Sharing some red flags

[MAO36 30]

Thanks for the feedback. I am very sorry for anyone who is going through this horror show or is approaching this stage. You have added plenty more red flags and indeed they are red flags. I really think the condom wrapper is HUGE and I think you know what you need to do. Consider it a favor from him that you are no longer intimate, since there is no cure for some STD's!!!!!. If you are intimate, PLEASE always use a condom. This mess is very real and VERY scary. I can relate to alot of the things you described as well. Please protect your health, your finances and your heart. My prayers are with us and to those who may fall victim!

These things would NOT exist in a genuine relationship. Let your prayers be heard by GOD and then listen to the answers, as they may come a stranger. Sorry for the pain and thanks for sharing. It's so sad when most of us were simply looking for a decent man to love, instead we got "HELL ON WHEELS".

[MAO36 30]

@Hurtin in the US...

I just had to post again to you after reading your post again. Your husband and mine maybe twins! With the exception of the condom and the mysterious women, i think you hit the "Bullseye"! You have DEFINITELY provided an abundance of "food for thought" and I thank you for it. If we can help one person, then we've completed our mission.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Sis.

[maimouna 21]

Hello,

I am sorry this is happening to some sisters. It makes me so mad. I was born and raised in Senegal and absolutely hate when men give West Africans such a bad rep. They act like they do not have sisters of their own. Despicable. Here is my insider advice and my take on possible red flags.

-They are poor back home, they don't work

-There is a woman living in their house back home, a so "called cousin", ie probably his wife

-He doesn't take you out and mingle with you with their community once they get in the states, ie he is hiding you

-He sends most of his money back home, ie he is not building a life with you here in the US

-After he gets his 10 year green card, he quits his job, doesn't work and bums around the house, he is waiting for you to kick him out and file for divorce so he can tell USCIS that you divorced him

-USC is much older and past child bearing age

-When you visited him in Africa, you never met his extended family, again he is hiding you...in Africa marriages are very public and all the extended family know about it

-He hangs out with other Africans without you, does things without you, ie you are not a part of his life

-He goes to Africa without you for long periods of times (3 months) he probably has a double life over there, maybe another wife and potentially kids

-Before the 10 year GC he was sweet and loving and became a whole another person after the 10 year GC, he is trying to leave you

There are a lot more, as I think about it...I'll post them.

Again I am sorry for folks who are going through this. This is the only way to get the message out. And if you find yourselves in this situation, leave him cause he defiinitely doesn't love you.

Edited May 6, 2011 by maimouna

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Another red flag , If someone that knows the culture tries to nicely warn you.

I have seen this type of thread come every so often to sub Saharan most with a lot more anger. I started the Happy ending thread to counter the negatively as some where starting to think that no marriage ended well. Been poor and being unemployed are 2 separate things. I grew up poor in the US and that didn't mean my parents were lazy. My husband was poor in Africa but he was always hussling for work. However his father had 21 kids and with that much extended family there was always something eating up every cent. When it comes to work , beware of anyone online ALL the time. They are probably dipping into 419 to make big bucks and you are the biggest scam they have ever pulled.

[maimouna 21]

Another thing too is that anytime I tried to warn sisters in these "relationships", the men will try to make them believe that I was jealous than an African man was not with an African woman(pff like I cared). Please be open minded and listen to people from that culture or country warning you, they most likely are trying to protect you.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

@Hurtin in the US...

I just had to post again to you after reading your post again. Your husband and mine maybe twins! With the exception of the condom and the mysterious women, i think you hit the "Bullseye"! You have DEFINITELY provided an abundance of "food for thought" and I thank you for it. If we can help one person, then we've completed our mission.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Sis.

I agree with you MA036. I believe your post is helpful to many, and your mission to help others is appreciated. This applies not only to Nigerian spouses/fiances,"the red flags" are true with any group or nationality. As much as it was painful for you, and other members to share your personal stories, I realize it was done with the intention to prevent few more sad endings for others. I pray your sound advice will help others. God bless you for being so candid and caring.

Ultimately, each person needs to do what is right for them, their family, and their well being, which will bring happiness into their lives.

Regardless of this unpleasant experience, which you encountered, please do not give up on happiness. Good people do exist in this beautiful world.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, as is my wishes of a life full of joy and happiness. Thanks again for your courage.

[reeses16 8]

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties that some of you are going through. Thank you for sharing your stories and advice with the VJ community.

