Dealing with the parents

[spikedog 2]

I am dealing with a somewhat disturbing issue and hope that some of you may advise me. I met and am engaged to a wonderfu girl from the Philippines. We have files a K1 visa and are in the early stages. All seems good between us. BUT, according to the fiance', her parents think that I am 'rich' and have been continually pressuring my fiance for money for support, new appliances etc. Mind you, they haven't had the courtesy to wait until we are married.

The fiance', her brothers, and sister (who is married and here) are all apparently supporting the parents to some extent. I don't mind sending some xmas gifts, birthday, etc, but I really object to taking on "another monthly payment."

The whole support discussion almost caused me to leave the Philippines early when I visited and tell the whole family to "take a hike". I am coming off of a divorce in which my ex basically almost bankrupted us several times, so money is a real touchy issue.

I really don't know how to deal with this! The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!

Let me say that I do have a stable job (25 years) and am able to save, but I WILL NOT be made to feel that any prosperity that we may have in our marriage must be sent "back home."

I feel that I must deal with this up front in order to be able to trust my new wife. I would hate to give her a debit card and realize that she had sent several hundred to the family w/o my knowlege.

[canadian_wife 1,829]

Perhaps you should post this on the PI forum, you may get more support and regional answers

I'm sorry, have you discussed this with your fiance yet? I think that it is common for other cultures to assume americans are 'rich'. Maybe a frank discussion about fiances and your expectations are in order BEFORE you got married. My husband and I had a very honest (actually many very honest) money discussions before we got married...it is something that all couples should do in my opinion

Good luck

[DaveE 178]

Some non judgemental advide. Learn more about the filipino culture before you commit to something as serious as marriage. You are in many cases marrying the family. You cannot impose your values or norms on another culture. My wife does not have to tell me if she sends something home. She does not have to tell me if she uses her debit card for anything she wants. She will tell me that cousin X needs help with college books and all the family would like to give a little.

Filipino's value education, if anything more than the american culture. An entire extened family will assist if necessary to get the kids through college. They will work harder than most americans can imagine to put their kids in a good school.

Do some families try to take advantage? Of course because they are human and have the same failings as the rest of us. The average middle class american family is RICH and very well off by comparison to the average filipino family.

Filipino's are much more extended family oriented than americans. My wife knows cousins so far removed that I laugh when I think about it. They are real family people and will help each other as much as possible. Do not try to turn your wife into an American. It is not fair to her, and in most cases will lead you both to lots of misery.

[souleymon 27]

Just as answered above.You need know that Marrying someone below par would require needed financial assistance in one way or the other.

Giving such assistance should be a gesture and not an enforcement.Speak your mind to your woman and let her relate it to her family.Let them understand that it cost to even move her down and that consideration should be for the future and not a one time milking off they are trying to get off you.

[Fela's Girl 1]

The best thing is to be honest from the jump about your feelings. Most of all know and understand the customs of your wife's culture. Your wife will be able to work at some point and contribute to helping out the family from time to time. Trust is important and when you love someone. It shouldn't be so limited on what you would do for that person (which is caring and respecting her culture.) You may need more time to think about your relationship if your thinking about an ex-wife and comparing the situation. Old baggage should never intwine with the new. If this is your only issue don't let it cause you happiness. Put a limit on what you can afford to do and let your wife know and the family will have to except that. Good Luck!

[Daniel&Theary 30]

I have Filipino friends that have been in the states for Generations and they still help to support there families back in the Phils. It is very respectable trait they have alot of values that was long ago forgotten by most Americans. Family is very important to them and the needs of the family. If this is not something you can not afford you need to have a talk with her and let her know were you stand financially She make think that 30 or 40,000 is a lot of money but in the states it is barely livable on. Our reality of money and theirs is different. My advice have a long talk with her about this but be prepared if it something you can not help with or just refuse to help with you might lose her. One of my friends helped her family out until his wife found a job then the support came from her check something they agreed on before marriage. I wish you luck

[jrmejia 31]

Just be honest with them and tell them just because you have a nice job that does not mean you are not super rich to burn money.

One advice I like to give you. If she asks for anything give it to her and you will be very happy. I mean, give her anything you can afford.

my 2 cents.

