My husband and my child

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Rightfully so or not, you are one bitter bitter woman. Nothing else to say...

I dont feel that way all of the time.. thats for sure. I couldnt go on to be happy which in many ways I have .. I also have a daughter who is half north african so not only is it the right thing to do to exercise tolerance..its hard as hell when you watch things go on around you. I will tell you a secret though. I get less angry at the men because I know from being over there and around them over here that alot of times its just how they were raised ( spoiled, catered to) and less about much else than I do some of the women that I have seen literally neglect their kids while married to these guys. I mean this particular woman is talking about it and recognises that she needs to take care of her kids. But what about these women who just fly over to god knows where and get engaged in a week and drag an unsuspecting guy over here to a haggle of kids who need parenting and these guys are often ill prepared to do so. As aggravated as I get at the guys doing this that and everything else, we brought them here and I think moms have a special responsibilty to choose a step father for their kids not just a lover or a husband for themselves. Like it or not, Ouahib, Mohame or whomever becomes a permanent part of the story of that womans life, her kids life and her families life and can alter the destiny of that child forever. Kids need parents and if someone marries someone with a kid, they need to take a vow to help step parent that child. If the man doesnt want to, any you have to remember that in alot of parts of mena, when a woman is divorced she sends her kids to her moms or away because dragging a kid along means almost zero chance of remarrying , hence all the kids of single moms in moroccan orphanages. We cant put our value systems on them because the men grew up very differently than us in every single way

Sorry if I seem bitter. I just come off that way sometimes in writing but in reality I am peachy and loving and funny. This subject and some of the subjects on here get my panties in a wad...

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I dont feel that way all of the time.. thats for sure. I couldnt go on to be happy which in many ways I have .. I also have a daughter who is half north african so not only is it the right thing to do to exercise tolerance..its hard as hell when you watch things go on around you. I will tell you a secret though. I get less angry at the men because I know from being over there and around them over here that alot of times its just how they were raised ( spoiled, catered to) and less about much else than I do some of the women that I have seen literally neglect their kids while married to these guys. I mean this particular woman is talking about it and recognises that she needs to take care of her kids. But what about these women who just fly over to god knows where and get engaged in a week and drag an unsuspecting guy over here to a haggle of kids who need parenting and these guys are often ill prepared to do so. As aggravated as I get at the guys doing this that and everything else, we brought them here and I think moms have a special responsibilty to choose a step father for their kids not just a lover or a husband for themselves. Like it or not, Ouahib, Mohame or whomever becomes a permanent part of the story of that womans life, her kids life and her families life and can alter the destiny of that child forever. Kids need parents and if someone marries someone with a kid, they need to take a vow to help step parent that child. If the man doesnt want to, any you have to remember that in alot of parts of mena, when a woman is divorced she sends her kids to her moms or away because dragging a kid along means almost zero chance of remarrying , hence all the kids of single moms in moroccan orphanages. We cant put our value systems on them because the men grew up very differently than us in every single way

Sorry if I seem bitter. I just come off that way sometimes in writing but in reality I am peachy and loving and funny. This subject and some of the subjects on here get my panties in a wad...

You do not get a second chance with your kids. You get one shot to keep them out of drugs and problems. You need to take every bit of energy you have and parent

By the way, years ago , I never saw any of this as an issue. When I was in my 20s, I never met any Moroccans except in Orlando and at Epcot. I mean I remember when aol was by the minute even as late as 1994 and people had 200 dollar internet bills. Society has sped up and changed and life has changed. I knew people from Algeria in 2001 in the US but most came illegally through Boston or New York. There was very little internet marriage and people stayed haraga for 10 years and they appreciated being here. Thats alot different than someone meeting woman after woman in a cyber cafe fishing the wide and vast pool of western women for someone to woo and a way out.. I dont ever remember feeling bitter or scared for American women back in lets say 2002 because there were just not that many of them marrying overseas.. I mean up until 2006 you could still do direct consulate filing because there wasnt a flood gate of couples. This is a new and changing thing and we will see the effects on the kids 10 years down the line. My town has a whole bunch of it due to the constant arrivals to Epcot of people from Morocco and their need to convert status...and a whole heard of haragas or illegals that werent able to find appropriate victims... It seems like bitterness but I am often just not able to express myself properly but I have seen alot and most is the fault of the American who married them because even if they dont have their heads on straight, we are supposed to and we are supposed to use good judgement and in the name of love, some women lose their common sense and their heads

