Sharing some red flags

[MAO36 30]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts ZEE! They are very much appreciated. Again, all comments, thoughts, input, redflags etc etc are welcome. Congrats on your pregancy! You deserve the best!!!! I'm so happy things have gone well for you Sis!!!!

[MAO36 30]

Oh can't forget my Gurl! 4 the Love of Henry!!! Thank you so much for highlighting some valid points. Whew.... I could see some of my flaws in your post! Thank you for bringing them to light. I'll respond to your PM as well! Thanks for sharing!

[reeses16 8]

I could not have said it better! I totally agree with this post as it is written. I think my husband went buck wild because women here love their accents and that they seem so different that African American men. I had to ask my husband, why did he come all this way to cheat? I have constantly asked who were all the women in his home. He always referred to them as sisters. I thought the embassy checks to see if they are married. I often wonder how could he have gotten through this process and did not disclose he has a wife at home. And if that was his wife, how could she cook and clean for another women? Particularly and American citizen.

Ok,MAO36 I think our husbands are related. The first thing my husband asked was if I planned on posting our troubles on Visa Journey. I said, OH YES! If I can help someone keep from making the same mistake, then my mistakes are not in vain.

The background checks and home visits are only as good as the information they receive. I think as American we are used to everything having a particular process, documentation, and the existence of accurate and easily available records. In many African countries, due to challenges of storing records, many places rely on whatever the applicant tells them. Can you imagine applying for a birth certificate and being able to have an official document with whatever you say? A system like this favors people who wish to abuse it.

In terms of knowing about previous marriages- its similar. Very few places have electronic records, so its not like they're pulling records from computer. Perhaps the marriage may not have been filled with the court/government, perhaps its only tribal what paper trail does that leave for investigation?

My understanding is that the US consulate will do home visits f there are circumstances which flag an application for such a visit. This is not something that is automatically done. Home visits require a lot of staffing, time and money. Imagine how much slower this process would be if EVERYONE had a home visit or how much application fees might increase! Even if they did I'm sure they would still miss some of the scammers- often friends and family are in on the scam as well, and they may be prepared with responses in the case of a home visit. On a side note: I have seen 1 or 2 posts over the year, where it seemed like a male immigrant was fishing for advice about leaving a spouse but remaining in the US. I'm sure scammers are aware of VJ as well...food for thought!

[MAO36 30]

Reeses 16,

Very valuable feedback. You are absolutely right! Thanks so much for sharing! I'm sure it has helped many with understanding the process of backgound checks and what NOT to rely on. We really do have to be proactive and do our own homework! Ask many questions!

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I know of a case where the VJ user was a Nigerian male, first using the account to find the ins and outs of getting good results at the interview and once he got here he start looking for passing "good faith" for removing contitions. ( Immediately on arrival) He even changed accounts when others caught on that he had used the USC. So yes an open system is open to abusers as well. I think the non USC being too in charge of the immigration process might be a red flag. Unless the USC is a complete putz with paperwork the USC should be doing the filing and not pushed through it by the non USC.

[MAO36 30]

@Nigeraorbust......Wow! Now that's over the top! What one would do to get over here! smh.......The sad part is once they get here, they soon realize living in America is not a "walk in the park". Hard work is required to earn a decent living!

Thanks for sharing!

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Thats good info on the subject of the background checks and the home visits. We as women should pay attention to those sort of things becuase as she said, the immigration officers must have some good reason to send someone out for a home visit. This is the government in fact and they have a lot more resources when it comes to investigating and were not talking about some JOEY GRECKO, from cheaters sting operation either. They can find a lot of things out on someone that we could not scratch the surface on.

Also what Mao36 said about many coming here and finding it is no walk in the park is very true. Sure you can make the money but that same money will be gone before that paycheck hits the table. Rent, bills, insurance, food, gas, taxes ect...

Some who come truly for love can still be in shock when they see they have been dissilusioned about the way things are here. Stress and anxiety can really change a persons personality. There is a scripture in the bible that says a persons power will be scanty in the day of distress and there is another one that says to some degree "a person in the middle of a problem will act without sense" Thats not it word for word but that is what it is basically saying.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Agreed and well said. I have said these same things to my fiance over and over again. Being,an immigrant myself, I came here as a young girl from Middle East many years ago. I know the process too well. I have shared that with him over the last few years. I have prepared him for the culture shock, and have reminded him of the fact, when he is here, he will miss everything, even the things he disliked and could not wait to get away from. I shared the facts, yes we work and make money, but the bills are overwhelming and daily responsibilities and expectations are far grater than over there. We have to pay taxes, we have to have auto insurance, cars, homeowner's insurance, so on and so forth. Life is not, a bed of roses here either. On most occasions, it seems more like bed of cactus. LOL

