Sharing some red flags

[MAO36 30]

@ MAO36.... Unfortunately there is so much poverty in 3rd world countries, therefore people do very desperate things. That includes marrying(scamming) people into marriages, even though they are not attracted to them, or love them.

I read about 3 pages of the thread and I was hoping someone would mention this. The reason your husband is not seeking a divorce is not because he sees some future with you. Based on how's he's acting, I guarantee he's in it for the following reasons:

1) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now.

2) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now.

3) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now.

I have a friend (south african) who is 28 and married a 47 year old woman. He pretty much scammed her into marriage and says he's not at all attracted to her. I asked him why he won't divorce her, and he said it would be stupid to do so now. If he waits it out, he can get his citizenship in 2 more years. She also cosigned on some school loans for him etc.

Hello Curve!

Thanks for figuring things out for me so quickly! Summing it up in a few simple lines lol! The truth is everything has been signed sealed & delivered. His 10 year greencard has been issued. He could leave anytime he would like. This man had to be reminded to file for adjustment of status and removal of conditions. He as never been in tuned with the whole immigration procedures without my help. Also, I never said we spoke about getting a divorce. I'll be sure to let you know if he refuses shall it go that way though! I honestly have felt and experienced some wonderful times with my husband. I think it was two-fold with him. Yes, he wanted to get out of of poverty and yes, he grew to love me in his own nigerian way, but was not ready for a ready made family. Newly married, with 3 stepkids which he pays for their health insurance, takes them to the doctor, provides food for them and contributes to the household bills. He has told me it takes a lot for a nigerian man to support another man's kids but he has done so. If I didn't think my husband loved me, I would not be wasting my time discussing my private life with strangers. I have seen his love in action. He cooks for me, we hang out like kids do, we cut-up , we laugh and unfortunately we fight. I'm sorry about your friend and please offer my sincerest apologies to her. Thank you for your opinion, I'll keep it in mind. Thank goodness, I have never been asked to co-sign for his car loan or student loan. He handled his finances on his own. That would of been devastating!

[MAO36 30]

Your post almost brought me to tears as it reminds me so much of me. My husband and i have gone through it all since he has been her and i have found out so many things that bothered me. I didn't have to go searchign for anything, infact, i had no suspicion, he openly admitted them to me because he wanted to come clean some of which were so devastating. I tried but i had lost my trust and so i was sure that he had used me to get here, sure that it was all a mistake, sure that he was planning to leave eventually. I searched, and searched for evidence. Everytime i searched i convinced myself that if i found definte proof that i would surely leave him but i never found any definite proof of anything. I could not, would not send him back home becuase he my daughter's father and she loves him and he adores her. To see them together brings tears to my eyes. The thing is, that distrust showed and it became so bad that every word he said was a lie to me. It affected me, him and most importantly our daughter. I am learning though that if we are going to make th is work, i am going to have to forgive and learn to trust him again. My husband does not go anywhere. He works, he comes home, that is all he does. He is not good at housekeeping but he will cook sometimes. My constant questioning and accusing made him angry sometimes but he never really pushed back and i think it hurt him. I am not saying that what he did was right but my reaction was normal but hurtfull. I take responsibility for that. It takes two to make a marriage work or not work. I am learning that. There were red flags for me but i ignored them mostly because he was not someone i had just met, we grew up together and he was my first love, first boyfriend etc.

Hello MrsRowe,

I remember you from a while back when I was in the filing process. Your statement says it all about you and your husband having gone through it all! I can only imagine and can certainly empathize as well as sympathize with you. I know it is twice as hard when there are children involved that are a part of both of you. I pray that things will get better for you both so that you can enjoy one another. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's important to know that if the love is genuine, there is nothing you too cannot overcome! . Thanks

[MAO36 30]