[Mithra 1,185]

Sometimes the warnings and "being real" are a good thing and sometimes, they're not appropriate. If the OP's husband sounded like a total jackass who wasn't going to be around or seemed abusive then maybe getting "real" may be appropriate. He doesn't sound that way, to me. People can be selfish, esp people who have never been parents and are suddenly put in a position to help parent or be the spouse of a parent. The OP doesn't sound like a woman who abandoned her child to be with a man or who is turning her back on her child for her husband. If she were, she wouldn't be here asking advice on how to make things better for her son and husband. She wouldn't ask at all nor would she care if they got along. Bringing up those types of women isn't necessary in this particular thread.

Not all men are a-holes. Lumping all MENA men into the a-hole pile isn't helpful.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Sometimes the warnings and "being real" are a good thing and sometimes, they're not appropriate. If the OP's husband sounded like a total jackass who wasn't going to be around or seemed abusive then maybe getting "real" may be appropriate. He doesn't sound that way, to me. People can be selfish, esp people who have never been parents and are suddenly put in a position to help parent or be the spouse of a parent. The OP doesn't sound like a woman who abandoned her child to be with a man or who is turning her back on her child for her husband. If she were, she wouldn't be here asking advice on how to make things better for her son and husband. She wouldn't ask at all nor would she care if they got along. Bringing up those types of women isn't necessary in this particular thread.

Not all men are a-holes. Lumping all MENA men into the a-hole pile isn't helpful.

I dont think I was doing that. I do think that his willingness to step parent should have been a factor in deciding to marry him because you cant blame someone you did not put appropriate boundaries on or conditions from the very beginning.. Being suddenly put in the position to parent happened the day he married her...

And no one is warning anyone.. people will do and as you have seen have done exactly what they want or wanted to without hearing much of what people are saying.. I will say this.. I do have a full inbox from women who 2 years ago told me one thing and as they are divorcing they are saying much differently.

This woman is not putting her kid last or she wouldnt even be talking about it. Many marriages work but if you think about it, you wouldnt marry an American who wasnt fully commited to your kid. Why accept it from a foreigner? Thats not culture.. Thats letting the man know what you expect from the get go and putting the kid first

[moroccanwife 11]

I dont think I was doing that. I do think that his willingness to step parent should have been a factor in deciding to marry him because you cant blame someone you did not put appropriate boundaries on or conditions from the very beginning.. Being suddenly put in the position to parent happened the day he married her...

And no one is warning anyone.. people will do and as you have seen have done exactly what they want or wanted to without hearing much of what people are saying.. I will say this.. I do have a full inbox from women who 2 years ago told me one thing and as they are divorcing they are saying much differently.

This woman is not putting her kid last or she wouldnt even be talking about it. Many marriages work but if you think about it, you wouldnt marry an American who wasnt fully commited to your kid. Why accept it from a foreigner? Thats not culture.. Thats letting the man know what you expect from the get go and putting the kid first

I think you both have great points. I actually am very lucky to have the man I have and even more lucky to have the child I have. I was simply just looking for advise/suggestions on how to make this easier for my family. As much as my son and husband would not like to admit it...I know they care for each other. And I absolutely agree with the point of bringing these men here without any parenting skills and turning them into step parents overnight. It's easy to say over the internet that you will commit to being a step parent. Much different when they get here and actually have to start parenting literally overnight. I am very patient with my husband about this and with my son for accepting someone new into his life. I find that when they are away from each other but alone with me...they compliment each other a lot. I think they just find it hard to give those compliments to each other. (they are both very stubborn as well) I appreciate everyone's feedback and suggestions. And just for the record...my husband and I did discuss parenting before he came. He knew he was marrying me but also my child. He is not expected in any way to replace my son's father...I would not allow that to happen. My biggest fear with all the friction is that my son and my husband are going to miss out on something very special between the two of them if they can not find their way. Patience and encouragement is my answer I guess. That and I love the suggestion of them having alone time. Thanks to all