Yes when one is faced with many challenges,and uncertainty, their personality will change, their temper will flair, and their calm nature will be put to test. We, as women should be more reassuring and comforting. I am not saying we should become door mates, or compromise ourselves, where it will cause us to be unhappy. To help them in this initial process maybe we should be their back bone, until they can find themselves and get on their feet. It takes a lot to digest the differences and life style that the USA can offer. I truly have enjoyed the posts on this subject, it has been a mix of many things. I know some might not like the fact it started with RED FLAGS and all but look how much information, advices, input we have generated from it all. Women helping each other, regardless of their own mishaps or obstacles. Only if all men kind can work together as we have been with this subject.

Thanks to everyone's input I have learned a great deal. I appreciate and salute you all. God bless.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

@Nigeraorbust......Wow! Now that's over the top! What one would do to get over here! smh.......The sad part is once they get here, they soon realize living in America is not a "walk in the park". Hard work is required to earn a decent living!

Thanks for sharing!

Live and learn MAO36. WE are all learning from this whole thing. It has been an eye opening experience definitely!

[Naijabound 1]

I know of a case where the VJ user was a Nigerian male, first using the account to find the ins and outs of getting good results at the interview and once he got here he start looking for passing "good faith" for removing contitions. ( Immediately on arrival) He even changed accounts when others caught on that he had used the USC. So yes an open system is open to abusers as well. I think the non USC being too in charge of the immigration process might be a red flag. Unless the USC is a complete putz with paperwork the USC should be doing the filing and not pushed through it by the non USC.

Lol. I know exactly who you are talking about. Most definately he was good at what he does. That same person actually contacted me outside of VJ, we developed what I thought was a good friendship, and he in the end tried to destroy my relationship. And per some older posts on here I dont think I was the only one he tried that with. By the grace of God he did not succeed. He actually had the nerve to send me an email asking me to sign a affidavit for him when he was trying to remove his conditions to get his 10 yr card stating that I knew his relationship with his former wife was legit and that I had known him for four years, when in fact, I knew nothing of his ex-wife (only the lies he told me) and had barely known him for two years. What nerve! Of course, I laughed at the thought of me doing something like that.

But I do agree with others, the posts have offered some good information on both sides. Somethings I have learned from as far as being more patient with my husband, realizing how hard this adjustment is on them. Just because its America, with constant power supply (lol), doesnt mean it is easy for them- especially emotionally.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

I wanted to add somthing to my prior post that I didnt say and I hope you ladies didnt take the wrong way. I am not putting the blame on women here at all, I am only going by prior experiance as to what has worked for me and what didnt.

When I was going through some of the same things with my husband I got mad, angry, and argumentative(which is a natrual reaction). I developed a lack of trust(which is also natrual for us to do). I became suspicious and dramatic and contstantly looked for the proof I needed to ease my mind that he had used me. I would accuse and complain.There were times when I would counter back with words that not only hurt him but hurt me afterwards becuase after the outbursts and verbal attacks I would feel mad at myself for being a person I didnt want to be. Sure he lied about some things, my husband even had an affair twice while we were seperated. I have been through the gambit with this man. Some will say I should have left and maybe that is the case. But I loved my husband. And I believe all of us have a great deal of love for our husbands and that is why their behaviors hurt so deeply. We have also put a lot of time and effort into these marriages which I think unless we have exhaughsted all the efforts on our part to make it right, would be a mistake to throw away.

You see, sometimes the issues at hand may not be as clear cut as we think, and also on top of that sometimes are own actions, while not starting the problem, can add too it.

This does not mean its our fualts and that some of our husbands actions are not totally wrong. In fact its true, everyones actions must be accounted for and there is nothing right about lying,cheating, neglecting, putting friendships or family before your spouse, or not providing adequatly to the best of ones ability as a husband. They are wrong for doing any of those things and will have to account to a higher person for their actions.

I am only saying that fruad may not be the root of the problem. If we assume its due to fruad, we may be shortchanging ourselves and creating a tornado inside thats doing nothing but picking up damaging debris that is destroying our own sanity, trust, love, and inner contentment.

I read in a Watchtower magazine on a different subject once, that a good desicion has examined both sides of the argument first. If I would have simply assumed that my marriage was fruadulant then I would have not ever made some of the changes that contributed to my marrital improvements and I would still be angry and bitter to this day and have extra baggage that I may or may not carry on to someone else. But in making some personal changes to the way I handled our problems, I most importantly helped myself and the improvments in my marriage came with it.

