Cultural Adjustment

[san diego 407]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

I believe there is a period of adjustment for all new immigrants and that the worst time is from about 2 months after they arrive until the first year or so. Alla spoke English well and started Masters courses within a week, but she did not drive for about 2 months and that was difficult. She needs you a lot and you have to make her a priority. It is far mre difficult that any waiting you went through to get the visa (you probably already forgot about that) You need supreme patience, you need to be supremely supportive. You need to spend ALL your available time for her. It gets better and it is all worth it.

Besides ESL classes, she may want to check out some sort of volunteer work.

[Messybrownhair 251]

I too hard a hard time initially. As happy as I was to be with my hubby, I would cry coz I missed my family. I think it will get better in time, and for now you should just continue what you are doing. I think it is great that you are really looking after her well-being and trying your best, and it will only get better from there. Shopping, sightseeing, etc. Once she gets the hang of speaking in English it will be better too Goodluck!

I believe there is a period of adjustment for all new immigrants and that the worst time is from about 2 months after they arrive until the first year or so. Alla spoke English well and started Masters courses within a week, but she did not drive for about 2 months and that was difficult. She needs you a lot and you have to make her a priority. It is far mre difficult that any waiting you went through to get the visa (you probably already forgot about that) You need supreme patience, you need to be supremely supportive. You need to spend ALL your available time for her. It gets better and it is all worth it.

Besides ESL classes, she may want to check out some sort of volunteer work.

I agree. Spend as much time with her as you can. My hubby works a lot and as much as I liked his family, I was just more comfortable being with him and not forcing myself to socialize with others

[payxibka 10,045]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

Only unusual for the K-1 visa forum... moving thread

[Purple Turtle 17]

For starters, it's great that you have enrolled her in ESL classes and that your family is her support group. Is she fond of books? She could join a book club in the local library. It's a great way to meet new people.

[san diego 407]

I believe there is a period of adjustment for all new immigrants and that the worst time is from about 2 months after they arrive until the first year or so. Alla spoke English well and started Masters courses within a week, but she did not drive for about 2 months and that was difficult. She needs you a lot and you have to make her a priority. It is far mre difficult that any waiting you went through to get the visa (you probably already forgot about that) You need supreme patience, you need to be supremely supportive. You need to spend ALL your available time for her. It gets better and it is all worth it.

Besides ESL classes, she may want to check out some sort of volunteer work.

Thank you, this is helpful! Does she need work permit for volunteer work? We thought about it but I thought she needs work permit. Doesn't she?

For starters, it's great that you have enrolled her in ESL classes and that your family is her support group. Is she fond of books? She could join a book club in the local library. It's a great way to meet new people.

Yes, she is! This is a great suggestion! Thank you!

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

Thank you, this is helpful! Does she need work permit for volunteer work? We thought about it but I thought she needs work permit. Doesn't she?

Yes, she is! This is a great suggestion! Thank you!

I have been here for 6 Months now and I volunteer full time. I work in my area of interest (Special education) and I also volunteer at the local public radio station. It is a GREAT way to meet people. I would highly recommended you suggest it to your wife.

She can absolutely volunteer...I sent an email to places that were interesting to me explaining that I cannot seek paid employment yet due to my visa restrictions but would love to volunteer my time in some capacity. Then you have proof if necessary that no payment was discussed (because this process has made me aware and over cautious of such matters).

As another poster also said...local classes or book groups are great too. I attend a weekly local yoga class and have received social invitations where my husband is the +1 which is nice

Can you encourage your wife to make a weekly or fortnightly Skype date with her family? When I first arrived, my husband also gave me a list of projects we needed to work on around to house and I had some objectives for my day Could you do something like this?

It is hard. It wasn't that hard for me...but there were definitely things I did not expect to be so difficult.

She has a car which is a huge deal! Make sure you know she has some money so she can go and do things and so she can have some financial independence. She may or may not be comfortable asking for money.

You could also find new things together...my husband is new to Vermont. We moved here after being in Scotland for 3 years. We are discovering this place together...can you incorporate that too? I think it would be hard to try and 'fit' into your spouses life instead of starting a new one together...if that makes sense. I don't kno if that is your situation.

Also...remember your wife has taken this huge step and she is obviously a strong and adventurous woman. Help and support her...but don't worry too much. It's a tough thing to do and she will be stronger after going through it.

Good luck, have fun!

Edited May 11, 2011 by Helen Louise Pile

[turveydrop 4]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

Search Google for local Russian communities, maybe post an ad on Craigslist for new friends, especially Russian-speaking ones?