Having been on VJ a long time and heard a lot of experiences I would add to the red flag list, the need to have children very quickly. Wanting to have children quickly is not necessarily a bad thing (children are a blessing!), but if there are other red flags or questions/doubts in one's mind I advise against it. Many ill-informed immigrants believe that having a child in the US will enable them to stay. Waiting gives you a chance to see how your spouse adjusts to the US and to living with you and how they handle challenges in life and to observe/anticipate what their role will be in taking care of your children.

[Nwanyioma 11]

I must say that this is a very interesting topic. Widely recognized especially in the Africa Sub-Saharan forum. Before I begin, I would like to express my dearest sympathy to those who have put in much effort to save their marriages despite the fact that they were possibly scammed. We talk about the "red flags" and I want to ask the women out there why we tend ignore the "signs" of being scammed? Could it be that we're to "naive"? I say this because I know of a lady that I met on this site. She was African-American lady the same age as my mother. Im 27 and she's 48. Her then fiancee was 32-33. We became very close because her man was yoruba and so was mine. She was also in the process for filing a k1 visa. We confided in each other. I took her as a mother. She will complain to me on how the guys wife sent her a text message telling her to leave her husband alone,they were never intimate, he only called her when he needed money, she will send money to him in Nigeria, and when she will go to visit the money was unaccounted for, she never met any of his relatives, only his close friends, and many more things.I could tell that she really loved this guy and she made plans for him to join her in the US to possibly start a future together. But what was painful is that she spent so much money and he never went to any of his k1 visa interviews! How can she not possibly know that she was not being scammed? How could I tell her if she has already made up her mind to continue to be used? I had so much respect for this lady, but I never knew that some people can be so blind and naive. I feel for the women who has devoted so much time in this immigration process emotionally, mentally, and physically, only to be used and betrayed at the end. But can we as women accept some of the blame for being used?

[MAO36 30]

Hellooooooo My Sisters because I truly believe we are united in this journey.

I'm sending out a HUUUUUGE thanks to everyone who is sharing their thoughts, redflags, concerns advice you name it. United we stand ladies!! Honestly speaking, I can actually sit back now and see some of the red flags mentioned without even realizing that they were right there in my face. Yes, at the end of the day the choice is yours whether you will take the chance and hope and pray you beat the odds. I pray that you do. My husband has beeen trying harder to be nice lately, don't know if it's guilt or what but i certainly told him I am going on visajourney to put all of these issues that seem to be kept quiet on "blast". I think he's ashamed but let's see if he'll be ashamed enough to change for the better. Yes, some of us are to blame. I'll speak for myself. What a fool in love to think I could marry a complete stranger and think it would be some fairytell romance. What a fool to think someone who barely knew me could honestly love me the way a real couple loves one another. Yes, I was naive, yes I was blinded and yes I wanted this so called knight in shining armour to be the man of my dreams. When I'm crying about it to God I make sure I stress the point that some of this is self-inflicted pain. I should have known better than this. My husband was very poor and owned 1 suit and 2 pairs of jeans. A lot of times he went hungry due to the lack of work in his country. This isn;t ncessarily a red flag but now that he's here in the land of opportunity, do you think it's easy for him to remain that humble man he was in africa. NOOOO, he has gone buck wild since he arrived. He has a job (good), car (good) a steady paycheck (very good), but he lost that unconditional love he expressed over the phon & computer when I was holding the ticket out for him. Was it love? or was it an opportunity to get out of poverty? The last list of redflags were "spot on" Sis ! And I don't think you're jealous of american women! That's absurd!

THANKS LADIES, YOUR POSTS HAVE EVEN HELPED ME!! ALL INPUT IS WELCOME. I dont get offended easily

[HurtInTheUS 0]

Hellooooooo My Sisters because I truly believe we are united in this journey.

I'm sending out a HUUUUUGE thanks to everyone who is sharing their thoughts, redflags, concerns advice you name it. United we stand ladies!! Honestly speaking, I can actually sit back now and see some of the red flags mentioned without even realizing that they were right there in my face. Yes, at the end of the day the choice is yours whether you will take the chance and hope and pray you beat the odds. I pray that you do. My husband has beeen trying harder to be nice lately, don't know if it's guilt or what but i certainly told him I am going on visajourney to put all of these issues that seem to be kept quiet on "blast". I think he's ashamed but let's see if he'll be ashamed enough to change for the better. Yes, some of us are to blame. I'll speak for myself. What a fool in love to think I could marry a complete stranger and think it would be some fairytell romance. What a fool to think someone who barely knew me could honestly love me the way a real couple loves one another. Yes, I was naive, yes I was blinded and yes I wanted this so called knight in shining armour to be the man of my dreams. When I'm crying about it to God I make sure I stress the point that some of this is self-inflicted pain. I should have known better than this. My husband was very poor and owned 1 suit and 2 pairs of jeans. A lot of times he went hungry due to the lack of work in his country. This isn;t ncessarily a red flag but now that he's here in the land of opportunity, do you think it's easy for him to remain that humble man he was in africa. NOOOO, he has gone buck wild since he arrived. He has a job (good), car (good) a steady paycheck (very good), but he lost that unconditional love he expressed over the phon & computer when I was holding the ticket out for him. Was it love? or was it an opportunity to get out of poverty? The last list of redflags were "spot on" Sis ! And I don't think you're jealous of american women! That's absurd!

THANKS LADIES, YOUR POSTS HAVE EVEN HELPED ME!! ALL INPUT IS WELCOME. I dont get offended easily

I could not have said it better! I totally agree with this post as it is written. I think my husband went buck wild because women here love their accents and that they seem so different that African American men. I had to ask my husband, why did he come all this way to cheat? I have constantly asked who were all the women in his home. He always referred to them as sisters. I thought the embassy checks to see if they are married. I often wonder how could he have gotten through this process and did not disclose he has a wife at home. And if that was his wife, how could she cook and clean for another women? Particularly and American citizen.

Ok,MAO36 I think our husbands are related. The first thing my husband asked was if I planned on posting our troubles on Visa Journey. I said, OH YES! If I can help someone keep from making the same mistake, then my mistakes are not in vain.

[MAO36 30]

@Hurtin the USA,

I'm glad you could stand up to him as well. Why should we hide the truth. The embassy is supposed to check all these things out but unfortunately in a lot of these foreign places they do not keep good records of marriages, divorces etc. Most of them have a hard time just proving their identity. My friends husband never even had a copy of his birth certificate and went to his interview without it. They asked him "how do we know you're the person you say you are"? lol. He finally went somewhere in his village and got one drawn up. It was a huge risk we took and no matter which way it goes, it could only make us wiser and stronger. I've grown and matured so much behind this ordeal. I only hope those considering these steps will heed the warning!!!

Thanks for posting!!

[4theloveofhenry 8]

I wanted to add to this topic something that came to mind while reading through the posts. Mao36 mentiond our men "going buck wild". I think she may have struck gold when she said that. I say this becuase the temptations that are pushed in our husbands faces in this country can be overwhelming. They are overwhelming for Americans who have lived here all their lives.

We have the largest porn industry in the world,the desire for newer and better things shoved in our faces everyday on television and internet,the nice cars and new models that come out it seems bi-weekly, and a society that tells us you are nothing without a high education and a six figure income.

Also look at the way many Americans dont value marriage at all. Women here believe being the mistress has more clout than the wife and are angry when someone elses husband wont leave their WIVES! Add to that the lack of modesty in most American fashion and the way some women push themselves on other men whether married or not!

Most of our husbands while seeing these same issues in their home countries do not see it on the same grand level that they experiance here. In their countries a woman may not even glance at them unless they can shower them with money first yet when they get here in the States most women are just looking for a set of pants, whether the pockets are empty or not.

You should see the way women threw themselves on my husband while we went through a short seperation. They didnt even know me and accused me of cheating in order to lure my husband to cheat with them. One coworker even had the audacity to ask my husband if I planned my pregnancy to keep him and was he happy about it!!!! This same woman kept trying to lure my husband to dinner at her home until he told her he would come....WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN!!! She has since stopped trying as hard, but she has yet to fully stop. Even going to the point of implying I dont take care of my husband at home becuase when he comes to work at the WAREHOUSE, he doesnt wear nice cloths!!!

Add to all of this pressure, the pressures our husband go through adjusting to a new country, the initial stress of actually living in a cross culteral marriage,the arguing and friction that usually go with it, and the temptation many encounter with their first constant source of income, nicer clothes, first car ever in some cases, and the steady stream of women who come across as a easy stress release from their pressures at home.

These are not to excuse them but to offer insight into what may happen when they come here and experiance culture shock and wander lust.

