My husband and my child

[moroccanwife 11]

I'm just curious if anyone out there is having difficulty with a child from a previous marriage and their husband bonding. My son is 11. For the most part his real father plays a role in his life, but not a big role. My husband is from Morocco and he has this idea in his head that because my son's real father is involved...he does not want to be involved. The road my son and husband have traveled has been pretty rocky. My husband says my son appreciates nothing (he is a bit spoiled) and in my opinion, my husband doesn't appreciate much either. My son is a good boy. He respects people, does not bully or call names, but he has a tendency to want me all to himself. He was very jealous when my husband arrived here. My husband seems to have no tolerance for my son at all. They are polite to each other, but they are not bonding and its putting me in the middle. I know I can't force that bond but it's hard when your husband is always complaining about your child. I've already advised my son that I deserve to be happy too and advised my husband..my son is not going anywhere. I have communicated I'm tired of being in the middle. It's exhausting. Any advise would be helpful.

[Casprd 167]

Your son is at that tough age where the changes are going to be difficult. Unfortunately it sounds like your new husband isn't helping. He can't complain about your son on one hand but then not want to be involved in your son's life since his birth father is (even marginally). Sounds like you need to put your foot down, more so with your husband than with your son, but with both of them. Don't worry about being the peacemaker between them, time to be the dictator in the house

Another thought would be talking to your ex-husband and having him try to explain things to your son. This would depend on the relationship you have with your ex of course. Also need to have a long talk with your son about everything else going on with him. There may be some other issues outside of the family relations that he's having problems with and a new step father is just exacerbating the situation. Problems in class or with other kids at school or who knows what.

[moroccanwife 11]

I'm just curious if anyone out there is having difficulty with a child from a previous marriage and their husband bonding. My son is 11. For the most part his real father plays a role in his life, but not a big role. My husband is from Morocco and he has this idea in his head that because my son's real father is involved...he does not want to be involved. The road my son and husband have traveled has been pretty rocky. My husband says my son appreciates nothing (he is a bit spoiled) and in my opinion, my husband doesn't appreciate much either. My son is a good boy. He respects people, does not bully or call names, but he has a tendency to want me all to himself. He was very jealous when my husband arrived here. My husband seems to have no tolerance for my son at all. They are polite to each other, but they are not bonding and its putting me in the middle. I know I can't force that bond but it's hard when your husband is always complaining about your child. I've already advised my son that I deserve to be happy too and advised my husband..my son is not going anywhere. I have communicated I'm tired of being in the middle. It's exhausting. Any advise would be helpful.

Thank you so much. I appreciate your response and advise. My son and I are very close and talk a lot. He does have other issues sometimes with kids at school. My ex husband and I for the most part get along. He experiences the same thing with our son and his new wife. My son is at that age where I hear a lot of "i wish you and dad were still together". I have taken the time to explain that won't happen and why. As far as my new husband...I have expressed on more than on occasion that when an 11 year old reacts to something and my husband reacts in the same manner...(as an 11 year old would) ...he's also not helping matters.

[sara..... 371]

maybe its as simple and as COMPLICATED as the husband is the new man in the house and has not found out where he fits as of yet and the son not wanting change or to share you.....jealousy from both sides, husband because of the closeness you have with ur son and ur son fear of not having that closeness any longer.....

i will add you to my prayers your in a tough spot....

sara

[moroccanwife 11]

Thank you so much. I appreciate your response and advise. My son and I are very close and talk a lot. He does have other issues sometimes with kids at school. My ex husband and I for the most part get along. He experiences the same thing with our son and his new wife. My son is at that age where I hear a lot of "i wish you and dad were still together". I have taken the time to explain that won't happen and why. As far as my new husband...I have expressed on more than on occasion that when an 11 year old reacts to something and my husband reacts in the same manner...(as an 11 year old would) ...he's also not helping matters.

Thank you Sara and I think you may be right.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thank you so much. I appreciate your response and advise. My son and I are very close and talk a lot. He does have other issues sometimes with kids at school. My ex husband and I for the most part get along. He experiences the same thing with our son and his new wife. My son is at that age where I hear a lot of "i wish you and dad were still together". I have taken the time to explain that won't happen and why. As far as my new husband...I have expressed on more than on occasion that when an 11 year old reacts to something and my husband reacts in the same manner...(as an 11 year old would) ...he's also not helping matters.