Mao, the thing is...if he didnt do this to YOU my friend...I would in all honesty talking to him and supporting the counsel the elders are giving him becauase of that love i have my brother and the heart I saw that he had...remember when he heard of my story how he felt really bad for me? Altho It baffles me how he doesnt reconcile what he heard of my issue with what hes done to u. but because you are my friend and sister and having been in your shoes I cant emotionaly detach myself from the outrage and injustice. there are two sides to every story but sometimes u lose by default...for instance...when yr driving without a licence and altho being the victim of another drivers carelessnes...once the cop knows yr not licenced...its yr fault cause u shouldnt have been on the road in the first place..u are not the spiritual head of that family...u dont bear the full burdon of this infidelity he does...he is held accountable as Adam was for his mistake...altho eve instigated it and althou adam and eve both suffered...it was Adam who was held accountable for all the worlds descent into futility.."thru ONE MAN sinned into the world." Having said that i feel so bad for your husband that he is such an idiot! I love my brother still...cause i know the good he could have chosen to do and if he prayed for the strentght and relied on God he would have taken reign of his family and become a pillar in the congregation..and he would have made my friend and sister happy and she would have inturn made him happy....but alas. smh...another one bites the dust...this men dont relize they disappoint not only the wife and family but cause many to be disheartened and add to the overwhelming distress that we feel everday in this worlds downworld spiral. If I could talk to him I would tell him to really rely and draw close to Jehovah and understand why this is very wrong..where did it start..even if back to lagos with the other foolish doubled life friends that covered for eachother while growing up...and man up and take responsibility....there is a saying i love..."a man can fall many times but is not a failure until he blames someone else for pushing him" I would tell him to make the steps to set his path straight and remind him of the reward for doing so..not only iwth God but with his beautiful wife who only needs to know u love her with your actions...for her to be inspired to be the woman u want her to be. So many blessing...my brother if u can get it together. Not an easy road ahead if u do...its worth it. Having said that Mao...i know the reality...some people just dont have it in them to b all that they can b. I love u sis...and like I said whatever u choose im here...whether its as two single women hitting the dance floor when i visit woohoo! or joinging my sis AND brother for fun filled dinner out..this is yr life im only along for the ride LOL

Thank you Efiado! You know us the best. It feels good to know that whatever I decide, you are ready to party! I know you will find true love when you're ready to have it in your life. Love you!

[MAO36 30]

Everyone is right MAO, you do not have to worry about telling this man what you need from him in order to trust him again. I did the same thing. I told my husband that I would have a hard time trusting him, that it would take a long time and he should not be suprised if he sees me checking his phone, or driving past his job lol. It may sound crazy but 4 real these men have broken our trust and THEY have to earn it back. I saw in another post that you thought my husband cheated while we were seperated by countries, that is not the case. He cheated twice while here and had not even been here a whole year. BUT and that is a big BUT, I have told you some of the things that I did, like the abusive speech, but I also have gone off and thrown his clothes out, slapped him, and saidI wish I had never brought you here. Why do you think I can tell you with ALL sincerity of heart I think this man loves you and you should give him another chance. It is becuase when I say I have been in your shoes, I have been in your shoes. I feel like this is a wonderful time to sit down and truly talk about your marriage and what has gone wrong on both ends and truly work hard to make the needed changes TOGETHER. Girl if I had known then what I know now it could have saved me a whole agonizing year.

I feel you on the black woman thing. That was my mistake. Plus not honouring my husband at all. You know we sometimes think having a hot plate and a warm bed will satisfy our men but then we are ready to throw that same plate in their face or put them down for they way they washed the plate or made the bed. We can nag and complain and be controlling but what we are really trying to control is our own insecurity of being hurt. Its a hard cycle to break but we must follow Jehovahs principles of honouring our husbands if we want to not only please Jehovah but also have a happy marriage. Our husbands also must do their part but the reason I talk to us ladies more is becuase we have a bad habit. And here is that bad habit....

We always think it is our husbands job to be a perfect husband. Have no flaws, ALWAYS be considerate of our feeling, ALWAYS think to buy us the nice gifts, NEVER forget an anniversary, ALWAYS be a perfect man mom and know exactly the right way to raise our children, ALWAYS have the sense to never make the wrong decision for the family. ALWAYS BE PERFECT and when they are not MR PERFECT to us we have our girlfriends with their advice. GIRL LEAVE HIM, GIRL HE A DOG, GIRL THATS A TRIP, GIRL HE JUST USING YOU, GIRL HE IS STUPID, GIRL YOU CAN FIND YOU SOMEONE BETTER, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL. But the truth is we want people to overlook our imperfections and mistakes but we dont do the same for our husbands. And then we have our girlfriends, well meaning friends, that tell us to walk away and dont be a fool, while they make the same mistakes in their own relationships. My husband once told me, "when you leave and walk away where are these same friends going to be when you are alone?" Yes they can call and say "we did the right thing" and "dont let no man play you" but truly where will they be when we have to clean up the pieces of our broken marriages? They mean well, I have meant well when i have said that to my girlfriends, but we have to realize that no human is perfect. Satan preys on the one at their weakest point and at the moment it was our husbands but it could have just as easily been you , me, or someone else.