[sussemadel 16]

I usually don't come on and air my "dirty laundry", but I feel the need to respond to you, Morrocanwife. I was also having the same problems that you're having, except my "children" were in their late teens when my husband came in late 2007. I have 3 kids, and my first 2 moved out shortly after he came, but my middle son was in the throes of beginning alcoholism when my husband arrived. If it hadn't been for my husband, I'm sure my son would be dead now. He gently taught him how to be a man, never told him he was a failure or loser, something his real dad wasn't telling him or teaching him. Now, 3 1/2 yrs later, they're both managing their own Restaurant and my son is thriving.

I just want to encourage you to let them be together alone as was advised and slowly you will see things will work out. Your husband sounds supportive and with a little time things will get better! Give it time and show both of them you love them!

[msheesha 548]

And please forgive me if my answer is harsh but I have seen what happens to these kids post marriage. One had 2 teenage girls and one of the Moroccans guys brothers molested both of them in their teens.. You have to be a mother first and realise every single day, class, homework assignment, field trip matters. If you dont have kids or they are grown then who care but these little ones need men that are not children and you have kid to raise, you dont need an adult child

And secondly, you have to think long term..whats going to happen to him if you neglect him to chase this man around....You need to put your son FIRST at all times.. an arab woman does thats for damn sure...

[msheesha 548]

Right right right - you are so right HIT. Every American woman leaves her kid in the dust when she finds a Moroccan man!! And all Moroccan men will molest your teenage daughter!!! No Americans married to Americans put their children second or third to new husband etc and NO American men molest children. Its those awful mena men you need to look out for.

The woman is going through a difficult step family situation

that is typical regardless of nationalities and graciously asked for help. Your spewing of bitterness and hatred and horror stories gets really old. We get it - you had an awful experience and you choose to be around low lifes who treat people horribly. We really get it.

[Meriem_DZ 37]

Right right right - you are so right HIT. Every American woman leaves her kid in the dust when she finds a Moroccan man!! And all Moroccan men will molest your teenage daughter!!! No Americans married to Americans put their children second or third to new husband etc and NO American men molest children. Its those awful mena men you need to look out for.

The woman is going through a difficult step family situation

that is typical regardless of nationalities and graciously asked for help. Your spewing of bitterness and hatred and horror stories gets really old. We get it - you had an awful experience and you choose to be around low lifes who treat people horribly. We really get it.

[myfakeID 2]

I think she's very smart to come and ask advice before the problem gets out of control.

When my SO got here, my children just loved him! He wisely kind of stood back and let them get used to him before stepping into any sort of parental role. And even then, it was basically "listen to your mother".

After several years, though, the oldest had a change of heart, and has decided that she hates my husband - she refuses to live here because he's here. I would love for her to come back, as difficult as it was to deal with 2 people who don't get along, but she won't. Her father is encouraging her behavior. She even stopped talking to me for a while.

Some people might think I'm horrible for 'letting' him stay, but it's much more complicated than that. First of all, and most importantly, my other 2 children need him. They love him very very much, and he's extremely important to them. Their father is around, but not very emotionally warm or available. They (all 3) had a difficult time adjusting to their parents' divorce and remarriages. They (2 younger ones) love both step-parents, and if they lost any of the 4 of us (parents or step-parents), it would be devastating for them. The second most important reason (since the children ARE the most important part of this situation) is that my daughter's therapist (I wish she still had the same therapist! - that's a long story) said that especially with my daughter's personality, it would be a horrible idea to give her 'power' over others' lives. I agree - it doesn't make sense to disrupt 4 other people's lives so that one teenager can get her way. Of course, if there was a real reason, it would be different - and we'd figure out a way to cope. But since the two of them just don't get along right now, it wouldn't make sense. (see loved him when he got here, she disliked him for a little while a few years ago, then decided she liked him again, and now hates him - it's been back and forth with her)

(By the way, the children's father tried to get the school to change the oldest child's schedule because she "didn't like" one of her teachers. Seriously, does he plan to follow her around all of her life and 'fix' things, instead of trying to teach her how to get along with people?)