I want to tell you something that may upset you, but you are going to have to choose your son. When my husband arrived her 4 years ago, my son was 11. He was a good boy. After several years of the experience of living with someone who didnt want to be a parent, my son began to rebel and its taken more than one year offsolid counseling and intensive intervention to keep him out of the peer group he fell into 3 years later. While you chase your immature jerk off of a husband around , you could lose your child. Stop everything you are doing and parent. The moroccan guy may not even be around in 3 or 4 years and part of marrying a girl with a kid.. yes jerk off, is to accept and help co parent... Not milk the american woman dry, cause her to neglect that one precious thing she has, her kid and then take off with what they wanted. If he doesnt act nice to your son, you need to leave the husband and stick with your kid.

Harsh? Yes. Honest. Yes. You wouldnt accept being with an American who didnt warm up to your child. Why would you accept it from some schmuck from overseas

And no there are no excuses. You are a mom first and the Moroccan guy needs to have a come to jesus talk with someone about the importance of parenting and taking you as a package. Why did you marry someone to begin with that wasnt interesting in parenting? Didnt you discuss this with him ahead of time? Your son needs you for gods sakes. 11 years old is pre teen and very critical . You are laying the ground for his development as a man

GOD I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THESE KIDS INCLUDING MY OWN WHILE WE CHASE OR CHASED WHAT WE WANTED>>>>SOMEHOW THEY GET LEFT IN THE WAYSIDE

Most of the saddest stories revolve around what happens to these american kids both during and after their moms chasing love overseas

I know one girl whos 15 year old son killed himself at the demise of his moms marriage with a tunisian after the tunisian blamed the breakup of the marriage on her teen.. He quickly married a stripped shortly after his divorce and do you think he gave 2 shits about the American woman and her kids life he destroyed?

Be careful girl and much more of this you are going to have to choose. These kids dont deserve shitty parenting and you wouldnt choose an American who acted like this so why put up with it from this guy?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thank you so much. I appreciate your response and advise. My son and I are very close and talk a lot. He does have other issues sometimes with kids at school. My ex husband and I for the most part get along. He experiences the same thing with our son and his new wife. My son is at that age where I hear a lot of "i wish you and dad were still together". I have taken the time to explain that won't happen and why. As far as my new husband...I have expressed on more than on occasion that when an 11 year old reacts to something and my husband reacts in the same manner...(as an 11 year old would) ...he's also not helping matters.

And please forgive me if my answer is harsh but I have seen what happens to these kids post marriage. One had 2 teenage girls and one of the Moroccans guys brothers molested both of them in their teens.. You have to be a mother first and realise every single day, class, homework assignment, field trip matters. If you dont have kids or they are grown then who care but these little ones need men that are not children and you have kid to raise, you dont need an adult child

And secondly, you have to think long term..whats going to happen to him if you neglect him to chase this man around....You need to put your son FIRST at all times.. an arab woman does thats for damn sure...

[momof1 205]

I want to tell you something that may upset you, but you are going to have to choose your son. When my husband arrived her 4 years ago, my son was 11. He was a good boy. After several years of the experience of living with someone who didnt want to be a parent, my son began to rebel and its taken more than one year offsolid counseling and intensive intervention to keep him out of the peer group he fell into 3 years later. While you chase your immature jerk off of a husband around , you could lose your child. Stop everything you are doing and parent. The moroccan guy may not even be around in 3 or 4 years and part of marrying a girl with a kid.. yes jerk off, is to accept and help co parent... Not milk the american woman dry, cause her to neglect that one precious thing she has, her kid and then take off with what they wanted. If he doesnt act nice to your son, you need to leave the husband and stick with your kid.

Harsh? Yes. Honest. Yes. You wouldnt accept being with an American who didnt warm up to your child. Why would you accept it from some schmuck from overseas

And no there are no excuses. You are a mom first and the Moroccan guy needs to have a come to jesus talk with someone about the importance of parenting and taking you as a package. Why did you marry someone to begin with that wasnt interesting in parenting? Didnt you discuss this with him ahead of time? Your son needs you for gods sakes. 11 years old is pre teen and very critical . You are laying the ground for his development as a man

GOD I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THESE KIDS INCLUDING MY OWN WHILE WE CHASE OR CHASED WHAT WE WANTED>>>>SOMEHOW THEY GET LEFT IN THE WAYSIDE

Most of the saddest stories revolve around what happens to these american kids both during and after their moms chasing love overseas

I know one girl whos 15 year old son killed himself at the demise of his moms marriage with a tunisian after the tunisian blamed the breakup of the marriage on her teen.. He quickly married a stripped shortly after his divorce and do you think he gave 2 shits about the American woman and her kids life he destroyed?