Jehovah told husbands to assign honour to women as the weaker vessel but he also strongly admonished wives to have deep respect for their husbands. A woman clings to love like a man clings to respect. We may love our husbands but if we are saying and doing things to treat him disdain then we are not showing him ANY respect and therer is that scripture I believe is in proverbs about how the tongue can be like a sword.

Yes our husbands cheated but what have we done as well. If they had cheated when things were great then I could say with all my heart "let em go" but under our circumstances I could not say that. I can not with a whole heart look you in the eye and say leave this man. He may have been intrigued about the story becuase "he loves you". I really feel he loves you. We have to ask ourselves, if our husband put us through some of the verbal and maybe physical asualts that we have, what would our girlfriends have told us to do? LEAVE. But we have done that to our husbands and we expect them to take it like men all the while loving us and enduring the pain for love. Men do have hearts too even though we like to think they dont lol. Michelle I always say we becuase I have been with you figurativly. I have been with you, and hearing your story is like replaying mine all over again.

If you can stand it without dying inside, please give this man another chance. Dont let pride, or fear, or hurt stop you from repairing a marriage that I believe can be repaired. I dont think this man used you. I think this man loved you like he did in Naija becuase he could. He was home, he was surrounded by his support group, friends, family, brothers and sister he knew all his life. He had his own money and the ability to show you the man he was. But when he came here he was under someone elses control. Had no money of his own, no dignity, and no support system. When I lived in Naija I withdrew. I was depressed and I can tell you I did not want to do anything. I didnt want to partake in socializing and when I saw fellow Americans I became so excited thats who I wanted to be with. I didnt want to cook, clean, do anything besides talk to my family on the phone. Did I use my husband to get to Naija LOL. I am just trying to bring a smile to your face. But seriously, please give him another chance. Give yourseleves another chance. Really put in place that deep repsect and let him show you the honour that comes with it. Doesnt mean things will be perfect. Doesnt mean he will do everything right. Doesnt mean you will do everything right. But keeping that tongue in check and letting this man run things even if he makes mistakes will bring a happy marriage. Jehovah says it Girl so it must be true. I didnt want to believe it and at first I had to saw my tongue in half with my teeth to shut up and let him run things. Even still I have had times that i have had to deeply apologize for somthing I have said but you know what? it is paying off. My husband is a changing man who actually asks me now what do I want to do. He asks becuase I am not constantly telling him lol. The other day in the store I put two garbage cans in the cart and I was just spending away, but then i stopped and asked myself if this was his money how would I feel, how do i feel when he just goes and buys somthing I think is stupid? I go off. So I stopped and asked him what he thought about me buying them. He said "baby i dont think we need them" when I said ok and put them back he got sooo worried and said "baby, your not mad are you? if you want the cans thats ok, get them" I said no, thats ok and put them back. I am not bragging at ALL, just sharing how making the changes really does benefit the marriage but really benefits us. Its nice when my husband compliments me now. He had stopped and didnt want to be around me but now its getting to be like it was when we first met. He tells me I am his everything now and his life. Michelle your husband will tell you and show you those things again! HE WILL, I HAVE FAITH. Forgive him and allow him to forgive you and you guys will make it. YOU WILL.

Love to my bro and sis, DEE

DEE! you really should write a book. I admire your drive girl! Where do you get the energy?? lol Thank you for making me laugh, making me thinkg and as always setting matters straight from the bible's point of view. Why do I feel like we've know each other for years?? Thank you for clarifying the time he did what he did! Dee, you have come a long way and it shows that you have learned so much. I appreciate the way you sit down and write out all your thoughts to me and the members when I know you could be doing something else. I am going t sit down and discuss things with my Husband and see where his head is. Of course he has been asking for forgivenes and apologizing left and right but I think, until we are able to agree upon the major changes which have to be made, I can't make a move. I need to observe a couple of things and check a few things out first. Driving by the job lol! I might just do that tonight. I enjoyed the garbage can story, lol and I really enjoyed the fact that he is being very loving and affectionate to you. I love that! You deserve every bit of it DEE.

