Sharing some red flags

[4theloveofhenry 8]

I'll try to give some hints as to why some men do what they do later to today. Only if MAO36 and efiaodo are still interested...lol

I want to know too. Sorry MAO I am hijacking your thread, but I really want to know. Please share with the rest of us.

[4theloveofhenry 8]

but do you have an opinion sam? LOLOL Knowing mao and her hubby as i do...i know she has done all this u recommended and more and obviously he was a pririority to her or else he woulnt be here...she has sacrificed much for this marriage. And like it or not some do use others in shocking ways to get by in life...not saying that is the complete case here cause i belive my bro loves my friend if u knew her yd love her too. shes a great person...yeah shes a habenero sometimes but he aint a walk in the park either to say the least. many peeps have trouble in marriage. bible guarantees it will happen...but that doesnt mean that the innocent mate hasnt fulfilled their role. sometimes people just do stupid things and some people continue to do stupid things over and over again. She married him with a clear view of her vows and has not broken them up till now...but there are two way that Jesus is very clear on when it comes to the allowance of dissolution of marriage. barring the death of her husband (at the hands of her friend efia flying up there to do a drive by on him LOLOL kidding :/)....she is still free to leave OR free to stay with no spiritual guilt on her part because of the infidelity. thank you for the spirit in which you give the advice....but having done all that before this...what does she do now? what if the love she has was based on a lie? shall she go back and rememinsce on a lie to find out why she fell in love with him? what a bitter pill.the only reason this woman is suffering is because she is a Christian. A Christian trying to do the right thing but struggling with anger and hurt. If this marriage does survive it will be only because he repents and turns into the man he represented himself to be. First to God then to her.

I just wanted to say I can hear the pain in your words for your friend. You are a really good friend and it reminds me of the scripture( I had to search for it) at 1 Corinthians 12:25,26- so that there should be no division in the body but that its members should have the same care for one another26-And if one member suffers, all the other members suffer with it, or if a member is glorified, all the other members rejoice with it.

Your example is very faith strengthening.It shows me some improvements and adjustments I can make within myself and it makes me feel proud of the organization we are a part of.

[S_R 148]

I want to know too. Sorry MAO I am hijacking your thread, but I really want to know. Please share with the rest of us.

Still working on the thesis...lol

[S_R 148]

SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are indeed amazing. You have made someone a very lucky woman!. Wow! I am very guilty of not doing at least 90% of those things. It has been all about the children but I had to be there for them as they adjusted to their new stepdad. It has been the kids and me for so long, I found it hard to love a man the way I love my kids but I understand where you're coming from.

Date night!!! I often thought about that but was always too tired after working so hard and then cooking dinner, whenever I did cook.

Using the word divorce! Hmmmm, I mostly just advise him to get out, which is what he always said he hated the most. He would say, why do you always want to throw me out on the street.

Plan a trip without the kids. Yeah, this is good also, we took 2 trips without the kids within the last 3 years and it was amazing. We had SO much fun, laughing and acting crazy. He's african with an American twist to him. lol

Ok, so you are calling my fat????? lol, Really, I'm just kidding! You know looking back at some of my friends who have been married for many, many years. The wives are drop dead gorgeous because they work at it. My dearest friend would often tell me that she had to keep her figure up to par, 1) for her health and 2) to keep the fire burning in the bedroom with her husband. Ok... I'm a SLACKER!!! I am so guilty of not doing this. Hubby keeps asking me why do I eat so much ice cream and then cry about not fitting anything, lol!. Don't get me wrong... I'm big... but attractive I think...but Hubby but has expressed concern over the weight. The funny thing is he has never insulted my verbally about it or looked upon me with disgust. I do need to hit the gym, so again I understand where you are coming from. We do eat togther sometimes. He often makes mine and his food separately because he prefers african soup etc. So he makes it for me and serves me! Now I could get use to that!

NOW SAM, Where is Hubby's list?

Initially, most people approach the topic of lying and infidelity somewhat reluctantly - driven by their curiosity or by a recent, unexpected discovery.

For better or for worse, our romantic relationships are not always as straightforward as we would like them to be. From time to time, our intimate relationships can become complicated and complex - full of contradictions and inconsistencies.

When it comes to love and marriage, people expect a spouse to be completely honest. But, at the same time, everyone values their sense of freedom and privacy. So while romantic partners typically want to please each other, at other times, couples experience competing goals which can make telling the truth more difficult.

