Had enough

[Kiwifruit 0]

Hey VJ

Funny foreign fruit here once again, and FFF is starting to sour. Sorry I couldn't find what I thought was a more appropriate forum so I put it here.

Kate and I have known each other for just under a year and have been engaged not quite three months. We genuinely love each other very much but I have had enough of this whole visa process and moving, it's just so complex and frustrating and I'm ready to quit because its doing my head in and saying that makes me very sad.

I have experience working in the US at summer camp and for the airline industry so I know what the US is like; it's a great place with many wonderful, kind and genuinely hospitable people and fantastic variety of things to see and do. It's also a very broken place and a fractured society that cannot agree on basic things like whether healthcare is a right or a privilege, where you must work harder and it seems end up with less and where people seem lost in a disorientated cataleptic dream state fuelled by the media and pop culture (mind you we are the same on that last one sometimes).

The visa process is so long and frustratingly painstaking; we have to go out of our way to think of ways we can document what we do; the main job of doing everything is on me, I have to fill out all the paperwork and pay for everything (because I am able to afford it) and its becoming a bit too much.

Kate works her bum off at two full time and one part time job for substantially less pay than her equivalent here, is generally always tired and run down from working and has little to show for it. I work one job and earn a salary of just under NZD40,000 plus a night shift allowance of 40% and get free healthcare, accessible higher education and can focus on what I choose to because I am not burnt out and tired from working 24/7 or if I can get treated if I get sick because the insurance company might not pay or how much gas costs and struggling to make ends meet. Getting around is easy and I don't have to think about going half an hour out of my way to get groceries or things I need, public transport is pretty good when I need it which is not often (I am limited in where I can drive because of medical i.e. daytime only in lower speed areas where I know where I am going) and there are few true "no go" parts of Auckland because of drugs and gangbangers.

The comparison of my job in the US pays minimum wage or barely a few cents more and given a) we are outside a major hub city and b) the state of the US airline industry it would be hard for me to obtain such a position, not that I really want to. Investigations of returning to school/uni and getting my Masters Degree are painfully less fruitful because a Bachelors Degree is not a Bachelors Degree it seems, I would have to do a whole bunch of "liberal arts" coursework in order to be considered for a direct entry Masters. I have experience and qualification as a Paramedic level Ambulance Officer (volunteer) but nobody recognises that despite our education being far superior to the US (exceptions exist). We both want to retrain at uni but its so expensive (public is about $7,000 USD per year compares to about $3,000 USD here) and funding is so difficult, there is no universal student loans and what loans exist must be paid back after a year or something like that regardless of employment status (unlike here) and I would actually spend more and get less education than if we studied here!

We cannot seem to be able to sit down and work out a logical, realistic plan to integrate our lives and achieve our goals. We both want to go back to school and we both want to have children. That means at least two years where one of us does not work and goes to school, where it would be impractical for us to start a family, where we are on one income and it's probably going to be hers. Meanwhile we get nothing in terms of state aid and I am just not sure it's going to work.

As an example, we are on different sides of the work clock this week and we have not spoken meaningfully in almost four days. I am being a bit of a b@stard and while on the one hand will end up with the woman I love but on the other hand, am not sure if "real life" can work. I don't want us to end up worse off.

Immigration New Zealand are not being of any help either; we have to live together for a year for them to even touch us.

I know deep down I am just venting but this is doing my head in.

Thanks for listening

Ben

Edited April 23, 2011 by Kiwifruit

[canadian_wife 1,829]

One great thing about VJ is that can vent to people who understand

Yes, this process is terrible and the adjustment is horrendous. But if you two are dedicated to making it work, then it will work. It does than an extraordinary amount of patience and understaning, must more than a 'regular domestic relationship' but I think becuase o that many couples are stronger once on the other end

I think the tricky thing for you guys is making the decision, once the decision is made, you can start making plans.

I am sorry! Keep your chin up

Good luck

[rika60607 215]

May be she can find a job or go to school in NZ and get that required 1 year living together that way?

Immigration New Zealand are not being of any help either; we have to live together for a year for them to even touch us.

[Travis and Meghan 24]

We are struggling at the moment too, my fiance is haveing a lot of toruble finding a new job as most places keep saying they wont start hiring for another month. Good think is his parents are going to be a co sponsor but we would really like to not have to live with them and rely on them for anything when i move over. it's really, really stressful at the moment but we're getting through it because we know everything is only temporary and we have alot of faith that everything will work out in the end I know its really hard some days, but just have faith, take a step back, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths

[Messybrownhair 251]

Looks like she has to move to NZ.. sounds like the better deal! My hubby would have loved to moved to the Philippines instead of me moving here.. We plan to return to Asia when he's off the military

[Ning 619]

Hey VJ

Funny foreign fruit here once again, and FFF is starting to sour. Sorry I couldn't find what I thought was a more appropriate forum so I put it here.

Kate and I have known each other for just under a year and have been engaged not quite three months. We genuinely love each other very much but I have had enough of this whole visa process and moving, it's just so complex and frustrating and I'm ready to quit because its doing my head in and saying that makes me very sad.

I have experience working in the US at summer camp and for the airline industry so I know what the US is like; it's a great place with many wonderful, kind and genuinely hospitable people and fantastic variety of things to see and do. It's also a very broken place and a fractured society that cannot agree on basic things like whether healthcare is a right or a privilege, where you must work harder and it seems end up with less and where people seem lost in a disorientated cataleptic dream state fuelled by the media and pop culture (mind you we are the same on that last one sometimes).

The visa process is so long and frustratingly painstaking; we have to go out of our way to think of ways we can document what we do; the main job of doing everything is on me, I have to fill out all the paperwork and pay for everything (because I am able to afford it) and its becoming a bit too much.

Kate works her bum off at two full time and one part time job for substantially less pay than her equivalent here, is generally always tired and run down from working and has little to show for it. I work one job and earn a salary of just under NZD40,000 plus a night shift allowance of 40% and get free healthcare, accessible higher education and can focus on what I choose to because I am not burnt out and tired from working 24/7 or if I can get treated if I get sick because the insurance company might not pay or how much gas costs and struggling to make ends meet. Getting around is easy and I don't have to think about going half an hour out of my way to get groceries or things I need, public transport is pretty good when I need it which is not often (I am limited in where I can drive because of medical i.e. daytime only in lower speed areas where I know where I am going) and there are few true "no go" parts of Auckland because of drugs and gangbangers.

The comparison of my job in the US pays minimum wage or barely a few cents more and given a) we are outside a major hub city and b) the state of the US airline industry it would be hard for me to obtain such a position, not that I really want to. Investigations of returning to school/uni and getting my Masters Degree are painfully less fruitful because a Bachelors Degree is not a Bachelors Degree it seems, I would have to do a whole bunch of "liberal arts" coursework in order to be considered for a direct entry Masters. I have experience and qualification as a Paramedic level Ambulance Officer (volunteer) but nobody recognises that despite our education being far superior to the US (exceptions exist). We both want to retrain at uni but its so expensive (public is about $7,000 USD per year compares to about $3,000 USD here) and funding is so difficult, there is no universal student loans and what loans exist must be paid back after a year or something like that regardless of employment status (unlike here) and I would actually spend more and get less education than if we studied here!

We cannot seem to be able to sit down and work out a logical, realistic plan to integrate our lives and achieve our goals. We both want to go back to school and we both want to have children. That means at least two years where one of us does not work and goes to school, where it would be impractical for us to start a family, where we are on one income and it's probably going to be hers. Meanwhile we get nothing in terms of state aid and I am just not sure it's going to work.

As an example, we are on different sides of the work clock this week and we have not spoken meaningfully in almost four days. I am being a bit of a b@stard and while on the one hand will end up with the woman I love but on the other hand, am not sure if "real life" can work. I don't want us to end up worse off.

Immigration New Zealand are not being of any help either; we have to live together for a year for them to even touch us.

I know deep down I am just venting but this is doing my head in.

Thanks for listening

Ben

Why fight it? Just have her move to N Z where things are better.

[Justine+David 218]

You're 8 months out on your K1 according to your timeline--has Kate tried contacting her Congress rep/senator? You guys are way outside the processing times (5 months) to get the NOA2. Best of luck to you both, it's not easy...just worth it.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

About five minutes of digging on Google tells me that there may be a way for your Kate to move to New Zealand even if you have not lived together for 12 months. It looks like you'll need to be married though. Have you actually taken the time to speak to an immigration attorney in New Zealand? If this is do-able, you could fly over for a visit to the US, marry, return home and eventually petition for her to move to New Zealand.

One of the beauties of an international relationship is you get to choose where you want to live. Don't make a mistake of moving to the US if it's not really right for your couplehood.

http://www.movetonz.org/forum/work-permit-working-holiday-visa-questions/9921-temporary-work-visa-residency-my-fiancee.html

Edited April 23, 2011 by Rebecca Jo

[Fandango 1,440]

It sounds to me like moving to the US may not be for you, and that's perfectly fine. I will say this: don't just go through with it because you're already 'x% there'...what you have raised are real concerns that should be talked about between the two of you.

Many people think that the K-1 visa is the be-all end-all, when in reality, it's just the start of a long integration process for the foreign spouse. Don't dismiss your concerns as 'just venting' - they are valid, and perhaps you two should change course.

Good luck!

edity: typo

Edited April 23, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[Nica_In_Love 98]

Like most people have said here, it really seems that the best shot is to live in NZ. It's hard to be in a long distance relationship, I think we all understand that in this forum, however if you don't guys don't really have a chance to actually discuss your future, then you might end up in an ugly position.

The real question is though if your lady wants to move to NZ or not? In regards to NZ immigration you might want to take a closer look at it. I have a close friend (she's from my native Nicaragua) who met a guy from NZ down in Nicaragua. They started a long distance relationship, after about 11 months she applied for a visa to NZ, and now she's over there and has to sort of "adjust" her status (I'm not sure what the term would be, but it's something along those lines because she has to complete some medical examination) and she's applying for a work permit. So there might be a way out because I know for sure they haven't been living together for 12 months nor are they married yet.

Don't give up, just sort things out, good luck!

[Casprd 167]

AS others have said, it sounds like you guys have some options to go the other way and live in NZ. The immigration process is a mess, but as you have probably seen just from posts on VJ, there are so many people who are trying to take advantage of and shortcut the system that it has screwed things for those of us who are following the rules. It sounds like there are a lot of things you aren't happy with about the state of things in the US so as others have pointed out don't go through with the process just because you're so far in to things now. You really have to look at where the two of you will be happy and financially secure. I know my wife and I have had these discussions often but our situation doesn't give us the option of living in her country and moving to a thirsd country (we've talked about new zealand among others) isn't a good option yet so the US it is for now.

[PrncWill_PrnsElsa 10]

This is SUCH a deep post. It really touched my heart.

I feel very priviledged that you would share this with us. Your life, your thoughts...deep stuff here.

I have to say, the first thing that comes to my mind, is that it is heart-breaking to hear that my country, the USA, is not the beacon of opportunity to ALL that it once was. Perhaps life for an immigrant was always this challenging and my nostalgia is misguided, but I digress.

You are right about the fact this process is a HUGE challenge to a relationship.. forget about the waiting. Having to SPEND crazy amounts of money to see each other.. the plane tix, the hotels, the visit visa costs for the "meeting" countries, THE PHONE BILLS... (OMG: one month I spent 500.00 USD because I didn't realize how much it cost me to call direct from my cell phone). However, God blessed me with the finances to endure.

We just received NOA2 this week... after 4 months and 18 days.. INCREDIBLY BLESSED *and from VSC*.. WOW! Sadly, though, that's just the 1/2 way point. I think we'll be okay. But, the money and resources have depleted; significantly. That said, we are both determined, and have discussed our future IN DETAIL, and if God wants us together, it is our belief He will provide; just like He has been. I don't mean to get all "evangelical" here.. I just want to praise my God for what He has done, publicly. But again.. I digress.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. You are wise... beyond your years.. cuz you sound about 23. Even if you are older, you are wise to think ahead to the day-to-day challenges that can chisel away at the harmony of relationship.

I wish you the best.. I hope in the end, you get what is the best thing for you and your fiance.

All the best!

[nylonmac 10]

I know from looking on the FDNY website and some emails with a volunteer EMT organization that you don't need a degree to become an EMT. You need to take a course that's recognised in your state before you can apply. Also it looks like as well as Fire or Police department run Ambulance services, there are privately run ones too. It probably would go against what you're used to having to ask people if they're insured, but at least that's an option.

It is a frustrating time, I should know - 8 months from filing to being granted the visa, but I am 9 days away from finally flying there to her knowing I don't have to leave her again.

It looks like your only way is to go to the US for at least a year so you have been living together for a year so you might be able to go back to NZ. I do hate the way we have to jump through all of these hoops and pay all of this money just to be allowed in the country for 90 days, but I understand that it's the most legitimate way to do so too.

[fozzie 41]

While I would love the idea of living in NZ it can't be all that rosy as I hear many kiwis jumping ship to Oz for work opportunities. You will both have to sit down and analyze these issues in more detail, do more research on your options and generally figure this out. You could always move here to the US until you are eligible for US citizenship then move back to NZ to live so she can get NZ citizenship. That way you have options. Granted, it takes 3 years after you get the greencard before you are eligible to aply for US citizenship so really you are looking at over 4 years for the whole process.

[Nina~ 431]

I do not know where you got your info about school loans, but I think you are misinformed. There is no requirement to pay them off within 1 year, but you will have to start your first payment about 6 months from your graduation (semester end) date. The loans usually have a repayment period of about 20 years or so. There are federal loans which you might be able to qualify for, where the federal government subsidizes your interest as long as you are in school. I am not sure about Indiana, but some states have additional grants for qualifying students. There are also plenty of private scholarships that you can apply for. Also, you can apply for deferment or forbearance if you do not find a job after graduation or get unemployed while repaying your loans.

The requirements for an accredited Bachelor's program do require certain hours of liberal studies, so that the student has a well rounded education. However, there are paramedic certification courses at community colleges that might not require you to take such classes.