I am in full support of all you ladies on here becuase I know what this whole process is like and what it is like being in a cross culteral marriage.I also know the pain of lies, and neglect. I know the pain very very well. Please NEVER think I am blaming you guys for your husbands actions. I am not! I am just trying to give some advice based on my own experiance in hopes that it will give you some peace of mind and food for thought.

[Naijabound 1]

Well said 4TheLoveOfHenry! (had to give you two thumbs up, lol). You know sometimes I often wonder if the high percent of these cross cultural marriages do not work, not because of someone being scammed, but because of the huge cultural differences we occur on both ends. Added with what we have instilled in our minds from everything we hear of others stories. This is in no way saying that green card scams do not happen, but I just wonder does it happen for those reasons as much as we think.

Edited May 9, 2011 by Naijabound

[MAO36 30]

Hello Ladies,

Thanks for the feedback and different point of views!!!! As always, please find out as much as you can about your man before putting your heart & soul into the relationship!

I appreciate the positivity and advice knowing every scenario is different to some extent!

See ya!!

[MAO36 30]

4TheLove of Henry,

Your honesty, your candidness and the determination to make your marriage work has shined through your words of wisdom, scriptures and openness to this public forum. I bet most of us would take some of the blame for the difficulties in our marriages. I definitely have said some things that were not words befitting of a christian woman and hold myself completely responsible for my actions. What I won't make excuses for though are the lies he told and tells, the coming home late at night without a valid explanation of his whereabouts, the disconnection and thoughtless acts such as forgetting about his marriage vows he made before God. My husband is no stranger to the bible. What I won't tolerate is hiding your phone, your receipts, mail etc from your wife. I won't tolerate infidelity, I just won't. Now, I've been through hell and back. I have a great deal of spiritual MOM'S who have been married for over 30 years who live their lives by the bible and love and adore the marriage arrangement, tell me they would have left a LONG time ago based on the thoughless acts and the high suspicion of infidelity on his part. They have been clear about supporting me whether I stayed or left and have never encouraged me to leave since this is between Me, Hubby abd GOD. The bottom line is (FOR ME). Yes, I have said things out of anger that I regret, when my Husband shows up at 3am, without a trace of where he's been. When women have called his phone and said it was business but yet got confrontational with me when I said I was his wife. There may be a cultutal difference yes, but I don't care what culture anyone comes from, infidelity is "dead wrong", lying, cheating, scheming is dead wrong and I deserve true happiness if i do say so myself. Love is not deceitful, love is not dishonest. How many chances do they get? If I were caught laid up with some man (hypothetically speaking), do I really think my husband would be waiting on bended knees to forgive me? to make love to me? He told me straight up, as a man he probably would not be able to get over something like that. Is there a double standard? of course. Sometimes, we are who we are, "innocent victims". I'm no saint by far, but I am not a liar and a cheat. I just feel those bad qualities really change the dynamics of what a marriage should stand for. I love my husband and for the last 3-4 days he has been making an extra effort to listen and understand. I will do the same. Let's hope it moves in the right direction.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

Thank you so much for the thumbs up but please dont give me any credit. I just know the pain I have gone through and hope my words can help someone else. Not to find fualt or blame with themselves but to recognize that sometimes when our feelings are involved we cannot look objectivly at the situation.

And as you said, when you have so many people (usually well meaning friends and family)encouraging your feelings of negativity it is almost inevetable that those feelings will fester and breed and then whatever oppurtunity there was for objectivity will be crowded out making it harder for the person involved to make an unbiased decision.

There were so many times I would go to my friends and family looking for advice but with the best of intentions, many of them would side with me, confirming within me the idea that my husband had used me. It wasnt until my sister sat me down and talked to me with a suprisingly unbiased viewpoint that I actually got started on the path of correcting some of my own personal misconceptions and mistakes. I'm glad she did that for me becuase no matter if my marriage works out or not if I ever am in another relationship I can use the tools I have learned. Also everything she told me was bible based and so I had every reason (according to my own beliefs) to look into it and believe it.

It was hard at first and I often times didnt have enough faith that it would work but over time, little by little, it did and then when things would improve and I would have a setback I could see really how those setbacks were affecting things leading me to believe that the advice I got really was the best advice for me. I dont know if this is the best advice for each ones situation but it is my piece of advice and I hope it can help someone in their situation even if it is only just one person. Anyway I will keep you ladies in my prayers and hope that you will find some peace in your marriages and some happiness. Remember that marriage is no walk in the park and God says we will experiance tribulation in marriage but he is also a happy god who wants us to work through the tribulation and be happy.