What we women can do to help our marriages is try to leave the arguing alone. Try our hardest to be accomodating, respectfull, and supportive. Realize that their initial withdrawl from us may not be "us" but may be due to homesickness, culture shock, and worry over adjusting and the process of finding a job.My husband used to always comment on how in Korea and Nigeria there were hardly any such things as applications and prior experiance. He said most employers just took you on and saw if you could do the job or not, or knowing someone in the right places got you the work you needed. He also said many people in his country simply went into business for themselves, and there was not all this extra to worry about in doing so. He said even to drive was no big deal. There were no driving tests or the like.

Things here are so different. The things we need are hard to come by while the junk we dont is readily available to drag us into mess.

I am not talking about those men who have other wives or have already exhibited no love or affection or the desire for a easy buck. I feel you ladies have already given a plethera of red flags for others to watch out for. But I also wanted to add that this is not always the case but there can be other factors involved that can put MAJOR strain on a new marriage. And remember just becuase we may have been married in years, the real marriage doesnt start till we share the same roof. Also remember this, nobody is perfect. Yes our husbands have imperfections and that also means we do too. We also have different ways of communicating and interacting. Also like I always have to remind myself first, everybody thinks they are right when they are angry LOL.

A husband who loves his wife can still be selfish, hot tempered, and tempted.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Wow ladies, I am speechless with the way this topic has evolved, and so many stories have emerged from this very sensitive subject. I am proud of you and I salute you for your courage.

You have been through so much heartache and are still standing strong. It warms my heart to see total strangers reaching out to comfort one another, and try to help others from making similar mistakes. God bless you for sharing with us your thoughts, advice, concerns, and relationships. Regardless, of the men in your lives, I feel you are all winners, for you have persevered and survived.

I rejoice the strong bond, which has been established within this group. I pray for your happiness and peace of mind SISTERS. Stay blessed always! Thanks again.

[Zee Bee 61]

I see these red flags and remind myself that these are not exclusive to men from African countries. They can apply to any foreign spouse from any country.

I hope that what I am about to say does not take away from what those of you who are going through this are expressing.

Sometimes I feel that as women, we take on our nurturing role more strongly than any other role. We want to take care of our men, of the people around us and we forget about what is good for us. When it comes to the red flags that people have posted I cringe a little. There are so many times in this forum when I read something that the female USC says about her SO and I think "RED FLAG....run for the hills" but the truth is that when you are in the middle of this process there is nothing that anyone can say to make you stop it.

On many forums here on VJ there are countless couples complaining about the length of the process, that we have the right to love who we want, that US government has no place in our relationships, the cost is too much, the paperwork is atrocious, why do I need to prove my relationship etc etc. At times people use the process to excuse some of the behaviors they see from their SOs and that once they are together all that will go away and they will live happily ever after.

We all think we are in love and our SO is our soulmate and all that other lovey dovey stuff that we do not want to listen to our been-there-done-that sisters about the truth.

I think thats important to remember that we all need to be honest with ourselves about our relationships and our roles in them.

And sometimes, despite everything, some relationships just don't work out, red flags or not.

[Nwanyioma 11]

I see these red flags and remind myself that these are not exclusive to men from African countries. They can apply to any foreign spouse from any country.

I hope that what I am about to say does not take away from what those of you who are going through this are expressing.

Sometimes I feel that as women, we take on our nurturing role more strongly than any other role. We want to take care of our men, of the people around us and we forget about what is good for us. When it comes to the red flags that people have posted I cringe a little. There are so many times in this forum when I read something that the female USC says about her SO and I think "RED FLAG....run for the hills" but the truth is that when you are in the middle of this process there is nothing that anyone can say to make you stop it.

On many forums here on VJ there are countless couples complaining about the length of the process, that we have the right to love who we want, that US government has no place in our relationships, the cost is too much, the paperwork is atrocious, why do I need to prove my relationship etc etc. At times people use the process to excuse some of the behaviors they see from their SOs and that once they are together all that will go away and they will live happily ever after.

We all think we are in love and our SO is our soulmate and all that other lovey dovey stuff that we do not want to listen to our been-there-done-that sisters about the truth.

I think thats important to remember that we all need to be honest with ourselves about our relationships and our roles in them.

And sometimes, despite everything, some relationships just don't work out, red flags or not.

Couldn't have said it better Zee Bee. :thumbs: :thumbs: