My husband and my child

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I think she's very smart to come and ask advice before the problem gets out of control.

When my SO got here, my children just loved him! He wisely kind of stood back and let them get used to him before stepping into any sort of parental role. And even then, it was basically "listen to your mother".

After several years, though, the oldest had a change of heart, and has decided that she hates my husband - she refuses to live here because he's here. I would love for her to come back, as difficult as it was to deal with 2 people who don't get along, but she won't. Her father is encouraging her behavior. She even stopped talking to me for a while.

Some people might think I'm horrible for 'letting' him stay, but it's much more complicated than that. First of all, and most importantly, my other 2 children need him. They love him very very much, and he's extremely important to them. Their father is around, but not very emotionally warm or available. They (all 3) had a difficult time adjusting to their parents' divorce and remarriages. They (2 younger ones) love both step-parents, and if they lost any of the 4 of us (parents or step-parents), it would be devastating for them. The second most important reason (since the children ARE the most important part of this situation) is that my daughter's therapist (I wish she still had the same therapist! - that's a long story) said that especially with my daughter's personality, it would be a horrible idea to give her 'power' over others' lives. I agree - it doesn't make sense to disrupt 4 other people's lives so that one teenager can get her way. Of course, if there was a real reason, it would be different - and we'd figure out a way to cope. But since the two of them just don't get along right now, it wouldn't make sense. (see loved him when he got here, she disliked him for a little while a few years ago, then decided she liked him again, and now hates him - it's been back and forth with her)

(By the way, the children's father tried to get the school to change the oldest child's schedule because she "didn't like" one of her teachers. Seriously, does he plan to follow her around all of her life and 'fix' things, instead of trying to teach her how to get along with people?)

Then there are all the other reasons - like the fact that we love each other (of course), we jointly own the house and everything, he has nowhere else to go (neither do I, really - especially with children! - and no family members very close by), we are barely getting by with both incomes, etc. Seriously, he's a wonderful person - loving, kind, helpful... and he's been a good influence on all of us - giving me encouragement, for example. It was quite an adjustment for all of us, of course, and I think that he did well. But it really IS difficult for children of certain ages (pre-teen and teen especially) to adjust to having a new step-parent, and also difficult for someone to step into an already existing family - especially when they're changing countries, and have never been married before.

It sounds to me like the OP's husband and son aren't bad people - they're just going through a difficult adjustment period. I didn't hear anything that would warrant "getting rid of" the husband. It sounds to me like the husband isn't rejecting the son, he just doesn't want to "step on any toes". I think that's admirable, even if I don't agree - I think that having another adult in his life can be a wonderful thing. She can explain to her husband that he can be an addition to her son's life, and not worry that anyone will think he's trying to be a replacement for the father. I can see his point - I wouldn't like if my children's step-mother tried to take my place (for the record, I'm happy they have a female in their life who they love for those days I don't get to see them).

I don't recommend trying to get them to bond, though - you're right about that - that's something that needs to develop on its own. If your son feels like you're "making him" like his step-father, he's likely going to resist. Enjoy the fact that they're civil to each other, and (if I remember correctly) that your husband doesn't complain about your son in front of him. I do know how difficult it is to hear someone you love complain about someone else that you love. I don't have a solution for you, though. Except maybe to keep in mind that if your husband came from a less privileged background, it's difficult to deal with how spoiled your son must seem to him. I let my husband vent (when the kids weren't around, of course) about how much food they wasted, how much stuff they have (and didn't seem to care about) - because I know he didn't have much to eat or play with. It's funny - I think I expected my husband to be more appreciative of things that he was. It's not that he doesn't appreciate anything, it's just that I didn't expect him to be so... picky about things! For example, he won't eat leftover meat - he says it smells bad (even if it's the next day). And it took him FOREVER to find him shoes that he liked.

I don't know how long you've been divorced, or how long you've been remarried. Or the personalities of your son or husband. But I do understand (for what it's worth) that you're in a difficult, exhausting place. My best advice next time either of them starts is to say something like "I understand. You're entitled to your feelings, but I just can't listen right now. I'm sorry you feel that way about him, and I hope you two can continue to be polite to each other, and hope you get along some day soon." Is there someone else they can vent to? I hope it improves, and soon.

