PRE-NUP GOOD OR BAD IDEA?

[Kris & Liezl 3]

hmmmm..love is unconditional, no buts not if... please pray about it. you are not even married and he is thinking of divorce... pre nuptial agreements only shows that he doesnt trust you... A love without trust is not love at all.

I don't think is true. I love and trust my fiance very much! I'm thinking of nothing but spending my life with her. But this is America, and divorce is rampant here. Of course it is in the back of his mind. Anyone who tells you the probability of a divorce is NOT in the back of their mind, is lying! In the land of the 50% (or more) divorce rate, how could it NOT cross ones mind? I myself, have been struggling with when to bring this issue up with my fiance... I love her to death. She has my heart. I want to GIVE her everything, as long as our love is mutual... But if she decides, one day, that she wants a divorce - then I need to be protected.

Even the OP is thinking about divorce because she is concerned with what will happen with her, financially, if one does occur. If she were not concerned about the possibility of a divorce, then signing the pre-nup would be a non-issue. She says she is in Singapore, and earning well there - she should have him sign a pre-nup too.

But things happen, people change, etc., etc. A pre-nup is just an agreement where a couple decides to protect themselves from being destroyed, financially, if one occurs. Because the divorce laws in this country, as I understand it, are antiquated and tend to "benefit" only one party. Why should someone be entitled to half (or more) of what I have worked hard for simply because she decides she wants a divorce?

It says nothing about love or devotion. It's all about protecting yourself. Like I said before, if you don't believe in and don't think you will ever get divorced, then sign the pre-nup! Why is it even an issue, if you're going to be together for the rest of your life? I really don't understand why people insist that wanting a pre-nup indicates that their loved one is already plotting a divorce...

In the climate we're living in these days, everyone who marries should get a pre-nup.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; I think that those agreements doesn't necc have to mean something bad!!

My fiance, who is USC, also told me that he wants to put on an agreement, IN CASE we get divorced. Ofcourse, it won't happen.. we love each other so much, that even thinking about getting divorced makes us feel sad . My fiance has quit some money in the bank and he owns a lot. If it was the other way around, I would like for him to sign my agreement. It really hasn't anything to do with trust. He explained that to me, and he just want to have his own earnings. Also that piece of land he bought, where the house is standing on, used to be his grandma's, so it has emotional value. And nowadays, when people get divorced, they get ugly and are after people their belongings. Eventhough, he trusts me that I won't do that, he just do it to make it feel secure for him. Heck, I can enjoy everything he owns, and that's all that matters right? Who is the one who worked hard for it and paid for it? HE did, and not me!

... and maybe your fiance feels the same way. Just don't take it too personal!!

Edited May 5, 2011 by Channah&Aaron

[BRAD & ROSE 0]

i agree with mikedmaster...

but also, look at it like this, if you love him and are sure your marriage will work, why not sign it?...it will also prove to him that you have faith in your relationship and marriage, and shows you don't care about his money.

and also consider his offer pretty good.....if you and him stay married 2 years and you divorce he will pay you $10,000 a year...without that prenup, a judge will not give you anything for such a short term marriage....and if he divorces you after 10 years....well, $50,000 a year ,free and clear is good money no matter what country you live in.....seems like a win-win propostion to me.

[Alex B 9]

To me pre-nups mean 1 of 2 things: Either A)He/She is really rich and wants to protect their assets or B) Person marrying the other doesn't trust them and thinks they are just after their money.

IMO (In my opinion) pre-nups are doen by the insecure. Either way, whatever the reason, it shows a lack of trust in you and the relationship because regardless of the reason, he has it in the back of his mind that a divorce could happen and he'd lose his $$$.

Just my 2 cents on it.

I don't think I fully agree with your comments while I'm sure there are cases where A or B are true.

In my case I discussed a pre-nup with my wife but we never moved forward with it. It wasn't one of the more abusive ones though.

So add to the list C) Where you both have children from a prior marriage and wish to protect them in the event of a divorce. I did get as far as drafting one that really just re-stated the laws of Washington. e.g. It's a community after marriage so 50/50. What you bring into the marriage is yours and if you inherit stuff it's yours. When I was done there was no person benefiting or being taken advantage of. It did, however, show reasonableness and would have helped prevent an agressive lawyer from ignoring the state laws - and yes, it does happen.

As I said, I eventually decided not to move ahead because I felt the value was marginal.