Then there are all the other reasons - like the fact that we love each other (of course), we jointly own the house and everything, he has nowhere else to go (neither do I, really - especially with children! - and no family members very close by), we are barely getting by with both incomes, etc. Seriously, he's a wonderful person - loving, kind, helpful... and he's been a good influence on all of us - giving me encouragement, for example. It was quite an adjustment for all of us, of course, and I think that he did well. But it really IS difficult for children of certain ages (pre-teen and teen especially) to adjust to having a new step-parent, and also difficult for someone to step into an already existing family - especially when they're changing countries, and have never been married before.

It sounds to me like the OP's husband and son aren't bad people - they're just going through a difficult adjustment period. I didn't hear anything that would warrant "getting rid of" the husband. It sounds to me like the husband isn't rejecting the son, he just doesn't want to "step on any toes". I think that's admirable, even if I don't agree - I think that having another adult in his life can be a wonderful thing. She can explain to her husband that he can be an addition to her son's life, and not worry that anyone will think he's trying to be a replacement for the father. I can see his point - I wouldn't like if my children's step-mother tried to take my place (for the record, I'm happy they have a female in their life who they love for those days I don't get to see them).

I don't recommend trying to get them to bond, though - you're right about that - that's something that needs to develop on its own. If your son feels like you're "making him" like his step-father, he's likely going to resist. Enjoy the fact that they're civil to each other, and (if I remember correctly) that your husband doesn't complain about your son in front of him. I do know how difficult it is to hear someone you love complain about someone else that you love. I don't have a solution for you, though. Except maybe to keep in mind that if your husband came from a less privileged background, it's difficult to deal with how spoiled your son must seem to him. I let my husband vent (when the kids weren't around, of course) about how much food they wasted, how much stuff they have (and didn't seem to care about) - because I know he didn't have much to eat or play with. It's funny - I think I expected my husband to be more appreciative of things that he was. It's not that he doesn't appreciate anything, it's just that I didn't expect him to be so... picky about things! For example, he won't eat leftover meat - he says it smells bad (even if it's the next day). And it took him FOREVER to find him shoes that he liked.

I don't know how long you've been divorced, or how long you've been remarried. Or the personalities of your son or husband. But I do understand (for what it's worth) that you're in a difficult, exhausting place. My best advice next time either of them starts is to say something like "I understand. You're entitled to your feelings, but I just can't listen right now. I'm sorry you feel that way about him, and I hope you two can continue to be polite to each other, and hope you get along some day soon." Is there someone else they can vent to? I hope it improves, and soon.

I DO think that figuring out a way for them to get along better is very important. I hate that my first born has pulled away from the family, and wish I knew how to change that. I know that most children 'leave' once they're 18 or so - and kind of start pulling away earlier than that so they can spend more time with their friends. I just didn't expect my daughter to stop living with me as a young teenager.

Best of luck to the OP, and anyone else having similar problems.

[Golden Gate 530]

How long has your husband been in the states?