Be careful girl and much more of this you are going to have to choose. These kids dont deserve shitty parenting and you wouldnt choose an American who acted like this so why put up with it from this guy?

Rightfully so or not, you are one bitter bitter woman. Nothing else to say...

[moroccanwife 11]

I want to tell you something that may upset you, but you are going to have to choose your son. When my husband arrived her 4 years ago, my son was 11. He was a good boy. After several years of the experience of living with someone who didnt want to be a parent, my son began to rebel and its taken more than one year offsolid counseling and intensive intervention to keep him out of the peer group he fell into 3 years later. While you chase your immature jerk off of a husband around , you could lose your child. Stop everything you are doing and parent. The moroccan guy may not even be around in 3 or 4 years and part of marrying a girl with a kid.. yes jerk off, is to accept and help co parent... Not milk the american woman dry, cause her to neglect that one precious thing she has, her kid and then take off with what they wanted. If he doesnt act nice to your son, you need to leave the husband and stick with your kid.

Harsh? Yes. Honest. Yes. You wouldnt accept being with an American who didnt warm up to your child. Why would you accept it from some schmuck from overseas

And no there are no excuses. You are a mom first and the Moroccan guy needs to have a come to jesus talk with someone about the importance of parenting and taking you as a package. Why did you marry someone to begin with that wasnt interesting in parenting? Didnt you discuss this with him ahead of time? Your son needs you for gods sakes. 11 years old is pre teen and very critical . You are laying the ground for his development as a man

GOD I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THESE KIDS INCLUDING MY OWN WHILE WE CHASE OR CHASED WHAT WE WANTED>>>>SOMEHOW THEY GET LEFT IN THE WAYSIDE

Most of the saddest stories revolve around what happens to these american kids both during and after their moms chasing love overseas

I know one girl whos 15 year old son killed himself at the demise of his moms marriage with a tunisian after the tunisian blamed the breakup of the marriage on her teen.. He quickly married a stripped shortly after his divorce and do you think he gave 2 shits about the American woman and her kids life he destroyed?

Be careful girl and much more of this you are going to have to choose. These kids dont deserve shitty parenting and you wouldnt choose an American who acted like this so why put up with it from this guy?

ha ha first of all I want to thank you for your honesty and bluntness. Secondly, I fell in love with this man for the right reasons. Not because he was from another country. You are not talking to a high school girl with no experience. Thirdly, I have made it VERY clear to my husband that if I were put in a position to choose, my child stays. My husband is not cruel to my son by any means. I would not tolerate that from ANYONE. This child means everything to me...and long after any man is gone and remarried, I will still have my son. I explained this to my husband last night, just because he's 18 and off to college or the military or where ever, he does not stop being my son. I will still spend as much time with him as possible.

I think "jerk off" is a bit harsh, however, I think your words are coming from experience and raw emotion and I can sympathize with that. I think I tolerate this because I am not willing to give up on my husband that easily. If he were abusing my son or mis treating him, that's another story. I think in my husband's eyes, his views on divorce and "other" children come from his culture. There is not a high rate of divorce in Morocco. Here, it's everywhere. Americans learn to adjust to this sort of thing. My husband I think struggles with where he fits in.

I'm sorry for your misfortunes, but I can assure you...my son is my first priority...and always will be.

[moroccanwife 11]

Rightfully so or not, you are one bitter bitter woman. Nothing else to say...

hee hee no kiddin!!

[Mithra 1,185]

How long has your husband been in the states?

My sons were 9 and 10 when my husband arrived in the US. At first it was a bit rough on their part. They have a dad who they are very involved with so my husband was in no way going to be his replacement. My husband didn't have a problem with my boys but I know sometimes his feelings were hurt by their actions. They're good kids. They're pretty respectful and well behaved other than with each other as brothers often are. Even though their father is also from the Middle East, they would sometimes mock my husband's accent which I had to talk to them about. They weren't disrespectful (other than the mocking) to my husband but they were standoffish for the first year or so. My husband was always really good with the kids even from the start. He wanted them to accept him as a friend, at least. He's been here for 4 years now and they get along great. He plays video games with them and does other things to "bond" in his own way. He's really great with them. When we go somewhere as a family, he'll introduce them as "his kids". Now that he's been around them for 4 years, I think he does feel like they're "his" in a way. They would never call him dad or anything because they have a dad but they love him in their own way. Whenever they leave to go to their dad's house they'll hug him (even now at 13 and almost 15 yrs of age) and tell him they love him. Same as they do for me. I get kinda teary eyed thinking about it. They stick up for him if they think I'm being a little too harsh (pregnancy hormones). And he'll stick up for them if he thinks I'm being a little too hard on them. He'll tell me, "those boys are angels compared to how I was at their age." I know not everyone has a good experience in the step department. I know how lucky I am that I have had a good experience.

