PRE-NUP GOOD OR BAD IDEA?

[moroccogirlny 100]

Does your fiance have children? If so he might be looking out for their sake. My father remarried and he had a pre-nup which is what my step mother wanted as well since she has kids of her own and looking out for their best as well.

[clarence954 20]

I would say that this warrants a frank and open discussion. You two need to sit down and discuss this and you need to get to the bottom of why he wants the prenup and why he chose those terms. Furthermore, you also need to look out for yourself as well as the relationship so you should also consult with an attorney to make sure the terms are as equitable as possible. I understand why you may feel that he does not trust you, but understand he would not be going through this process without love (it is a horrible process as we all know) and most likely he is trying to protect himself in the instance that things go sour (and you should do the same). No one can predict the future and as much as we are in love and enjoy the though of relationships lasting forever, the truth is alot don't and we need to be prepared for that as well. This is not to say that you should sign whatever he gives you just because. There are many things that can be put into a prenup, some people put in adultery clauses, others put in length of marriage clauses more equitable distribution of assets the longer the marriage lasts, he might be amenable to that IF he fears you leaving shortly with half of his assets. Its hard not to look at this as a direct attack on you and the trust in the relationship but its something that needs to be addressed calmly and rationally so when discussing it look at it as a fear issue rather than a trust issue. As much as we love someone we cannot predict what they will do and he could be scared, either way you need to find out why, discuss it, and protect yourself as well.

I wish you good luck

I second that, we all want the fairy tale ending but most of the time it doesn't end that way, so why not discuss these issues now instead of going through it if you ever become bitter

[ThomKimQC 14]

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hmmmm..love is unconditional, no buts not if... please pray about it. you are not even married and he is thinking of divorce... pre nuptial agreements only shows that he doesnt trust you... A love without trust is not love at all.

[Brit Abroad 166]

This really does require a lot of discussion between you. Along with the "if our marriage has problems, what is our plan to deal with them?" and "we're going to have differences of opinion at some stage, how do we move forward when that happens?" and "how frequently will I be able to visit my family and friends in my home country?" conversations that all engaged couples should be having. Being in love is wonderful, but a lifetime's commitment requires a little more thought on how the relationship will/might develop.

I can understand each of you wanting to preserve your assets in the event you end up divorced - make sure you also include YOUR assets in any pre-nup, plus enough cash to reestablish yourself back in your home country IF your marriage should fail and you choose to return to your homeland. You marry in good faith and give up everything in your life to be with this person, that's not such a lot to ask in return.

However, at what stage is your fiance going to be willing to trust you? After X years of marriage? Children? Grandchildren? Does his distrust stem from a previous relationship? Is he following a family tradition? Are his parents happily married? Divorced? Multiple divorces? Someone's family history can often give clues about how your future spouse expects your relationship to work. Do his family argue violently, or bicker good naturedly or retreat into angry and cold silences? This person is supposed to be your spouse for life, so having some understanding of how they are likely to react when angry/upset gives some idea of how to manage potential problems.

From the AOS position, they look for mingled finances as proof of a shared life and genuine marriage. How is your fiance planning on meeting this requirement? Of course, the pre-nup will be superceded in law by the Affidavit of Support, should you separate and remain in the US anyway, so his offer to support you only until you find work is slightly absurd.

I know many people are shocked and horrified by the idea of a pre nup between lovers but, seriously, him requesting a pre nup isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just shows he's maybe more cautious of love and trust. There are normally reasons why people lack trust, and this should be the basis of the conversation you have.

Hope you can sort it out to the satisfaction of both parties.

[ThomKimQC 14]

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i dont felt good about prenuptial not bcoz i am after about the money,but this topic will going to insult me for my man needs to protect his self on me,even do a woman came into a 3rd world country he doesnt have a right to make that woman feel uncomfortable about his status in life. ....

you can sign prenuptial 10times but think about it girl....your not even marry to this guy and his already talkin about divorce you should felt insulted from the fact that he thinks that your some gold digger and he needs to protect his self from you...