I DO think that figuring out a way for them to get along better is very important. I hate that my first born has pulled away from the family, and wish I knew how to change that. I know that most children 'leave' once they're 18 or so - and kind of start pulling away earlier than that so they can spend more time with their friends. I just didn't expect my daughter to stop living with me as a young teenager.

Best of luck to the OP, and anyone else having similar problems.

Would you do it again if you knew your daughter wouldnt be with you?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Right right right - you are so right HIT. Every American woman leaves her kid in the dust when she finds a Moroccan man!! And all Moroccan men will molest your teenage daughter!!! No Americans married to Americans put their children second or third to new husband etc and NO American men molest children. Its those awful mena men you need to look out for.

The woman is going through a difficult step family situation

that is typical regardless of nationalities and graciously asked for help. Your spewing of bitterness and hatred and horror stories gets really old. We get it - you had an awful experience and you choose to be around low lifes who treat people horribly. We really get it.

I know you are an ardent defender of these relationships and in my opinion, a blind one. We have one girl posting whos child has left her and another one posting who s step father is distant. No of course all of these relationships are not bad ones but where is the position of dissent here? I can like someone all day long, think their culture is fabulous and think their presence and attitude are toxic to a child. Bringing someone you barely know, younger than you and from a foreign culture is weird to alot of Americans...and teens want to fit in and its no shock she moved out. Her father is pointing out the obvious.. Its hard enough to be a teen without your late 30s mom to early 40s mom marrying someone younger than her instead of picking out prom dresses and mothering and and parenting.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I know you are an ardent defender of these relationships and in my opinion, a blind one. We have one girl posting whos child has left her and another one posting who s step father is distant. No of course all of these relationships are not bad ones but where is the position of dissent here? I can like someone all day long, think their culture is fabulous and think their presence and attitude are toxic to a child. Bringing someone you barely know, younger than you and from a foreign culture is weird to alot of Americans...and teens want to fit in and its no shock she moved out. Her father is pointing out the obvious.. Its hard enough to be a teen without your late 30s mom to early 40s mom marrying someone younger than her instead of picking out prom dresses and mothering and and parenting.

Imagine being a teen and your mom took off to Morocco or wherever... you never met this guy and now shes engaged to a man you have never met and younger than her with a different religion and all of the sudden your mom is acting different. Its not shocking that kids move out. It seems ok to the person in love. But look at it from other angles. Its just weird to some kids and extended families.If they were open to begin with they will keep being open. I have a child who is half arabic and I honestly know that even her birth made ripples in my family, especially among older people.

To a conservative American family, its no shock if some ex husbands have just about enough of their ex wives new marriage or religious choices. It doesnt make it fair or understandable but for a mother of 3 kids to lose one of them because of a marriage choice or a relationship choice, sadness is the only feeling I can muster. Its not her fault. Her ex may be a total #### but she wont get those years back with her kid

Word to the wise, put your kids first, dont gloss over their sadness about your relationship choices because when you gave birth to them, you promised to cherish and raise them. It may mean you have to leave a relationship that you like that hurts them but you can always start over after they are grown. If you choose to stay in the relationship, insist on therapy for everyone and save the relationship with your kid.Those who have grown kids, they cant even begin to understand that because they already raised their kids. But for those of us trying to raise children in this chaos, its unfair for our kids in many ways...

[kristen_maroc 126]

Dear HiT,

I have all the compassion for you. I cannot imagine going what you have gone through, and I understand your desire to prevent other women and families from going through what you have gone through.

That being said... I feel like I am one of the people you are trying to "help" (engaged, not yet married). But I have to say that your tactics are not convincing, but rather off-putting. Instead of convincing me to doubt my relationship or be cautious, you are driving me away from your posts. I don't know why, for example, on a board that is for people from a specific geographic region (MENA) who are applying for visas to go to the US, you post a video that talks about immigrants from a different geographic region (Pakistan) to a different country (USA). There is a difference between the MENA and the "Muslim world." I think most people who are marrying someone from the MENA region know about this difference and are more perplexed by this video than convinced.

