Once K1 approved, how should we get married anyway?

[Hiker 9]

Hi all. Sorry for starting out with what may be an odd question, but let me try to explain. I only just filed the I-129F, for my fiancee from the Philippines, so we have a while to think about this. We both agreed that we don't need a big wedding in America, just something simple, like eloping.

I'm divorced from a Filipina (10 years of marriage), and the new fiancee is also a Filipina. (I did not plan it this way, it just sort of happened ... we love each other very much so I can't use the oddness of marrying a foreign Filipina twice in a row dissuade me from doing it again.) For my first marriage, I did have a big wedding (well, not all that big... I don't know that many people... but as many as I could get to come that I knew). So, that's the main reason I don't want another big wedding... the first one was already stressful enough, where I did 95% of the planning too (she had no idea what to do), and I feel odd about calling everyone back to a wedding again, just with a different Filipina in place of the previous one. My mother and other relatives have already indicated they would not accept the invitations if we did. So, big wedding pointless... we'll get married anyway then they can deal with it when we show up for holiday gatherings... they won't ban us entirely from their presence, just won't come to ceremony.

TV and movies often have people doing the "get married in Vegas" thing. I suppose that's an option, but I'm not sure I like it. How do you find someone nearer by, maybe in my state (MA) or near it (NH), to perform a simple ceremony with no other guests? Are such people always judges? We are both Christians, so I'd prefer whoever does the wedding actually be one as well... I view marriage to also include a covenant with God, so a secular guy performing the ceremony would leave me uncomfortable about that. I don't want to ask my own pastor, since we have a temp at this time, and he'd insist on months upon months of pre-marriage counseling before being willing to do it. (Always a good idea, but not really an option for us due to the time constraints.)

Should we also try to have a ceremony in the Philippines, either before or after she enters the US? I realize if it is before, then it can't be a true "marriage" although I'm fairly sure it could be a "marriage ceremony" if we never sign anything or turn any papers in. If after, it'd be a while before we could return to the Philippines to do the ceremony, like a year? AOS takes a while. I think a ceremony in the Philippines, if we had one, would be more meaningful to her since the others there would be her family and friends. If in the US, she doesn't really know anyone yet anyway. I'm trying to think of what's best for her and for the relationship in general. Although, she has not given me any strong indication that she'd like such a ceremony in the Philippines, when I've brought it up with her.

Thoughts? What do other people do who don't do the big ceremony thing? I bet it must be common with K1 visas since the time constraints make big wedding planning more challenging.

Sorry if I seem like I'm rambling. :-)

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

You have to get legally married in the US, so doing a non-wedding in the Philippines will not count for your marriage in the US within 90 days. Remember, you have to send in AOS paperwork to get her permanent residency, and with that, send in evidence that you have been legally married in the US since she entered. Also, to me, any of this "non-legally binding" wedding stuff is walking a very thin line and is dangerous. in some countries, there is no "paper to sign," and any wedding ceremony will count as legally married. If you wanted to get married in the Philippines, you should have gotten a CR1 spousal visa.

If you want a religious aspect to your wedding, I suggest looking for officiants in your state - some will even perform the ceremony at your home or other place of your choosing. Different states have different requirements on whether a witness is needed or not - look for those requirements at your local city hall website.

[JoannaV 174]

You don't have to use a judge just because you want a small elope-alike wedding. Find a pastor you are happy with and have him do the wedding. If there is any kind of requirement to have witnesses then make sure you do. A good pastor should be happy to do a wedding ceremony with just you two and God, although some may like to include the church as well. ASK your own temporary pastor before looking around for others: you and your fiancee will only have 90 days to marry once she gets here, that is just a fact that you can do nothing about. Your pastor may be willing to therefore waive the normal requirement for extended pre-marital counselling. He may want to do a little bit via email, and then meet with the two of you a few times in person before the marriage. But honestly I would consider him wrong if he refused to do that. Personally I got a CR1 visa after marrying in the US, and our engagement was a lot shorter than yours will be. But the pastor was willing to work around the fact that I was living in a different country: we met with him several times in the 3 weeks before our wedding.

We didn't have a big wedding because I'm not just the kind of girl who wants to be the focus of some extravagant stress-ball and none of my family/friends were able to travel over. There were maybe 14 people at our wedding: my husband's immediate family and his closest friends. Of course your relatives aren't going to come(?), but you could still have a few of your friends there. We got married in the church building, and because it was such a small wedding they waived the usual fee. (Because it wasn't like they would need to clean up afterwards!) Then we went back to my husband's parents' house for a spot of food: there was a cake and champagne but all that was entirely provided by my mother-in-law and we would've been quite happy with no reception (or a drink down the pub maybe).

As far as the Philippines go, maybe you could go back there once she has her green card and have some kind of party or gathering with her family and friends. They will get a chance to celebrate your marriage, and it will also be a great way for her to see everyone again having been away for a while. If a second ceremony is not important to anyone then I wouldn't bother with it, but that is a possibility if you wanted to do it. Personally I would only want one "real" ceremony so I would want the second ceremony to, you know, be something that made sense and wasn't just trying to be a regular marriage ceremony. But plenty of people do do multiple ceremonies. I know a couple who got legally married in America, waited for the green card, and then had two proper religious ceremonies in the US and UK.