I hope things improve over time with you, as well.

ETA - I'm sorry I don't really have any advice as I don't know your son or your husband, personally. Advice in this instance would have to be more personalized, I think. My only advice would be to have patience and maybe have a family discussion about the tension. Maybe try to get out as a family and bond that way. Your husband may not know how to bond with your son. He's never been a dad before. It takes time.

Edited May 6, 2011 by Mithra

[moroccanwife 11]

How long has your husband been in the states?

My sons were 9 and 10 when my husband arrived in the US. At first it was a bit rough on their part. They have a dad who they are very involved with so my husband was in no way going to be his replacement. My husband didn't have a problem with my boys but I know sometimes his feelings were hurt by their actions. They're good kids. They're pretty respectful and well behaved other than with each other as brothers often are. Even though their father is also from the Middle East, they would sometimes mock my husband's accent which I had to talk to them about. They weren't disrespectful (other than the mocking) to my husband but they were standoffish for the first year or so. My husband was always really good with the kids even from the start. He wanted them to accept him as a friend, at least. He's been here for 4 years now and they get along great. He plays video games with them and does other things to "bond" in his own way. He's really great with them. When we go somewhere as a family, he'll introduce them as "his kids". Now that he's been around them for 4 years, I think he does feel like they're "his" in a way. They would never call him dad or anything because they have a dad but they love him in their own way. Whenever they leave to go to their dad's house they'll hug him (even now at 13 and almost 15 yrs of age) and tell him they love him. Same as they do for me. I get kinda teary eyed thinking about it. They stick up for him if they think I'm being a little too harsh (pregnancy hormones). And he'll stick up for them if he thinks I'm being a little too hard on them. He'll tell me, "those boys are angels compared to how I was at their age." I know not everyone has a good experience in the step department. I know how lucky I am that I have had a good experience.

I hope things improve over time with you, as well.

ETA - I'm sorry I don't really have any advice as I don't know your son or your husband, personally. Advice in this instance would have to be more personalized, I think. My only advice would be to have patience and maybe have a family discussion about the tension. Maybe try to get out as a family and bond that way. Your husband may not know how to bond with your son. He's never been a dad before. It takes time.

Thank you so much for your response. It made me teary eyed too. Very sweet and yes you are very lucky. I want to add to that my husband does not ever complain in the presence of my son. Nor does he every correct him for anything. I think a lot of it is my husband is afraid to let my son in for fear of getting hurt. The first summer my husband was here, my son made a remark about my husband being selfish when he thought my husband was outside. My husband heard him and he has held on to that for two years now. I will say they both have a lot of maturing to do. We have good times too. We do a lot together outside the home. They used to play video games and such together...but lately it seems my husband is distancing himself. I will definately keep working on it and I really appreciate your response

[Mithra 1,185]

Yeah the guys get hurt by kids' behavior or comments made. They may appear tough but they have feelings, too. You may want to talk to him alone about his feelings. See if you can suggest that the two of them go out together alone even if it's just for ice cream or to play soccer or baseball or whatever your son is in to. Your son is still quite young so he probably doesn't get that his words hurt since he wasn't doing the usual hurtful kid stuff (calling names, etc.). Like I said, give it time. If your husband is kind to you and your son, your son will eventually warm up to him. Just be sure that whenever you and your husband disagree or have an argument, do it in private. Just so your son doesn't get a bad idea about your husband. I know it probably doesn't need to be said but I know sometimes I'll slip up and argue or whatever in front of the kids (minor arguments).

[moroccanwife 11]

Yeah the guys get hurt by kids' behavior or comments made. They may appear tough but they have feelings, too. You may want to talk to him alone about his feelings. See if you can suggest that the two of them go out together alone even if it's just for ice cream or to play soccer or baseball or whatever your son is in to. Your son is still quite young so he probably doesn't get that his words hurt since he wasn't doing the usual hurtful kid stuff (calling names, etc.). Like I said, give it time. If your husband is kind to you and your son, your son will eventually warm up to him. Just be sure that whenever you and your husband disagree or have an argument, do it in private. Just so your son doesn't get a bad idea about your husband. I know it probably doesn't need to be said but I know sometimes I'll slip up and argue or whatever in front of the kids (minor arguments).

Absolutely agree with the arguing thing. I'll make your suggestions and thank you so much.

[Mithra 1,185]

You're welcome and good luck!! I have a feeling everything will be just fine.