Keeping yourself motivated while waiting

[dealradh 4]

First off, apologies if this is in the wrong section - feel free to shift it, I was just not sure where to post it. Also, sorry if it turns out to be a bit of an epic.

We all know on here that whatever your situation and whatever you're applying for with US immigration, it's more of a waiting game than anything else. My personal situation is fairly simple - I am 25, live in the UK, met my partner in the USA online earlier on last year, we met in real life for the first time at the start of this year in my country. After she got back, we decided to go through with this and got engaged. I'm going to Indiana in May for a full month, mainly to see her, and partly so that I can get a feel for what it's like there for a bit longer than a two week holiday with a view to when I eventually move. As soon as I get back to the UK, provided there are no last minute hiccups, we're filing the I-129F.

The point is - now that pretty much all the question-marks hanging over our relationship are gone, and we're both sure this is what we want to do, my productivity at work, and enthusiasm to get involved in stuff back here in England has plummeted. It's pretty weird - I have the job I wanted to do back when I was a child, and I really used to enjoy it, but now I find myself not wanting to even go to work, just to sit and talk to my fiancée and plan stuff for the rest of my life in the USA. Finally, I have a future different to the one I thought I was going to have, and it's hard to stay focused on life here while I'm waiting for Godot - I mean, the USCIS. I feel like my life and work here are kind of pointless.

It also doesn't help that for financial reasons, I am still living with my parents. Rather than waking up next to my love each morning and getting ready for work like a grown man, I'm waking up alone in the small single bed I slept in aged ten, with my mother bursting in at 7am screeching "BATHROOM'S FREE!" It's infuriating. Moving out is not an option - regardless of the fact that every penny of my income is going on flights, filing fees and so on, you try finding somewhere to live of your own in the UK's hot-house housing market on a local radio presenter's pay!

So my question is - if you're in a similar position to me, how do you keep yourself pepped up and motivated to continue your life in your home country, when you're just waiting to start a new life in a new country? It feels like I'm in limbo - I don't want to plan anything for the long-term here because I'm hopefully offski in a year or so, but I do still live here for the time being. I'm really struggling and starting to get a tad depressed. Help!

[canadian_wife 1,829]

if you are living with your parents for financial reasons, can you really afford to lose your job because you lost motivation at work because you want to talk to your fiance all the time?

I know you are probably in this puppy dog love faze but you aren't moving to the US immediately, you are still a few months away from doing that...what sort of life do you want in that time?

That's how I stayed movitivated, also my husband wouldn't want me to be so distracted at work that I cannot do my job. SO I stayed motivated not only for myself, but for him.

Good luck

[ABandIG 2]

Same situation here

I came back in Italy in January after 3 months in the US, and we started to gather the documents for the I-129F package right away.

It was very hard in the beginning, I felt exactly the way you do, I still living with my parents here and getting up in the morning without Him by my side was the worst feeling ever.

But I already knew what was coming next, the whole waiting for the Visa approval, so I rolled up my sleeves and decided to move: so I've found a new job, not a long term one, telling my boss right from the job-interview what was in my future plans.

It's been 2 months and 2 weeks now, I videochat with my fiancee as much as I can, but I also try to keep my mind busy while I'm waiting for the best couple of hours of the day, which are the ones with him.

I'm finding very helpful to keep myself on a "strict" schedule, staying busy with work, seeing friends whenever I can, working on personal projects and hobbies...you know, just keep busy.

If I was to stay in bed the whole day not doing nothing, I'd probably end up crying the whole day like a baby, complaining about how much I want to be at the other side of the pond! lol.. It would definitely not work.

Also "setting some goals" can help: let's say for example in our case, I am already setting my mind on his summer vacation here in Italy, I know it's soon to start planning but it helps a lot.

Motivation is everything. The trip you're going to take with a K1 visa is going to be a long and stressful one, but it's gonna be so worth it in the end, and you will enjoy your life together. Just remember to smile and laugh together, don't get too stressed or your relationship could be affected by it.

Anyway, best of luck to you both!

[dealradh 4]

if you are living with your parents for financial reasons, can you really afford to lose your job because you lost motivation at work because you want to talk to your fiance all the time?

