Feeling alone

[fragola86 1]

You're welcome! I am a Filipina but I lived in Italy for 21 good years. Buses here do not exist and moving is not in our agenda. My husband locks me in when he goes out but I have my set of keys so I can do gardening, clean the garage apartment or do yard work. I tried to carry a gun once just to satisfy him but it's heavy and inconvenient so I just keep a machete within arms reach when I'm outside. I can't sit the whole day. I remember when I was still in Italy where I also work on week ends and even Sundays as long as I'm paid double. When I'm inside, I cook, make pasta for lasagna and cannelloni. Pasta in Texas is very expensive so I make use of my time by doing it myself. I brought my pasta maker with me from Italy. My daughter and husband love Italian food and I busy myself by perfecting Italian recipes and also exploring Tex-Mex cuisine.

My husband is over protective and I understand him but I have lived in the most notorious part of Rome and Milan and I am still alive, thank God.

Pepper spray should be enough to protect you when you go out. and yes, some parts of Rome and Milan are dangerous, so if you survived there I bet you would know how to move around safely in your neighborhood. At least you know how to keep yourself occupied, but I suppose you cannot live the rest of your life like that though.

[Nina~ 431]

... but after a while it can get very depressing when you don't really see a purpose in your life.

I can relate and I'm sorry for you having difficulties but I admire your tenacity. Four years? Wow! I'm only 5 months and I am beginning to explode. The city where I am may not be as small as where you are but I am more limited in moving around than you are. I can't go for a run because my hubby is afraid I maybe abducted. I can't go for a walk nor walk to the store nearby because people will mistake me for a #######. My hubby sez people who walk in this neighborhood are either pimps or prostitutes. When he goes to work he locks me inside (doors and windows have iron bars) for fear that some serial killer may come and get me. Some people from the school where he teaches Martial Arts tried to invite us to socialize but he is very picky in choosing whom shall we say yes. I don't drive and when I say I'd want to go shopping with that person (whom he knows)he always say, "no". It's no use for me signing up to these various meet-up groups as he will have no time bringing me to those meetings. I signed up though. I want to do volunteer jobs too but who's gonna be my driver?

I hope that by reading my story at least you have something to compare with. You are not alone. Cheer up. At least you know that your hubby has prospect in moving.

Jalie, have you ever given some thought about learning to drive? It is almost impossible to survive in America, especially in a rural area without knowing how to drive.

Also, it sounds weird to me that your husband will not let you go shopping with other people.. I consider that as a red flag. Tonight, I am going out with my girlfriends for some dinner and drink. My husband will be driving me because I don't really handle alcohol well.. but he would never say no if I wanted to go out. I love my husband and all, but I still like to spend some "girl time" with my friends at least once a month.

[jalie 3]

Jalie, have you ever given some thought about learning to drive? It is almost impossible to survive in America, especially in a rural area without knowing how to drive.

Also, it sounds weird to me that your husband will not let you go shopping with other people.. I consider that as a red flag. Tonight, I am going out with my girlfriends for some dinner and drink. My husband will be driving me because I don't really handle alcohol well.. but he would never say no if I wanted to go out. I love my husband and all, but I still like to spend some "girl time" with my friends at least once a month.

Thanks for your thoughts Nina but it's not that I can't go out with other people it's the fact that i do not have friends to go out with. He being a teacher and us newlyweds we receive invitations for this and that from his acquaintances but we only attended once and I enjoyed myself on that occasion. As I've stated earlier he is very picky and he is that way with my daughter too. I am not complaining because I know that If I'd raise my voice I can get whatever I want anyway but for now it is wiser to just listen as he knows the people and the place better than me.

You're right on learning how to drive. I knew back then that here I'd be miserable if I don't know how to drive. I'd just get over with this ugly fear.

Thanks again.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks for your thoughts Nina but it's not that I can't go out with other people it's the fact that i do not have friends to go out with. He being a teacher and us newlyweds we receive invitations for this and that from his acquaintances but we only attended once and I enjoyed myself on that occasion. As I've stated earlier he is very picky and he is that way with my daughter too. I am not complaining because I know that If I'd raise my voice I can get whatever I want anyway but for now it is wiser to just listen as he knows the people and the place better than me.

You're right on learning how to drive. I knew back then that here I'd be miserable if I don't know how to drive. I'd just get over with this ugly fear.

Thanks again.

I do understand a little how your husband is because mine is similar.. well WAS when we were in Houston. We lived on 1960 W (anyone from Houston will know where that is) and he didn't even want me putting the shopping cart back without watching me... Even in our secure apartment complex he didn't want me out when it was dark and walking down 1960 W to Walmart (or even just the easy places across the road) was a HELL no! I thought he was over-protective too till 2 weeks before we left Houston to go back to Iowa there was a knock on our door and it was people door-knocking about the abduction THAT DAY at around 3pm of a 13 year old girl on 1960W. Someone had kidnapped her during the day, with traffic flowing on one of the busiest roads in Houston and no-one had seen it (that had been reported by the time we heard... crazy crazy!)

Anyway I do think he's being a little TOO protective and you should be permitted to go out with people if you want to (within reason such as him knowing them) but I'm sure you're more aware of your current situation than we are just by reading Out if interest though, if you're in such a dangerous place and he's really THAT worried about you then why doesn't he move you all to somewhere safer? I wouldn't want him to make you SO scared that you become isolated (which you currently are but carrying a machete??). He can't protect you every second of every day. Maybe he'll start to let go a bit over the coming months.

[jalie 3]

I do understand a little how your husband is because mine is similar.. well WAS when we were in Houston. We lived on 1960 W (anyone from Houston will know where that is) and he didn't even want me putting the shopping cart back without watching me... Even in our secure apartment complex he didn't want me out when it was dark and walking down 1960 W to Walmart (or even just the easy places across the road) was a HELL no! I thought he was over-protective too till 2 weeks before we left Houston to go back to Iowa there was a knock on our door and it was people door-knocking about the abduction THAT DAY at around 3pm of a 13 year old girl on 1960W. Someone had kidnapped her during the day, with traffic flowing on one of the busiest roads in Houston and no-one had seen it (that had been reported by the time we heard... crazy crazy!)

Anyway I do think he's being a little TOO protective and you should be permitted to go out with people if you want to (within reason such as him knowing them) but I'm sure you're more aware of your current situation than we are just by reading Out if interest though, if you're in such a dangerous place and he's really THAT worried about you then why doesn't he move you all to somewhere safer? I wouldn't want him to make you SO scared that you become isolated (which you currently are but carrying a machete??). He can't protect you every second of every day. Maybe he'll start to let go a bit over the coming months.

Yep my husband knows that place, we in fact ventured nearby in one of our trips to Houston.OK, you may want to hear this. On my second month here someone came and rang the doorbell. Of course I did not open because I feared that a criminal is out there to get me. When I phoned my hubby to ask if anyone is coming at that hour (8PM ) he answered in the negative. And he called every friend of his to ask if they had been to his house.Negative. Had he not conditioned me of the notoriety of this neighborhood I would have opened the door (it's got no peep hole), that's my nature. And what if the one ringing was one of those CSI has been profiling?

For me it IS safe here. I myself would want to move not because of the seemingly ugliness of the area but of the oldness of his house. Everything I touch crumbles or breaks. The electricity went off on my third day here because by cleaning an old lamp I accidentally touched its cord that has no longer a plastic covering, and I have had many other tiny incidents. But you know, here is his roots. I do not even have the courage to open a conversation about this with him. He inherited this house from his grandparents and for him it is sacred. Oh how he loves these old #######. You ought to hear our battle when one day he came home and could no longer see most of his granny's stuff as I've already disposed of them!!! I'm not yet done, the attic and the garage apt are still full of garbage.

He worked before with the law enforcement and every time I open the topic of him preconditioning my mind he always gives me a lengthy persuasive lecture. I just hope he is right. But yes you're right, he's just too protective. We butt head at times because I'm a real stubborn.But yes, he is starting to loosen a bit, thank goodness.

I thank you for passing by, I appreciate your concern.

[Fandango 1,439]

I hope this doesn't come across as offensive, because I don't mean to be so, but I can't figure out how to say what I'm going to say without it being construed as such.

Jalie, you cannot live the rest of your life being locked in a house while your husband goes to work. It's grossly unfair to take you from being a thriving adult, to living in fear of everything, afraid to leave the house. Which is a safety hazard (electrical at the very least) from your description.

You and your husband should sit down and discuss measures you can take to gain some independence back...whether it's learning to drive, and getting an inexpensive second hand car, getting a job/volunteering that he can drive you to and pick you up from, etc. Something or anything for you to feel like your own self. I understand the house is important to him, and he loves you and wants to protect you, but what about you, the individual? Sitting in a house, scared to answer the door, bars on the windows, around lamps which can short out the whole electrical system in the house. Great, it's important to him...but what's important to YOU? Not you, his wife, or you, someone's mother...but you, the woman...and how can the two of you strike a compromise in being equally happy?

Fragola - I somewhat understand your predicament - but I am a USC. I lived in a major city most of my life, then moved to the UK, where I felt completely displaced. I lived in a village which was terribly small. For the first year, I pretty much didn't do anything by myself...even though it was England, and we spoke the same language, we didn't (local dialect made me feel like I was somewhere else, lol). I had no friends of my own, and not only missed my home and family, but I felt terribly lonely.