[Maleman 5]

Firstly, not to debate the moral ground up front concerning Pre-nups, but first maybe you should consult with an attorney regarding Pre-nups. The little I’ve heard about them, they don’t seem to really do much in protecting a lot of financial ground already in place, in my opinion. The assets you have now are most probably safe going forward. However, if you decided to sell that large acreage you had before to finance a home, then it maybe likely in your state that this would then become community property. Thus, unless you are bringing a bulk of cash and assets in every year, then there might not be much alarm. As far as the moral issue, well, ask yourself how long do you think your marriage will last? Do you have existing children? Would the children be fair to your future wife in a situation regarding an estate matter? Chances are you are just having “cold feet” (Smile.) If you are curious as to whether or not a Pre-nup will assist your situation, then confer with any attorney. If you want to have faith pertaining to your marriage being strong and lasting, then consult with God. May God Bless your next steps.

[SuperDuper! 230]

OK, here is our attempt to bring SANITY AND REASON to this discussion. First NO ONE is addressing the fact that most WESTERN states are COMMUNITY PROPERTY states that already protect your INDIVIDUAL property, 100% black and white in the eyes of the law. So, if you are an average individual, with savings, stocks, home, retirement acct, ect, YOU ARE ALREADY PROTECTED UNDER THE LAW, NO PRENUP REQUIRED. You just need to document your assets and property and wealth prior to your big wedding day. Get your bank and financial statements together in an envelope, and document any and all assets that belong to you, and put them in a folder and lock them away. Done and done! If you have a growing and complicated business or real estate affairs, and/or remarkable wealth beyond your wildest dreams, then a prenup will be needed. Don't fall for the hype. Chances are, your COMMUNITY PROPERTY state laws, already protect your INDIVIDUAL ASSETS that you owned long b4 you met your foreign, young hottie that floats your boat. You don't need 2 lawyers and expensive documents. Yes, CAPS intentionally added to capture the attention of the rampant ADHD crowd out there. Good night and good luck!

Edited May 5, 2011 by Boing!

[J&N* 68]

I'm sorry, but I would not do it, discussing my divorce before my marriage is not a good sign no matter what the reason is, both people should be entering the marriage in good faith, or else, don't get married. He apparently doesn't trust you, or doesn't trust that the marriage will work. IF you get a divorce, you should get half of everything he has, this is your right, why give it up? What if you got sick, had a baby, and then a divorce? The money will help! Seriously, do not give up your right, i watch this show "Divorce wars" and there are horrific stories about pre-nups, they never have happy endings, please, please, think very carefully before you sign anything like this, this is very serious.

Those here who tell you "do it because I did it" just want to justify it just because they had to do it, if they had any choice, they'd have never done it.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Nermeen&Joe

[Chris&Lainey 2]

I concur with some of the response here about the PRE-NUP: However, not everyone have the same view or perspective about wether a pre-nup is good or bad.

But in the name of true love, you have to trust and have faith to each other. Relationships aren't perfect and no marriage that doesn't go through a lot of ups and downs.

In my own view, and if I were him regardless of what I have, that my love to a woman will be because of love that comes deep inside my heart. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you that deep or anything

but, the only way to figure that out is to trust each other in every day of your life.

Remember: money can't buy true love....... no matter how much billions you have......

I hope that you will have a time with him to discuss about this matter and soon have a resolution. but remember always follow what you think is right and what makes you happy...

Goodluck!!!!!!!

[gyi 1]

Love and marriage, love and marriage thinking of the prenuptial those lyrics are coursing through my thoughts, now for my two cents on the prenuptial, a good prenuptial guards the assets acquired before marriage of either spouse, assets acquired in the marraige are split evenly, taxes, debts, interest or income on prior or current assets should be covered also, bottom line is, it is a worthy agreement, when the interest of both spouses are taking into consideration.

[Otto 83]

** Topic is not a K-1 Procedure-related subject (nor an immigration-related topic really) and may be most appropriate in Off Topic; moving thread there.

[K and T 0]

I hate the concept of prenups..but that's maybe just me. If there was even a slight doubt of a failed marriage in the future, my wife and I wouldnt have gotten married in the first place. May mine (and hers) upbringing (we're both Indians) have to do the way we do and think about things things too. A "prenup" simply doesnt exist in our culture.