FR.KIM

Edited May 4, 2011 by ThomKimQC

[DoneWaiting 15]

I think the most ignorant [not in an offensive way] statement we can make is comment that Hedoesn't love her or planning future breakup when thinking about pre-nup.People, let's have caution in how we reasoning our thoughts, sometimes we domore damage than help.

BridAbroad has brought excellent points that none of us have consider when commenting on this matter. Webecame extremely offended and the topic turns very personal, possibly due to prior experiences. But we are notthe people wearing those shoes at the moment and perhaps your personal case is not theirs.

Let's be extreme careful in how we use our comments for thebenefit of their future marriage.

by the way, pushbrk comment is also on point as many others in this blog...

Edited May 4, 2011 by DoneWaiting

[katiemanny 64]

i dont felt good about prenuptial not bcoz i am after about the money,but this topic will going to insult me for my man needs to protect his self on me,even do a woman came into a 3rd world country he doesnt have a right to make that woman feel uncomfortable about his status in life. ....

you can sign prenuptial 10times but think about it girl....your not even marry to this guy and his already talkin about divorce you should felt insulted from the fact that he thinks that your some gold digger and he needs to protect his self from you...

FR.KIM

[Ready to do it 101]

That is an extremely weak prenup. 2 reasons for prenup... extremely rich or totally insecure. I've never really heard of a prenup that didn't involve at least a few hundred thousand dollars. Anything less than that, what is the purpose?

Based on what you have written... $5k for each year married and $200 pocket money??... and he's a teacher.

You make $3,500/month and free housing, have $50k in the bank, and own property? Sounds like maybe it is you, not him, who needs to be doing a prenup. That was a joke, but I think the prenup offered is simply a "I am totally insecure about this relationship, I know it is going to fail, but I will try it anyhow and I am going to offer peanuts to protect my #######.

To me pre-nups mean 1 of 2 things: Either A)He/She is really rich and wants to protect their assets or B) Person marrying the other doesn't trust them and thinks they are just after their money.

IMO (In my opinion) pre-nups are doen by the insecure. Either way, whatever the reason, it shows a lack of trust in you and the relationship because regardless of the reason, he has it in the back of his mind that a divorce could happen and he'd lose his $$$.

Just my 2 cents on it.

[katiemanny 64]

That is an extremely weak prenup. 2 reasons for prenup... extremely rich or totally insecure. I've never really heard of a prenup that didn't involve at least a few hundred thousand dollars. Anything less than that, what is the purpose?

Based on what you have written... $5k for each year married and $200 pocket money??... and he's a teacher.

You make $3,500/month and free housing, have $50k in the bank, and own property? Sounds like maybe it is you, not him, who needs to be doing a prenup. That was a joke, but I think the prenup offered is simply a "I am totally insecure about this relationship, I know it is going to fail, but I will try it anyhow and I am going to offer peanuts to protect my #######.

Pre-up agreement has nothing to do rather you love your partner or not, its simply a written piece of paper stating if you cheat on me or dump me before 10 years you wont get half of my hard earned assets, loving someone has nothing to do with what they have. Personally I think pre-nup doesn't mean the person seeking it is not in love with his/her partner.

Its like a condition kinda thing. As my counselor told me, there's no such thing as an unconditional love.

Edited May 4, 2011 by katiemanny

[C Med 14]

I agree with many of the others. You need to have a conversation with your fiancee about this. Maybe there's a reason he wants or needs a prenup that you can except. Maybe not. The point is that you have to talk to him about it. Everyone feels differently about prenups. Personally, if my fiancee asked me for one, I would be crushed. Not because I want his money, but because it would mean that while we're planning to be married, he's planning for the possibility of divorce. Hurtful. Talk it over with him, ask him why he wants one, and then explain how you feel about it. Compromise if you can.

Never sign a legal document unless you are in full agreement of the terms. That goes for any legal document at all.

[milimelo 4,534]

Have him pay for a lawyer for the pre-nup (lawyer exclusively for you, not his lawyer) - with assets you have perhaps he wants you to have that protection.

Edited May 4, 2011 by milimelo

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

A few things to consider: His family (or others) may be putting some pressure on him or voicing their concern - telling him probably the same thing you are being told from the other side "If she loves you and thinks this is forever then why would she object to a pre-nup?". My family broached the subject with me (two lawyers in the family). My situation is different that yours - she has no assets - I don't think it is fair to rip someone from their entire support system (family) and plop them in a country/culture where they do not speak the language and are totally dependent on you and then have them sign something that in essence is saying "if it works awesome! if not - well you are on your own".

Your case is different - you have money, own a home, and you speak the language well and will probably adapt and prosper here more quickly than most.. He has a pre-nup - how are your assets being handled in the pre-nup? Are you planning on working when you are living in the US? Does he expect your money to become part of the community property? ... My mother recently married a wealthy man.. the pre-nup is set up so that all of her money/assets are not touched while they are alive (he is 74, she is 65) and whoever dies first the other gets the house (the only asset that is considered shared) and the assets of the dying partner go to that persons children.. For their situation that is fair.. No doubt he has a reason he is pursuing a pre-nup - Find out....

Edited May 4, 2011 by OnMyWayID

[Hilbill 0]

A few things to consider: His family (or others) may be putting some pressure on him or voicing their concern - telling him probably the same thing you are being told from the other side "If she loves you and thinks this is forever then why would she object to a pre-nup?". My family broached the subject with me (two lawyers in the family). My situation is different that yours - she has no assets - I don't think it is fair to rip someone from their entire support system (family) and plop them in a country/culture where they do not speak the language and are totally dependent on you and then have them sign something that in essence is saying "if it works awesome! if not - well you are on your own".

Your case is different - you have money, own a home, and you speak the language well and will probably adapt and prosper here more quickly than most.. He has a pre-nup - how are your assets being handled in the pre-nup? Are you planning on working when you are living in the US? Does he expect your money to become part of the community property? ... My mother recently married a wealthy man.. the pre-nup is set up so that all of her money/assets are not touched while they are alive (he is 74, she is 65) and whoever dies first the other gets the house (the only asset that is considered shared) and the assets of the dying partner go to that persons children.. For their situation that is fair.. No doubt he has a reason he is pursuing a pre-nup - Find out....

I AGREE. It could be hi family and even though he is a teacher doesn't mean he doesn't come from a wealthy family.

[HappyInHawaii 6]

nickoftime, on 11 November 2008 - 07:25 AM, said:

I declared the terms of our pre-nup. I told my hubby that everything he owns is mine and everything I own is mine. In Tagalog, ang iyo ay akin at ang akin ay akin pa rin, hahaha!

Verrrrry Cute.

Im thinking about making a prenup. Im just starting to look into it today?

Why?? I have some kids and property.

And while im not planning on getting divorced........

Mrs. BB, on 09 November 2008 - 12:13 PM, said:

You prepare for the worst and hope for the best. In this day and age I think it's a smart thing to do. But that's just my opinion.

The Prenup would relay something to the effect

Upon Divorce

"All New Asssets (since our marriage date) will be split equally"

Upon Death

Prorated per year my assets

year 1 10% Wife - 90% kids

year 2 15/85

year 3 20/80

year 4 25/75

year 5 30/70

year 6 35/75

year 7 40/60

year 8 45/55

year 9 50/50

to

year 50 50/50

Ofcourse there is a whole lot more to put into this and it need to be all lawyered up, but Im just thinking out-loud.

Does this seem out of line???

Any advise or pointers will be appreciated......... mahalo................. happy

[pepper 34]

This is a first person experience. We have a pre-nup.First of all, having a pre-nuptial agreement doesn't mean that there's no love and trust involved. Dont think of it as "he doesnt trust me enough" kind of thing. When my husband got divorced his ex-wife took almost everything away from him-money,house,cars,furnitures,their kids.He was left for broke.So protecting himself this time around is just normal I guess.Once bitten twice shy. When we talked about it I got offended which is normal but what the heck I dont wanna look like I'm like his greedy ex if I insist that that I have to get 50% of his assets. Its like what they say for better or for worse. I looked at the bigger picture and did not focus that I will get nil in case of divorce. Some women look at it differently but for me its not a deal breaker. Instead of focusing on assets that I will not get I focused more on understanding him and where he was coming from. You both need to talk and discuss about this,you have a free will and nobody can force you to sign that piece of paper.

Edited May 4, 2011 by earp