My sons were 9 and 10 when my husband arrived in the US. At first it was a bit rough on their part. They have a dad who they are very involved with so my husband was in no way going to be his replacement. My husband didn't have a problem with my boys but I know sometimes his feelings were hurt by their actions. They're good kids. They're pretty respectful and well behaved other than with each other as brothers often are. Even though their father is also from the Middle East, they would sometimes mock my husband's accent which I had to talk to them about. They weren't disrespectful (other than the mocking) to my husband but they were standoffish for the first year or so. My husband was always really good with the kids even from the start. He wanted them to accept him as a friend, at least. He's been here for 4 years now and they get along great. He plays video games with them and does other things to "bond" in his own way. He's really great with them. When we go somewhere as a family, he'll introduce them as "his kids". Now that he's been around them for 4 years, I think he does feel like they're "his" in a way. They would never call him dad or anything because they have a dad but they love him in their own way. Whenever they leave to go to their dad's house they'll hug him (even now at 13 and almost 15 yrs of age) and tell him they love him. Same as they do for me. I get kinda teary eyed thinking about it. They stick up for him if they think I'm being a little too harsh (pregnancy hormones). And he'll stick up for them if he thinks I'm being a little too hard on them. He'll tell me, "those boys are angels compared to how I was at their age." I know not everyone has a good experience in the step department. I know how lucky I am that I have had a good experience.

I hope things improve over time with you, as well.

ETA - I'm sorry I don't really have any advice as I don't know your son or your husband, personally. Advice in this instance would have to be more personalized, I think. My only advice would be to have patience and maybe have a family discussion about the tension. Maybe try to get out as a family and bond that way. Your husband may not know how to bond with your son. He's never been a dad before. It takes time.

So Sweet!

[Miss smarty pants 84]

I'm just curious if anyone out there is having difficulty with a child from a previous marriage and their husband bonding. My son is 11. For the most part his real father plays a role in his life, but not a big role. My husband is from Morocco and he has this idea in his head that because my son's real father is involved...he does not want to be involved. The road my son and husband have traveled has been pretty rocky. My husband says my son appreciates nothing (he is a bit spoiled) and in my opinion, my husband doesn't appreciate much either. My son is a good boy. He respects people, does not bully or call names, but he has a tendency to want me all to himself. He was very jealous when my husband arrived here. My husband seems to have no tolerance for my son at all. They are polite to each other, but they are not bonding and its putting me in the middle. I know I can't force that bond but it's hard when your husband is always complaining about your child. I've already advised my son that I deserve to be happy too and advised my husband..my son is not going anywhere. I have communicated I'm tired of being in the middle. It's exhausting. Any advise would be helpful.

LOL. I was wondering for a second if I made up some story in mysleep! I am not you. Haha

On a more serious note.......children are forever. Husbands come and go. Take it as a huge red flag

Edited May 7, 2011 by Moroccan-Wife

[NclThms4 0]

Im sorry maybe someone said this but maybe you could speak to your husband about how this issue is dealt with in his culture.

It might help you get some incite of where he is coming from and then you can explain how it seen in american culture.

Maybe the two of you could come to a middle ground. Unless you have already done this. If so then disregard what Im talking about.

Good luck

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I think she's very smart to come and ask advice before the problem gets out of control.

When my SO got here, my children just loved him! He wisely kind of stood back and let them get used to him before stepping into any sort of parental role. And even then, it was basically "listen to your mother".

After several years, though, the oldest had a change of heart, and has decided that she hates my husband - she refuses to live here because he's here. I would love for her to come back, as difficult as it was to deal with 2 people who don't get along, but she won't. Her father is encouraging her behavior. She even stopped talking to me for a while.

Some people might think I'm horrible for 'letting' him stay, but it's much more complicated than that. First of all, and most importantly, my other 2 children need him. They love him very very much, and he's extremely important to them. Their father is around, but not very emotionally warm or available. They (all 3) had a difficult time adjusting to their parents' divorce and remarriages. They (2 younger ones) love both step-parents, and if they lost any of the 4 of us (parents or step-parents), it would be devastating for them. The second most important reason (since the children ARE the most important part of this situation) is that my daughter's therapist (I wish she still had the same therapist! - that's a long story) said that especially with my daughter's personality, it would be a horrible idea to give her 'power' over others' lives. I agree - it doesn't make sense to disrupt 4 other people's lives so that one teenager can get her way. Of course, if there was a real reason, it would be different - and we'd figure out a way to cope. But since the two of them just don't get along right now, it wouldn't make sense. (see loved him when he got here, she disliked him for a little while a few years ago, then decided she liked him again, and now hates him - it's been back and forth with her)

(By the way, the children's father tried to get the school to change the oldest child's schedule because she "didn't like" one of her teachers. Seriously, does he plan to follow her around all of her life and 'fix' things, instead of trying to teach her how to get along with people?)

