Any Ideas

[Nadiia and Eric 1]

Well first off I am not trying to offend anyone, but if all you can do is give rude comments and to put me down in anyway don't respond. I had this problem before in this forum. To start with a year ago I had posted a problem about catching my fiancee in a lie, which really wasn't her fault it was mine, by looking into her personal papers which I had no right so I am guilty. Well everything was worked out about that and we finally got married after she arrived her with her son. In the beginning there was some problems that they felt they had to speak russian all the time. I finally made a comment that it was not right to speak russian all the time since I do not understand it. Well they continued for awhile. It finally came to the point that I was angry enough that I told them that I had enough and I wanted it stopped all together, they did stop. Finally they did, but here were the result of this stopping though both would speak english to me but her son started yelling at her and told her that he never loved her and that she ruined his life. Well of course after they started speaking russian to each other again it was like nothing ever happened about his comment to her.

Now it is back to the russian speaking and hardly any english at all, after trying to get them to start speaking more english again it is like it goes in one ear and goes right back out the other when I talk to them seperate it is english. I notice she is the one that starts most of their conversations, starts with her after he gets back from state university, so naturally he starts speaking it too, then would you believe she tells him to speak english. She of courses goes right back to speaking russian, and when she does I tell her to speak english too (doesn't last long for either of them). I also meantioned that he is attending state university and takes 5 subjects and in all these classes he has received all A's in his classes so I know he can speak english and understands it very well.

I love my wife and my stepson but I am at wits end about this issue, because of having to repeat this all the time (speak english). I get angry about it but instead of arguing everyday and listening to it I just go to the bedroom, since they will not respect me about this. The next response from her after I do this she will come to the room and tell me not to worry about it just be happy (I don't know how to do this with this continous issue), the next response from her is "Let me be happy". If anyone has any idea of what I may try to do PLEASE HELP, counseling will not work because all of a sudden it's like they don't understand english well. I don't wnat this marriage to end. I just don't have any ideas now.

[Anna-and-Rob 0]

If you start off your topic by offending people who haven't even posted anything what do you expect? Sad situation... However I don't feel like commenting since you've already presumed that all people here give you rude comments. From what I've experienced on this website I must tell you that people are friendly and very helpful over here!

Well first off I am not trying to offend anyone, but if all you can do is give rude comments and to put me down in anyway don't respond. I had this problem before in this forum. To start with a year ago I had posted a problem about catching my fiancee in a lie, which really wasn't her fault it was mine, by looking into her personal papers which I had no right so I am guilty. Well everything was worked out about that and we finally got married after she arrived her with her son. In the beginning there was some problems that they felt they had to speak russian all the time. I finally made a comment that it was not right to speak russian all the time since I do not understand it. Well they continued for awhile. It finally came to the point that I was angry enough that I told them that I had enough and I wanted it stopped all together, they did stop. Finally they did, but here were the result of this stopping though both would speak english to me but her son started yelling at her and told her that he never loved her and that she ruined his life. Well of course after they started speaking russian to each other again it was like nothing ever happened about his comment to her.

Now it is back to the russian speaking and hardly any english at all, after trying to get them to start speaking more english again it is like it goes in one ear and goes right back out the other when I talk to them seperate it is english. I notice she is the one that starts most of their conversations, starts with her after he gets back from state university, so naturally he starts speaking it too, then would you believe she tells him to speak english. She of courses goes right back to speaking russian, and when she does I tell her to speak english too (doesn't last long for either of them). I also meantioned that he is attending state university and takes 5 subjects and in all these classes he has received all A's in his classes so I know he can speak english and understands it very well.

I love my wife and my stepson but I am at wits end about this issue, because of having to repeat this all the time (speak english). I get angry about it but instead of arguing everyday and listening to it I just go to the bedroom, since they will not respect me about this. The next response from her after I do this she will come to the room and tell me not to worry about it just be happy (I don't know how to do this with this continous issue), the next response from her is "Let me be happy". If anyone has any idea of what I may try to do PLEASE HELP, counseling will not work because all of a sudden it's like they don't understand english well. I don't wnat this marriage to end. I just don't have any ideas now.

[Myopia 93]

Are you afraid that they are talking about you?

Ever thought about learning russian? It may open the son up to you in some way.

English isnt his first language and maybe speaking in russian to his mom is the way that he feels connected with her?

[ONA 133]

They might want to speak Russian so they won't forget it. If that's what it is... they probably have some friends and relatives in Ukraine, so if they can at least talk with them using Skype, that might fulfill their need to speak Russian. Also, after they say something in Russian, they can translate what they just said to you...

And about your stepson. The thing he said about "ruining his life" might mean that he didn't want to move to the States, he left his friends and pretty much all of his life in Ukraine and it only made it harder for him to adjust.

It might be hard for your wife to adjust as well. So, just talk to them. I'm pretty sure that communication is the key factor, which helps to solve almost every problem. Seems like trying to make them speak English all the time, you're fighting with the consequences. I believe that to solve a problem you need to find the cause

I might be wrong, but that's my opinion.

[Anh map 2,098]

You ought to make the effort to learn Russian. That would be a sign of respect to them as well. And it would allow you to know what is being said.

[ann and aties 9]

Eric, you fell in love with a Russian woman, didn't you? She is speaking to her son in the language they have been speaking to each other with for their entire lives. If you change this about her (if that was possible), don't you think others things about her would have to change also? Then she might not be the person you fell in love with.

She speaks English to you, doesn't she? When she says "let me be happy", I can also hear her saying "love ME", not some version of me that you have decided I should be. CALM DOWN my friend and enjoy your new family for who they are, although I think it would be okay for you to express to her every once in a while if you feel left out sometimes. That doesn't mean on a daily basis though. Good luck and remember this is just my opinion, I'm not making a judgment of you.

[Nadiia and Eric 1]

Anna-and-Rob

I agree that 99.5% are very friendly and helpful, and like I said I am not trying to offend anyone but from some previous post I had some of those people respond, I am asking for responses that can help from friendly and helpful people, and your right I should have not started that way. I apologize.

[Nadiia and Eric 1]

For the ones that have meantioned about learning russian I have tried to learn from them but cannot even pronounce one word, sorry but I have problems speaking some english words, I have had that problem since grade school and even had to take special classes for it, and to this day I have to be corrected on prenuciation. I have also asked them to translate after they talk for 15 to 20 minutes and in translation takes about 4 minutes. She also calls to her sister and one of her friends at least 2 times a month, and emails regulary and my stepson talks on skycap and yahoo everyday which was exactly what he did at home and both times I was ther it was for at least 85 days and was the same routine for him each and everyday as he does here. I also do not tell them everyday not to speak russian, but from the time they wake up till they go to bed it is russian I also agree that they need to talk russian to keep their language fluent, but my mother was German and lived in the US for 45 years and was still very fluent in german and I dont believe after 49 years my wife would forget russian and for my stepson he is 18 he has a option of also going to a International Group were there are russian speaking students, but he is not interested in making friend but wants to learn another language. I do not try to change them they try to change me and I have adjusted a lot and she has told me that she will not change and I have told her not too, but also in marriage both have to adjust not one and I am sure many of you have been in the same situation (having to adjust for each other not one sided.

[Nadiia and Eric 1]

Thanks for the response I will just let them speak russian. I am also tired of being told I start scandel, so better to keep my mouth shut. They are also in the US and there is no requirement for them to speak english my mistake.

Sorry to bother any of you.

[shikarnov 7]

I don't think this is about your wife making adjustments, concessions, or comprises for your marriage. It's not even about the Russian language. It's simply about parents and children and step-parents. To this day, even though my mother and step-father have been together for twenty years, I still don't want him privy to everything I say to my mother. I respect him. On some level I even love him. But he is NOT my father, and there are certain matters with which I'll never trust him. Fortunately for me, and fortunately for my mother, he is a man of great wisdom and understands that he doesn't need to be a part of everything.

His wisdom, and his respect for the privacy my mother and I deserve, is a big part of the reason he and I are close at all -- and it's an even bigger part of the reason he and my mother are still together (for there can be be no mistake: he who comes between mothers and children does so at his own peril).

My sincere advice to you is to respect their privacy. They'll always have a special and unique relationship that sometimes excludes you, and that MUST be okay. If it's not, you might as well file for divorce now because somebody eventually will with this lack of respect poisoning your marriage.

Good luck

Z

Edited April 9, 2011 by shikarnov

[Nadiia and Eric 1]

Well assuming the responses I have been given there is only one way to do this is to allow them to always speak russian and have their privacy 24-7, because it seems by some of the responses that it is the same with every one that 24-7 is okay in every home, guess it is time for me to change. Thanks everyone.

[sea-monkey 13]

Just record their dialog and get it translated to see if they're plotting to knock you off.

[Anna-and-Rob 0]

I really feel sorry for you, and your situation is more complicated as it seems. Unfortunately this is the common issue for immigrants who move to another country with their family (a couple of a parent and a child). I myself have never been in such situation since I don't have any Russian/Ukrainian speaking people around me when I'm with my fiance. I do speak good English and it stopped being a mental discomfort for me to hear English all day. BUT when I talk on Skype with my family and friends I feel a sort of 'physical' relief. Not that I don't feel a deep connection to my fiance, I do consider him the closest person to me. He always asks me to translate what I was talking about with my friend/Mom/Grandma etc. And I must confess I'm not always in the mood of translation every word for him. However, I realize that my fiance speaks English and the county we will live speaks mainly English and I do want to become a member of the society, therefore I must speak English. I don't know about the whole situation you're experiencing now, but I'd like to ask you a question - what is your wife's level of English and does she use it in her work?

[Brad and Vika 129]

Topic closed at OP request.