Tired woman here!

[Staashi 371]

BTW I am talking about relationships where the woman (or could be the man) puts up with abusive behavior - often repeated incidents, over a length of time. I am not talking about people who immediately remove themselves from a relationship when it turns abusive.

Exactly! It is a self esteem issue. But as we know, if you hear everyday that you are worthless, ugly, fat, or a bad wife, people begin to believe that sh!t and one day they feel that they have no self esteem or worth without the fvckface who is putting them down.

I also think there's a lot of shame put on someone in an immigration -based relationship when they have to admit that the marriage failed. It's the fear of hearing "I told you so".

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

That's a good point, for the people that you only know online and aren't friends with offline.

I guess I should say face to face means living together here or there, where ever there may be a home for their foreign SO's.

It always comes back to my same point, "Only the people in the relationship really know the truth about it." People may have the majority of an online relationship but that doesn't mean it's not a real relationship. People who are living with their SO may also get more of a full picture of who that person is in person and in the relationship but that doesn't make them a relationship expert. The nature of the relationship could be a lie online or even while living together but it is still a relationship in some sense of the word. The relationship could be sunshine, rainbows and kitten online and living together in person too and that's not saying that's a bad thing either if you're an eternal optimist like me. May sunshine, rainbows, lollipops, kittens and all the good things in this world live on forever and breath fresh air into our souls.

"Like attracts like."

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I think this thread has diverted from the topic, which was one woman's account of what seems to be an emotionally abusive relationship with her MENA spouse, and her request for advice.

Of course there have been quite a few successful, enduring marriages in the MENA forum - many of those members still post (but many don't.) There have also been quite a few bust ups, some of which were posted on the forum (at least from one spouse's point of view, sometimes from both, sometimes in lurid detail) - but more which were not.

I sometimes look back at the names in the "Visas in Hand" lists from when I used to track AP/AR. Some couples are still going strong, some have split up. But for most of the names, I just don't have any followup data. More details tend to be shared in the off-VJ groups.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Exactly! It is a self esteem issue. But as we know, if you hear everyday that you are worthless, ugly, fat, or a bad wife, people begin to believe that sh!t and one day they feel that they have no self esteem or worth without the fvckface who is putting them down.

I also think there's a lot of shame put on someone in an immigration -based relationship when they have to admit that the marriage failed. It's the fear of hearing "I told you so".

I agree - this can be a huge factor for many.

[Resha 1]

I really do want to say thank you to everyone here for all of the advice I got.. I may not have done what everyone thought I should do, but its my choice and I will be the one to decide.. I would really appreciate a little more support.. I know most of you ladies have husbands that arent exactly what you thought they should/would be.. My husband has a job now that he starts Monday.. Inshallah this will help us be better and stronger.. Only time will tell.. Being together for a full year day in and day out/ -the time he went out/ is hard on any relationship.. My husband is an a-hole! But every man is in some sense.. The things he does will be dealt with soon or later.. By the one who can really punish him! I know you ladies think I am stupid and have low self-esteem but surprisingly you would be wrong.. I have a wonderful self-esteem! Bad judgement, yes that I may have! But I do love my husband and I am willing to try it again.. So please dont put me down for my decision..

[Staashi 371]

I really do want to say thank you to everyone here for all of the advice I got.. I may not have done what everyone thought I should do, but its my choice and I will be the one to decide.. I would really appreciate a little more support.. I know most of you ladies have husbands that arent exactly what you thought they should/would be.. My husband has a job now that he starts Monday.. Inshallah this will help us be better and stronger.. Only time will tell.. Being together for a full year day in and day out/ -the time he went out/ is hard on any relationship.. My husband is an a-hole! But every man is in some sense.. The things he does will be dealt with soon or later.. By the one who can really punish him! I know you ladies think I am stupid and have low self-esteem but surprisingly you would be wrong.. I have a wonderful self-esteem! Bad judgement, yes that I may have! But I do love my husband and I am willing to try it again.. So please dont put me down for my decision..

Resha, my prayers are with you. Please seek help for the two of you. You deserve a life filled with peace and grace. God bless your little family.

[Lisamarie 79]

You love your husband and want to give your marriage a fighting chance....there is nothing wrong with that. I wish the best for you, and saying prayers that everything works out.

I really do want to say thank you to everyone here for all of the advice I got.. I may not have done what everyone thought I should do, but its my choice and I will be the one to decide.. I would really appreciate a little more support.. I know most of you ladies have husbands that arent exactly what you thought they should/would be.. My husband has a job now that he starts Monday.. Inshallah this will help us be better and stronger.. Only time will tell.. Being together for a full year day in and day out/ -the time he went out/ is hard on any relationship.. My husband is an a-hole! But every man is in some sense.. The things he does will be dealt with soon or later.. By the one who can really punish him! I know you ladies think I am stupid and have low self-esteem but surprisingly you would be wrong.. I have a wonderful self-esteem! Bad judgement, yes that I may have! But I do love my husband and I am willing to try it again.. So please dont put me down for my decision..

[Resha 1]

Thank you both soo very much!! I really do appreciate the prayers!!

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I really do want to say thank you to everyone here for all of the advice I got.. I may not have done what everyone thought I should do, but its my choice and I will be the one to decide.. I would really appreciate a little more support.. I know most of you ladies have husbands that arent exactly what you thought they should/would be.. My husband has a job now that he starts Monday.. Inshallah this will help us be better and stronger.. Only time will tell.. Being together for a full year day in and day out/ -the time he went out/ is hard on any relationship.. My husband is an a-hole! But every man is in some sense.. The things he does will be dealt with soon or later.. By the one who can really punish him! I know you ladies think I am stupid and have low self-esteem but surprisingly you would be wrong.. I have a wonderful self-esteem! Bad judgement, yes that I may have! But I do love my husband and I am willing to try it again.. So please dont put me down for my decision..

Bless your heart. It is not my intention to form a clique where some are friends at the exclusion of others. I openly appeal to the optimist in all and say don't feel bad for ones rosy feelings. They are a beautiful thing and should be cherished in a precious heart. It does no good to dwell in darkness and hate as it diminishes ones spark. If you both are willing to heal the marriage then it is possible to come to a more balanced and peaceful place. Only you can decided what is best for your path in the end.

[morocco4ever 63]

You don't really love him; you love what you want him to be. But, that's not who he is, and you need to accept that.

So true.....more women need to open up their eyes and really see what and who they are married too. Not just what they want to see.

And Sofiyya....are you picking on us American women again?

For the original poster, I do hope you keep up with the counseling. Perhaps his intentions are good, but perhaps it is the "honeymoon" stage necessary to get what he wants. I have said it before, and I will say it again, there are worse things in life than being single.

[tany1157 161]

I really do want to say thank you to everyone here for all of the advice I got.. I may not have done what everyone thought I should do, but its my choice and I will be the one to decide.. I would really appreciate a little more support.. I know most of you ladies have husbands that arent exactly what you thought they should/would be.. My husband has a job now that he starts Monday.. Inshallah this will help us be better and stronger.. Only time will tell.. Being together for a full year day in and day out/ -the time he went out/ is hard on any relationship.. My husband is an a-hole! But every man is in some sense.. The things he does will be dealt with soon or later.. By the one who can really punish him! I know you ladies think I am stupid and have low self-esteem but surprisingly you would be wrong.. I have a wonderful self-esteem! Bad judgement, yes that I may have! But I do love my husband and I am willing to try it again.. So please dont put me down for my decision..

Listen, I don't agree with your decision, but of COURSE you will have support. It is YOUR decision, not ours, and nobody knows your relationship better than you. I just got into defensive mode because I can't stand to see a woman (or man) get treated badly. I will pray, and hope you guys can work things out. I hope he begins being a man, and taking care of his wife and daughter accordingly (not necessarily financially, but emotionally). You and your daughter deserve the best, and that was all I wanted to get across.

Good luck, and keep us posted

[tany1157 161]

So true.....more women need to open up their eyes and really see what and who they are married too. Not just what they want to see.

And Sofiyya....are you picking on us American women again?

For the original poster, I do hope you keep up with the counseling. Perhaps his intentions are good, but perhaps it is the "honeymoon" stage necessary to get what he wants. I have said it before, and I will say it again, there are worse things in life than being single.

Completely agree with this statement! I know too many woman who need a man in their life, no matter good or bad, because they can't define themselves without one....they feel validated by a man's attention. I have a few friends who are in mediocre relationships just because it is better than being single. Geesh, I would rather be single, than be with the wrong man....which is why I got divorced from my first husband.

[tany1157 161]

I really do want to say thank you to everyone here for all of the advice I got.. I may not have done what everyone thought I should do, but its my choice and I will be the one to decide.. I would really appreciate a little more support.. I know most of you ladies have husbands that arent exactly what you thought they should/would be.. My husband has a job now that he starts Monday.. Inshallah this will help us be better and stronger.. Only time will tell.. Being together for a full year day in and day out/ -the time he went out/ is hard on any relationship.. My husband is an a-hole! But every man is in some sense.. The things he does will be dealt with soon or later.. By the one who can really punish him! I know you ladies think I am stupid and have low self-esteem but surprisingly you would be wrong.. I have a wonderful self-esteem! Bad judgement, yes that I may have! But I do love my husband and I am willing to try it again.. So please dont put me down for my decision..

I have to disagree with you on here....my husband may be stubborn and opinionated, but never an a-hole...If I thought he was an a-hole, I wouldn't be married to him. Even my ex husband wasn't an a-hole. Just my 2 cents...

Edited March 25, 2011 by tany1157

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Ya, I've never thought of my husband as an ####### in some sense. He's truly a class act.

Hon, you will do as you want, and I certainly and without equivocation wish you and your family the very best.

M4E, welcome back! How can I come here and not pick on American women? It's like shooting fish in a barrel

j/k

Edited March 25, 2011 by Sofiyya

[morocco4ever 63]

Ya, I've never thought of my husband as an ####### in some sense.

Hon, you will do as you want, and I certainly and without equivocation wish you and your family the very best.

M4E, welcome back! How can I come here and not pick on American women? It's like shooting fish in a barrel

j/k

We are such a fun target aren't we?