Sharing some red flags

[MAO36 30]

Well said my friend. I pray that you and your husband can find a way to repair your marriage and his making extra efforts are an indication that he wants to.

All the posts on this subject have been candid and heartfelt. Through the individual struggles and hardships, the fact each one loves their man is still apparent. Having God in our lives doesn't mean we are perfect, error free. Thank you all for your candid thoughts, feelings, point of views,but most of all for your honesty.

I pray each and everyone finds happiness regardless of the situations you are in. For life is too short and too precious to be wasted wondering about what IFS?

Blessings.

Hello My new found friend!!! How are you??? Thank you so much for your encouragement at all times! Your charming personality is evident by your upbuilding responses. Yes, I agree, we do love our men and if the love is mutual, then these obstacles will only be temporary!

[Linguere 0]

I'm glad that people are sharing these. I used to wince sometimes when seeing pictures or reading stories of couples, knowing that no one wants or will accept hearing that they are possibly being used. I know many, many Africans (this is my circle, but I know everyone does it) who got their papers by using this method. I see it all the time when I am on the continent. Still, I (probably) got scammed myself. I was introduced to the family, spoke the language and met my husband while I was in his country. He is well-traveled internationally and very well known in his country. He started fbing and myspacing women probably the minute he got here. I saw all kinds of messages like "i'm here in the US now" (not I joined my beautiful pregnant wife in the states). By the time my child was 8 weeks old (maybe six months after he arrived?) there was a woman in my house (it had been going on for a long time though) and told her happy mother's day for MY child. Apparently, my child has many auntis. He still uses my daughter in this way. When my daughter was 3 months old, he hooked back up with an old stripper girlfriend and they are still together now. I found out before she was a year old and he actually refused to leave. He even thought I would stay married to him and file his papers for him. Can you say sense of entitlement? So, he has filed for his 10 year greencard and I wrote a letter of support for it because my daughter loves the loser. None of us are immune to a ticket to the US and possibly just a free ride in general. Even though my ex lived in Norway for almost a year, he was fully supported by friends and had zero responsiblity his whole life. He was completely shocked and unprepared for how hard people have to work here. He still does not understand that your work responsiblities have to come before your traveling desires (and uh, can you say child support?!). He just lives as he did in Senegal at his parents home. He lived for free in my home (totally against my will) and now he is supported by his stripper. Some of these guys may not even have a US citizen jones, but just want a free ride from anyone...people from the West have what they are looking for.

The red flag about older (especially overweight) women with children, man, that's a serious one that I've seen frequently.

The truth is that no one is immune to this. I have friends who were used here in the U.S. for greencards from men who were from the same country. I have had people tell me that they lived their whole lives trying to get a green card from an American or European. If you go into the cybercafes, they are full of men talking to western women. It is what it is. I wish everyone the best, but you have to know what the reality is so that you are no so shocked if it does happen to be the case.

I wish I hadn't made that particular trip...but I did and it changed my life forever. I'm raising a child completely by myself and my daughter will have a poor example to choose her husband from. She is constantly stressed and distraught asking for and missing her father. If this thread helps even one woman (or man), then it was worth it. I used to see it so often here in the states that I thought nothing of it, but I know that it destroys lives. It destroys trust, sometimes forever. Many of these embassies are "high risk" for a reason. That alone should make these threads worthy and important. They shouldn't be seen as kill joys, but honest and a serious reality. I think most people who are scorned are no longer posting and many are just embarrased.

Best of luck to you all....may you be blessed, whether your visa journey was wonderful or the mistake of your life. Stay strong and know that at least, we have learned a valuable lesson!

Peace.

Hello VJ Family,

I thought maybe I would share some of the red flags, looking back from the time we met and during the immigration process. I truly did not have a whole lot but there were a few that are noteworthy. I also have a couple of friends who went thru the process who shared some red flags they encountered. Again, we are still together and if it's God's will, he will make the necessary changes to have a happy, successful, trustworthy marriage. If he doesn't "OH WELL, SEE YA". Just let me add also, I do not hide anything from my husband. I told him straight up I am trying to forewarn my VJ Sisters who want to listen or who are concerned that they may be being used. I told him he is free to leave at anytime he sees fit and I won't hold it against him. If it means having a peace of mind, rather than being in this unusual, loveless, deceitful marriage, I'd rather be alone & at peace. He really won't leave.... it's very strange but I honestly think it's out of shame to his family. They are very close knit with a stong religious background. My issue is LIARS, I hate liars. The man is a big liar! my mother said if you lie, you will cheat and I believe that. No woman has come forward yet, but i would not be shocked if one did. He's sitting on the couch while I'm typing this. I don't care. I just turned 40 and it's time to "DO ME". Well some of the red flags were

Red flags

1) Saying I love you a couple of days after connecting on the internet. ** Impossible to love someone you know nothing about at that point***

2) Younger man, older woman who's overweight, often with kids . ***This is not the typical family arrangement in the african culture****.

3) Doubts about some of things he tells you. *** Do your homework and verify the things you discuss******

Those my 3 red flags, other than that he had me sold. I have some friends who are going through much worse and some of the men have left. There red flags were

3) On the internet late at night at the internet cafe when their not talking to you. ** Usually means they are chatting with other women***.

4) My good friend said when she got to Ghana (her husband was Ghanian), he did not want to be seen with her in public. He was not romantic and there was a huge disconnection, but he still wanted to marry her. *** What man do you know would marry a woman he is not in love with unless theirs an ulterior motive?****

5) Someone who is inconsiderate of your financial obligations by always requesting money to be wired.

6) Not genuinely interested in your life, your background and your feelings.

7) Has a few shady friends (one of my red flags). ****The kind that you know are up to no good****

I'll let you know if i think of anymore. This is only for those who are interested.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Hello Efiado,

Thanks for your post!! Tell 9ja friend to give us his input! It can only help!

Efiado,

I am all ears to what he has to say. Please tell him we will keep an open mind about his point of view. It is an open discussion and everyone has the freedom and right to say what is on their mind. I can't wait to hear his thoughts.

Thanks.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Please tell him to add his piece! I think that it is important for all sides to be told. Its so easy for us to get lost in ourselves and not recognize that there is another side to this whole mess.

I have to say that this is the first time that we have had a thread on here that addresses red flags in a manner that is respectful of everyone. Sometimes people just like to point fingers and disrespect the experiences of others. I feel like this is finally a place where we can all say what we feel and not be bashed for it.

Wonderfully said Zee Bee. I second that!

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I'm glad that people are sharing these. I used to wince sometimes when seeing pictures or reading stories of couples, knowing that no one wants or will accept hearing that they are possibly being used. I know many, many Africans (this is my circle, but I know everyone does it) who got their papers by using this method. I see it all the time when I am on the continent. Still, I (probably) got scammed myself. I was introduced to the family, spoke the language and met my husband while I was in his country. He is well-traveled internationally and very well known in his country. He started fbing and myspacing women probably the minute he got here. I saw all kinds of messages like "i'm here in the US now" (not I joined my beautiful pregnant wife in the states). By the time my child was 8 weeks old (maybe six months after he arrived?) there was a woman in my house (it had been going on for a long time though) and told her happy mother's day for MY child. Apparently, my child has many auntis. He still uses my daughter in this way. When my daughter was 3 months old, he hooked back up with an old stripper girlfriend and they are still together now. I found out before she was a year old and he actually refused to leave. He even thought I would stay married to him and file his papers for him. Can you say sense of entitlement? So, he has filed for his 10 year greencard and I wrote a letter of support for it because my daughter loves the loser. None of us are immune to a ticket to the US and possibly just a free ride in general. Even though my ex lived in Norway for almost a year, he was fully supported by friends and had zero responsiblity his whole life. He was completely shocked and unprepared for how hard people have to work here. He still does not understand that your work responsiblities have to come before your traveling desires (and uh, can you say child support?!). He just lives as he did in Senegal at his parents home. He lived for free in my home (totally against my will) and now he is supported by his stripper. Some of these guys may not even have a US citizen jones, but just want a free ride from anyone...people from the West have what they are looking for.

The red flag about older (especially overweight) women with children, man, that's a serious one that I've seen frequently.

The truth is that no one is immune to this. I have friends who were used here in the U.S. for greencards from men who were from the same country. I have had people tell me that they lived their whole lives trying to get a green card from an American or European. If you go into the cybercafes, they are full of men talking to western women. It is what it is. I wish everyone the best, but you have to know what the reality is so that you are no so shocked if it does happen to be the case.

I wish I hadn't made that particular trip...but I did and it changed my life forever. I'm raising a child completely by myself and my daughter will have a poor example to choose her husband from. She is constantly stressed and distraught asking for and missing her father. If this thread helps even one woman (or man), then it was worth it. I used to see it so often here in the states that I thought nothing of it, but I know that it destroys lives. It destroys trust, sometimes forever. Many of these embassies are "high risk" for a reason. That alone should make these threads worthy and important. They shouldn't be seen as kill joys, but honest and a serious reality. I think most people who are scorned are no longer posting and many are just embarrased.