One day, I decided 'that's enough'...so I went out on my own. I caught the bus and went to town. I walked places. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, because people would ALWAYS comment on my accent, make a big deal that I wasn't 'from there'. But after a while, I didn't notice it anymore, and while it was scary, I eventually grew comfortable with everything, made some friends of my own, and felt less isolated.

When I came back to the US, my family had moved to a small town, so I settled there with them. This time, I felt like a fish out of water in my own country - I had been gone too long, and things just felt odd. Add to that the small town-ness, and again, I felt isolated and lonely. So, I did it again. I got a job, made some friends, and explored what my new surroundings had to offer. Eventually, I felt like I was at home.

Learn to drive, get a car - even if it's a beat up second hand piece of #######, lol. Explore your area. Volunteer time somewhere. Go to those 'meetup' groups (they are great). Go to local events, even if it's a squash festival, lol.

Good luck!

Edited May 6, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[Nina~ 431]

Vanessa,

I live in Houston too.. not far from 1960, and anyone in their right mind would know not to walk alone outside during the dark, opening the door to strangers, sending money to a "wealthy Nigerian", etc. However there is a difference between isolating yourself and being safe.

Jalie,

It seems to be like you are very unhappy with your situation because you wouldn't be posting here otherwise. At the same time you are giving excuses and reasons.. Are you trying to convince yourself that everything is for the best? You say that you don't go out because you dont have friends here, however you can't make friends by not leaving the house. You need to sit down with your husband and have a long talk with him. Maybe he can teach you how to drive during weekends? Does your daughter go to school? How old is she? Maybe you can arrange a playdate with her friends and get to know their parents?

I understand that the house is dear to him, but is it possible for him to fix it up? It seems like you have given up a lot to come here, and there are little things that your husband can do to help you settle down and get used to this place. This world is a dangerous place, but locking yourself up in the house is not very healthy imo.

[fragola86 1]

I hope this doesn't come across as offensive, because I don't mean to be so, but I can't figure out how to say what I'm going to say without it being construed as such.

Jalie, you cannot live the rest of your life being locked in a house while your husband goes to work. It's grossly unfair to take you from being a thriving adult, to living in fear of everything, afraid to leave the house. Which is a safety hazard (electrical at the very least) from your description.

You and your husband should sit down and discuss measures you can take to gain some independence back...whether it's learning to drive, and getting an inexpensive second hand car, getting a job/volunteering that he can drive you to and pick you up from, etc. Something or anything for you to feel like your own self. I understand the house is important to him, and he loves you and wants to protect you, but what about you, the individual? Sitting in a house, scared to answer the door, bars on the windows, around lamps which can short out the whole electrical system in the house. Great, it's important to him...but what's important to YOU? Not you, his wife, or you, someone's mother...but you, the woman...and how can the two of you strike a compromise in being equally happy?

Fragola - I somewhat understand your predicament - but I am a USC. I lived in a major city most of my life, then moved to the UK, where I felt completely displaced. I lived in a village which was terribly small. For the first year, I pretty much didn't do anything by myself...even though it was England, and we spoke the same language, we didn't (local dialect made me feel like I was somewhere else, lol). I had no friends of my own, and not only missed my home and family, but I felt terribly lonely.

One day, I decided 'that's enough'...so I went out on my own. I caught the bus and went to town. I walked places. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, because people would ALWAYS comment on my accent, make a big deal that I wasn't 'from there'. But after a while, I didn't notice it anymore, and while it was scary, I eventually grew comfortable with everything, made some friends of my own, and felt less isolated.

When I came back to the US, my family had moved to a small town, so I settled there with them. This time, I felt like a fish out of water in my own country - I had been gone too long, and things just felt odd. Add to that the small town-ness, and again, I felt isolated and lonely. So, I did it again. I got a job, made some friends, and explored what my new surroundings had to offer. Eventually, I felt like I was at home.

Learn to drive, get a car - even if it's a beat up second hand piece of #######, lol. Explore your area. Volunteer time somewhere. Go to those 'meetup' groups (they are great). Go to local events, even if it's a squash festival, lol.

Good luck!

I have a driver license, but stores are very close so I would rather walk. I applied to many different jobs but I had no luck. I'm looking into volunteering for the local library, so we will see how that goes. Keeping myself busy during the day helps, but there is still something that tells me I will never be completely happy in a small town. I know it would help alot to be in an area with other foreigners I can relate to. I hope there will be opportunities in the future to move to a bigger city.

and to Jalie: since our situations are similar and we have both lived in similar places (Italy), I really think you should try to do something about your husband. I am afraid you will get to a point where you can't take being alone and in fear anymore, and that would be bad for your all family.

[jalie 3]

Hmmmmm..... thanks for all the comments and tips. It is heart warming to know that people out there cares about my situation in one way or another. I apologize though to Fragola coz it appears that I have hijacked her post. Mi dispiace Fragola, oh I love strawberries specially jams.

This morning, before even opening my VJ account me and my hubby had a serious talk about the kind of people here in Texas, the Dickinsonians in particular and also about his "grip on my neck". And as I've stated in my earlier post I can go out if I want to. But since I'm new here I have to practice precaution and listen to him. Those times he caught me doing exactly the opposite of his instructions he said, "You do not have to learn everything the hard way!" ( I'd be happy to read some input from husbands too regarding protecting their wives. What's their opinion on a situation where wife dies or disappears and the prime suspect is the husband?)

Unhappy? Really it is not healthy to be always scared, suspicious of every noise even in the daytime, locking the door even if I'm only at the backyard but I'm getting used to it and I look forward to that day where I can prove to my husband that people are not that vicious as he thinks. I believe that there are snakes in every jungle. Wherever one chooses to live there will always be dangers. So it is best to be cautious like what my hubby always reminds me.

We are of course working on the house and it has undergone a good transformation from a haunted house to a presentable one. There are still lots to be taken cared of and hubby is doing his best to make me happy and stay.

My daughter who is 17, for now goes to the Karate school with him everyday, me only twice a week. She has accumulated friends, alas, they are 5-6-7 years younger than she is. These american kids think she is only 12 years old as she is petite. She hasn't gotten any invitations yet (poor darling) from her peers, all black belters, ( she's only on her yellow). She's doing very good though. As for me I have a job prospect (thanks to hubby) and I hope to start soon. And as for the driving, we still have to decide as to who enrolls first, me or my daughter. We do not have enough resources to cover everything we want to do all at the same time.

Again thank y'all.

[Robert&Liliya 31]

Being here in Dallas Texas I would have to say that most people I meet FROM Texas tend to be very friendly. I think it dates back to the time when Southern Gentlemen were the norm. There are bad people everywhere and I have not been to Dickinson, Texas but I have been to Houston and Galveston and may have even driven through on the way from one to the other but what neighborhood do you live in to warrant being that afraid? I teach my son to have situational awareness and I will teach the same thing to my soon to be wife (as soon as USCIS is done with us) and her daughter but I do not think instilling the fear of everything that moves is the way to go for my family. Everyone should be aware of their surroundings but I find most Texans to be very polite and full of southern hospitality. The world is changing though so maybe where you live has a crazy amount of thugs but unless this is the case then the worst thing you can do to a person is try and keep them in a cage no matter how wonderful the cage is. People have to get out and experience life. I think Karate is a great start to help you learn to defend yourself and it gives you confidence so I think he is trying and must have some reason that he feels you may not be safe. I have seen some Italian women get mad (not at me) and that can scare anybody. Life has to be lived and all you can do is minimize the risks. Just my 2 cents.

[46]

Hello,

I have been in the United States for four years and can't really find anyone to go out with or be friends with. I have been trying to get a job for a while but had no luck, being in a small town in Montana doesn't really help either. Anyone in the same situation? Is there anyone in Montana?

There is no good answer for your situation. Jobs are going to be scarce in smaller communities as are individuals with whom you can socialize. Could you not move to a larger community in Montana from which your husband could commute?

Also, after four years of putting-up with this, he should be willing to move for you.

[TracyTN 237]

I hope this doesn't come across as offensive, because I don't mean to be so, but I can't figure out how to say what I'm going to say without it being construed as such.

Jalie, you cannot live the rest of your life being locked in a house while your husband goes to work. It's grossly unfair to take you from being a thriving adult, to living in fear of everything, afraid to leave the house. Which is a safety hazard (electrical at the very least) from your description.

You and your husband should sit down and discuss measures you can take to gain some independence back...whether it's learning to drive, and getting an inexpensive second hand car, getting a job/volunteering that he can drive you to and pick you up from, etc. Something or anything for you to feel like your own self. I understand the house is important to him, and he loves you and wants to protect you, but what about you, the individual? Sitting in a house, scared to answer the door, bars on the windows, around lamps which can short out the whole electrical system in the house. Great, it's important to him...but what's important to YOU? Not you, his wife, or you, someone's mother...but you, the woman...and how can the two of you strike a compromise in being equally happy?

Good luck!

Here here!

The way he has you socked away, it sounds like the middle of Tripoli. He sounds a tad controlling, and while I'm sure some of that comes out of him wanting to protect you...locking you away from the world concerns me.