Dealing with the parents

[Tim/Mav 305]

Hang in there Spikedog. You made 2 posts and both times you answered your own Question.

[gretchen_darren 67]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filipino_values

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtship_in_the_Philippines

I have written much so please read extremely carefully, some of this will bother you. But read it from a person who wants you to succeed.

Please see the links above, as well as other write-ups on the Filipina and the family values. It is vastly different from America. I can see where you are coming from. I understand exactly how it feels. My ex was the same way, I have nearly lost my house 3 times before she left. And I was left penniless when she moved out of the house. (You could not find even a penny in the house, somehow I managed to survive.)

Now You have found a wonderful girl who you like, love, and wish to marry. She is completely different, loving, caring from your ex. You actually feel loved by her, not just in words. What you are going through is normal for every single man in America marrying a foreign bride. America is such a melting pot and has the "live for yourself" attitude. Many countries have other traditions. Very deep traditions, and very deep values. You have to understand there is much compromise, and much work on these compromises. The road you are going down right now will lead to a miserable marriage with your Filipina. I compare the culture to more of backwoods Hilbilly of Appalachia Mountains then anything else. (sort of like the beverly hillbillies.) Family does for family. If you are not immediate family or married to a member of the immediate family, then they consider but only if they can afford to.

I know what my fiance is going through even though she does not tell me. There is unspoken language there. My fiance was nominated by her village and "father" to be part of the Santa Cruzan festival this year again. It is a fund raiser for the church. the more popular a girl is with her block or section, the more support she raises. the more money is given from her area. Yes, it bothered me because I knew she was nominated this year because of me. But I ALSO AGREED and PERMITTED her when she asked me if it was ok BEFORE I knew the rest of it. I WOULD still agree even IF I HAD known. It is her last year to be a part of it. But I also determined in my heart, I would support every single reyna from the purok each year as well not just my fiance. Yes, by the Filipino standard, even at $40,000, you have 1.72M php which is rich. My soon to be father in law, knows how much I make each year to the penny. I sat down and talked with him through my fiance. I WILL support him and his family. I will help a little now, BUT the main support WILL come after your daughter is here with me. My goal is to help him earn more. o invest in things to help him plus his sons earn a better living. I will not provide monthly support except when there is "rough seas" and he cannot make a living, but I will send monthly care packages. You Filipina WILL follow her dad UNTIL you are married. Then she will follow YOU even if it makes her miserable with her parents. (this will affect your marriage as well.) Her DAD's blessing is important. If her DAD withdraws HIS blessing, your marriage to her WILL NOT happen, no matter HOW Much you want it to or HOW much you have spent to get her here. Her DAD withdrawing HIS Blessing WILL be laid directly at you for failing to work with Him as a man.

In the philippines, when you are engaged to the Filipina, there are things to do. Gifts to give during the engagement. Traditional is working for the dad, doing things around their home. things to show how you can take care of a house, by helping with their house. the Filipinos still hold on to this tradition. But in place of it, they have accepted "gifts" or "monetary" support instead of the betrothed doing work around the house. Yes, it is upsetting to you since this is a tradition in their culture not practiced much in our culture apart from the farmers in the US. Her parents are wanting to know she is card for. Sit, talk, explain. how much it cost you, and cost to get her here. And if you will help after she is here. Be open and honest. Also, DO WHAT YOU SAY or just do not say it. Saying something there IS the same as DOING. I am doing things for my fiance and her family BECAUSE I have chosen to. It IS making for a much happier Filipina fiance, and much, much less stress while she is waiting on the visa approval. Please just learn the culture, understand the culture. it is a lot to learn. Just more then anything, be open and honest with her, and her parents. Explain to them what you are going through, and be open to listen to them.

The parents and her WILL work with you. Trust me, the more open and honest you are with her and her parents, the better the marriage will be.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I really don't know how to deal with this! The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion.

Just say no! I wish someone would have told me that before it was too late. Save yourself!

[BJZags 17]

My fiance told me upfront not to send money to relatives back home when we get married. I told him I would be sending my own money to help them. I'd exclude him from helping. It's better that way. I also told my family not to expect alot of stuff from him too.

I hear and read this all the time about only using "my own money" and have never understood are bought into this argument. In my mind, there is not really "my own money" in a marriage, only money that has been decided by the couple together to be ear-marked for specific purposes. Now, once the spouse is in America and working, there is obviously more money, so the ear-marked portion to help support the family could increase if desired. The "my money" argument reminds me of the old saying about marriage that there is "our money and her money."

[spikedog 2]

I hear and read this all the time about only using "my own money" and have never understood are bought into this argument. In my mind, there is not really "my own money" in a marriage, only money that has been decided by the couple together to be ear-marked for specific purposes. Now, once the spouse is in America and working, there is obviously more money, so the ear-marked portion to help support the family could increase if desired. The "my money" argument reminds me of the old saying about marriage that there is "our money and her money."

I agree completely. I do feel that both the parents and my girl don't realize that in the US, salaries are larger, but so are our expenses. Things don't scale completely one-to-one, but the same type of expenses are present. However, there are probably many expenses that we have in the US that are not present in the Phillipines. Probably the other way around too.

I also feel that it is a bit unfair of her parents to put her in the middle of this right now -- we need to be planning our future and be happy. As another member said, we need to be separate and have a life of our own. I'm sure her parent's influence will be much less when she is here.

I feel that I need to talk openly to my girl and set the priorities. Obviously, our financial survival is at the top of the list. Farther down the list will be her parents and both our families.

[BJZags 17]

I also feel that it is a bit unfair of her parents to put her in the middle of this right now -- we need to be planning our future and be happy. As another member said, we need to be separate and have a life of our own. I'm sure her parent's influence will be much less when she is here.

Don't be surprised if the "family" influence does not reduce when she is here. The immediate family unit is extremely important in the PHL, and her desire to support this family will never decline, nor should it. That is just a matter of cultural values and norms. Now, the requests coming directly from the family rather than from the Filipina is a bit surprising. In my experience, no self-respecting Filipino(a) would ever come looking for a "handout."

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Don't be surprised if the "family" influence does not reduce when she is here. The immediate family unit is extremely important in the PHL, and her desire to support this family will never decline, nor should it. That is just a matter of cultural values and norms. Now, the requests coming directly from the family rather than from the Filipina is a bit surprising. In my experience, no self-respecting Filipino(a) would ever come looking for a "handout."

That part is true. But as the frugal husband, you are expected to say, "No," to the initial request, then support your wife when she makes some sort of compromise. After all, it is better that you seem like the mean one, rather that the loyal daughter.

Just wait until the parents want to come to America. I already told the wife, "No problem. You can bring your parents after the divorce."

Edited May 19, 2011 by Some Old Guy

[gretchen_darren 67]

I am no expert, nor have I been through what you are going through. I have been trying to get information and HOW I CAN help...

hehe, Yes, it is true. As a man you are expected to say NO. You are expected to put your foot down on things. But the big key to really winning them over is saying NO after touching their hand to your forehead. they then know you respect them. Yes, it is vry very true most Filipinos will not ask for money or for things. Not unless something was said by you to give them that impression, or something in the past with the other relationships. I would HIGHLY recommend tlaking to the other husbands about the girl and her family as well.

My faince and her family ate cassava for dinner, or just did without instead of telling me they had no rice or food. When I was there and we bought food at the grocery store. They never told me they were almost out of rice. this was about 3 days after I arrived there. The second time was after I left about a month later. An Aunt had to tell me online. I had no idea. So I talk with many of the family now getting updates from everyone on what is going on there. My Filipina mahal ko is ashamed to ask me for money. Her family is extremely proud. they want her with me, more then they want money. But I have the advantage of having many people from her village already here in town with me, so I got to know them and her village very well very quickly. I do not know what it would be like without having had them to help me.

Saying NO is easy, it the compromise afterward, you have to live with. It will not get better when she is here. She will feel guilty about how good she is living and how bad off her parents are. It will get worse unless things ease up on her.

Edited May 19, 2011 by gretchen_darren

[dindo and patty 20]

Spikedog,

That is the norm when marrying a Filipina. It doesn't mean you have to bend over and do things that will be detrimental to you and your fiance's livelihood. You seem to be a reasonable person from your post here and how you feel about it. By that, I mean you are willing to help when you can. It is too bad that you're fiance is the one being put in the middle of all this and is causing strain in your relationship. Communication is vitally important here. Communicate with your fiance and tell her where you're coming from so that her family knows where you're coming from. If her family do not understand that, then that is too bad. Her family should accept you just the same whether you are able to help them or not. The last thing you want to be is an "Enabler." Put your foot down and draw the line and tell your fiance this is where the line is! Your first priority is you and your fiance's livelihood once she gets there. If there are times when you can help out, then go ahead and do so. I think once you talk to your fiance about this and help her family understand, all will be fine. I really hope that you can smooth things out with your fiance's family. Good luck!

I agree completely. I do feel that both the parents and my girl don't realize that in the US, salaries are larger, but so are our expenses. Things don't scale completely one-to-one, but the same type of expenses are present. However, there are probably many expenses that we have in the US that are not present in the Phillipines. Probably the other way around too.

I also feel that it is a bit unfair of her parents to put her in the middle of this right now -- we need to be planning our future and be happy. As another member said, we need to be separate and have a life of our own. I'm sure her parent's influence will be much less when she is here.

I feel that I need to talk openly to my girl and set the priorities. Obviously, our financial survival is at the top of the list. Farther down the list will be her parents and both our families.

[happyblessedme 12]

I am dealing with a somewhat disturbing issue and hope that some of you may advise me. I met and am engaged to a wonderfu girl from the Philippines. We have files a K1 visa and are in the early stages. All seems good between us. BUT, according to the fiance', her parents think that I am 'rich' and have been continually pressuring my fiance for money for support, new appliances etc. Mind you, they haven't had the courtesy to wait until we are married.

The fiance', her brothers, and sister (who is married and here) are all apparently supporting the parents to some extent. I don't mind sending some xmas gifts, birthday, etc, but I really object to taking on "another monthly payment."

The whole support discussion almost caused me to leave the Philippines early when I visited and tell the whole family to "take a hike". I am coming off of a divorce in which my ex basically almost bankrupted us several times, so money is a real touchy issue.

I really don't know how to deal with this! The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!

Let me say that I do have a stable job (25 years) and am able to save, but I WILL NOT be made to feel that any prosperity that we may have in our marriage must be sent "back home."

I feel that I must deal with this up front in order to be able to trust my new wife. I would hate to give her a debit card and realize that she had sent several hundred to the family w/o my knowlege.

My twon cents worth is talk to ur fiancee in a nice way to the point that she will understand where u stand at with regards to finances.

We DO support or help our family and relatives only because we want to and NOt because we will obligate the american son in law to support the whole family everymonth.

We send financial support to my mom every single month and that is because it is my husband's promise to my mom,,it is my husband's will and with me working i am able to help as well.

Let ur fiancee's family know that u are not a BANK that they can take advantage of.If she wants to send money back home then let her find a job once she is here.

[justashooter 430]

Marriage is a laissez-passer,a passport to travel in tandem on life's journey. The first task of a good marriage is to separate psychologically from the family of origin. To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgment and your own ability to make choices. As to my case, I stand by my fiance (american) over my family.

do you have a sister?

[spikedog 2]

My twon cents worth is talk to ur fiancee in a nice way to the point that she will understand where u stand at with regards to finances.

We DO support or help our family and relatives only because we want to and NOt because we will obligate the american son in law to support the whole family everymonth.

We send financial support to my mom every single month and that is because it is my husband's promise to my mom,,it is my husband's will and with me working i am able to help as well.

Let ur fiancee's family know that u are not a BANK that they can take advantage of.If she wants to send money back home then let her find a job once she is here.

Thanks for your kind words. You must be Filipina and I appriciate your opinion more than most. I love my girl more than I can describe. I will talk to her and i feel that our relatiobship is strong enough for some direct discussion.

As I said, I want to help her family, but I think they are placing too much pressure on my girl. I want to discuss it, but I also, don't want to 'get tough' with her.

[Messybrownhair 251]

I just want to add that not all Filipino girls are like that. I, or my family have never asked my hubby for anything back then and until now.. ^.^

[Messybrownhair 251]

Thanks for your kind words. You must be Filipina and I appriciate your opinion more than most. I love my girl more than I can describe. I will talk to her and i feel that our relatiobship is strong enough for some direct discussion.

As I said, I want to help her family, but I think they are placing too much pressure on my girl. I want to discuss it, but I also, don't want to 'get tough' with her.

I think you are very nice and compassionate. I'm sure this can be settled with just a heart-to-heart talk and make her/her family truly understand the situation of your finances.. Make them know that you are not an ATM, and that you also work hard for your money. There is no harm in asking, its just not something to abuse. Maybe you can offer to send a fixed amount, if this is really something needed. Then its something you can prepare for. I hope you work it out

[PAGE 11 14]

I can understand what you are dealing with, and I am sorry you are in this situation. I think in general Filipino families have the best interest of their daughter in mind, but of course there will exceptions--those who may try to take advantage of the foreign husband/fiance whom they perceive as rich.

Yes, salaries AND expenses in the US are much higher, but even so the general standard of living there is way better than many Filipinos especially in the countryside. And so most Filipino parents will be happy their daughter will enjoy a better life, and for some there will be an expectation that their daughter's new prosperity will filter through to them, especially to support younger siblings.

You seem to be a perceptive and sensitive man, you will decide what is the truth in your situation and give (or not) according to your heart. I think it's also important to involve your fiancee in your thinking process--a good way to get to know each other (and each other's cultures) even better. She also needs to start weaning herself from her family--and you can help her too in this process.

In our case, I have never asked my fiance (USC) for money nor do I expect him to support my family in anyway. But I have different circumstances than your fiancee. And I would like to say that I very much admire the USC men here who are helping their fiancees/wives' families, especially in ways that will help them generate their own income.

I wish you all the best.