[yellow_flower 2]

Hi everyone, im just very confuse so if anyone of you who have this i apreciate your opinion.

ok, i just got aproved last week for my fiancee visa but than now my fiance (boyfriend) discuss with me about having pre-nup ,that before we get married i have to agree and sign. and according to him that it written that If we got divorce i will get a pay out of 5thousand$ a year whatever year i stayed with him. and that i am not eligeble half of his assets which i undrestand. and he offer me $200 POCKET MONEY while i dont have earning and once im earning i got nothing.. i am working right now in singapore and im earning ok . im a bit worried that this matter wont do me any good. I really want to settle down with him but i feel that im not secured with his condition as i felt i am stranger to him. i dont know but i never encounter here in asia having this kind of agreement.. i appreciate if any one of you can give an opinion for this .Thank you..

when a person, whether a man or a woman asks for a pre-nup - it means that person was hurt very bad in the past and is having difficulty trusting a new partner as far as finances is concerned. try and talk to your fiance about this. what exactly is bugging him before you throw yourself into the fire. I can see from your details that you are more or less established in Singapore. sayang kung iiwan mo ang naumpisahan mo, tapos mag uumpisa ka sa wala pagdating mo dito.

alam mo, hindi naiiba ang condition ko sa'yo. that's why even if I haven't slept yet, I logged in here to send you this reply. I used to work in an embassy in the Phils. my daughter studies in a private school and I have a small but beautiful and well equipped apartment in Makati. in other words, love na lang talaga ang kulang. when my friend (now my husband) proposed marriage, we had lots of arrangement. kse nga we both had bad relationship in the past. hindi man in writing, we held strong to these arrangements. on my part ayaw ko ng sinungaling, baon sa utang at maraming issues sa buhay. on his part, he asked that I don't take his house (in case the relationship doesn't work out) and I help out sa bayaran sa bahay.

fast forward. 1-hr before I met my in-laws, my fiance told me about a pre-nup I need to sign. I wasn't shocked but I was wondering why. gosh, kung kelan I am already in the US why bring that up? fine, we met my in-laws. they started talking about my fiance's ex etc etc. I was very straight forward with them. they can put whatever conditions in the pre-nup provided I get to put 3 conditions for myself: 1) let me and help me find work. the soonest I find work, I will find my own house so he could keep his house if that means so much to him 2) though shall not get jealous of my job and make an issue out of it. I have a record of being dedicated and passionate at work, palagi ako na po-promote na nagiging cause ng insecurity ng lalake. and 3) in case the relationship turns bad, give me at least 30days notice to pack my stuff and leave. no questions asked.

believe it or not, I didn't even see the paper they were talking about!!! that was in Sep2010.

I will confess that of my 7mos marriage, about 80% is hell - thanks to my stepchildren. now na nakuha ko na EAD ko at SSN, I am able to look for a job. my aim is to find my own place to stay and be independent. I told my husband na since hindi tao ang trato sa akin ng mga anak nya, hindi ako magbabayad ng share ko sa utilities. nek nek nya! anyway, grabe and competition dito with regards to work. even if you are educated, the opportunity is limited - depends on which state you reside.

so if I were you, pag-isipan mong mabuti. aanhin mo ang pag-ibig kung araw-araw umiiyak ka... hindi pa kayo kasal ganyan na ang conditions nyo. what more kung kasal na kayo at magbago na naman ang isip nya?

[Fandango 1,440]

I didn't read through the responses, but I wanted to give my opinion.

I think it's pretty shady to have this discussion NOW, after you've already gone through the visa process. It's like he left it until the last minute, which to me, I find shady.

The prenup is truly your decision...I am very confused by him listing your 'allowance' for the month. I think that's pretty shady too. Don't husbands and wives have a budget and stick to that, without any pre-deciding beforehand?

I also think that considering the fact that you have assets of your own, this contract shouldn't be unilateral...it should also mention your assets and his inability to lay claim to any of them, should the marriage fail. To me, it is also quite shady if his verbiage mentioned nothing of yours...I mean, if you are going to have this frank discussion about assets, shouldn't it be fair to mention that he won't lay claim to yours? Or is he only concerned with his?

Edited May 5, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[tokyobelle 2]

i would read the draft first before jumping into conclusions. i think pre-nups were designed for men to protect themselves from gold-digging women. can't blame some of them cuz if i were a rich guy, i would probably do the same.

anyway, this shouldn't really be a problem if you are earning more than he does or independent. perhaps it's a blow on many people's egos. i had an ex who told me we will sign up a pre-nup if we get married. told him sure. ROFL he had to think twice when he realized i earn more than he does.

personally i won't have a problem with it since i am very much self-reliant but i would definitely question the reason. if there's so much double-standard in the clauses, then i would doubt marrying the guy. my fiance and i have a verbal "pre-nup" agreement even before we considered dating each other. good thing we see each other eye-to-eye in that aspect. we pretty much both have the caretaker attitude so money isn't really an issue except if the partner is not exerting any effort to help out doing his share of the bills or household chores.

[Ready to do it 101]

We're definitely going to have to keep you far far away from my future spouse. Do you really believe that?

IF you get a divorce, you should get half of everything he has, this is your right, why give it up? i watch this show "Divorce wars"