So anyway, I guess my main point of advice would be to go talk to your pastor asap just to see what he says, and then if he says no you can go looking for someone else. Just look into another church you like and explain that your current pastor is just a temp and you need someone who can commit to performing a religious ceremony at the end of the year.

[Hiker 9]

I do like the idea better of going back to the Philippines a year or so later, to celebrate the marriage instead of repeat the marriage. That seems to make more sense to me, otherwise we're sort of pretending we're not married yet at the second ceremony, even though we are, and quite possibly already "with child".

So, now I just gotta figure out how to do the simple marriage here. Does the state it takes place in matter one bit legally? The states in the northeast are all small, so it is easy to get to NH or Maine too. I would guess not though.

[katie & sifa 25]

I would definitely ask your pastor...we were married in my parents home with 8 guests by the pastor I had growing up. He encouraged pre-marital counseling but understood our time constraints and had no problem with the fact that we just weren't able to go beforehand. We met with him once a couple of weeks before the ceremony for a little over an hour, just so he could get to know my (now) husband a bit. Afterward we had a cake and champagne and a few finger foods set around, and that night we all went to a nice dinner out. It was nice but low-key and very low stress. On top of that everything all together (except the dinner, which my grandfather paid for so I have no idea how much it was) cost less than $1000 including my dress, husband's clothes, all the food and the flowers which we did ourselves. We got married a year ago & I have NO regrets about not having a big wedding.

As for the state, you'll just have to check their requirements but I would imagine it wouldn't really make a difference. Here's some of what I found on Massachusetts...(source: http://marriage.about.com/cs/marriagelicenses/p/massachusetts.htm)

Officiants:

Any ordained ministers or clergymen, and justices of the peace may perform weddings in Massachusetts. By state law, Justices of the Peace may charge $25 to $75 for a marriage in a town they live in. They may charge $75 to $125 if the wedding will be out of town.

Out-of-state clergy need to obtain a Certificate of Authorization from the Massachusetts Secretary of the Commonwealth before the wedding ceremony.

A non-minister or non-justice of the peace (such as a relative of family friend) may receive from the Governor, for a $25 fee, special one-time permission to perform a marriage.

Witnesses:

Witnesses are not required in Massachusetts.

I couldn't find anything saying that you can't get married in your home or wherever you like, as long as the marriage license is signed by a member of the clergy or a justice of the peace (or someone else certified to perform marriages in the state of MA.)

[rlogan 2,036]

It doesn't matter what state you do it in.

A lot of states allow you to use a "marriage commissioner" where a friend or family member just fills out a form to be a one-time official for your marriage. There are no qualifications. So you have your friend and a witness sign the certificate, and that's all there is to it. That's what we did, and the cost was zero. We don't believe in the superstitious nonsense of bronze age goat-herders so there wasn't any need for a church or man in a silly costume.

Your clerk of court will be able to answer any questions about marriage commissioners and what they have to sign. Once they turn that in the court sends you the marriage certificate in the mail.

[azopenmic 0]

Hi all. Sorry for starting out with what may be an odd question, but let me try to explain. I only just filed the I-129F, for my fiancee from the Philippines, so we have a while to think about this. We both agreed that we don't need a big wedding in America, just something simple, like eloping.

I'm divorced from a Filipina (10 years of marriage), and the new fiancee is also a Filipina. (I did not plan it this way, it just sort of happened ... we love each other very much so I can't use the oddness of marrying a foreign Filipina twice in a row dissuade me from doing it again.) For my first marriage, I did have a big wedding (well, not all that big... I don't know that many people... but as many as I could get to come that I knew). So, that's the main reason I don't want another big wedding... the first one was already stressful enough, where I did 95% of the planning too (she had no idea what to do), and I feel odd about calling everyone back to a wedding again, just with a different Filipina in place of the previous one. My mother and other relatives have already indicated they would not accept the invitations if we did. So, big wedding pointless... we'll get married anyway then they can deal with it when we show up for holiday gatherings... they won't ban us entirely from their presence, just won't come to ceremony.

TV and movies often have people doing the "get married in Vegas" thing. I suppose that's an option, but I'm not sure I like it. How do you find someone nearer by, maybe in my state (MA) or near it (NH), to perform a simple ceremony with no other guests? Are such people always judges? We are both Christians, so I'd prefer whoever does the wedding actually be one as well... I view marriage to also include a covenant with God, so a secular guy performing the ceremony would leave me uncomfortable about that. I don't want to ask my own pastor, since we have a temp at this time, and he'd insist on months upon months of pre-marriage counseling before being willing to do it. (Always a good idea, but not really an option for us due to the time constraints.)

Should we also try to have a ceremony in the Philippines, either before or after she enters the US? I realize if it is before, then it can't be a true "marriage" although I'm fairly sure it could be a "marriage ceremony" if we never sign anything or turn any papers in. If after, it'd be a while before we could return to the Philippines to do the ceremony, like a year? AOS takes a while. I think a ceremony in the Philippines, if we had one, would be more meaningful to her since the others there would be her family and friends. If in the US, she doesn't really know anyone yet anyway. I'm trying to think of what's best for her and for the relationship in general. Although, she has not given me any strong indication that she'd like such a ceremony in the Philippines, when I've brought it up with her.

Thoughts? What do other people do who don't do the big ceremony thing? I bet it must be common with K1 visas since the time constraints make big wedding planning more challenging.

Sorry if I seem like I'm rambling. :-)

I've been divorced 3 times and I would not think of troubling anyone to come to a big ceremony. I have a buddy who has one of those online ordination cards. Crazy as it is, he legally performs marriages and has clergy priveleges. I may use him for a quick and easy ceremony.

[the governor 0]

If you want to go simple, you'd have lots of choices for no-premarital counseling, easy officiants--do a search for MA officiants and you'll get a bunch, such as:

http://www.revlisaann.com/wedunions.html

http://www.donsweddings.com/donsweddings_008.htm

Looks like in MA, you could even have someone you know be a "justice of the peace for a day", although I know that's not the sort of religious figure you were looking for: http://www.maweddingguide.com/planning/Ceremony/officiants.htm

I think you could have a super simple ceremony in the US just to do the legal stuff and then have a bigger one in the Philippines as long as the officiant in the Philippines is aware it is not meant to be a legal ceremony--I know a lot of people who have done similar things. You could also always do a vow renewal in the Philippines, even with basically the same ceremony, but just a little different wording. I know people who have done that, too.

Edited April 14, 2011 by the governor

[Aztec&Taino 144]

Hi all. Sorry for starting out with what may be an odd question, but let me try to explain. I only just filed the I-129F, for my fiancee from the Philippines, so we have a while to think about this. We both agreed that we don't need a big wedding in America, just something simple, like eloping.

I'm divorced from a Filipina (10 years of marriage), and the new fiancee is also a Filipina. (I did not plan it this way, it just sort of happened ... we love each other very much so I can't use the oddness of marrying a foreign Filipina twice in a row dissuade me from doing it again.) For my first marriage, I did have a big wedding (well, not all that big... I don't know that many people... but as many as I could get to come that I knew). So, that's the main reason I don't want another big wedding... the first one was already stressful enough, where I did 95% of the planning too (she had no idea what to do), and I feel odd about calling everyone back to a wedding again, just with a different Filipina in place of the previous one. My mother and other relatives have already indicated they would not accept the invitations if we did. So, big wedding pointless... we'll get married anyway then they can deal with it when we show up for holiday gatherings... they won't ban us entirely from their presence, just won't come to ceremony.

TV and movies often have people doing the "get married in Vegas" thing. I suppose that's an option, but I'm not sure I like it. How do you find someone nearer by, maybe in my state (MA) or near it (NH), to perform a simple ceremony with no other guests? Are such people always judges? We are both Christians, so I'd prefer whoever does the wedding actually be one as well... I view marriage to also include a covenant with God, so a secular guy performing the ceremony would leave me uncomfortable about that. I don't want to ask my own pastor, since we have a temp at this time, and he'd insist on months upon months of pre-marriage counseling before being willing to do it. (Always a good idea, but not really an option for us due to the time constraints.)

Should we also try to have a ceremony in the Philippines, either before or after she enters the US? I realize if it is before, then it can't be a true "marriage" although I'm fairly sure it could be a "marriage ceremony" if we never sign anything or turn any papers in. If after, it'd be a while before we could return to the Philippines to do the ceremony, like a year? AOS takes a while. I think a ceremony in the Philippines, if we had one, would be more meaningful to her since the others there would be her family and friends. If in the US, she doesn't really know anyone yet anyway. I'm trying to think of what's best for her and for the relationship in general. Although, she has not given me any strong indication that she'd like such a ceremony in the Philippines, when I've brought it up with her.

Thoughts? What do other people do who don't do the big ceremony thing? I bet it must be common with K1 visas since the time constraints make big wedding planning more challenging.

Sorry if I seem like I'm rambling. :-)

My fiance and I are getting married at the courthouse, followed by a small wedding in my friend's backyard a couple of weeks later. To me what is most important is to be getting legally married and then to get "married" (say our vows, perhaps) in front of our friends. Something simple where there is cake, wine, and music to dance to. Fun in a relaxed way. I really do not get people who willingly go through so much expense to have an elaborate wedding. I'd much rather travel and dance, go see new places and discover new things... Perhaps you can consider getting married at the courthouse first (legally) and then go through the months of couple counseling in preparation of your religious wedding. I would very much advise against doing anything that might look like a wedding in the Phillipines because it might be interpreted as such by the consul when the interview comes and she could be denied her visa...