something worth reading

[siyonri 0]

Hey vjs! i have not been a regular contributor but have been a very good reader. but allow me to introduce myself. i am daniel and my lovely wife is rose.

we know this long wait wasn't what any of us ever anticipated. but as far as i know the wait is worth it. this is a very small sacrifice, compared to others in the future, we have to make for love. true love knows no distance barrier and its not racial. if it was, i and rose wouldn't have been here in the first place. so it is with most folks here too. i used the word "most" cos i can only boastfully speak for myself and my wife...no offence.

i want every Vj to realise that they are sailing on a "life-time" boat. come to think of it: why embark on a journey one wasn't prepared for in the first place? i know one cannot tell the end from the beginning but we ought to know why we started the journey in the first place. afterall there was no gun placed to the head before one made this life-time oath u know. i told rose some time ago that i wasn't expecting a perfect woman for a wife. i want everyone here to also know that one's spouse can never be like u. u are two different people. in fact two different people from two distinct nations. so why get irritated when ur spouse isn't acting civilised or puts up a crude attitude? why nag when situations aren't turning out the way u want it temporarily?

however, folks, this is how i see and have always seen coming-together: the spouses putting theirs flaws in a basket. the flaws are shaken together in that basket, and the spouses in turn make a pick. of course u know what that means don't u? so when u pick ur spouse's flaws or ill-sides, appreciated and embrace them cos they are urs now. i would recommend u romance them lol. this is the policy i and rose have adopted from the very beginning of our relationship. and i must confess, we have really been so attached before and after our wedding, both emotionally and spiritually. although most of our conversations have been thru phones, emails and chats, we have really come to be one even across this huge distance. of course we all know that relationship thru internet isn't anyway near the one that exist when under thesame roof. but u folks would concor with me that when two people have had long, sincere, and heartful conversations even across a great distance, living actually with each other under thesame roof would be blissful.

let me tell something i have come to realise between rose and i and its so unique. WE THINK ALIKE! u know thats something i could term as telepathy. and u know this isn't common in most relationships. its something i have come to realise exists in true relationships. rose tells me thats scary :)lol

on a final note, we Vjs should take this wait as a journey to being with our spouses. and its a wait that is worth it cos no journey is too long as long as it leads u to ur spouse.

CONGRATS TO THOSE THAT ARE ALREADY RE-UNITED WITH THEIR SPOUSES. AND WE HOPE FOR AN EXPEDITED RE-UNION FOR THOSE YET TO BE.

Siyonri

[idocare 3]

I enjoyed reading your post, however, embracing your spouse shortcomings isn't easy when those shortcomings are intended to drive you away from them. Sure while going thru the visa process part of waiting for the visa; to the time your spouse actually arrives here COULD show you two different sides of her and attitudes, fits and scary personalities traits that you'd never seen in her before.

While some couples manage to work thru the cultural differences, and the adjustments of having a spouse, they manage to keep their marriage intact (1) Because they are committed to the marriage, (2) Because they know that they truly love their spouse thus they are willing to listen to their spouses concerns and maybe change some things that concern their spouse and visa versa.

MOST everyone who started a visa for their fiance's or spouse's believed that they knew their partner well enough to say that they love this individual or wanted to be with them forever. However some, have other plans for their American spouses that won't come into play until (1) the spouse arrives into America (2) the spouse obtains their greencard. Then and only then will you know if that individual really loved you. And even then you may not find out the real deal for a year or so . For those coming here with jobs that are in high demand in America, they would just need an America or Naturalized person to help them achieve their goal of getting out of their country and coming into yours. For instance if they were a doctor in Nigeria, (and we all know that obtaining a visa from Africa to come to America is really hard to do) and wanted to come into America they only have to find an American to do the K-1 or convince that American to come and Marry them in their Country, and file the necessary paperwork thus making their spouse part of the prerequisite to obtaining their personal goal of obtaining an American visa.

All the information is on the internet for other countries to read concerning VAWA and the many benifits that come with it, and from the many e-mails that I have received many beneficiaries have chosen that route. They come into this Country knowing that they only need you to get into this country, them some will try to go the VAWA route to get away from you and obtain their card on their own, or they will stay long enough with you so immigration won't become alarmed once they begin starting problems and making you to want to leave them or them to leave your once happy home. My point is that it takes to willing and commited to the relationship in order for it to work, one person CANNOT make it work if their spouse isn't willing to, and you won't really know that you were used usually until it's too late.

There have been many that have become a victim that once frequented VJ some still come in here from time to time but most are just trying to pull their lives back together, including me. You go thru all this waiting, sending them monies, and taking care of them once they arrive , and once they become acclimated to their new surroundings and have the greencard in hand and a job, they're ready to go discover America on their own. For some instead of getting a greencard the choose the VAWA route.

I hope that all unions are for love and that the relationships are lasting, that's why most of us marry, but I just want to make some of you newbies aware that fraud and marriage scams is real and it can happen to any of us, lest we be alert.

You don't know what your bringing into this Country until their here.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Idocare,

What does VAWA mean?

[Neya 0]

Idocare,

What does VAWA mean?

Violence Against Women Act

Idocare

While you make some very valid points I have to say your opinion is skewed toward the negative.

YES, there are those that have taken advantage of USC's, both men and women, and have used the USC to get to America.

YES, everyone going through this process should be aware of ALL aspects of bringing a foreign national to the US. And don't think they haven't thought of this already.

HOWEVER!

The points and examples siyonri wrote about can be applied towards ALL significant /marital relationships.

Do you not know any AMERICAN men or women that have been abused by their AMERICAN SO. Well the shelters are full to overflowing with Americans facing this. Do you not know anyone that hasn't MARRIED UP to escape AMERICAN poverty? Just look around at the pro-athletes and celebrities. Look at the persons on welfare that married to escape the projects with thier children only to find thier spouse is a pedophile/abuser.

You constantly imply that ALL foreign/USC relationships are going to end in fraud. That ALL foreign nationals are users and abusers. Well they are not! There are many examples of USC/Foreign national relationship that are working just as there are many examples of these relationships that are not working. You continually paint ALL USC/Foreign national relationship with the same brush and this is unfair and careless and shows you are biased to ALL of these type of relationships.

What have you done to move on with your life? Can you say your relationship had absolutely NO positives. What about your son that is product of that relationship care to give him away. Of course not! He is probably you pride and joy and is a result of your union and you celebrate his life every time you tell him you love him.

Please get off of your moral crusade. STOP spewing only the negative. And if negativity is all you can offer think of how those negative vibes rub off on your child and those that surround you and by default people here.

[joej 0]

I enjoyed reading your post, however, embracing your spouse shortcomings isn't easy when those shortcomings are intended to drive you away from them. Sure while going thru the visa process part of waiting for the visa; to the time your spouse actually arrives here COULD show you two different sides of her and attitudes, fits and scary personalities traits that you'd never seen in her before.

While some couples manage to work thru the cultural differences, and the adjustments of having a spouse, they manage to keep their marriage intact (1) Because they are committed to the marriage, (2) Because they know that they truly love their spouse thus they are willing to listen to their spouses concerns and maybe change some things that concern their spouse and visa versa.

MOST everyone who started a visa for their fiance's or spouse's believed that they knew their partner well enough to say that they love this individual or wanted to be with them forever. However some, have other plans for their American spouses that won't come into play until (1) the spouse arrives into America (2) the spouse obtains their greencard. Then and only then will you know if that individual really loved you. And even then you may not find out the real deal for a year or so . For those coming here with jobs that are in high demand in America, they would just need an America or Naturalized person to help them achieve their goal of getting out of their country and coming into yours. For instance if they were a doctor in Nigeria, (and we all know that obtaining a visa from Africa to come to America is really hard to do) and wanted to come into America they only have to find an American to do the K-1 or convince that American to come and Marry them in their Country, and file the necessary paperwork thus making their spouse part of the prerequisite to obtaining their personal goal of obtaining an American visa.

All the information is on the internet for other countries to read concerning VAWA and the many benifits that come with it, and from the many e-mails that I have received many beneficiaries have chosen that route. They come into this Country knowing that they only need you to get into this country, them some will try to go the VAWA route to get away from you and obtain their card on their own, or they will stay long enough with you so immigration won't become alarmed once they begin starting problems and making you to want to leave them or them to leave your once happy home. My point is that it takes to willing and commited to the relationship in order for it to work, one person CANNOT make it work if their spouse isn't willing to, and you won't really know that you were used usually until it's too late.

There have been many that have become a victim that once frequented VJ some still come in here from time to time but most are just trying to pull their lives back together, including me. You go thru all this waiting, sending them monies, and taking care of them once they arrive , and once they become acclimated to their new surroundings and have the greencard in hand and a job, they're ready to go discover America on their own. For some instead of getting a greencard the choose the VAWA route.

I hope that all unions are for love and that the relationships are lasting, that's why most of us marry, but I just want to make some of you newbies aware that fraud and marriage scams is real and it can happen to any of us, lest we be alert.

You don't know what your bringing into this Country until their here.

It is always good to hear about the reality of things. It seems like many VJ'ers are living in lala land about how things will be when their SO arrives. I like the fact that you can see the good as well as the bad of this type of relationship and are not affraid to warn people, even with the crazies that take the advise too personal.

[idocare 3]

Well said Joej, I can remember when I was a newbie on this site and you couldn't tell me that my fiance only wanted a green card from me, reality check is that it does happen, anyone that feels that my messages are only full of negativity can choose not to read them (wow, I'm repeating myself again ) Neya, there's not much that can be done about the American men that choose to use and abruse women here, they have a right to this country just as you and I, but for others that we choose to bring here is another story, and if your finace should choose to use you, you'll know exactly why I type what I do, actually I receive lots of e-mail from other men and women that feel they also have been used and have nobody to vent to. I will continue to help and I will continue to speak of my visa journey, you Neya don't have to read it, it's just that simple !!!

[idocare 3]

Idocare,

What does VAWA mean?

It's means Violence Against Womens Act

however both men and women can apply for that, what it intails is that your husband once he gets here and he wants to say that you have been abrusive towards him he can leave you home move into a shelter and try to apply for his greencard on his own while trashing your name with the immigration folks. The only catch is that he must have proof that you abrused him. If you get a minute, do a google search for VAWA and become familiar with it. It's really good information, and it'll give you heads up just in case.

[blah0323 0]

Idocare,

Your point was well made, we have to look at the global picture instead of always looking for what we want. You really don't know someone until you are under the roof with them and you will see that what you thought and sometimes what you hoped will take lots of lots of work.

From personal experience, I have learned to adjust/redirect and move on.......because we have set a commitment for life and we know the road is not easy mixing two cultures.

[Together4ever 1]

I have not read the other responses to your post but I want to say this is very eloquently and beautifully stated. I also agree with you. I did live with my SO for almost a year before beginning this journey. We have been apart again 16 months. During this time we have both actively engaged in embracing these shortcomings. Without the physical distractions of day to day life together, we have been forced to face and learn how to "dance with" our mental and emotional shortcomings together. In my opinion, these are the most difficult hurdles in any relationship as opposed to whether or not your spouse puts the toilet lid down. Its a beautiful opportunity to learn what really makes each other tick. I know speaking personally, we are a stronger couple for this time we've had to be apart, relying on internet, mail and telephone. It has really been a gift, even though its not a lot of fun right now!

Thank you for this post. It's really wonderful. I hope everyone on VJ gets a chance to read it.

[Neya 0]

There is no doubt that all relationships take a commitment from the people involved. For those that choose to go down this path there are additional obstacles to over come. We know what they are so there is no need to continually beat a dead dog. Why can't we rejoice in the spirit in which this thread was started?

Negative breeds negative and that's true in all walks of life. There have been and will continue to be those who fail on this journey and those that succeed. For once why can't we rejoice for one that is succeeding instead of harping on those that have failed? Why can't we hear the good instead of always the negative? This is not to say that one has blinders on to reality. We can't because it is being thrust down out throats at every opportunity be it appropriate or not.

Instead of hijacking something that was presented for good, start another thread to "educate the newbies" and point out the negative and even solicit input in that venue. Why is it crazy to for once enjoy something positive? Why can't we just be happy for those that are making it work?

Edited September 7, 2006 by Neya