[tonylovesam 8]

Some non judgemental advide. Learn more about the filipino culture before you commit to something as serious as marriage. You are in many cases marrying the family. You cannot impose your values or norms on another culture. My wife does not have to tell me if she sends something home. She does not have to tell me if she uses her debit card for anything she wants. She will tell me that cousin X needs help with college books and all the family would like to give a little.

Filipino's value education, if anything more than the american culture. An entire extened family will assist if necessary to get the kids through college. They will work harder than most americans can imagine to put their kids in a good school.

Do some families try to take advantage? Of course because they are human and have the same failings as the rest of us. The average middle class american family is RICH and very well off by comparison to the average filipino family.

Filipino's are much more extended family oriented than americans. My wife knows cousins so far removed that I laugh when I think about it. They are real family people and will help each other as much as possible. Do not try to turn your wife into an American. It is not fair to her, and in most cases will lead you both to lots of misery.

Marriage is a laissez-passer,a passport to travel in tandem on life's journey. The first task of a good marriage is to separate psychologically from the family of origin. To have a good marriage, you must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on your own moral judgment and your own ability to make choices. As to my case, I stand by my fiance (american) over my family.

[hoody 8]

This is the one topic that's gonna be most argued/talked about and this is one difficult culture difference couples need to discuss about. I suggest you talk with your fiance about it first. Her family also needs to understand your culture to be fair.

My fiance told me upfront not to send money to relatives back home when we get married. I told him I would be sending my own money to help them. I'd exclude him from helping. It's better that way. I also told my family not to expect alot of stuff from him too. I think it is rude to expect stuff and get upset if you don't get some. I swear i don't that part of filipino mentality.

and oh, i remember a saying. if you marry a filipina you marry the family too. what do you think?

[Otto 83]

**Duplicate topics merged.

[lovelyjoy 13]

"The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!"

For one, please don't generalize. Although helping our family members or relatives is deeply embedded in our culture/psyche as Filipinos, each family/individual is different. My Ma does not have a pension or a stable income as a small time organic farmer but she never force me or my brother (we're both adults and have stable jobs) to support her or give her money. She raised us single-handedly when our father abandoned us when we were kids, he never sent alimony or anything. That's why if we ever give our Ma any support which doesn't happen every month (only when we have something to give her,) it is out of love and respect for what she has done/sacrificed to raise us.

Two, help your fiancee educate her parents/family. It is a common misconception among Filipinos that most Americans/Westerners are rich. Help them understand where you're coming from and what you have. Sometimes, they're just concerned you might not be able to support or give their daughter a good life. They just don't know how to express their thoughts. Like the previous posters said, we Filipinos are very relational and family-oriented. We test/measure/equate intentions with material things or external gestures. Gifts or support (money) could mean to your future in-laws a better life, a responsible or generous husband for their daughter.

My fiance (USC) and I have early on talked about financial matters even if it is a very sensitive subject. We've come up with guidelines/compromises. We always try to split the costs in everything. He doesn't (has not) help any of my family and I don't/won't require him to. But he does help me with the fiancee visa expenses and the wedding.

Also, please be reminded that this is a public forum. Anyone can see/read your messages. Try to restrain your emotions, some people might misunderstand what you post here and others might think you are discriminating the Filipino culture/people. We have flaws too, we're not perfect.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, I think it will be best to talk about this matter with the concerned people (fiancee and family) first.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Ultimately it is your money and you get to decide how to spend it. My husband has 21 siblings and gets requests for everything from money for food to phones and laptops. His mother gets a little money every couple of months. 2 of the siblings that are favorites tend to get little things once in a while, a sibling in engineering school gets help sometimes. The sister that travels all for vacations has gotten nothing. They can "expect" all they want. If you start handing it out like candy the level of those requests will keep going up. If you choose wisely about how to give out money then they will learn that you are not going to hand it out wildly

[jimmysmitts 9]

I am dealing with a somewhat disturbing issue and hope that some of you may advise me. I met and am engaged to a wonderfu girl from the Philippines. We have files a K1 visa and are in the early stages. All seems good between us. BUT, according to the fiance', her parents think that I am 'rich' and have been continually pressuring my fiance for money for support, new appliances etc. Mind you, they haven't had the courtesy to wait until we are married.