Love ya Sis

[His Glory 25]

Thank you Efiado! You know us the best. It feels good to know that whatever I decide, you are ready to party! I know you will find true love when you're ready to have it in your life. Love you!

Girl...im ready for love now. but its all the wahala that comes with im not ready for and i know marriage has its problems..but im burnt out on all that jazz. I dont want to watch what i say and keep my cool if he does this or says that. I dont want to be a "good" Christian wife/martyr for awhile. Im having fun just doing me right now..and u know im havin fun

[S_R 148]

DEE! you really should write a book. I admire your drive girl! Where do you get the energy?? lol Thank you for making me laugh, making me thinkg and as always setting matters straight from the bible's point of view. Why do I feel like we've know each other for years?? Thank you for clarifying the time he did what he did! Dee, you have come a long way and it shows that you have learned so much. I appreciate the way you sit down and write out all your thoughts to me and the members when I know you could be doing something else. I am going t sit down and discuss things with my Husband and see where his head is. Of course he has been asking for forgivenes and apologizing left and right but I think, until we are able to agree upon the major changes which have to be made, I can't make a move. I need to observe a couple of things and check a few things out first. Driving by the job lol! I might just do that tonight. I enjoyed the garbage can story, lol and I really enjoyed the fact that he is being very loving and affectionate to you. I love that! You deserve every bit of it DEE.

Love ya Sis

@curve

I am really shocked at your assumptions in this case. There is poverty in the 3rd world country but you still have decent people inhabiting those places. You can't just say things like " I guarantee he's in for the citizenship". You are not in any position to do that. Now that all your assumptions have fallen flat will you atleast have the decency to retract your statement? She has a major issue with her SO and the best we all can do is offer her our prayers and "good" piece of advice.Lets not superimpose what "our" friends are doing or even going through on another family. You sound like somebody who may not believe in a second chance and that's too bad.

@MA036

I am happy you have decided to have a heart to heart talk with your huby and i pray you guys work things out.i want you to remember that

When you exchanged vows, you promised your spouse that you would stay with him "until death do you part." So what happened to get you to the point that you are considering divorce? If you can remember what made you fall in love in the first place, you can learn how to save your marriage.

Schedule some time together. Turn off your cell phones, your television and your instant messenger. Now sit down together and really listen to each other. Share your feelings with your spouse and listen to him share his feelings as well.

Make time to be intimate with your spouse.

Taking the time to send your spouse a little reminder that you love him can really help you reconnect. Plus, emphasizing your significant other's best qualities can remind you what made you fall in love in the first place.

Make your spouse your number one priority. With work and kids demanding your constant attention, it's easy to ignore the other adult in your life. But someday it will once again just be the two of you, and you are going to find that you no longer truly know the person sleeping beside you. Take a moment each day for your spouse and let him know you're thinking about him throughout the day.

Plan a date night. Many couples get so comfortable with each other after being married for several years that they stop dressing up for each other and going out on dates. You can re-energize your relationship with your spouse by planning a night out once a week when you have no choice but to dress your best.

Strive to eat at least one meal together a day.

Plan a trip together without the kids.

Don't use the word "divorce" every time you have a fight.

Don't use the children as an excuse to avoid each other

Do something for yourself. If you're feeling self-conscious about your body, you're probably going to REFLECT that onto your spouse. Create an exercise program to help you lose weight and eat a balanced diet. Buy yourself a new outfit for date night, or spend a day at the spa. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself.

Deciding if your marriage is worth saving depends on personal growth, fulfillment of dreams and your opinion of your partner's character. I wish you guys Gods guidance.

[Curve 20]

@ MAO36... I apologize for making assumptions.

@ Rhoda_Sam I definitely retract my assumptions. I'm impressed that he takes care of her children, especially since/if they are not his. I made the assumptions because this thread is about the warning signs she saw about her husband - ie signs that he was pulling a scam for a greencard, and she herself stated that she's in an "unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage". It now looks to me like the issue is more about possible infidelity than a marriage scam. Oh well, good luck to you all.

I am Nigerian, so clearly I know that not ALL the people in my country are scammers... and I never said such.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Curve

[His Glory 25]

@curve

I am really shocked at your assumptions in this case. There is poverty in the 3rd world country but you still have decent people inhabiting those places. You can't just say things like " I guarantee he's in for the citizenship". You are not in any position to do that. Now that all your assumptions have fallen flat will you atleast have the decency to retract your statement? She has a major issue with her SO and the best we all can do is offer her our prayers and "good" piece of advice.Lets not superimpose what "our" friends are doing or even going through on another family. You sound like somebody who may not believe in a second chance and that's too bad.

@MA036

I am happy you have decided to have a heart to heart talk with your huby and i pray you guys work things out.i want you to remember that

When you exchanged vows, you promised your spouse that you would stay with him "until death do you part." So what happened to get you to the point that you are considering divorce? If you can remember what made you fall in love in the first place, you can learn how to save your marriage.

Schedule some time together. Turn off your cell phones, your television and your instant messenger. Now sit down together and really listen to each other. Share your feelings with your spouse and listen to him share his feelings as well.

Make time to be intimate with your spouse.

Taking the time to send your spouse a little reminder that you love him can really help you reconnect. Plus, emphasizing your significant other's best qualities can remind you what made you fall in love in the first place.

Make your spouse your number one priority. With work and kids demanding your constant attention, it's easy to ignore the other adult in your life. But someday it will once again just be the two of you, and you are going to find that you no longer truly know the person sleeping beside you. Take a moment each day for your spouse and let him know you're thinking about him throughout the day.

Plan a date night. Many couples get so comfortable with each other after being married for several years that they stop dressing up for each other and going out on dates. You can re-energize your relationship with your spouse by planning a night out once a week when you have no choice but to dress your best.

Strive to eat at least one meal together a day.

Plan a trip together without the kids.

Don't use the word "divorce" every time you have a fight.

Don't use the children as an excuse to avoid each other

Do something for yourself. If you're feeling self-conscious about your body, you're probably going to REFLECT that onto your spouse. Create an exercise program to help you lose weight and eat a balanced diet. Buy yourself a new outfit for date night, or spend a day at the spa. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself.

Deciding if your marriage is worth saving depends on personal growth, fulfillment of dreams and your opinion of your partner's character. I wish you guys Gods guidance.

but do you have an opinion sam? LOLOL Knowing mao and her hubby as i do...i know she has done all this u recommended and more and obviously he was a pririority to her or else he woulnt be here...she has sacrificed much for this marriage. And like it or not some do use others in shocking ways to get by in life...not saying that is the complete case here cause i belive my bro loves my friend if u knew her yd love her too. shes a great person...yeah shes a habenero sometimes but he aint a walk in the park either to say the least. many peeps have trouble in marriage. bible guarantees it will happen...but that doesnt mean that the innocent mate hasnt fulfilled their role. sometimes people just do stupid things and some people continue to do stupid things over and over again. She married him with a clear view of her vows and has not broken them up till now...but there are two way that Jesus is very clear on when it comes to the allowance of dissolution of marriage. barring the death of her husband (at the hands of her friend efia flying up there to do a drive by on him LOLOL kidding :/)....she is still free to leave OR free to stay with no spiritual guilt on her part because of the infidelity. thank you for the spirit in which you give the advice....but having done all that before this...what does she do now? what if the love she has was based on a lie? shall she go back and rememinsce on a lie to find out why she fell in love with him? what a bitter pill.the only reason this woman is suffering is because she is a Christian. A Christian trying to do the right thing but struggling with anger and hurt. If this marriage does survive it will be only because he repents and turns into the man he represented himself to be. First to God then to her.

[MAO36 30]

@ MAO36... I apologize for making assumptions.

@ Rhoda_Sam I definitely retract my assumptions. I'm impressed that he takes care of her children, especially since/if they are not his. I made the assumptions because this thread is about the warning signs she saw about her husband - ie signs that he was pulling a scam for a greencard, and she herself stated that she's in an "unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage". It now looks to me like the issue is more about possible infidelity than a marriage scam. Oh well, good luck to you all.

I am Nigerian, so clearly I know that not ALL the people in my country are scammers... and I never said such.

Hello Curve!

No need to apologize you were only providing your insight. I was only trying to say he has the 10 yr greencard in the bag and didn't feel he would feel the need to continue on the greencard path at this point since he is done with immigration. Yes, I did say the marriage was loveless in my opinion of what love should be by american standards, unusual again by american standards and deceitful, yes he has proven to be a liar by all standards. America is his now so there would be no point in staying for immigration reasons right now. He does love the children, this is very true, but sometimes he becomes frustrated because he never had any of his own. Please continue chiming in. I'm not offended and I am still not 100% convinced I wasn't taking for a ride. Thank you again. @Sam.... be nice lol! ......Curve, Sam has spoken to me the same way he does with you so please don't take offense. He told me I sound like I can be very difficult. LOL..... It's all love on VJ!

[MAO36 30]

but do you have an opinion sam? LOLOL Knowing mao and her hubby as i do...i know she has done all this u recommended and more and obviously he was a pririority to her or else he woulnt be here...she has sacrificed much for this marriage. And like it or not some do use others in shocking ways to get by in life...not saying that is the complete case here cause i belive my bro loves my friend if u knew her yd love her too. shes a great person...yeah shes a habenero sometimes but he aint a walk in the park either to say the least. many peeps have trouble in marriage. bible guarantees it will happen...but that doesnt mean that the innocent mate hasnt fulfilled their role. sometimes people just do stupid things and some people continue to do stupid things over and over again. She married him with a clear view of her vows and has not broken them up till now...but there are two way that Jesus is very clear on when it comes to the allowance of dissolution of marriage. barring the death of her husband (at the hands of her friend efia flying up there to do a drive by on him LOLOL kidding :/)....she is still free to leave OR free to stay with no spiritual guilt on her part because of the infidelity. thank you for the spirit in which you give the advice....but having done all that before this...what does she do now? what if the love she has was based on a lie? shall she go back and rememinsce on a lie to find out why she fell in love with him? what a bitter pill.the only reason this woman is suffering is because she is a Christian. A Christian trying to do the right thing but struggling with anger and hurt. If this marriage does survive it will be only because he repents and turns into the man he represented himself to be. First to God then to her.

Would I expect anything else from Efiado! The things I have done wrong were 1) I was not able to control my tongue and my temper, 2) I hate cooking. If those 2 issues will cause a man to run to another woman's arms, then I am guilty as charged!

[MAO36 30]

@curve

I am really shocked at your assumptions in this case. There is poverty in the 3rd world country but you still have decent people inhabiting those places. You can't just say things like " I guarantee he's in for the citizenship". You are not in any position to do that. Now that all your assumptions have fallen flat will you atleast have the decency to retract your statement? She has a major issue with her SO and the best we all can do is offer her our prayers and "good" piece of advice.Lets not superimpose what "our" friends are doing or even going through on another family. You sound like somebody who may not believe in a second chance and that's too bad.

@MA036

I am happy you have decided to have a heart to heart talk with your huby and i pray you guys work things out.i want you to remember that

When you exchanged vows, you promised your spouse that you would stay with him "until death do you part." So what happened to get you to the point that you are considering divorce? If you can remember what made you fall in love in the first place, you can learn how to save your marriage.

Schedule some time together. Turn off your cell phones, your television and your instant messenger. Now sit down together and really listen to each other. Share your feelings with your spouse and listen to him share his feelings as well.

Make time to be intimate with your spouse.

Taking the time to send your spouse a little reminder that you love him can really help you reconnect. Plus, emphasizing your significant other's best qualities can remind you what made you fall in love in the first place.

Make your spouse your number one priority. With work and kids demanding your constant attention, it's easy to ignore the other adult in your life. But someday it will once again just be the two of you, and you are going to find that you no longer truly know the person sleeping beside you. Take a moment each day for your spouse and let him know you're thinking about him throughout the day.

Plan a date night. Many couples get so comfortable with each other after being married for several years that they stop dressing up for each other and going out on dates. You can re-energize your relationship with your spouse by planning a night out once a week when you have no choice but to dress your best.

Strive to eat at least one meal together a day.

Plan a trip together without the kids.

Don't use the word "divorce" every time you have a fight.

Don't use the children as an excuse to avoid each other

Do something for yourself. If you're feeling self-conscious about your body, you're probably going to REFLECT that onto your spouse. Create an exercise program to help you lose weight and eat a balanced diet. Buy yourself a new outfit for date night, or spend a day at the spa. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself.

Deciding if your marriage is worth saving depends on personal growth, fulfillment of dreams and your opinion of your partner's character. I wish you guys Gods guidance.

SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are indeed amazing. You have made someone a very lucky woman!. Wow! I am very guilty of not doing at least 90% of those things. It has been all about the children but I had to be there for them as they adjusted to their new stepdad. It has been the kids and me for so long, I found it hard to love a man the way I love my kids but I understand where you're coming from.

Date night!!! I often thought about that but was always too tired after working so hard and then cooking dinner, whenever I did cook.

Using the word divorce! Hmmmm, I mostly just advise him to get out, which is what he always said he hated the most. He would say, why do you always want to throw me out on the street.

Plan a trip without the kids. Yeah, this is good also, we took 2 trips without the kids within the last 3 years and it was amazing. We had SO much fun, laughing and acting crazy. He's african with an American twist to him. lol

Ok, so you are calling my fat????? lol, Really, I'm just kidding! You know looking back at some of my friends who have been married for many, many years. The wives are drop dead gorgeous because they work at it. My dearest friend would often tell me that she had to keep her figure up to par, 1) for her health and 2) to keep the fire burning in the bedroom with her husband. Ok... I'm a SLACKER!!! I am so guilty of not doing this. Hubby keeps asking me why do I eat so much ice cream and then cry about not fitting anything, lol!. Don't get me wrong... I'm big... but attractive I think...but Hubby but has expressed concern over the weight. The funny thing is he has never insulted my verbally about it or looked upon me with disgust. I do need to hit the gym, so again I understand where you are coming from. We do eat togther sometimes. He often makes mine and his food separately because he prefers african soup etc. So he makes it for me and serves me! Now I could get use to that!

NOW SAM, Where is Hubby's list?

[His Glory 25]

SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are indeed amazing. You have made someone a very lucky woman!. Wow! I am very guilty of not doing at least 90% of those things. It has been all about the children but I had to be there for them as they adjusted to their new stepdad. It has been the kids and me for so long, I found it hard to love a man the way I love my kids but I understand where you're coming from.

Date night!!! I often thought about that but was always too tired after working so hard and then cooking dinner, whenever I did cook.

Using the word divorce! Hmmmm, I mostly just advise him to get out, which is what he always said he hated the most. He would say, why do you always want to throw me out on the street.

Plan a trip without the kids. Yeah, this is good also, we took 2 trips without the kids within the last 3 years and it was amazing. We had SO much fun, laughing and acting crazy. He's african with an American twist to him. lol

Ok, so you are calling my fat????? lol, Really, I'm just kidding! You know looking back at some of my friends who have been married for many, many years. The wives are drop dead gorgeous because they work at it. My dearest friend would often tell me that she had to keep her figure up to par, 1) for her health and 2) to keep the fire burning in the bedroom with her husband. Ok... I'm a SLACKER!!! I am so guilty of not doing this. Hubby keeps asking me why do I eat so much ice cream and then cry about not fitting anything, lol!. Don't get me wrong... I'm big... but attractive I think...but Hubby but has expressed concern over the weight. The funny thing is he has never insulted my verbally about it or looked upon me with disgust. I do need to hit the gym, so again I understand where you are coming from. We do eat togther sometimes. He often makes mine and his food separately because he prefers african soup etc. So he makes it for me and serves me! Now I could get use to that!

NOW SAM, Where is Hubby's list?

Ok then never mind Mao LOL i guess i dont know u guys. I retract everything i said except ill stand by you.

[S_R 148]

but do you have an opinion sam? LOLOL Knowing mao and her hubby as i do...i know she has done all this u recommended and more and obviously he was a pririority to her or else he woulnt be here...she has sacrificed much for this marriage. And like it or not some do use others in shocking ways to get by in life...not saying that is the complete case here cause i belive my bro loves my friend if u knew her yd love her too. shes a great person...yeah shes a habenero sometimes but he aint a walk in the park either to say the least. many peeps have trouble in marriage. bible guarantees it will happen...but that doesnt mean that the innocent mate hasnt fulfilled their role. sometimes people just do stupid things and some people continue to do stupid things over and over again. She married him with a clear view of her vows and has not broken them up till now...but there are two way that Jesus is very clear on when it comes to the allowance of dissolution of marriage. barring the death of her husband (at the hands of her friend efia flying up there to do a drive by on him LOLOL kidding :/)....she is still free to leave OR free to stay with no spiritual guilt on her part because of the infidelity. thank you for the spirit in which you give the advice....but having done all that before this...what does she do now? what if the love she has was based on a lie? shall she go back and rememinsce on a lie to find out why she fell in love with him? what a bitter pill.the only reason this woman is suffering is because she is a Christian. A Christian trying to do the right thing but struggling with anger and hurt. If this marriage does survive it will be only because he repents and turns into the man he represented himself to be. First to God then to her.

@efiaodo,

I am happy you have also retracted your comments...lol

We can never really know the inner workings of any marriage because we are not part and parcel of it. The best we can do is provide prayers and hope for the best for the individuals involved. Nobody wants my opinion trust me because it will get me kicked off this site...lol

[S_R 148]

@efiaodo,

I am happy you have also retracted your comments...lol

We can never really know the inner workings of any marriage because we are not part and parcel of it. The best we can do is provide prayers and hope for the best for the individuals involved. Nobody wants my opinion trust me because it will get me kicked off this site...lol

I'll try to give some hints as to why some men do what they do later to today. Only if MAO36 and efiaodo are still interested...lol

[4theloveofhenry 8]

SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are indeed amazing. You have made someone a very lucky woman!. Wow! I am very guilty of not doing at least 90% of those things. It has been all about the children but I had to be there for them as they adjusted to their new stepdad. It has been the kids and me for so long, I found it hard to love a man the way I love my kids but I understand where you're coming from.

Date night!!! I often thought about that but was always too tired after working so hard and then cooking dinner, whenever I did cook.

Using the word divorce! Hmmmm, I mostly just advise him to get out, which is what he always said he hated the most. He would say, why do you always want to throw me out on the street.

Plan a trip without the kids. Yeah, this is good also, we took 2 trips without the kids within the last 3 years and it was amazing. We had SO much fun, laughing and acting crazy. He's african with an American twist to him. lol

Ok, so you are calling my fat????? lol, Really, I'm just kidding! You know looking back at some of my friends who have been married for many, many years. The wives are drop dead gorgeous because they work at it. My dearest friend would often tell me that she had to keep her figure up to par, 1) for her health and 2) to keep the fire burning in the bedroom with her husband. Ok... I'm a SLACKER!!! I am so guilty of not doing this. Hubby keeps asking me why do I eat so much ice cream and then cry about not fitting anything, lol!. Don't get me wrong... I'm big... but attractive I think...but Hubby but has expressed concern over the weight. The funny thing is he has never insulted my verbally about it or looked upon me with disgust. I do need to hit the gym, so again I understand where you are coming from. We do eat togther sometimes. He often makes mine and his food separately because he prefers african soup etc. So he makes it for me and serves me! Now I could get use to that!

NOW SAM, Where is Hubby's list?

MAO I also love SAMS comments, where was he when we needed him early on LOL. Your situation is sooo like mine it is not funny at all. I had two children before my husband and our duaghter was born without him here. When he finally got here she was 3. Girl I made so many mistakes with the kids issue. Everything was the kids. I got mad at him about the way he did with the kids even though he was trying his best. It is true we have to help them adjust but man, if I think about all the mistakes I made in that area. I did cook but when I would get mad I would throw his food in the sink. Oh my ! I was Wifezilla.

Even your husband sounds so much like mine. He is also Naija with an American twist and I love it. We too have a lot of fun together and act crazy. Sometimes he acts crazier than me and embarresses me lol.

Girl I am sooooo roooting for you its crazy . I know the road will be a winding one and it wont all be all right today but I cannot wait to hear the update and hear how wonderful things are going. Then when you get to that point we will have to plan a cruise or small carribean vacation as couples and go have fun. You and your husband sound soo much like my husband and I that I think it would be great fun.

And not only that, when things are going better you will also have not only your husband but also your spiritual brother by your side and there is nothing that can compare to that! Agape sis