Edited May 15, 2011 by LoveNigarmostyle

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I truly sorry for your pain, I appreciate your honestly and input. Sometimes in life we travel roads which can bring a lot of pain to us, but in midst of your hardship a daughter was born. A gift to treasure without any regrets. Each one of us has to face our maker one day, he will have his day!

Your daughter might not have a great example for a father, but she sure has a wonderful roll model as a mother. Give yourself a lot of credit and may you find happiness in your journey of life. God Bless.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Hello My new found friend!!! How are you??? Thank you so much for your encouragement at all times! Your charming personality is evident by your upbuilding responses. Yes, I agree, we do love our men and if the love is mutual, then these obstacles will only be temporary!

I believe God brings us into each other's lives for a reason. Our paths crossed for a purpose, and it is not a coincident. Whatever his reasons may be, God's never wrong. We both have learned from this experience. You were surprised to learn, that I am "white" & where I come from? and how much we can relate to each other, even though we live so far apart. WE are all God's children, he commands us to love one another, it is written in the Bible. I have seen so much love in these replies. NO one is condemning the other,and extending a caring hand or an advice. Only if the rest of the world can communicate like this, or care for one another, then "maybe" no one would need to scam or be scammed to reach one's goals in life or find happiness.

Many blessings, MA036 it has been my pleasure to have met you as well. I am honored to be addressed as "your new found friend"!

[MAO36 30]

I believe God brings us into each other's lives for a reason. Our paths crossed for a purpose, and it is not a coincident. Whatever his reasons may be, God's never wrong. We both have learned from this experience. You were surprised to learn, that I am "white" & where I come from? and how much we can relate to each other, even though we live so far apart. WE are all God's children, he commands us to love one another, it is written in the Bible. I have seen so much love in these replies. NO one is condemning the other,and extending a caring hand or an advice. Only if the rest of the world can communicate like this, or care for one another, then "maybe" no one would need to scam or be scammed to reach one's goals in life or find happiness.

Many blessings, MA036 it has been my pleasure to have met you as well. I am honored to be addressed as "your new found friend"!

Awwww.... what a wonderful post and I share those same thoughts and feelings One thing is certain & that is we all were looking or are looking for true love. If things go sour and you find out his intentions were not genuine, PLEASE know that it was not your fault and there will be better times ahead. At this point in my marriage it is still not 100% clear as to his true intentions. He has been absolutely wonderful for the past week. I've learned that it's too soon to think I'm out of the danger zone or out of the woods. He actually took me out to dinner and a movie last night!I I about thought i was going to hyperventilate from the shock..... lol. Then he was standing by the passenger side of the door to open it for me?? Hmmmm... I asked him why aren't you driviing? He laughed and said, Wow.... you aren't used to a man opening the car door huh? I said no, cuz I'm not. Anyway the night was really good. Told him a few days earlier that I felt sad being married to him because I feel cheated. As an american woman I often dreamt about having an affectionate, romantic and loving husband. I said you were all those things while in africa. I said I used to have your email pw in africa, we shared accounts, I could hold his cell phone without a problem and I felt like I was his woman. I said now I feel like a roomate. Anyway, he was like "this can't be true the way you feel. He said I really love you Mich but it may not be the way you are used to". This is when the blame becomes mine. Hind sight is 20/20. looking on some of the different sites, it explains how african men are not romantic, not all sentimental with flowers, gifts, love notes etc. I don't know why i read that after the fact. Like I mentioned before though, there is a lot of trust and respect to be regained and the ball is in his court. BUT, u know there's always a butt, I will not be disrespected, cheated on or humilated by anyone. If it ever gets to the point where I've lost my self worth, self-esteem and lower my standards beyond belief, it's time to move on. Ladies! You DESERVE the BEST!!! remember that, especially if you're giving your best in return. I know many are waiting for their SO's to arrive and I hope it is everything you always dreamt it would be! I'd ove to hear from those who are ususally shy about posting. It's almost therapeutic to share my married life with a foreigner with those in the same boat.

"

[MAO36 30]

I'm glad that people are sharing these. I used to wince sometimes when seeing pictures or reading stories of couples, knowing that no one wants or will accept hearing that they are possibly being used. I know many, many Africans (this is my circle, but I know everyone does it) who got their papers by using this method. I see it all the time when I am on the continent. Still, I (probably) got scammed myself. I was introduced to the family, spoke the language and met my husband while I was in his country. He is well-traveled internationally and very well known in his country. He started fbing and myspacing women probably the minute he got here. I saw all kinds of messages like "i'm here in the US now" (not I joined my beautiful pregnant wife in the states). By the time my child was 8 weeks old (maybe six months after he arrived?) there was a woman in my house (it had been going on for a long time though) and told her happy mother's day for MY child. Apparently, my child has many auntis. He still uses my daughter in this way. When my daughter was 3 months old, he hooked back up with an old stripper girlfriend and they are still together now. I found out before she was a year old and he actually refused to leave. He even thought I would stay married to him and file his papers for him. Can you say sense of entitlement? So, he has filed for his 10 year greencard and I wrote a letter of support for it because my daughter loves the loser. None of us are immune to a ticket to the US and possibly just a free ride in general. Even though my ex lived in Norway for almost a year, he was fully supported by friends and had zero responsiblity his whole life. He was completely shocked and unprepared for how hard people have to work here. He still does not understand that your work responsiblities have to come before your traveling desires (and uh, can you say child support?!). He just lives as he did in Senegal at his parents home. He lived for free in my home (totally against my will) and now he is supported by his stripper. Some of these guys may not even have a US citizen jones, but just want a free ride from anyone...people from the West have what they are looking for.

The red flag about older (especially overweight) women with children, man, that's a serious one that I've seen frequently.

The truth is that no one is immune to this. I have friends who were used here in the U.S. for greencards from men who were from the same country. I have had people tell me that they lived their whole lives trying to get a green card from an American or European. If you go into the cybercafes, they are full of men talking to western women. It is what it is. I wish everyone the best, but you have to know what the reality is so that you are no so shocked if it does happen to be the case.

I wish I hadn't made that particular trip...but I did and it changed my life forever. I'm raising a child completely by myself and my daughter will have a poor example to choose her husband from. She is constantly stressed and distraught asking for and missing her father. If this thread helps even one woman (or man), then it was worth it. I used to see it so often here in the states that I thought nothing of it, but I know that it destroys lives. It destroys trust, sometimes forever. Many of these embassies are "high risk" for a reason. That alone should make these threads worthy and important. They shouldn't be seen as kill joys, but honest and a serious reality. I think most people who are scorned are no longer posting and many are just embarrased.

Best of luck to you all....may you be blessed, whether your visa journey was wonderful or the mistake of your life. Stay strong and know that at least, we have learned a valuable lesson!

Peace.

Hello Linguere!

Thanks for taking the time to post with your own personal journey and outcome of things! First let me say that I am really disheartened by your experience and know that you are not alone! I really commend you for stepping up to the plate and raising your child in spite of all the injustices you faced. I am raising three children from my 1st marriage and know how rewarding, yet challenging it can be. One thing is certain and that's your daughter is a blessing! Thanks for highlighting the red flags and the background of all of these dating sites and non-dating sites which turn into dating sites. My journey is still going on and I will pray for the best outcome but be prepared mentally for anything, if that's even possible. I do lean heavily on my heavenly father for strength, understanding and wisdom and i would advise anyone to do the same. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment and when it's destroyed by lies & infidelity, it can be devastating! I' m sure you've given us all a lot to think about!

Thank you

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Awwww.... what a wonderful post and I share those same thoughts and feelings One thing is certain & that is we all were looking or are looking for true love. If things go sour and you find out his intentions were not genuine, PLEASE know that it was not your fault and there will be better times ahead. At this point in my marriage it is still not 100% clear as to his true intentions. He has been absolutely wonderful for the past week. I've learned that it's too soon to think I'm out of the danger zone or out of the woods. He actually took me out to dinner and a movie last night!I I about thought i was going to hyperventilate from the shock..... lol. Then he was standing by the passenger side of the door to open it for me?? Hmmmm... I asked him why aren't you driviing? He laughed and said, Wow.... you aren't used to a man opening the car door huh? I said no, cuz I'm not. Anyway the night was really good. Told him a few days earlier that I felt sad being married to him because I feel cheated. As an american woman I often dreamt about having an affectionate, romantic and loving husband. I said you were all those things while in africa. I said I used to have your email pw in africa, we shared accounts, I could hold his cell phone without a problem and I felt like I was his woman. I said now I feel like a roomate. Anyway, he was like "this can't be true the way you feel. He said I really love you Mich but it may not be the way you are used to". This is when the blame becomes mine. Hind sight is 20/20. looking on some of the different sites, it explains how african men are not romantic, not all sentimental with flowers, gifts, love notes etc. I don't know why i read that after the fact. Like I mentioned before though, there is a lot of trust and respect to be regained and the ball is in his court. BUT, u know there's always a butt, I will not be disrespected, cheated on or humilated by anyone. If it ever gets to the point where I've lost my self worth, self-esteem and lower my standards beyond belief, it's time to move on. Ladies! You DESERVE the BEST!!! remember that, especially if you're giving your best in return. I know many are waiting for their SO's to arrive and I hope it is everything you always dreamt it would be! I'd ove to hear from those who are ususally shy about posting. It's almost therapeutic to share my married life with a foreigner with those in the same boat.

Girl you had me balling my eyes out. I can't see because my glasses are all fogged out from the tears. It seems you are on the right track to mending things with your hubby. Give it all you got, but as you said don't compromise yourself. Best of luck dear and I truly wish you all the best.

I am glad you had a wonderful evening.

"

[HurtInTheUS 0]

I just want to thank everyone who has posted to this topic. It even helps to hear about happy endings, because it lets me know that I was not crazy for wanting love. I guess my biggest mistake was expecting it overnight, and via the internet. My trip to Africa to meet my husbands family will be one of the most beautiful times of my life. I will never for it. I was treated like a queen. I think this is the part that hurts so much. How could a family go out of their way to treat someone so good and then have their son turn so quickly into someone I barely sit next to.

I am struggling now with whether I should stay in the marriage. As a black woman, I feel like I have to save face and divorce this man with a vengence. However there are times when I have noticed my husband trying to talk more. Whatever the case may be, I am just praying to God for strength and understaning of HIS outcome.

Again, thanks or posting. Someone in another posted that it is therapeutic. It really is and it helps me think things through. So please! Keep posting.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Do you think he may be extremely homesick and acting out. My husband gets that way ,not wanting to go home and tell people that jobs are all but invisable. He has a garden that seems to ease that a bit. When he is feeling bad he can take it out on the weeds. He also has several tribe mates near by that he talks to .

[Linguere 0]

Thank you so much for those kind words. That is so nice to hear right about now. I just hope that she understands that this is not normal. She is indeed my happiness.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I truly sorry for your pain, I appreciate your honestly and input. Sometimes in life we travel roads which can bring a lot of pain to us, but in midst of your hardship a daughter was born. A gift to treasure without any regrets. Each one of us has to face our maker one day, he will have his day!

Your daughter might not have a great example for a father, but she sure has a wonderful roll model as a mother. Give yourself a lot of credit and may you find happiness in your journey of life. God Bless.

[Linguere 0]

I wish the best for you. Marriage is never easy, but if the marriage is based on love and committment, it is always worth fighting for.

I have seen African families borrow money and have elaborate ceremonies for the western bride, as it is often an investment in the future return ($). I also know that African families will often borrow money and have elaborate ceremonies for real weddings and events as well.

I wish you the best! I hope that your home becomes peaceful!

I just want to thank everyone who has posted to this topic. It even helps to hear about happy endings, because it lets me know that I was not crazy for wanting love. I guess my biggest mistake was expecting it overnight, and via the internet. My trip to Africa to meet my husbands family will be one of the most beautiful times of my life. I will never for it. I was treated like a queen. I think this is the part that hurts so much. How could a family go out of their way to treat someone so good and then have their son turn so quickly into someone I barely sit next to.

I am struggling now with whether I should stay in the marriage. As a black woman, I feel like I have to save face and divorce this man with a vengence. However there are times when I have noticed my husband trying to talk more. Whatever the case may be, I am just praying to God for strength and understaning of HIS outcome.

Again, thanks or posting. Someone in another posted that it is therapeutic. It really is and it helps me think things through. So please! Keep posting.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I just want to thank everyone who has posted to this topic. It even helps to hear about happy endings, because it lets me know that I was not crazy for wanting love. I guess my biggest mistake was expecting it overnight, and via the internet. My trip to Africa to meet my husbands family will be one of the most beautiful times of my life. I will never for it. I was treated like a queen. I think this is the part that hurts so much. How could a family go out of their way to treat someone so good and then have their son turn so quickly into someone I barely sit next to.

I am struggling now with whether I should stay in the marriage. As a black woman, I feel like I have to save face and divorce this man with a vengence. However there are times when I have noticed my husband trying to talk more. Whatever the case may be, I am just praying to God for strength and understaning of HIS outcome.

Again, thanks or posting. Someone in another posted that it is therapeutic. It really is and it helps me think things through. So please! Keep posting.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. This subject has been very therapeutic and helpful to many in VJ, so one hopes and prays that each of us takes its content and soaks it in completely. The good and the bad in each relationship talked about.

I am sorry to hear that your situation is so intense. I will keep you in my constant prayers. Drop a note if you want to talk about anything. God bless and I pray for strength and resolution for you.