The fiance', her brothers, and sister (who is married and here) are all apparently supporting the parents to some extent. I don't mind sending some xmas gifts, birthday, etc, but I really object to taking on "another monthly payment."

The whole support discussion almost caused me to leave the Philippines early when I visited and tell the whole family to "take a hike". I am coming off of a divorce in which my ex basically almost bankrupted us several times, so money is a real touchy issue.

I really don't know how to deal with this! The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!

Let me say that I do have a stable job (25 years) and am able to save, but I WILL NOT be made to feel that any prosperity that we may have in our marriage must be sent "back home."

I feel that I must deal with this up front in order to be able to trust my new wife. I would hate to give her a debit card and realize that she had sent several hundred to the family w/o my knowlege.

0

I have some of the same issues. The best thing I can suggest is setting clear expectations in a harsh manner. I say harsh because I have noticed Filipinos will bend you over and take you for all you are worth if you are nice (they will do this with a smile on their face). How? Her family charged beer and household supplies to my hotel account with out my knowledge. I paid it and told them nicely to never do it again. They did.. Then I turned harsh I refused to pay the tab and sat there for 4 hours in the lobby until they paid the tab. Told them if they ever did it again I would inform the hotel staff and have them removed.

I have chosen to give her mother who is a widow a small amount of money for food and groceries to help out. The brother then stopped giving any money to her and told her she would have to get money from me. I called his bluff and stopped sending money and when he asked I told him she is his mother and she can starve for all I care. He started giving her money again.

I am lucky that for the most part I can trust my fiancée with money around her family although she has fallen into the guilt trap with them and I always keep one eye on my bank account (to quote Reagen "trust but verify"). You will need to trust her at some point (you are marrying her) be honest with her about your concerns chances are if she is anything like my fiancée she is ashamed of it and feels stuck.

I also send them information on my finances so that they do not think I am a filthy rich american and I am just being an a-hole. If you do have an abundance of money and her family is not lazy but is struggling and you choose not to help them but instead buy a BMW then you are an a-hole. I love my fiancée and she loves her family seeing her upset over them struggling makes me upset and want to help. Her family members are extremely hard workers and I helped them move rice in the family store and some are school teachers so it is not just a matter of them laying around not working and drinking beer.

Just think of it like this if you do not let them know how much money you have imagine you had a rich uncle that you thought had 100 million dollars and you were working 10 hours a day struggling to support a family on 30k a year. The uncle never gave you money or gifts but knew you were struggling, what would you think of him? Now if you knew your uncle really only had 100k and had monthly expenses of 99k lived modestly and worked 10 hours a day to support his own family you might not think any less of him. (sorry i think a rambled a little on this point)

I also financed a new store for them so they could do more than just rely on me for money but actually have a new revenue stream. I have visited them twice and checked on the store, I also require receipts just to make sure they are following through.

TLDR; You marry a filipina you marry the whole family.. if you are not ok with this leave now.

[jimmysmitts 9]

Two, help your fiancee educate her parents/family. It is a common misconception among Filipinos that most Americans/Westerners are rich. Help them understand where you're coming from and what you have. Sometimes, they're just concerned you might not be able to support or give their daughter a good life. They just don't know how to express their thoughts. Like the previous posters said, we Filipinos are very relational and family-oriented. We test/measure/equate intentions with material things or external gestures. Gifts or support (money) could mean to your future in-laws a better life, a responsible or generous husband for their daughter.

Exactly! Well said.

[spikedog 2]

Thanks for your thought on the matter. I don't want (or mean) to offend any Filipino people here and I realize this is a 'touchy' subject. I do need to talk more to my fiance' about this -- and will. I really have no problem helping when I can and when it is really needed, like I would with my family here.

What is very strange to me is that in the US, you are almost expected to more or less flaunt your wealth in front of your new in-laws to say "hey I can take care of your daughter." A good job and income are expected. In this case I feel quite the opposite, almost that I should 'play poor' and talk about how I need a new furnace, kitchen floor, and drive a 20 year-old truck. The kicker was when she asked me to provide pictures if my house, so she could convince her parents that I was not rich. Somehow, I don't think this will have the effect she desires.

I am paying 100% of my fiance's expenses regarding the K1 and her travel here.

Maybe its not as bad as I make it out to be, but times are hard here too.