When you paint an entire group of people: a group that spans cultures, religions, languages, traditions, socio-economic levels, and really is incredibly diverse-- with the same paintbrush because of your own experiences, it is offensive. I am really sorry for what you went through, and I would never wish that on anyone. But-- you cannot assume that all marriages won't last and try to convince people to leave their husbands or not marry someone because it "will" drive away children.

I am not convinced to leave my fiance. I truly believe that God has put him in my life, and that it is worth the struggles that we have had, the struggle of this visa journey, and the struggles that we will face in the future. We, as a couple, and our future family, are worth it.

I had a longer reply typed out that I lost (internet is spotty on the train from Casa to Rabat)... but I truly wish you healing and peace... and maybe I wish for you a different and more productive way and place to vent your frustrations.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Hashing these kinds of issues out with a bunch of strangers on the internet is absurd. If there are adjustment issues, family cohesion and bonding issues, get professional help. Get thee to a licensed, professional therapist that can delve into these issues a whole lot more than can be done on a visa website. Anecdotes from strangers are fine and can be helpful but they're not adequate.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Dear HiT,

I have all the compassion for you. I cannot imagine going what you have gone through, and I understand your desire to prevent other women and families from going through what you have gone through.

That being said... I feel like I am one of the people you are trying to "help" (engaged, not yet married). But I have to say that your tactics are not convincing, but rather off-putting. Instead of convincing me to doubt my relationship or be cautious, you are driving me away from your posts. I don't know why, for example, on a board that is for people from a specific geographic region (MENA) who are applying for visas to go to the US, you post a video that talks about immigrants from a different geographic region (Pakistan) to a different country (USA). There is a difference between the MENA and the "Muslim world." I think most people who are marrying someone from the MENA region know about this difference and are more perplexed by this video than convinced.

When you paint an entire group of people: a group that spans cultures, religions, languages, traditions, socio-economic levels, and really is incredibly diverse-- with the same paintbrush because of your own experiences, it is offensive. I am really sorry for what you went through, and I would never wish that on anyone. But-- you cannot assume that all marriages won't last and try to convince people to leave their husbands or not marry someone because it "will" drive away children.

I am not convinced to leave my fiance. I truly believe that God has put him in my life, and that it is worth the struggles that we have had, the struggle of this visa journey, and the struggles that we will face in the future. We, as a couple, and our future family, are worth it.

I had a longer reply typed out that I lost (internet is spotty on the train from Casa to Rabat)... but I truly wish you healing and peace... and maybe I wish for you a different and more productive way and place to vent your frustrations.

You are not on a train with a teen age child are you? Do you have kids? If you dont, then this has nothing to do with you. If you are similar in age or even a little older, than you will find plenty of people who have married and have made it work. I absolutely am not warning people away and I think you have missed my point. The point is to put kids first if you are entering into one of these marriages and if problems arise., parent parent parent. Yes there are very mixed experiences and you cannot paint all people with the same brush but there is nothing wrong with talking about green card fraud, economic abuse of the petitioner or other things that have come up to me or other women on the mena boards. The only people I still know that are married to the people that they were married to in 2007 is one older woman who I think is like 25 years older and very educated, one much older woman married to an Algerian who seems to be happy and several younger couples Moroccan I think a few egyptian and tunisian. Believe it or not, if I count over the last 4 years, the highest success rate seems to be Moroccan, the lowest Jordanian and Egyptian. Most I began posting with are divorced...or getting divorced. If I had to put a percentage on it, 7 out of 10 I started with are divorced now 4 to 5 years later.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Dear HiT,

I have all the compassion for you. I cannot imagine going what you have gone through, and I understand your desire to prevent other women and families from going through what you have gone through.

That being said... I feel like I am one of the people you are trying to "help" (engaged, not yet married). But I have to say that your tactics are not convincing, but rather off-putting. Instead of convincing me to doubt my relationship or be cautious, you are driving me away from your posts. I don't know why, for example, on a board that is for people from a specific geographic region (MENA) who are applying for visas to go to the US, you post a video that talks about immigrants from a different geographic region (Pakistan) to a different country (USA). There is a difference between the MENA and the "Muslim world." I think most people who are marrying someone from the MENA region know about this difference and are more perplexed by this video than convinced.

When you paint an entire group of people: a group that spans cultures, religions, languages, traditions, socio-economic levels, and really is incredibly diverse-- with the same paintbrush because of your own experiences, it is offensive. I am really sorry for what you went through, and I would never wish that on anyone. But-- you cannot assume that all marriages won't last and try to convince people to leave their husbands or not marry someone because it "will" drive away children.

I am not convinced to leave my fiance. I truly believe that God has put him in my life, and that it is worth the struggles that we have had, the struggle of this visa journey, and the struggles that we will face in the future. We, as a couple, and our future family, are worth it.

I had a longer reply typed out that I lost (internet is spotty on the train from Casa to Rabat)... but I truly wish you healing and peace... and maybe I wish for you a different and more productive way and place to vent your frustrations.

for someone to lose her kid over a relationship is tragic.. There is nothing to be convinced about.. Nothing is going to change but what I find perplexing is the lack of dialog when its week after week both in this forum and effects forum that women are struggling with domestic violence and struggling to get divorced from absent spouses, when even one of the founders of the mena boards husband is awol overseas...she at least talks about it as it happened recently but to not want dialog is just silly...

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Dear HiT,

I have all the compassion for you. I cannot imagine going what you have gone through, and I understand your desire to prevent other women and families from going through what you have gone through.

That being said... I feel like I am one of the people you are trying to "help" (engaged, not yet married). But I have to say that your tactics are not convincing, but rather off-putting. Instead of convincing me to doubt my relationship or be cautious, you are driving me away from your posts. I don't know why, for example, on a board that is for people from a specific geographic region (MENA) who are applying for visas to go to the US, you post a video that talks about immigrants from a different geographic region (Pakistan) to a different country (USA). There is a difference between the MENA and the "Muslim world." I think most people who are marrying someone from the MENA region know about this difference and are more perplexed by this video than convinced.

When you paint an entire group of people: a group that spans cultures, religions, languages, traditions, socio-economic levels, and really is incredibly diverse-- with the same paintbrush because of your own experiences, it is offensive. I am really sorry for what you went through, and I would never wish that on anyone. But-- you cannot assume that all marriages won't last and try to convince people to leave their husbands or not marry someone because it "will" drive away children.

I am not convinced to leave my fiance. I truly believe that God has put him in my life, and that it is worth the struggles that we have had, the struggle of this visa journey, and the struggles that we will face in the future. We, as a couple, and our future family, are worth it.

I had a longer reply typed out that I lost (internet is spotty on the train from Casa to Rabat)... but I truly wish you healing and peace... and maybe I wish for you a different and more productive way and place to vent your frustrations.

[sachinky 465]

I don't know if you mentioned it but how old is your husband?

[moroccanwife 11]

I usually don't come on and air my "dirty laundry", but I feel the need to respond to you, Morrocanwife. I was also having the same problems that you're having, except my "children" were in their late teens when my husband came in late 2007. I have 3 kids, and my first 2 moved out shortly after he came, but my middle son was in the throes of beginning alcoholism when my husband arrived. If it hadn't been for my husband, I'm sure my son would be dead now. He gently taught him how to be a man, never told him he was a failure or loser, something his real dad wasn't telling him or teaching him. Now, 3 1/2 yrs later, they're both managing their own Restaurant and my son is thriving.

I just want to encourage you to let them be together alone as was advised and slowly you will see things will work out. Your husband sounds supportive and with a little time things will get better! Give it time and show both of them you love them!

Thank you so much for your input...i'm so happy for you that it all worked out. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man.

[moroccanwife 11]

I think she's very smart to come and ask advice before the problem gets out of control.

When my SO got here, my children just loved him! He wisely kind of stood back and let them get used to him before stepping into any sort of parental role. And even then, it was basically "listen to your mother".

After several years, though, the oldest had a change of heart, and has decided that she hates my husband - she refuses to live here because he's here. I would love for her to come back, as difficult as it was to deal with 2 people who don't get along, but she won't. Her father is encouraging her behavior. She even stopped talking to me for a while.

