of reciprocity. It is mutual support, not one side leaching perpetually off another.

When a Filipina marries a foreigner, there is potential for the traditional extended family mutual support framework to become distorted into a welfare situation. All kinds of bad things can happen, and the worst of it is turning the family into professional manipulators. They'll invent all manner of crises and emergencies, laying them at your feet in a way that makes you feel obligated to pay - and when you do there is no gratitude, but instead another crisis lined up right behind it on the conveyor belt. If you help one sibling then you are a bad guy because you didn't help the other 36 siblings, cousins, etc.

This problem is the quintessential one for Filipino-Americano relationships, and if you cannot handle it then it will destroy you. Someone else pointed out that you already did pose the important matter yourself: this has to be worked out with certainty before you marry her.

If you help, it is on your terms. You have to be able to say no, and the wife must take your side. You don't even have to explain. Your true friends and family don't need it, and the others will never listen anyway. If they take on that attitude about how you are rich and therefore they deserve to leech off you - then they are people of bad character. Do not turn your family into people of bad character by rewarding manipulative behavior.

Good luck.

[new1 2]

Zero in on this because it isn't just unfair - it is cruel and abusive. It takes bad character to do this.

Good people can do bad things when they are in an environment that rewards it. The traditional Filipina extended family support network is one of reciprocity. It is mutual support, not one side leaching perpetually off another.

When a Filipina marries a foreigner, there is potential for the traditional extended family mutual support framework to become distorted into a welfare situation. All kinds of bad things can happen, and the worst of it is turning the family into professional manipulators. They'll invent all manner of crises and emergencies, laying them at your feet in a way that makes you feel obligated to pay - and when you do there is no gratitude, but instead another crisis lined up right behind it on the conveyor belt. If you help one sibling then you are a bad guy because you didn't help the other 36 siblings, cousins, etc.

This problem is the quintessential one for Filipino-Americano relationships, and if you cannot handle it then it will destroy you. Someone else pointed out that you already did pose the important matter yourself: this has to be worked out with certainty before you marry her.

If you help, it is on your terms. You have to be able to say no, and the wife must take your side. You don't even have to explain. Your true friends and family don't need it, and the others will never listen anyway. If they take on that attitude about how you are rich and therefore they deserve to leech off you - then they are people of bad character. Do not turn your family into people of bad character by rewarding manipulative behavior.

Good luck.

THAT is sooooo true! its actually happening to me..its sad coz its happens alot here, specially in rural areas in the Philippines, where im from i actually quoted you on that and posted it on my facebook changed a few words so it would fit on the allowed characters on the status hope you dont mind