[rodceasar 34]

As mentioned above, I think that any new immigrant to the US experiences this issue. To compensate, I ensure that my spouse has calling cards to talk with her family regularly, introduced her to spouses of my friends so she can communicate with others here besides me, got her comfortable with going out and walking to acclaimate her into the new environment, joined a church, and started a web based business for her to occupy her time during the day. We still have these challenges and she has only been her 8 months but you have to keep working on it!

[RandyN 10]

This is unusual topic. My fiancee came to US about 1.5 weeks ago (in fact I accompanied her on the way here). We got married. She is in great spirit however I feel how shocking this transition is for her. She has no friends, scared to speak English to other people, everything is a shock. She came from Russia and everything is new: streets, people, the way everyone drives. I had to go back to work and thus cannot spend much time with her during the week. I tried to make it easy on her as much as I can: I got her a car (thank god California allows foreigners to use their DL!), my relatives try to take her out during the week when they can, we take weekend trips, she went for ESL lessons. I still feel that this is not enough.. People that had good experience with adjustment of their foreign fiancee, please, share: what worked well for you? Activities? Classes? Courses? I just feel how miserable she is but cannot do anything. She is like on an island. Sharing good experiences only would be appreciated.

Get her a GPS for the car and put the grocery store, mall, etc in there so she can get around without feeling like she'll get lost. Don't forget to put your home in there too so she can find her way back!

[Maleman 5]

I believe just about everyone’s loved one has experienced this reality initially. As posted throughout this discussion, keeping her busy is most helpful. Prior to her getting either the EAD or GC, she should not take one penny in form of payment. There is no problem in her volunteering, again, so long has she does not take any form of recompense. In our case, ensuring she had financial independence (money) available to her, entertainment, phone access to call family (check into Magic Jack and Vonage), and then volunteer work was a real blessing. The first thing I did was research areas for her to volunteer, introduced her personally to the staff members, and then drove her to the place where she volunteered about (3) times a week. Shortly after, we received the EAD card, she was hired on full-time. Now in your case, you say that your wife has difficulty with English. While this might cause some anxiety, it’s a good idea to get her out to meet people (that speak English of course) that she feels comfortable hanging around. In summary, keeping your loved one active and reassured of your support goes a long way in achieving happiness and acclimating her to a new culture. Also, check around the larger towns and cities to see if there is a support group affiliated with her country. Many great concepts have been given within this post. Sounds like you are a caring husband, I have faith she will soon feel at home. (Smile)

[Jeff and Tatiana 0]

A great many good ideas. My wife spoke English fluently before arriving, but did not drive. She had never driven in her life, being in Texas that is a difficult thing to overcome. One thing that helped a great deal and mentioned already is that I bought her parents a computer and paid for the internet install, her parents now pay the monthly internet charge themselves, but the skype/msn video chats are priceless!! They meet online about 2 to 3 times a week and just visit. It is wonderful for them both, not only her, but her parents to know she is doing well.

Also the idea of a GPS is great and the little chores. Once my wife did start to drive giving her the freedom to do things for US is important. Tatiana wanted to feel like she was helping, so I asked her to get the dry cleaning, drop off hers and mine then pick it up. I also asked her to get the groceries for us. She loves this, it gives her defined little jobs to take care of on her own. Also Tatiana is not working yet, so I give her money like a salary, so she is used to getting "paid". This money is hers, she can save it, blow it or whatever she wants. It is completely up to her. Again this is about freedom. I wanted her to feel like she had her own life outside of me, to help her adjust more to being independent from me when I am working or have guy things to do with my friends.

I will admit we got very lucky. There is a Russian Deli in the area, where Tatiana met a great lady and they hit it off. They would hook up and shop together and have a girls night out. Later she also met a wonderful Russian lady in Macy's! hehe. Again a great lady and her husband and I get along great, so we do some fun couples things. As time passes it will get better, but with the advice from above and what I have mentioned, I think you have some food for thought.

Oh, by the way Congratulations and welcome to the journey!!

Jeff

[san diego 407]

Thank you, everyone for great suggestions! This is extremely helpful!

[Harsh_77 718]

1.5 weeks Is too short of the time, she needs more time to adjust. It takes approx a year by the time she completely adjusts with culture here.

[Casprd 167]

Get her a GPS for the car and put the grocery store, mall, etc in there so she can get around without feeling like she'll get lost. Don't forget to put your home in there too so she can find her way back!

great idea. My wife is scared to drive when she gets here so I have already made plans with her to show here all the bus routes so she can get around until she feels comfortable driving. A couple days in 100 degree heat at the bus stop should convince her that driving isn't so bad. This is something I have worried about alot and great suggestions by all