Some people might think I'm horrible for 'letting' him stay, but it's much more complicated than that. First of all, and most importantly, my other 2 children need him. They love him very very much, and he's extremely important to them. Their father is around, but not very emotionally warm or available. They (all 3) had a difficult time adjusting to their parents' divorce and remarriages. They (2 younger ones) love both step-parents, and if they lost any of the 4 of us (parents or step-parents), it would be devastating for them. The second most important reason (since the children ARE the most important part of this situation) is that my daughter's therapist (I wish she still had the same therapist! - that's a long story) said that especially with my daughter's personality, it would be a horrible idea to give her 'power' over others' lives. I agree - it doesn't make sense to disrupt 4 other people's lives so that one teenager can get her way. Of course, if there was a real reason, it would be different - and we'd figure out a way to cope. But since the two of them just don't get along right now, it wouldn't make sense. (see loved him when he got here, she disliked him for a little while a few years ago, then decided she liked him again, and now hates him - it's been back and forth with her)

(By the way, the children's father tried to get the school to change the oldest child's schedule because she "didn't like" one of her teachers. Seriously, does he plan to follow her around all of her life and 'fix' things, instead of trying to teach her how to get along with people?)

Then there are all the other reasons - like the fact that we love each other (of course), we jointly own the house and everything, he has nowhere else to go (neither do I, really - especially with children! - and no family members very close by), we are barely getting by with both incomes, etc. Seriously, he's a wonderful person - loving, kind, helpful... and he's been a good influence on all of us - giving me encouragement, for example. It was quite an adjustment for all of us, of course, and I think that he did well. But it really IS difficult for children of certain ages (pre-teen and teen especially) to adjust to having a new step-parent, and also difficult for someone to step into an already existing family - especially when they're changing countries, and have never been married before.

It sounds to me like the OP's husband and son aren't bad people - they're just going through a difficult adjustment period. I didn't hear anything that would warrant "getting rid of" the husband. It sounds to me like the husband isn't rejecting the son, he just doesn't want to "step on any toes". I think that's admirable, even if I don't agree - I think that having another adult in his life can be a wonderful thing. She can explain to her husband that he can be an addition to her son's life, and not worry that anyone will think he's trying to be a replacement for the father. I can see his point - I wouldn't like if my children's step-mother tried to take my place (for the record, I'm happy they have a female in their life who they love for those days I don't get to see them).

I don't recommend trying to get them to bond, though - you're right about that - that's something that needs to develop on its own. If your son feels like you're "making him" like his step-father, he's likely going to resist. Enjoy the fact that they're civil to each other, and (if I remember correctly) that your husband doesn't complain about your son in front of him. I do know how difficult it is to hear someone you love complain about someone else that you love. I don't have a solution for you, though. Except maybe to keep in mind that if your husband came from a less privileged background, it's difficult to deal with how spoiled your son must seem to him. I let my husband vent (when the kids weren't around, of course) about how much food they wasted, how much stuff they have (and didn't seem to care about) - because I know he didn't have much to eat or play with. It's funny - I think I expected my husband to be more appreciative of things that he was. It's not that he doesn't appreciate anything, it's just that I didn't expect him to be so... picky about things! For example, he won't eat leftover meat - he says it smells bad (even if it's the next day). And it took him FOREVER to find him shoes that he liked.

I don't know how long you've been divorced, or how long you've been remarried. Or the personalities of your son or husband. But I do understand (for what it's worth) that you're in a difficult, exhausting place. My best advice next time either of them starts is to say something like "I understand. You're entitled to your feelings, but I just can't listen right now. I'm sorry you feel that way about him, and I hope you two can continue to be polite to each other, and hope you get along some day soon." Is there someone else they can vent to? I hope it improves, and soon.

I DO think that figuring out a way for them to get along better is very important. I hate that my first born has pulled away from the family, and wish I knew how to change that. I know that most children 'leave' once they're 18 or so - and kind of start pulling away earlier than that so they can spend more time with their friends. I just didn't expect my daughter to stop living with me as a young teenager.