Then there are all the other reasons - like the fact that we love each other (of course), we jointly own the house and everything, he has nowhere else to go (neither do I, really - especially with children! - and no family members very close by), we are barely getting by with both incomes, etc. Seriously, he's a wonderful person - loving, kind, helpful... and he's been a good influence on all of us - giving me encouragement, for example. It was quite an adjustment for all of us, of course, and I think that he did well. But it really IS difficult for children of certain ages (pre-teen and teen especially) to adjust to having a new step-parent, and also difficult for someone to step into an already existing family - especially when they're changing countries, and have never been married before.

It sounds to me like the OP's husband and son aren't bad people - they're just going through a difficult adjustment period. I didn't hear anything that would warrant "getting rid of" the husband. It sounds to me like the husband isn't rejecting the son, he just doesn't want to "step on any toes". I think that's admirable, even if I don't agree - I think that having another adult in his life can be a wonderful thing. She can explain to her husband that he can be an addition to her son's life, and not worry that anyone will think he's trying to be a replacement for the father. I can see his point - I wouldn't like if my children's step-mother tried to take my place (for the record, I'm happy they have a female in their life who they love for those days I don't get to see them).

I don't recommend trying to get them to bond, though - you're right about that - that's something that needs to develop on its own. If your son feels like you're "making him" like his step-father, he's likely going to resist. Enjoy the fact that they're civil to each other, and (if I remember correctly) that your husband doesn't complain about your son in front of him. I do know how difficult it is to hear someone you love complain about someone else that you love. I don't have a solution for you, though. Except maybe to keep in mind that if your husband came from a less privileged background, it's difficult to deal with how spoiled your son must seem to him. I let my husband vent (when the kids weren't around, of course) about how much food they wasted, how much stuff they have (and didn't seem to care about) - because I know he didn't have much to eat or play with. It's funny - I think I expected my husband to be more appreciative of things that he was. It's not that he doesn't appreciate anything, it's just that I didn't expect him to be so... picky about things! For example, he won't eat leftover meat - he says it smells bad (even if it's the next day). And it took him FOREVER to find him shoes that he liked.

I don't know how long you've been divorced, or how long you've been remarried. Or the personalities of your son or husband. But I do understand (for what it's worth) that you're in a difficult, exhausting place. My best advice next time either of them starts is to say something like "I understand. You're entitled to your feelings, but I just can't listen right now. I'm sorry you feel that way about him, and I hope you two can continue to be polite to each other, and hope you get along some day soon." Is there someone else they can vent to? I hope it improves, and soon.

I DO think that figuring out a way for them to get along better is very important. I hate that my first born has pulled away from the family, and wish I knew how to change that. I know that most children 'leave' once they're 18 or so - and kind of start pulling away earlier than that so they can spend more time with their friends. I just didn't expect my daughter to stop living with me as a young teenager.

Best of luck to the OP, and anyone else having similar problems.

Do the best you can to hold on to your daughter... she is forever...most relationships are not

LOL. I was wondering for a second if I made up some story in mysleep! I am not you. Haha

On a more serious note.......children are forever. Husbands come and go. Take it as a huge red flag

Its a waving red flag.. and 11 year old boys need alot of love and support to make it cleanly through the teen years

[zahrasalem 114]

Right right right - you are so right HIT. Every American woman leaves her kid in the dust when she finds a Moroccan man!! And all Moroccan men will molest your teenage daughter!!! No Americans married to Americans put their children second or third to new husband etc and NO American men molest children. Its those awful mena men you need to look out for.

The woman is going through a difficult step family situation

that is typical regardless of nationalities and graciously asked for help. Your spewing of bitterness and hatred and horror stories gets really old. We get it - you had an awful experience and you choose to be around low lifes who treat people horribly. We really get it.

:thumbs: