Sharing some red flags

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

People here say stay and others say go. No one here knows the whole story so you have a hard decision in front of you. Personally I have little forgiveness for a stranger that shows this is the kind of things adults to together. The fact he has stuck his ####### in another woman would make me leery of every letting him near me again. You know of the woman you caught but there may be others. A man that can't keep his body in control this early in a marriage is not apt to be able to control him body parts any better a few years down the road. Some women think they need to stick it out. IF it doesn't make YOU better then there is little reason to stay. The manpool gets smaller as you age and living years in distrust is aging both physically and emotionally. No one should make excuses for infidelity. There is none. He broke his vows to you either because he doesn't care or is morally bankrupt.

[MAO36 30]

People here say stay and others say go. No one here knows the whole story so you have a hard decision in front of you. Personally I have little forgiveness for a stranger that shows this is the kind of things adults to together. The fact he has stuck his ####### in another woman would make me leery of every letting him near me again. You know of the woman you caught but there may be others. A man that can't keep his body in control this early in a marriage is not apt to be able to control him body parts any better a few years down the road. Some women think they need to stick it out. IF it doesn't make YOU better then there is little reason to stay. The manpool gets smaller as you age and living years in distrust is aging both physically and emotionally. No one should make excuses for infidelity. There is none. He broke his vows to you either because he doesn't care or is morally bankrupt.

Nigeriaorbust!

Thank you so much for keeping it real. You have laid your cards right out on the table and I respect that! I appreciate your candidness!

[MAO36 30]

Mao: My heart is going out to you right now. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My failed marriage ended much this way. When I was 7 months pregnant with our second child I found he was having an affair. I was completely and utterly devastated. I hated him so bad. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve such a thing. Just like you I had no idea what to do. Because I was pregnant I gave him a second chance. I became obsessed with being the perfect wife & making sure he never had any reason to do that to me again. The whole thing had a very serious impact on my self esteem and spirit. I have lost a child before & I promise you the pain was much the same. Fast forward 2 years and I find that it is happening again. At that point I knew I had to be done with the relationship for my own sanity. The problem was not me it was him. Some people are just selfish. They can not put others above themselves. Once I made the final decision I felt so free. Thank God since that day my life has continued to get better in every way. I am now blessed with a loving faithful man.

Having read this it may shock you to know that I feel you need to give this man a second chance. However you need to have very strong conditions attached to it. I think that this man really does love you. And if you feel that there is any potential that he could change and be faithful I think you need to make an effort. I would make a list of what you would have to have from him in order to attempt to reconcile; things like complete transparency. No locked phones, no late work meetings, you must have all passwords, etc... If he loves you he will make sure that you feel safe in your marriage as you start to rebuild it. The faith that you share is what can get you through this time. Continue to work on your own issues that you stated before, keep praying, and let God fix him. If God shows you a very clear sign that you need to move on then do it, until then keep trying. My prayers are with you & remember even if you did some things that were not right,this is not your fault. No one deserves the betrayal of infidelity.

Jenkatx!

Thanks so much for your post! I totally understand your rationale! This really sucks! you are right though that i could forgive him but then I run a HUGE risk of this man doing this again. Only, oh only if I could prove this was an isolated incident. I just can't prove that and with all the other tall tale signs, there probably were other women, I just don't know. I understand your thoughts when you say I should give him another chance. I may live my life thinking maybe I should have given him a second chance. I can't without laying down the law, but again laying down the law, does that mean I would be considered controlling? Passwords, unlock phones, verifiable whereabouts it would have to be. Then I think, wouldn't this make a man go crazy? You are right though, I would have to be firm about what would be expected. Arrgghh, I don't trust this man as far as I could throw him. I am praying hard and long about this.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so on the fence right now.

[MAO36 30]

Mao

I have been keeping up with this thread, and hoping all turn out good. Your post has left me dumpfounded.

In relationship we unconciously keepclose tabs on how well our partners are meeting our emotional needs.I honestly think its time for both of you to analyze your emotional bank accounts( Love Bank).

When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. I think its time MAO critically analyze the situation - think through with both your head and heart and choose a path that best suits you.

If its a path towards forgiveness - Both of you MUST build on INTIMACY, go back the basics of love. You will only obtain that feeling when your spouse has deposited enough love units into his or her account in your Love Bank to trigger that reaction. As you care and protect each other, trust will build again. This path is tough and for trust to build CHANGE in behaviour must occur in both of you.

If you decide to walk away, we would understand because no one deserves the betrayal of infidelity.

I would also like to recommend this books -

1. Total Forgiveness by R.T. kendall
2. The 5 love Needs of men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg

Shefellfromheaven!

Thank you for your input! I will look for those books this weekend as well. If only I could honestly feel that he was truly in love with me from the beginning or was it the greencard? was it the ticket out of poverty? When he was in africa waiting to come over, he called everyday, he told me how much he loved me and how he would be the man of the house, the man of my dreams, the man I deserved but instead he has lied so much. What happened to all those sweet tender words, those love emails filled with expressions of fire and desire? Yes he fell in love but it wasn't with me it was with America. He told me that he is so, so so sorry for what he did and that he wants me to please forgive him. Someone mentioned that his actions will reveal the truth. That is all I have to go on right now becasue those words are pointless without the actions to back them up. He is free to go right now. He has no attachments really, but he says he wants to work it out. I need to read those books and go into seclusion to some degree to sort things out.

Thank you for the great advice!

[jenkatx 52]

I stayed on the fence for 8 LONG months. And yes there were other women I found out about. 8 over a 7 year period. But I am not a quitter, and I felt I had to try everything in my ability to make my relationship work. I also live my life by will I have regrets...One thing that helped me was making lists, positives of staying vs. negs; what he would have to do to make me feel safe in our relationship if I stayed. And who cares if you look controlling; he screwed up HUGE. If he is not willing to let you have enough control to make you know tha the is not doing it again then that will show you he doesn't love you enough.

I think though that you have already made up your mind. I am fairly sure that you feel you can't stay with him. If that is so then just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes we feel we have to save face in front of our family & friends, sometimes we are scared to get hurt again. Just make sure you reasoning is that you no longer love him & never can. God bless you & keep praying, He will tell you what you are to do if He hasn't already.

[MAO36 30]

Forgive this man & "genuinely" reconcile with him unless you have other reasons to move on. A guy that kept his cool even after you called him names in a country he had nobody to call a friend...don't throw away the baby with the bath water. At least let it be on record that you forgave and he just couldn't change. I think you can be very difficult when you want to and also very loving. I feel you have a man who avoids confrontation with you in every way he can and this may have landed him in this mess. There is still hope for you guys.

Sam! Do you know me? you have described me to a tee. I can be borderline psychotic but it's only when you play me. I promise you I just don't wake up and start fliiping out because I hate life. IMy friends will tell you I am a ride or die friend to the end. I have your back whenever you need me and want nothing back in return. What ignites my fire is when you take me for granted. When you know you are up to no good but you find a way to justify your wrongdoings. I really hate that. No, I don't have any other reason not to take him back. He needs to show me unconditionally that he wants me back for all the right reasons. he needs to assume his position as the head. How can you be respected when eveything is built on lies? you expect me to be this magnificent women when I'm getting the worst of you. I do love him and I wish things could be wonderful but I'm afraid. Afraid to waste anymore of my precious time. You are right he does avoid confrontations with me? Is it because he knows he's wrong? At some point mature adults have to sit down and discuss matters, whether we want to or not. Noone should feel marriage is a piece of cake, please don't think that, it's hard work. If he loves me then he has to get himself together for all the right reasons, show a repentant heart and give up those gross sins he committed. I welcome your feedback and don't feel like you have to hold anything back. I'm a big girl and take take the heat.

Thanks again!

[MAO36 30]

Interesting observation Sam. I havent been able to bring myself to write anything mao. Everything i have to say i express to u personally. but this is heartbreaking. but again I take my cue from u. Ill stand by yr stand whichever direction u choose and as long as u do all with mercy and no retaliation in mind u have Jehovahs backing too. but i think also...that no one can condemn u for any anger u may be feeling. Im sure God understands..just dont go popping any tires and keying his car , yll be a'ite:D

Efiado!

Everyone, this is the person who knows me and my husband. She has spoken to him on the phone on many occasions and she knows the most about how my husband and I interact. We talk on the phone almost everyday. Believe it or not, based on her dealings with us she always feels that he loves me. Efiado has heard my side and has heard his side many of nights and she concluded that there is love there. I'm not sure how you feel now Sis, but you have told me no matter what I decide that you will support my decisions. Thanks for sitting on the phone with me until 2am while I fill your ears with issues, knowing you have your own. Efiado actually likes my husband, she may not now but she did.

[MAO36 30]

Apart from bible guidance I have read about the love bank and depositing love units. It is a very nice concept that really gives married couples some tools to use to repair and maintain a happy marriage. I hope things will work out for you MAO I am rooting for you wichever way you choose!

Thank you Dee, it's ironic that I was just telling my Husband about you last week or so and explaining how you forgave yor husband for his infidelities and you both are working hard at restoring your marraige. No wonder he seemed so intrigued. I also remember asking him some weeks ago if he would forgive me if I cheated twice? He looked down and said, yes, maybe. I thought it was peculiar but now it makese sense. He knew that he would be the one needing forgiveness. I'm glad you have heard about the love bank book. Thanks for the feedback.

You inspire me.

[MAO36 30]

I stayed on the fence for 8 LONG months. And yes there were other women I found out about. 8 over a 7 year period. But I am not a quitter, and I felt I had to try everything in my ability to make my relationship work. I also live my life by will I have regrets...One thing that helped me was making lists, positives of staying vs. negs; what he would have to do to make me feel safe in our relationship if I stayed. And who cares if you look controlling; he screwed up HUGE. If he is not willing to let you have enough control to make you know tha the is not doing it again then that will show you he doesn't love you enough.

I think though that you have already made up your mind. I am fairly sure that you feel you can't stay with him. If that is so then just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes we feel we have to save face in front of our family & friends, sometimes we are scared to get hurt again. Just make sure you reasoning is that you no longer love him & never can. God bless you & keep praying, He will tell you what you are to do if He hasn't already.

You are absolutely right. Why should I care if he feels this is controlling! I need all the passwords, phones need to be laid on the table at night, I need to meet your friends. You are so right, this shouldn't feel like an invasion of privacy but more like married people. Thanks for clearing that right up.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Everyone is right MAO, you do not have to worry about telling this man what you need from him in order to trust him again. I did the same thing. I told my husband that I would have a hard time trusting him, that it would take a long time and he should not be suprised if he sees me checking his phone, or driving past his job lol. It may sound crazy but 4 real these men have broken our trust and THEY have to earn it back. I saw in another post that you thought my husband cheated while we were seperated by countries, that is not the case. He cheated twice while here and had not even been here a whole year. BUT and that is a big BUT, I have told you some of the things that I did, like the abusive speech, but I also have gone off and thrown his clothes out, slapped him, and saidI wish I had never brought you here. Why do you think I can tell you with ALL sincerity of heart I think this man loves you and you should give him another chance. It is becuase when I say I have been in your shoes, I have been in your shoes. I feel like this is a wonderful time to sit down and truly talk about your marriage and what has gone wrong on both ends and truly work hard to make the needed changes TOGETHER. Girl if I had known then what I know now it could have saved me a whole agonizing year.

I feel you on the black woman thing. That was my mistake. Plus not honouring my husband at all. You know we sometimes think having a hot plate and a warm bed will satisfy our men but then we are ready to throw that same plate in their face or put them down for they way they washed the plate or made the bed. We can nag and complain and be controlling but what we are really trying to control is our own insecurity of being hurt. Its a hard cycle to break but we must follow Jehovahs principles of honouring our husbands if we want to not only please Jehovah but also have a happy marriage. Our husbands also must do their part but the reason I talk to us ladies more is becuase we have a bad habit. And here is that bad habit....

We always think it is our husbands job to be a perfect husband. Have no flaws, ALWAYS be considerate of our feeling, ALWAYS think to buy us the nice gifts, NEVER forget an anniversary, ALWAYS be a perfect man mom and know exactly the right way to raise our children, ALWAYS have the sense to never make the wrong decision for the family. ALWAYS BE PERFECT and when they are not MR PERFECT to us we have our girlfriends with their advice. GIRL LEAVE HIM, GIRL HE A DOG, GIRL THATS A TRIP, GIRL HE JUST USING YOU, GIRL HE IS STUPID, GIRL YOU CAN FIND YOU SOMEONE BETTER, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, GIRL. But the truth is we want people to overlook our imperfections and mistakes but we dont do the same for our husbands. And then we have our girlfriends, well meaning friends, that tell us to walk away and dont be a fool, while they make the same mistakes in their own relationships. My husband once told me, "when you leave and walk away where are these same friends going to be when you are alone?" Yes they can call and say "we did the right thing" and "dont let no man play you" but truly where will they be when we have to clean up the pieces of our broken marriages? They mean well, I have meant well when i have said that to my girlfriends, but we have to realize that no human is perfect. Satan preys on the one at their weakest point and at the moment it was our husbands but it could have just as easily been you , me, or someone else.

Jehovah told husbands to assign honour to women as the weaker vessel but he also strongly admonished wives to have deep respect for their husbands. A woman clings to love like a man clings to respect. We may love our husbands but if we are saying and doing things to treat him disdain then we are not showing him ANY respect and therer is that scripture I believe is in proverbs about how the tongue can be like a sword.

Yes our husbands cheated but what have we done as well. If they had cheated when things were great then I could say with all my heart "let em go" but under our circumstances I could not say that. I can not with a whole heart look you in the eye and say leave this man. He may have been intrigued about the story becuase "he loves you". I really feel he loves you. We have to ask ourselves, if our husband put us through some of the verbal and maybe physical asualts that we have, what would our girlfriends have told us to do? LEAVE. But we have done that to our husbands and we expect them to take it like men all the while loving us and enduring the pain for love. Men do have hearts too even though we like to think they dont lol. Michelle I always say we becuase I have been with you figurativly. I have been with you, and hearing your story is like replaying mine all over again.

If you can stand it without dying inside, please give this man another chance. Dont let pride, or fear, or hurt stop you from repairing a marriage that I believe can be repaired. I dont think this man used you. I think this man loved you like he did in Naija becuase he could. He was home, he was surrounded by his support group, friends, family, brothers and sister he knew all his life. He had his own money and the ability to show you the man he was. But when he came here he was under someone elses control. Had no money of his own, no dignity, and no support system. When I lived in Naija I withdrew. I was depressed and I can tell you I did not want to do anything. I didnt want to partake in socializing and when I saw fellow Americans I became so excited thats who I wanted to be with. I didnt want to cook, clean, do anything besides talk to my family on the phone. Did I use my husband to get to Naija LOL. I am just trying to bring a smile to your face. But seriously, please give him another chance. Give yourseleves another chance. Really put in place that deep repsect and let him show you the honour that comes with it. Doesnt mean things will be perfect. Doesnt mean he will do everything right. Doesnt mean you will do everything right. But keeping that tongue in check and letting this man run things even if he makes mistakes will bring a happy marriage. Jehovah says it Girl so it must be true. I didnt want to believe it and at first I had to saw my tongue in half with my teeth to shut up and let him run things. Even still I have had times that i have had to deeply apologize for somthing I have said but you know what? it is paying off. My husband is a changing man who actually asks me now what do I want to do. He asks becuase I am not constantly telling him lol. The other day in the store I put two garbage cans in the cart and I was just spending away, but then i stopped and asked myself if this was his money how would I feel, how do i feel when he just goes and buys somthing I think is stupid? I go off. So I stopped and asked him what he thought about me buying them. He said "baby i dont think we need them" when I said ok and put them back he got sooo worried and said "baby, your not mad are you? if you want the cans thats ok, get them" I said no, thats ok and put them back. I am not bragging at ALL, just sharing how making the changes really does benefit the marriage but really benefits us. Its nice when my husband compliments me now. He had stopped and didnt want to be around me but now its getting to be like it was when we first met. He tells me I am his everything now and his life. Michelle your husband will tell you and show you those things again! HE WILL, I HAVE FAITH. Forgive him and allow him to forgive you and you guys will make it. YOU WILL.

Love to my bro and sis, DEE

[shefellfromheaven 18]

Take your time!

When sorrows asail you or terrors draw nigh,

God's love will never fail you, He will guide you with His eye

And when when you are fainting and ready to fail,

He will give what is lacking and make you prevail. - Anon

Shefellfromheaven!

Thank you for your input! I will look for those books this weekend as well. If only I could honestly feel that he was truly in love with me from the beginning or was it the greencard? was it the ticket out of poverty? When he was in africa waiting to come over, he called everyday, he told me how much he loved me and how he would be the man of the house, the man of my dreams, the man I deserved but instead he has lied so much. What happened to all those sweet tender words, those love emails filled with expressions of fire and desire? Yes he fell in love but it wasn't with me it was with America. He told me that he is so, so so sorry for what he did and that he wants me to please forgive him. Someone mentioned that his actions will reveal the truth. That is all I have to go on right now becasue those words are pointless without the actions to back them up. He is free to go right now. He has no attachments really, but he says he wants to work it out. I need to read those books and go into seclusion to some degree to sort things out.

Thank you for the great advice!

Edited May 19, 2011 by shefellfromheaven

[His Glory 25]

Efiado!

Everyone, this is the person who knows me and my husband. She has spoken to him on the phone on many occasions and she knows the most about how my husband and I interact. We talk on the phone almost everyday. Believe it or not, based on her dealings with us she always feels that he loves me. Efiado has heard my side and has heard his side many of nights and she concluded that there is love there. I'm not sure how you feel now Sis, but you have told me no matter what I decide that you will support my decisions. Thanks for sitting on the phone with me until 2am while I fill your ears with issues, knowing you have your own. Efiado actually likes my husband, she may not now but she did.

Mao, the thing is...if he didnt do this to YOU my friend...I would in all honesty talking to him and supporting the counsel the elders are giving him becauase of that love i have my brother and the heart I saw that he had...remember when he heard of my story how he felt really bad for me? Altho It baffles me how he doesnt reconcile what he heard of my issue with what hes done to u. but because you are my friend and sister and having been in your shoes I cant emotionaly detach myself from the outrage and injustice. there are two sides to every story but sometimes u lose by default...for instance...when yr driving without a licence and altho being the victim of another drivers carelessnes...once the cop knows yr not licenced...its yr fault cause u shouldnt have been on the road in the first place..u are not the spiritual head of that family...u dont bear the full burdon of this infidelity he does...he is held accountable as Adam was for his mistake...altho eve instigated it and althou adam and eve both suffered...it was Adam who was held accountable for all the worlds descent into futility.."thru ONE MAN sinned into the world." Having said that i feel so bad for your husband that he is such an idiot! I love my brother still...cause i know the good he could have chosen to do and if he prayed for the strentght and relied on God he would have taken reign of his family and become a pillar in the congregation..and he would have made my friend and sister happy and she would have inturn made him happy....but alas. smh...another one bites the dust...this men dont relize they disappoint not only the wife and family but cause many to be disheartened and add to the overwhelming distress that we feel everday in this worlds downworld spiral. If I could talk to him I would tell him to really rely and draw close to Jehovah and understand why this is very wrong..where did it start..even if back to lagos with the other foolish doubled life friends that covered for eachother while growing up...and man up and take responsibility....there is a saying i love..."a man can fall many times but is not a failure until he blames someone else for pushing him" I would tell him to make the steps to set his path straight and remind him of the reward for doing so..not only iwth God but with his beautiful wife who only needs to know u love her with your actions...for her to be inspired to be the woman u want her to be. So many blessing...my brother if u can get it together. Not an easy road ahead if u do...its worth it. Having said that Mao...i know the reality...some people just dont have it in them to b all that they can b. I love u sis...and like I said whatever u choose im here...whether its as two single women hitting the dance floor when i visit woohoo! or joinging my sis AND brother for fun filled dinner out..this is yr life im only along for the ride LOL

[HisWill 0]

@ MOA36

I have read the many recent post and as always do not have the answers. I do want to say that I will be praying with you and for you to hear Jehovah and his instructions on how you should proceed in your life. I notice some postings saying they met the family and shared intimate moments with family and friends etc. Those are still not guarantees as I did the same (7 visits in 2 years brought all my family and friends several times, stayed months). I even have and still maintain a close counseling relationship with our pastor in Ghana and we have counseled before the marriage and by phone after and now. Sometimes, despite the love they have expressed or even feel, they can not overcome what they have learned and is ingrained in their psyche. We can not always blame culture and or religion etc. Just like our own families we have to look a little deeper for red flags within their relationships in their own families. In many of these cases, their families will do any and everything to support their loved ones that are married to foreigners because they themselves share a common goal (we just are not aware what that goal is). Someone here posted how they invest money, time and anything else they can to support the marriage because the end result will benefit the common good of the SO family. I see the red flags, have discussed the red flags with family, friends and pastor and the one common theme is forgiveness. One can forgive but what do you do next when you constantly forgive and the behavior has not changed? In addition, one of the number one means by which anyone can control another is to place the blame on them for causing them to react in the way in which they did. Family members, friends, religious individuals will say ... what did you do to contribute to this circumstance? This is especially true no matter what culture when it comes to woman being cheated on by men. Don't get me wrong, this is a good question but despite your answer one should never forget that everyone is responsible for their own actions and NO ONE can make you do what you do not want to. Read Matthew 18. This is one of the best prescriptions for learning how to forgive and letting go if need be. For we shall forgive 7 times 77 but....there is a process. Faith without Work (on both parts) is Dead !

Edited May 19, 2011 by HisWill

[MrsRowe 2]

I wanted to add somthing to my prior post that I didnt say and I hope you ladies didnt take the wrong way. I am not putting the blame on women here at all, I am only going by prior experiance as to what has worked for me and what didnt.

When I was going through some of the same things with my husband I got mad, angry, and argumentative(which is a natrual reaction). I developed a lack of trust(which is also natrual for us to do). I became suspicious and dramatic and contstantly looked for the proof I needed to ease my mind that he had used me. I would accuse and complain.There were times when I would counter back with words that not only hurt him but hurt me afterwards becuase after the outbursts and verbal attacks I would feel mad at myself for being a person I didnt want to be. Sure he lied about some things, my husband even had an affair twice while we were seperated. I have been through the gambit with this man. Some will say I should have left and maybe that is the case. But I loved my husband. And I believe all of us have a great deal of love for our husbands and that is why their behaviors hurt so deeply. We have also put a lot of time and effort into these marriages which I think unless we have exhaughsted all the efforts on our part to make it right, would be a mistake to throw away.

You see, sometimes the issues at hand may not be as clear cut as we think, and also on top of that sometimes are own actions, while not starting the problem, can add too it.

This does not mean its our fualts and that some of our husbands actions are not totally wrong. In fact its true, everyones actions must be accounted for and there is nothing right about lying,cheating, neglecting, putting friendships or family before your spouse, or not providing adequatly to the best of ones ability as a husband. They are wrong for doing any of those things and will have to account to a higher person for their actions.

I am only saying that fruad may not be the root of the problem. If we assume its due to fruad, we may be shortchanging ourselves and creating a tornado inside thats doing nothing but picking up damaging debris that is destroying our own sanity, trust, love, and inner contentment.

I read in a Watchtower magazine on a different subject once, that a good desicion has examined both sides of the argument first. If I would have simply assumed that my marriage was fruadulant then I would have not ever made some of the changes that contributed to my marrital improvements and I would still be angry and bitter to this day and have extra baggage that I may or may not carry on to someone else. But in making some personal changes to the way I handled our problems, I most importantly helped myself and the improvments in my marriage came with it.

I am in full support of all you ladies on here becuase I know what this whole process is like and what it is like being in a cross culteral marriage.I also know the pain of lies, and neglect. I know the pain very very well. Please NEVER think I am blaming you guys for your husbands actions. I am not! I am just trying to give some advice based on my own experiance in hopes that it will give you some peace of mind and food for thought.

Your post almost brought me to tears as it reminds me so much of me. My husband and i have gone through it all since he has been her and i have found out so many things that bothered me. I didn't have to go searchign for anything, infact, i had no suspicion, he openly admitted them to me because he wanted to come clean some of which were so devastating. I tried but i had lost my trust and so i was sure that he had used me to get here, sure that it was all a mistake, sure that he was planning to leave eventually. I searched, and searched for evidence. Everytime i searched i convinced myself that if i found definte proof that i would surely leave him but i never found any definite proof of anything. I could not, would not send him back home becuase he my daughter's father and she loves him and he adores her. To see them together brings tears to my eyes. The thing is, that distrust showed and it became so bad that every word he said was a lie to me. It affected me, him and most importantly our daughter. I am learning though that if we are going to make th is work, i am going to have to forgive and learn to trust him again. My husband does not go anywhere. He works, he comes home, that is all he does. He is not good at housekeeping but he will cook sometimes. My constant questioning and accusing made him angry sometimes but he never really pushed back and i think it hurt him. I am not saying that what he did was right but my reaction was normal but hurtfull. I take responsibility for that. It takes two to make a marriage work or not work. I am learning that. There were red flags for me but i ignored them mostly because he was not someone i had just met, we grew up together and he was my first love, first boyfriend etc.

[Curve 20]

@ MAO36.... Unfortunately there is so much poverty in 3rd world countries, therefore people do very desperate things. That includes marrying(scamming) people into marriages, even though they are not attracted to them, or love them.

I read about 3 pages of the thread and I was hoping someone would mention this. The reason your husband is not seeking a divorce is not because he sees some future with you. Based on how's he's acting, I guarantee he's in it for the following reasons:

1) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now.

2) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now.

3) Citizenship. He can get it in 3 years, instead of having to wait for 5 if he divorces you now.

I have a friend (south african) who is 28 and married a 47 year old woman. He pretty much scammed her into marriage and says he's not at all attracted to her. I asked him why he won't divorce her, and he said it would be stupid to do so now. If he waits it out, he can get his citizenship in 2 more years. She also cosigned on some school loans for him etc.