I know you are probably in this puppy dog love faze but you aren't moving to the US immediately, you are still a few months away from doing that...what sort of life do you want in that time?

That's how I stayed movitivated, also my husband wouldn't want me to be so distracted at work that I cannot do my job. SO I stayed motivated not only for myself, but for him.

Good luck

I think you misunderstood me. I really don't think there's any "puppy dog love" involved, and it's certainly not a case of wanting to quit work and sit with Skype running 24/7. We both have lives in our own countries and we're quite realistic about that. It's more of a case of not wanting to do any long-term planning for life in the UK - going back to college, finding a better paid job (if there were any!), that kind of thing. My life feels like it's on hold, I can't progress any further here, and I'm just waiting to begin a new life half way around the world.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt like this. Especially after you've filed, your NOA2 could pop through the door at any moment. It could be three months, could be six months, could be longer. Meanwhile, you're in suspended animation, going through the motions of day-to-day life and work, but knowing you could be asked to drop everything and get down to the embassy and over to the USA at any point within the next few months.

I'm doing my job perfectly competently, although not with the same level of get-up-and-go I had when I started it 18 months ago, so I'm not about to get myself fired. I just have zero enthusiasm for doing anything else with my life here, knowing its days are numbered! Surely I'm not the only one?

[canadian_wife 1,829]

Well, I think you misunderstand this process

It is calculated and slow. You will never be asked to drop everthing to go over to the consulate or the US. You'll have about 5 months at USCIS, a short time at NVC then another few weeks, maybe a few months to get the interview. You'll have weeks notice to go to the consulate.

And you are the one who said in the original post that you find yourself "not wanting to even go to work, just to sit and talk to my fiancée"

And no, you aren't the only one. But you asked for advice and based on my interpretaiton of what YOU say, I gave it

Good luck

[dealradh 4]

You know what? I don't think this site's for me at all.

It's a frustrating process for everyone involved, and it seems to me that a lot of posters simply use it to take out their frustrations on others who aren't as hard-done-to as they are.

There are an awful lot of patronising, snooty so-and-so's on here whose attitude towards those who are just starting out leaves a lot to be desired. Back when I was simply researching rather than posting, I noticed a lot of quite aggressive posts targeted at new people, but ignored them.

I am sure there are places online which are a little more helpful, and where the posters are a little less tightly-wound. We're all frustrated, but nothing gives you the right to patronise me like that, when you know so little about me.

"Good luck."

Edited March 27, 2011 by dealradh

[Ironman140 45]

. It's more of a case of not wanting to do any long-term planning for life in the UK - going back to college, finding a better paid job (if there were any!), that kind of thing. My life feels like it's on hold, I can't progress any further here, and I'm just waiting to begin a new life half way around the world

??? and why cant you start planing for school in the USA researching jobs. the market is not rosy here either. you will be moving to an area you know nothing about. there is much to do.

, so I'm not about to get myself fired. I just have zero enthusiasm for doing anything else with my life here, knowing its days are numbered! Surely I'm not the only one?

well welcome to adulthood everyone feels this way from time to time

[Ironman140 45]

Back when I was simply researching rather than posting, I noticed a lot of quite aggressive posts targeted at new people, but ignored them.I am sure there are places online which are a little more helpful, and where the posters are a little less tightly-wound. We're all frustrated, but nothing gives you the right to patronise me like that, when you know so little about me. "Good luck."

and how old are you ????

[rodrigo79 0]

You know what? I don't think this site's for me at all.

It's a frustrating process for everyone involved, and it seems to me that a lot of posters simply use it to take out their frustrations on others who aren't as hard-done-to as they are.

There are an awful lot of patronising, snooty so-and-so's on here whose attitude towards those who are just starting out leaves a lot to be desired. Back when I was simply researching rather than posting, I noticed a lot of quite aggressive posts targeted at new people, but ignored them.

I am sure there are places online which are a little more helpful, and where the posters are a little less tightly-wound. We're all frustrated, but nothing gives you the right to patronise me like that, when you know so little about me.