Best of luck to the OP, and anyone else having similar problems.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your advise. I wish you well with your daughter <3

[moroccanwife 11]

Do the best you can to hold on to your daughter... she is forever...most relationships are not

Its a waving red flag.. and 11 year old boys need alot of love and support to make it cleanly through the teen years

I couldn't agree more about 11 year olds needing love and I can assure you...there is no one on this earth that loves him more than I do and I tell him every morning when I send him off to school and every night when I put him to bed (yes i still tuck him in)...and there is plenty of hugs and kisses throughtout the day.

[moroccanwife 11]

Imagine being a teen and your mom took off to Morocco or wherever... you never met this guy and now shes engaged to a man you have never met and younger than her with a different religion and all of the sudden your mom is acting different. Its not shocking that kids move out. It seems ok to the person in love. But look at it from other angles. Its just weird to some kids and extended families.If they were open to begin with they will keep being open. I have a child who is half arabic and I honestly know that even her birth made ripples in my family, especially among older people.

To a conservative American family, its no shock if some ex husbands have just about enough of their ex wives new marriage or religious choices. It doesnt make it fair or understandable but for a mother of 3 kids to lose one of them because of a marriage choice or a relationship choice, sadness is the only feeling I can muster. Its not her fault. Her ex may be a total #### but she wont get those years back with her kid

Word to the wise, put your kids first, dont gloss over their sadness about your relationship choices because when you gave birth to them, you promised to cherish and raise them. It may mean you have to leave a relationship that you like that hurts them but you can always start over after they are grown. If you choose to stay in the relationship, insist on therapy for everyone and save the relationship with your kid.Those who have grown kids, they cant even begin to understand that because they already raised their kids. But for those of us trying to raise children in this chaos, its unfair for our kids in many ways...

I'm confused...since when is it ok for your child to dictate who you marry? her husband sounds like a very nice man. I dont recall her saying she wasn't there for her children. And as a matter of fact...I recall her saying that her daughter decided to like him again at one point...which tells me her husband welcomed her back into his life...only for her daughter to dislike him again. Her husband sounds very patient. Look, there are bad people in all religions, cultures and ages. I don't think you are being fair.

[moroccanwife 11]

Hashing these kinds of issues out with a bunch of strangers on the internet is absurd. If there are adjustment issues, family cohesion and bonding issues, get professional help. Get thee to a licensed, professional therapist that can delve into these issues a whole lot more than can be done on a visa website. Anecdotes from strangers are fine and can be helpful but they're not adequate.

Well fortunately for me I wasn't looking for a solution, I was looking for other's input. I think that's exactly what I'm getting from here. And if you think its "absurd" why are you reading it? Move on.

I don't know if you mentioned it but how old is your husband?

My husband is 7 years younger than me. Not a huge difference.

[msheesha 548]

I know you are an ardent defender of these relationships and in my opinion, a blind one. We have one girl posting whos child has left her and another one posting who s step father is distant. No of course all of these relationships are not bad ones but where is the position of dissent here? I can like someone all day long, think their culture is fabulous and think their presence and attitude are toxic to a child. Bringing someone you barely know, younger than you and from a foreign culture is weird to alot of Americans...and teens want to fit in and its no shock she moved out. Her father is pointing out the obvious.. Its hard enough to be a teen without your late 30s mom to early 40s mom marrying someone younger than her instead of picking out prom dresses and mothering and and parenting.

That assessment is just bizarre and has no basis in truth or fact. What I'm NOT an ardent supporter of is you making assumptions all the time about other people, and vomiting out those assumptions all over here as if they were the truth. That heartache video you posted is disgusted - grown women talking about which Moroccan "boy" they chose to marry. Do you spend all your time looking for that kind of #######? It's disturbing. Since you've opened the door to make assumptions about others' parenting, I'd assume your children would be better served if you used your energy and attention on them, rather than viewing disturbing youtube videos and telling women on here how to parent.

To the OP - step family issues are difficult. A friend who is a step mother of a teenager read a quote that described step parenting as the most frustrating and least rewarding family role. So, regardless of the ages of people involved and the nationalities involved, it's a universal experience that step families will have difficulty. If there is an age difference with your husband being much younger, that could complicate the issues. I have no idea if there is an age difference or if that's something HIT just assumed and/or made up. Anyway, if you're going to follow sandinista's advice and get counseling, here is an online resource about step families.

http://www.stepfamily.org/counselors_coaches.html