As it stands, our close relationships involve a lot of truth telling as well as some dishonesty.

If love was straightforward and unchanging, that would be easy to acknowledge. But, when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear: Love creates both happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow.

For the most part, spouses are considerate, honest and kind .

But at the same time, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, betray those they love. Unfortunately, deception comes in handy when people want to limit their partner's choices, avoid conflict or punishment, or when people want to influence their partner's behavior.

One might think that men ought to be capable of reason and reflection in regard to their actions. However, that's not exactly how it works. The more highly evolved a species, the more elaborate are its secondary sexual characteristics. The primal urge of men is something that can be observed in nature among countless other species. The need to procreate is a priority second only to the procuring of a food supply.

Cheating is not an expression of love, nor a way to save your relationship. People cheat when they want to avoid tough decisions, when they aren’t up for the hard work required of a long-term romantic relationship, or are unable to break things off mercifully. They’re completely disregarding the fact that when you cheat, you’re breaching an agreement, specifically that one involving “’til death do you part.”

That said, the cheater may not be the only one at fault.

I know, I know, you should never punish the victim. But a relationship is a two-way street.

The truth, however, is not likely to be popular.Men who commit adultery generally fall into one of the following three categories: The Narcissist, Situational Adulterers, or Neglected Husbands.

If you’ve been cheated on, there were likely some relationship red flags you ignored that could have prevented this ordeal. The lack of sex issue is a perfect example.

Many cheaters let their partners know that they long for more than the missionary position, that they want to have oral sex, that they want to try mummification the next time you play naughty nurse (lol) ... They’ve begged and pleaded for more sexual and emotional intimacy. You may vaguely recall that your response likely involved any of the following:

— Defensiveness: “Am I no more than an object to you?” When you’re stone cold, well then yes.

— A lack of sympathy: “That’s your problem, babe, not mine.” Guess what? When you commit, your problems are our problems.

— Justification: “We have kids. We’re supposed to be sexless.” Parenthood does not have to be passionless.

— Being dismissive: “You know I retired from adventure sex years ago. Isn’t that why we just bought you that brand new PC with gaming hardware?” If this were customer relations, then you just dropped the ball on maintaining product loyalty. Even the most faithful of consumers will switch brands when a company fails to recognize their needs.

Major character flaws aside, is it any wonder that a cheater is angry, frustrated, desperate, and vulnerable to any home-wrecker hyena ready to scandalously scavenge your union with sexual antics? You’re committing emotional abuse in depriving your partner of sexual intimacy. If you’re not willing to put some effort into your relationship, there are thousands of people, found with a few clicks of the mouse, who will.

While I just used a sexless union as an example of why a partner may commit adultery, realize that sex is usually not the purpose of an affair.

As stated in Frank Pittman’s "Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy," many cheaters admit that sex is better at home. Affairs are emotionally complex, with a cheater seeking far more than sexual gratification in cozying up with another. Furthermore, it’s not the sex, per se, that will destroy a union, but the lies, secrecy, confusion and disorientation couples must grapple with.

In general, the main reason men cheat on their partners is purely due to their hunger for sex. Men regularly need to find new sources of sexual satisfaction. Their ability to exercise self control is lessened in two major ways. First, a previous instances of cheating makes future cheating more likely. In other words, once a man has set precident with himself to cheat on a loved one, he MAY more readily do it again in the future. Second, a lack of ATTRACTION towards their partner is also a major contributor towards infidelity. As novelty wears off over time, they could cheat.

Another noteworthy reason for unfaithfulness stems from constant NAGGING. In this case, the man cheats in order to take revenge on his nagging partner or to soothe his own ego. Think of this as kind of a backdoor method of regaining "alpha" status in the relationship.

Due to the immense hurt endured, it is clear that a victim of infidelity would not appreciate merely a polite expression of any kind, but this is possibly tempered by the notion that it is possible for a man who can behave so abominably, to not only feel a sense of loss, but to acknowledge the senseless damage inflicted on his victim partner.

We live in a world that seems to have adopted what some call the “capitalist model of marriage”; everybody expects a return on their investment. Marriage is supposed to be about giving, not getting, but we’ll save sacramental theology for another day and just deal now with the problem in front of us. Men, rightly or wrongly, expect sexual gratification in their marriages. If sex is withheld or greatly reduced in either QUALITY or QUANTITY, they will eventually say to themselves something like “I’m entitled to sex, and if I can’t get it at home I’ll get it somewhere else.”

Ladies, not to put too fine a point on it, but if you’re not having sex with your husband somebody else probably is.

There are two possible solutions here:

Both husband and wife come to accept that the underlying causes of sexual dysfunction in the marriage need to be addressed, starting with an acknowledgment that marriage is not a transaction – it’s the combination of two human beings into a new person that cannot realize its full potential until each gives themselves TOTALLY to the other person. Their love then grows in new and special ways they could not have possibly imagined when they first fell in love. Crosses, whatever they may be, are carried together.

The wife starts having more sex with her husband.

The second flows from the first, by the way, but it also works as a quick fix. I’ll leave it to you to decide what works for you.

@MAO :Were there a few times in the beginning when during talks about the affair,your hubby would get defensive about his actions...or when the old rationalizations and justifications would creep in. You know "I know it was wrong, BUT I didn't think you loved me any more."

He has to learn very quickly that qualifying "but" in the sentence will not get you guys anywhere. He must learn that a real apology isn't followed by "but you....".

Now, you have to discuss what he is feeling and where his head is regarding your marriage. Those are the real issues and problems....You have had your own set of issues that have to be dealt with. But you both must learn that the discussions about what went on in the "affair'' have to be separated as much as possible from the discussions about the marriage. Yes, the condition of the marriage had an impact on the affair, but they need to be addressed with or without the affair. Tying too closely together only keeps the wounded spouse in an angry state.

He must answer the questions even when the question hurt him or you. His willingness to be honest even when it hurts, will be a big part of rebuilding trust.

You must always try to be careful and think through what you want to know because many times you will ask the same questions in just slightly different ways. My caution to those asking the questions and those answering to think through what you want to know. Specific details are important to recovery, in my opinion. These would be dates, times, etc.....be careful on asking for the sexual details though and prepare yourself for those answers. The questions that get us all into trouble are the subjective ones....what were you thinking when you...how did you feel when you....etc. The emotions and thought processes of a person having an affair are not rational and memories of thoughts and emotions get faded and confused over time.

And one of the biggest frustrations for both parties will tend to be the "I don't know" answer. You will have to learn that he truly might not know or remember some things. As you process through it all, you may realize later that this was actually a positive in the long run.

Bottomline: A successful relationship is one where TWO FORGIVERS AGREE to live together.

I'm hungry & i need to go eat some Edikaikong soup with pounded yam if you know what the hell that is...(only found in 3rd world countries)lol.

Some humor only for naija peeps:

A Nigerian girl delivered a baby boy for a Chinese man,

The baby boy died after one month,

The naija babe's aunt was mad and said,

I knew it! I knew it! Chinese product no dey last!!!

[shefellfromheaven 18]

Although I'm not from Nairaland!

Some humor only for naija peeps:

A Nigerian girl delivered a baby boy for a Chinese man,

The baby boy died after one month,

The naija babe's aunt was mad and said,

I knew it! I knew it! Chinese product no dey last!!!

Edited May 20, 2011 by shefellfromheaven

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Sam,

I am extremely impressed by your comments. I have been following this subject and its content, since the beginning, and I must say, I have learned a lot from each response. The individual experiences, thoughts, advices, input and etc stated has been priceless and educational.

As women, we tend to react quickly to a situation, before logic steps in. Men tend to do the opposite most of the time. Men, tend to step back or run, when something happens and review the situation, then respond. You made interesting points in your well written post. One stands in mind the most; You said: "If love was straightforward and unchanging, that would be easy to acknowledge. But, when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear: Love creates both happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow."

We tend to want guarantees, with straight forward answers to our quest for "love and relationships". NO one wants to get hurt or be disappointment. The truth remains, when we open the heart for love and etc, we open ourselves up for whatever the relationship will bring, weather good or bad, we take that risk. Weather it is a long distant relationships, or local one, relationships are work and each involves its a risks, and requires a level of commitment, on both sides, to make it work.

"Cheating is not an expression of love, nor a way to save your relationship. People cheat when they want to avoid tough decisions, when they aren’t up for the hard work required of a long-term romantic relationship, or are unable to break things off mercifully. They’re completely disregarding the fact that when you cheat, you’re breaching an agreement, specifically that one involving “’til death do you part.”

NO one goes into a relationship wanting to cause unhappiness to their significant other. But, with the brake down of communication and drifting apart? Most men/women tend to take the cowardly route and cheat "to give their partner the option to leave, instead of making the decision to leave first." Thus, opening other cans of worms as the saying goes.

When all is said and done, love, marriage and relationships, need to have "the basics" to work out: Friendship, compatibility, intellectual connection, honesty, communication, selflessness, compassion, love, trust, commitment,attraction, and common faith. But most of all, the will to work on the relationship everyday and together.

Your comments are all valid, they apply to general issues in each relationship, no matter how unique and different. When there are problems in a relationship, and each individual takes responsibility for their own actions, and fights to keep the relationship intact, then there is a reason to save the relationship. As the saying goes" It takes two hands to clap" or "It takes two to tango". When there is one person left in "a relationship" to do all the work, there is no relationship any more there is sorrow and pain full of disappointment and regrets.

You stated: "The truth, however, is not likely to be popular. Men who commit adultery generally fall into one of the following three categories: The Narcissist, Situational Adulterers, or Neglected Husbands." A true statement, which could actually apply for men or women. NO one has a crystal ball at hand, to be able to see into their partner's mind or heart. Therefore, to make life less complicated, and prevent further problems, or resentments, or CHEATING, a simple private conversation, when the storm in the relationship is in calm mood, is realistic. Preferably, at a candle light romantic dinner with "the wife" or 'hubby'. I feel this is a better choice than to go out and find some random stranger and "%@#$@#"! and start living a double life.

There are many relationships out there, which even include famous and gorgeous partners, and their significant others still cheat....so forth and so on...why is that? not because they are not attractive?

Each relationship should start with both partners disclosing their ALL, and by putting the cards on the table from the start, their relationship might survive the many obstacles and challenges which ultimately they will face.

My take on this is, if a relationship started on lies and reasons of personal gain, then it is a doomed relationship and headed for a failure, regardless of the efforts of the other partner and their efforts and investments in the relationship.

Thanks again for your informative and enlightening post.

[His Glory 25]

"I'm hungry & i need to go eat some Edikaikong soup with pounded yam if you know what the hell that is...(only found in 3rd world countries)lol."

Reminds me of egusi stew...aside from the snails. could u share yr recipe? Do u use the stockfish/talapia or do u prefer goat/beef/pork? Do u really pound the yam, or do u buy the instant type?

[His Glory 25]

I just wanted to say I can hear the pain in your words for your friend. You are a really good friend and it reminds me of the scripture( I had to search for it) at 1 Corinthians 12:25,26- so that there should be no division in the body but that its members should have the same care for one another26-And if one member suffers, all the other members suffer with it, or if a member is glorified, all the other members rejoice with it.

Your example is very faith strengthening.It shows me some improvements and adjustments I can make within myself and it makes me feel proud of the organization we are a part of.

Well..Mao inspires that type of loyality. Im protective of those i love, albeit misguided sometimes but i dey try. Mao's gonna be alright She's got friends like us to see her thru.

[MAO36 30]

Hello Everybody! Efiado, ShefellfromHeaven, Nigarmostyle, Dee etc etc!

How has everybody been? I have so much to tell but Im so so tired tonight. I need that voice typing device so i could just say what I want and watch it appear on the screen-lol. @Sam, thank so much for the extensive feedback on relationships, misconceptions, common mistakes, constructive criticism etc etc. I have learned a lot from you. @Dee, girl go right ahead and hijack the thread, it's all good We all share the threads. Nigarmostyle, always so encouraging, what a loyal poster! Efiado... love you much! This woman has listened to me whine for hours on end when she has her OWN problems! dang, thats a true friend. Thank you to everyone.

Ok.....Here is where I am. We never really planned a real sit down heart to heart talk and the more I thought about what he did, the more I concluded forgiveness on my part was not a option. I kept thinking how is this man ever going to learn if he is forgiven so EASILY!! It began to infuriate me! So I ended up packing all his things and asking him to leave! He asked me if we could first talk to our elders and then if things couldnt be resolved he would leave. Friday, he spoke to the elders without me. He wanted to know if he could stay and work things out as he did not want to end the marriage. I told him i needed time alone to sort my feelings out and I asked him to leave friday night. He sent me a text right after which said he wanted to come back. Anyway.. I just had this feeling like things werent quite over with he & the other woman, dont know why but my gut feeling was saying he may still be up to his tricks. Soooo... saturday my spiritual mom and i decided to drive around the area where we discovered he had been if you know what I mean. She was so convinced that there was no more contact with this woman and since all cards were laid on the table. I kept telling her that i still felt they were talking/texting at least. Anyway, just as we were about to give up and leave the area where she lives, WE SAW HIM DRIVE RIGHT PAST US!!!!! (IS THAT GOD OR WHAT??) I was like "oh heck no"! so we busted a quick u turn and followed him. After all this is my husband right??? Followed him right to the door of her house! My spiritual mom begged me to wait and say a little prayer but at that point I lost all senses. I jumped out of the car like i was in the olympics and screamed his name. He turned around as he was going in and the door close. 2 seconds later he came out was like MAO!!!, I only came to apologize to her in person, u can stay outside if you dont believe me but her mom, brother etc were livid about me hurting her and causing everybody grief with my lies and deceit. He said let me apologize to the family and then i want to come back home. He said, im sorry for hurting everybody and noone deserved what I did. I said if you're not out in 3 minutes im coming in. He was out in 3 minutes.... we then went somewhere, sat down and it was very emotional! How can I ever trust you again? why did you do it? Are you in love with her? How will you fix things? He explained and pleaded and pleaded for me to give him another chance. I said the phone has to go on the night stand, the mysterious friends, i need to meet. You need to sit down with the kids and explain things to them and explain how you're going to correct matters once and for all. He began to grab me and say MAO, you gotta believe that I love you! i messed up, yes I messed up and there is no excuse. He said no im not in love with her but i felt bad, real bad for what i did to her as well, as she didnt know i was married. I know you will never understand why i felt the need to go to her house and tell her sorry in person as well as her family, but this is something i had to do for my own conscience. He said please let me come home so we can work on our marriage. I said why? why do you love me? he said because you are spiritual minded. You love GOd and you put him first in your life. He said you are kind and loving and you are a good mother. Then he said but I beg you to work on your anger issues. I know most times you have every reason to be angry but please learn how to control your tongue. He also said i don't want to be under a lock and key. I am a man and there are times I will want to go out. I said fine, but i need to know where you're going and who ur with, then im ok with it. Then he asked me if I wanted to meet his nigerian friend, the one who allowed him to stay with since I put him out, I said yes. We drove down to his friends house and i finally met his close friend and saw where he lived. He then gathered up his suitcases and laptop etc etc so he could come home. I then added friends address to my phone just in case i needed to do a drive by in the near future! drive by to make sure he is where he says he is. Anyway, I decided to give him another chance with serious stipulations. The kids were very open and honest and told him how disappointed they were. The youngest one told him she wouldn't believe a word he said until his actions back up his statements. (I know..., she is just like her momma). Anyway he just sat there while they expressed their feelings, he just sat there looking all crazy. Afterwards... he said MAO, I never wanted to see the kids cry, I have really screwed up everybody's life with my infidelity. I said yes you did, but now is your chance to show & prove!!....... I do love my husband and will work on my anger issues. I will clean up this disorganized room and will cook dinner this week.

Its a start!......... I hope to GOD, I never have to go through this ordeal again and I hope to GOD none of you will either. Oh... before I forget, the tears finally came down when I saw him driving in her neighborhood. I thought I was all tough thru this but I broke down Ladies & gents, the tears were flowing. I finally allowed myself to mourn over his affair. My advice would be to make sure there is no cause for blame on your part. You cannot control your husbands actions and you cant make anyone love you but if you contribute to the situation with anger and violence, then you'll always blame yourself in some way. No matter what happens, continue to put your faith in God and he will sustain you through anything this unordinary journey takes you through!

Love yall!

[His Glory 25]

coool..so when can i come over for dinner? ill make the egusi.

[MAO36 30]

Initially, most people approach the topic of lying and infidelity somewhat reluctantly - driven by their curiosity or by a recent, unexpected discovery.

For better or for worse, our romantic relationships are not always as straightforward as we would like them to be. From time to time, our intimate relationships can become complicated and complex - full of contradictions and inconsistencies.

When it comes to love and marriage, people expect a spouse to be completely honest. But, at the same time, everyone values their sense of freedom and privacy. So while romantic partners typically want to please each other, at other times, couples experience competing goals which can make telling the truth more difficult.

As it stands, our close relationships involve a lot of truth telling as well as some dishonesty.

If love was straightforward and unchanging, that would be easy to acknowledge. But, when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear: Love creates both happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow.

For the most part, spouses are considerate, honest and kind .

But at the same time, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, betray those they love. Unfortunately, deception comes in handy when people want to limit their partner's choices, avoid conflict or punishment, or when people want to influence their partner's behavior.

One might think that men ought to be capable of reason and reflection in regard to their actions. However, that's not exactly how it works. The more highly evolved a species, the more elaborate are its secondary sexual characteristics. The primal urge of men is something that can be observed in nature among countless other species. The need to procreate is a priority second only to the procuring of a food supply.

Cheating is not an expression of love, nor a way to save your relationship. People cheat when they want to avoid tough decisions, when they aren't up for the hard work required of a long-term romantic relationship, or are unable to break things off mercifully. They're completely disregarding the fact that when you cheat, you're breaching an agreement, specifically that one involving "'til death do you part."

That said, the cheater may not be the only one at fault.

I know, I know, you should never punish the victim. But a relationship is a two-way street.

The truth, however, is not likely to be popular.Men who commit adultery generally fall into one of the following three categories: The Narcissist, Situational Adulterers, or Neglected Husbands.

If you've been cheated on, there were likely some relationship red flags you ignored that could have prevented this ordeal. The lack of sex issue is a perfect example.

Many cheaters let their partners know that they long for more than the missionary position, that they want to have oral sex, that they want to try mummification the next time you play naughty nurse (lol) ... They've begged and pleaded for more sexual and emotional intimacy. You may vaguely recall that your response likely involved any of the following:

— Defensiveness: "Am I no more than an object to you?" When you're stone cold, well then yes.

— A lack of sympathy: "That's your problem, babe, not mine." Guess what? When you commit, your problems are our problems.

— Justification: "We have kids. We're supposed to be sexless." Parenthood does not have to be passionless.

— Being dismissive: "You know I retired from adventure sex years ago. Isn't that why we just bought you that brand new PC with gaming hardware?" If this were customer relations, then you just dropped the ball on maintaining product loyalty. Even the most faithful of consumers will switch brands when a company fails to recognize their needs.

Major character flaws aside, is it any wonder that a cheater is angry, frustrated, desperate, and vulnerable to any home-wrecker hyena ready to scandalously scavenge your union with sexual antics? You're committing emotional abuse in depriving your partner of sexual intimacy. If you're not willing to put some effort into your relationship, there are thousands of people, found with a few clicks of the mouse, who will.

While I just used a sexless union as an example of why a partner may commit adultery, realize that sex is usually not the purpose of an affair.

As stated in Frank Pittman's "Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy," many cheaters admit that sex is better at home. Affairs are emotionally complex, with a cheater seeking far more than sexual gratification in cozying up with another. Furthermore, it's not the sex, per se, that will destroy a union, but the lies, secrecy, confusion and disorientation couples must grapple with.

In general, the main reason men cheat on their partners is purely due to their hunger for sex. Men regularly need to find new sources of sexual satisfaction. Their ability to exercise self control is lessened in two major ways. First, a previous instances of cheating makes future cheating more likely. In other words, once a man has set precident with himself to cheat on a loved one, he MAY more readily do it again in the future. Second, a lack of ATTRACTION towards their partner is also a major contributor towards infidelity. As novelty wears off over time, they could cheat.

Another noteworthy reason for unfaithfulness stems from constant NAGGING. In this case, the man cheats in order to take revenge on his nagging partner or to soothe his own ego. Think of this as kind of a backdoor method of regaining "alpha" status in the relationship.

Due to the immense hurt endured, it is clear that a victim of infidelity would not appreciate merely a polite expression of any kind, but this is possibly tempered by the notion that it is possible for a man who can behave so abominably, to not only feel a sense of loss, but to acknowledge the senseless damage inflicted on his victim partner.

We live in a world that seems to have adopted what some call the "capitalist model of marriage"; everybody expects a return on their investment. Marriage is supposed to be about giving, not getting, but we'll save sacramental theology for another day and just deal now with the problem in front of us. Men, rightly or wrongly, expect sexual gratification in their marriages. If sex is withheld or greatly reduced in either QUALITY or QUANTITY, they will eventually say to themselves something like "I'm entitled to sex, and if I can't get it at home I'll get it somewhere else."

Ladies, not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're not having sex with your husband somebody else probably is.

There are two possible solutions here:

Both husband and wife come to accept that the underlying causes of sexual dysfunction in the marriage need to be addressed, starting with an acknowledgment that marriage is not a transaction – it's the combination of two human beings into a new person that cannot realize its full potential until each gives themselves TOTALLY to the other person. Their love then grows in new and special ways they could not have possibly imagined when they first fell in love. Crosses, whatever they may be, are carried together.

The wife starts having more sex with her husband.

The second flows from the first, by the way, but it also works as a quick fix. I'll leave it to you to decide what works for you.

@MAO :Were there a few times in the beginning when during talks about the affair,your hubby would get defensive about his actions...or when the old rationalizations and justifications would creep in. You know "I know it was wrong, BUT I didn't think you loved me any more."

He has to learn very quickly that qualifying "but" in the sentence will not get you guys anywhere. He must learn that a real apology isn't followed by "but you....".

Now, you have to discuss what he is feeling and where his head is regarding your marriage. Those are the real issues and problems....You have had your own set of issues that have to be dealt with. But you both must learn that the discussions about what went on in the "affair'' have to be separated as much as possible from the discussions about the marriage. Yes, the condition of the marriage had an impact on the affair, but they need to be addressed with or without the affair. Tying too closely together only keeps the wounded spouse in an angry state.

He must answer the questions even when the question hurt him or you. His willingness to be honest even when it hurts, will be a big part of rebuilding trust.

You must always try to be careful and think through what you want to know because many times you will ask the same questions in just slightly different ways. My caution to those asking the questions and those answering to think through what you want to know. Specific details are important to recovery, in my opinion. These would be dates, times, etc.....be careful on asking for the sexual details though and prepare yourself for those answers. The questions that get us all into trouble are the subjective ones....what were you thinking when you...how did you feel when you....etc. The emotions and thought processes of a person having an affair are not rational and memories of thoughts and emotions get faded and confused over time.

And one of the biggest frustrations for both parties will tend to be the "I don't know" answer. You will have to learn that he truly might not know or remember some things. As you process through it all, you may realize later that this was actually a positive in the long run.

Bottomline: A successful relationship is one where TWO FORGIVERS AGREE to live together.

I'm hungry & i need to go eat some Edikaikong soup with pounded yam if you know what the hell that is...(only found in 3rd world countries)lol.

Some humor only for naija peeps:

A Nigerian girl delivered a baby boy for a Chinese man,

The baby boy died after one month,

The naija babe's aunt was mad and said,

I knew it! I knew it! Chinese product no dey last!!!

Thank you Sam! You sound like a great friend.

[Mrs O. 29]

I have so much to tell but Im so so tired tonight.

...

...

...

Its a start!......... I hope to GOD, I never have to go through this ordeal again and I hope to GOD none of you will either. Oh... before I forget, the tears finally came down when I saw him driving in her neighborhood. I thought I was all tough thru this but I broke down Ladies & gents, the tears were flowing. I finally allowed myself to mourn over his affair. My advice would be to make sure there is no cause for blame on your part. You cannot control your husbands actions and you cant make anyone love you but if you contribute to the situation with anger and violence, then you'll always blame yourself in some way. No matter what happens, continue to put your faith in God and he will sustain you through anything this unordinary journey takes you through!

Love yall!

[/size]

WOW MAO! I have been following this thread. I admire your courage and wish you the very very best as you give your marriage another go. May God bless your home and heal your heart. His grace is sufficient for you!

[Zee Bee 61]

MAO!!! Wow!

I have to say that you are a strong woman to be able to accept this man back into your life after all he has put you and your kids through.

It takes a woman of strength, compassion, forgiveness and overall a solid, unwavering foundation in faith and God to do this.

Good luck to you.

[shefellfromheaven 18]

MAO!

It's good you followed your heart and I hope you experience a new beginning once more! We wish you God's blessings as you turn over a new leaf

Edited May 23, 2011 by shefellfromheaven

[moon68 2]

My dear friend Mao36

I am so lost for words right now.....I cant even begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling.....but I felt the need to write you and tell you that you are one strong women to be able to forgive in such a large way......I am sure as Jehovah hates a divorcing that he will certinlay be with you and bless you not only for your your forgivness but the strength that it takes to forgive such an act......I only pray that He has learned from the deep overwhelming hurt he has caused to so many people......As for you....Jehovah will be with you and bless all your efforts......You take care of yourself....hope to talk to you soon.......