"Good luck."

don't take it the wrong way, it seems you ARE in fact going thru a bit of both, the "puppy dog love" phase and the very real outlook that your UK live has its days numbered, but not having a certainty of "when" that will happen can of course be upsetting.

Like other poster suggested, motivate yourself by thinking that you have something to look FORWARD to, stop thinking about what you're going to leave behind. And you're right, it could be 3, 6 or more months, but you have to be strong for her and for yourself. If you keep looking at what you're going to leave behind it will start showing, at work and on your fiancee's view as well. Toughen up a bit, cheer up, and when you really get down too much, go out with friends, have someone to talk to, go out running, anything that will keep you distracted, don't stay at home moping around, that will make it worse. Again, you should be looking at what lies ahead, and be happy about it. Just an opinion.

[kutakendra 3]

We are certainly no experts on this. We each have our ups and downs. Luckily, one of us is up, when the other is down to carry the other through. He is living with Mum, and I am preparing our marital home, alone.(We feel like airplanes in holding patterns.) I've never wished we hadn't met, but I know it could've been easier. We just focus on goals, saving for Embassy trips, a new car here, things we want to do on the house, paying the crazy phone bills. Each day the NOA2 doesn't come is a blow. I visit every few months. I know the people who are through it seem to have forgotten the wait. It's tough. I just know, in my heart, it will be worth it.

NOA1 10/27/10

NOA2 ANY DAY

[Élan 3]

How are your life and work there pointless? I think the best thing you can do while waiting is throw yourself into your job and hobbies or volunteer work. If you don't feel motivated, remind yourself that these things will be on your résumé and will help you find a good job in the United States! I know it's tough, but try to remember that by being productive, you will help you and your fiancée in the future.

Perhaps you could also take up a new hobby that looks good on a résumé. For example, I chose to study a new language in hopes that it would help me get into a good graduate school once my fiancé arrives and we are settled.

This process is long and difficult, so you've got to get yourself out of this slump before you start it. Best of luck!

[Lisamarie 79]

That's only if everything goes smoothly from start to finish, with no backlog at USCIS and NVC and no RFE's.

Well, I think you misunderstand this process

It is calculated and slow. You will never be asked to drop everthing to go over to the consulate or the US. You'll have about 5 months at USCIS, a short time at NVC then another few weeks, maybe a few months to get the interview. You'll have weeks notice to go to the consulate.

And you are the one who said in the original post that you find yourself "not wanting to even go to work, just to sit and talk to my fiancée"

And no, you aren't the only one. But you asked for advice and based on my interpretaiton of what YOU say, I gave it

Good luck

[Damian&Kelly 16]

We were in the exact position, what got my husband through was enjoying the things there in England, he knew he wouldn't have here when he moved. Things like, being with his family, his first nephew was born right before he moved, and hanging out with his friends. And also eating the foods he enjoyed growing up. He knew what he couldn't get here as we didn't rush into things. He visited for a total of 9 months before deciding to move here.

Before he moved here, I was depressed all the time, when he was gone, what got me through was knowing there was an end in site. Knowing that I was planning for a future with him, not so unknown as a future alone. We both worked to save money and talked/video chat as much as possible.

My advise though, don't write off your life there in England so fast. As what is to come is exciting and new. You first need to experience American life and then work towards that life. We worked to be together and that's what kept us going. All the time consuming things that you can get into in England can speed time and make that depression that much shorter. Enjoy what you have there, as I promise you'll miss it. I'm American, and spent 8 months in England and I miss it!

[hope.andsun 7]

First off, apologies if this is in the wrong section - feel free to shift it, I was just not sure where to post it. Also, sorry if it turns out to be a bit of an epic.

We all know on here that whatever your situation and whatever you're applying for with US immigration, it's more of a waiting game than anything else. My personal situation is fairly simple - I am 25, live in the UK, met my partner in the USA online earlier on last year, we met in real life for the first time at the start of this year in my country. After she got back, we decided to go through with this and got engaged. I'm going to Indiana in May for a full month, mainly to see her, and partly so that I can get a feel for what it's like there for a bit longer than a two week holiday with a view to when I eventually move. As soon as I get back to the UK, provided there are no last minute hiccups, we're filing the I-129F.

The point is - now that pretty much all the question-marks hanging over our relationship are gone, and we're both sure this is what we want to do, my productivity at work, and enthusiasm to get involved in stuff back here in England has plummeted. It's pretty weird - I have the job I wanted to do back when I was a child, and I really used to enjoy it, but now I find myself not wanting to even go to work, just to sit and talk to my fiancée and plan stuff for the rest of my life in the USA. Finally, I have a future different to the one I thought I was going to have, and it's hard to stay focused on life here while I'm waiting for Godot - I mean, the USCIS. I feel like my life and work here are kind of pointless.

It also doesn't help that for financial reasons, I am still living with my parents. Rather than waking up next to my love each morning and getting ready for work like a grown man, I'm waking up alone in the small single bed I slept in aged ten, with my mother bursting in at 7am screeching "BATHROOM'S FREE!" It's infuriating. Moving out is not an option - regardless of the fact that every penny of my income is going on flights, filing fees and so on, you try finding somewhere to live of your own in the UK's hot-house housing market on a local radio presenter's pay!

So my question is - if you're in a similar position to me, how do you keep yourself pepped up and motivated to continue your life in your home country, when you're just waiting to start a new life in a new country? It feels like I'm in limbo - I don't want to plan anything for the long-term here because I'm hopefully offski in a year or so, but I do still live here for the time being. I'm really struggling and starting to get a tad depressed. Help!

I feel you, dealradh. I love my country very much, but can't seem to start properly because we're waiting for our papers. I am working, but just because I need money. It's like my life is in a standstill right now. I am so eager to start a new life, and make all our dreams come true, but I am stuck here and 'til nothing comes out of our papers, then it seems that I will be stuck here for a pretty long time. It seems like forever when waiting for papers.

Well, right now, I'm just enjoying my time with my family. God knows how much I love my family. When I leave home for 2 days, I already feel sad and I go home no matter the circumstances. Now, I will be leaving them for years on end.. and that breaks my heart. I have become closer to my father now, which I am happy about, and just enjoying my time. Don't worry.. all our dreams will come true soon. We will grow old with the ones we love.

[Piefre 15]

I feel the same way, OP. Ever since my fiance and I got serious about the K1, I have felt like my life is at a standstill. We were serious about filing it long before we actually did so I gave up a lot to get this paperwork going. I turned down a place at a degree program I wanted at university, I turned down several jobs at different firms, I did not move from where I am. All three of these things have a huge impact on people's lives.

We beneficiaries give up a lot to see this paperwork through and I think the hardest part for us might be in those months when our lives can't go anywhere too drastic or do anything too dramatic that may affect the K1. It is frustration and can definitely breed that feeling you've got of your present life feeling "pointless".

I only have one suggestion for you, if you are still reading this thread, and that is for you to distract yourself during the day. The best way to do that is to focus on your job. Trust me, I get that feeling that I want to quit my job too but that wouldn't help me or my fiance out. Keep your job, think of it as work experience. You're 25, same age as me, and the US job market is tough for young workers like us. Try looking at the job market in the place where you and your fiance are planning on living. Are there are positions that you would like? What would you like to do professionally when you get there? Where would you like to go in your work life? While you still have a job that you enjoy, try to make the most of it. Look at what the American companies in your field are looking for in a candidate and use that knowledge to try and get experience in the job you currently have. If you let yourself feel stagnant at work, it will also add to that feeling of pointlessness.

As for motivation, I keep in mind that my fiance and I need the income I bring in. Quitting is very tempting sometimes, especially when work gets stressful and I think about my K1 paperwork. You can also try to take up a light hobby, like get into a sport, learn a new skill, take up something you enjoy to fill the gap in time and pick something that will be easy to pick up again when you move. Getting into a new hobby now is also good when you get to the US because there's a lot of waiting involved when you get there too. This part is just the hardest because we're often away from our loved ones and cannot do anything major with our lives until the paperwork is done. You also have that month to spend with your fiance to look forward to in May so set that day as a goal to look forward to.